They say take a pill.
But I don't want to.

They say I need to be
Stable.
But I don't want to

They say I'm not myself
But I am.

They finally say that
they love me
When they found me dead.

When I was younger
I snuck kisses to a kid
during nap time.
The teacher had to
separate us since
I wouldn't stop
kissing them.

Now eight years later
and I hate recalling the
ever so burning
memories.

People don't believe the
story.
Seeing that I'm not
attractive
and that I'm so
awkward.
They say I make it up,
but no I'm not.

I was going to marry
the kid.
I really thought I loved them.
I loved how they smelt.
Or the way they laughed.
The way they said my name made me smile.
I was a little seven year old
who fell in love.

I wonder where they are now.
But I would never know
since they shut me out of their
life.
After I left the daycare I saw them
once.
They ignored me as our mothers
spoke.
My mom got onto me for not
talking to the kid.
I couldn't bear to tell her
that I had kissed that kid
that I really had liked them.

I couldn't tell her because that kid
was a girl and I'm a girl as well.
"She'll hate me" I told myself
So I've never told her about
the shared kisses and moments
between me and that other
little seven year old.

And if I close my eyes
even for a moment
you might be gone
and I'll be alone
again.

Dear whoever this concerns,

I have come up with a solution with my little problem.
My little problems that concerns sexuality.
I must know what gender I like at this very moment.
I little innocent 15 year old who struggles with this more than she struggles with breathing.
You asked me if I would date her and I said yes, but I'm not gay.
You asked me if I would date him and I said yes, but I'm not straight.
You told me I was confused if I didn't know who I liked.
What body parts I wanted to touch when I had ***.

I've said many times how I do not wish to have *** and you never
cared.
"You're too young to think like that" my mother would say but
am I?
All of the other kids are having *** and kissing and I don't want to.
I really just don't want to, but it's because I'm 15?
Because my hormones haven't kicked in?
I don't believe so, and it's not that you raised me to not want that.
I believe there is something that we don't know yet.

Maybe if we didn't give a **** about what we yearned for.
What we wanted when we fell asleep at night or woke up in the morning.
What we think when we look at someone attractive.
Or what we think when they talk or laugh.
Or what their body looked like in a certain outfit.
What we thought of their haircut.
The possibilities of thoughts towards the same and different gender
go on.

But what if we didn't care about that?
What if we solely focused on whether or not they made us happy.
It doesn't matter their personality, only if they made us happy.
Happiness is important like my father told me.
To not be happy is a sad thing and it breaks others hearts.

So I have decided that if I'm happy when I'm with someone then that means I'm happy.
I don't care their personality, appearance, their history, or anything like that.
I will focus on how they make me feel.
How they will make me feel will be happy.
Something I've never really been.