These moments always bring her dread
For they arouse the negativity in her head.

To most kids, they sit and anxiously wait,
While she awaits her most feared fate

Papers passed about by the teacher.
Students scramble to get their grade.
She sits there, wishing the moment would pass.
Wishing she could simply fade.

The verdict's in, the marks are out,
Kids discuss and compare.
They ask her what she got,
She wishes she were anywhere but there.

She sneaks a peak at the paper,
Immediate thoughts cloud her brain
Students desperately want to know,
She braces for the impending pain.

"I beat her, I beat her!"
A few students cry
Others beam at their amazing feat.
As the girl feels her insides die.

"You're an idiot, how could you get those wrong?"
The mockery arises in her head.
She hates herself more than you'll ever know,
A few of her tears are painfully shed.

Her faults are pointed out by others,
As they celebrate their victory,
And her internal demons hiss at her,
From criticism, she is never free.

These instances may seem short-lived,
The pain will surely pass,
But these cracks in her self confidence
Caused it to shatter into broken glass.

My mind is filled with noise.

Sometimes the sounds of music,
Symphonies and orchestras.

But other times the sounds of failure.
Lack of accomplishment.

There are times when my mind is so intent
That I ensure my eating habits are not bent.

That I don't overeat, overindulge or have a treat.
Eat ice cream, and you will surely feel the heat.

The wrath of negative thoughts as they endlessly grow,
My mood dips into a bottomless low.

It's been a long battle, "I should be over it by now"
But sometimes those thoughts insist I'm a cow

I'll continue to fight to change my mind
And change its noise to a more melodic kind.

I have to stop hating myself
To stop trying to be the best
To put this internal war to rest.

I make big, unfortunate mistakes,
But that doesn't mean I can put on the brakes.

Because I can't be perfect.
I can't ruminate on every grade
And allow myself to slowly degrade.

My body is not a statue to perfect and mold.
I must fight Ed, stand up and be bold.

These intense feelings of pain
Cause me to wane.

I have to keep up the fight,
And use positivity and determined might.

She helped me when I was entangled in the thorns of the dreaded disease,

But it has come back to take away her peace.

I stare at each picture, bathing suit clad,
And see nothing but the evil monster, grinning and mad.

Because when I look at those photos I see nothing but the disorder

The internal torment, anguish, self-battering thoughts
That cause your self confidence and self worth to rot

That ***** and **** at each slight imperfection
That promise to point you in the proper direction

That monster, so sly, so cunning, so persuasive
But also terribly, horribly invasive

For if you let your guard down after the first fight
It will come back to prove its might

This monster can’t be killed from a therapy session
This form of attack only diminishes its aggression

But the monster lays waiting in the dark
And takes advantage of any self deprecating spark
Until it can attack like a mighty white shark.

This monster tries to take the lives of many.

Including my own.

But I will not let it destroy the friends close to my heart
The monster’s reappearance signals me to do my part

To slay the beast, relentlessly work till it’s dead
Otherwise all it takes is a self critical thought to be fed

A comparison, picture, reminder of its deceiving phrases
Fighting this monster is the only way to cure the hazes

Anxiety
A cloud of fear, bewilderment, and terror
Clouds my mind.

Yet even clouds bring much needed rain.
And anxiety leaves me with nothing but pain.

Rain nourishes the ground upon which it falls,
Anxiety suffocates my brain and sets up walls

It blocks my rational thinking,
Makes me feel as though I am sinking

Rain cycles from the ground to the sky,
But in my anxiety I simply lie

If she's not attaining the highest grades,
Nor feel like her body is adequate,

Then what is she?

Don't ask the voices in her head
As her thoughts are filled with poison and lead
Because they perceive
That if she can't achieve

She's better off never leaving her bed

I have an infection
I can't tolerate imperfection.

I've lived with it for so long,
But now I'm caught up in its throng

In elementary,
I cried when I got a B

In high school I took control,
And now I'm paying its toll.

Worrying, studying, crying,
As I feel the inside of me dying

Concerned about that extra mark
I ruminate on one percent in the dark

My self worth is tied to each grade,
97.5% and I am dismayed

This feeling's not right
Towards myself I feel spite,

I need to learn to be free
To reduce this anxiety

My thought patterns need to rearrange
With hard work and time I have no choice but to
change