in my stomach.
in my mind.
not a tree,
not a flower,
not a plant of any kind.
full of absolutely nothing...
so what I am to you...
emptiness that is.
in my throat.
the lump, the bump,
it won't go down.
I can't take it any longer.
I fall to the ground.
no more growing
because now I am small.
as small as these feelings you have.
as small as the time it took
for me to grow fond.
so I shrink now.
down to the very last drop of
no just the pond.
the pond that will soon turn into a pit.
in my stomach.
Moments of 'I can do this',
or I can't,
or I will,
or I won't?
Moments of uncertainty,
where its just you,
and its just me.
Moments of temporary bliss,
because I know it doesn't last,
and I know this doesn't stay like this.
Moments of seeing the good in the bad,
matched with the bad in the good.
Moments where I think I'm okay.
Moments where I think its that day.
Moments of desire,
when I desire the wrong person,
and that desire can't seem so desirable anymore.
But I wrongly desire it anyways.
Moments of stop! (red light),
and GO (green light),
and 'I don't even know what I'm doing.' (yellow light?).
Take the moments as they are and run.
Run for your life.
Hand on the leg.
Fingers clasped behind the neck.
Kiss on the lips.
He grabs me by the hips.
And in the moment I forget the past.
I forget what he did
And I forget what he said.
I am not what I think I am.
I am not anything to him.
I should stop, just turn away my head.
But here I am...
Back in bed.
An irresistible force,
So hard for me to resist.
I say next time.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me again, this is getting old.
Let's just skip to number ten, I'm way past just being bold.
I think I can do whatever I want
But no, consequences exist...
Other people exist...
C'mon I need to resist!
Self control is my issue and I need it to survive.
Help, some one help I just need to feel alive.
Craving affection never got me to far.
A tongue down your throat isn't a hand on your heart.
Pushing out your ***** won't make them see the real you.
They don't get to see, and feel, and love what you do.
To the hookups we'll never see again,
It's only a matter of time that I break what you continue to bend.
I don't want to wake up,
To regrets and judgment,
Will I ever find some one who wants me for real?
I won't find out because I don't even want to feel.
When will I learn?
I don't need to break and burn.
"You can't love others until you love yourself" they said.
And I can't.
So I won't.
I was blind.
He said I was the only one,
I can see now
But choose to be blind.
How messed up is that?
— The End —