I haven’t been here
I have been searching
Ways to keep my heart from hurting
I drink
I’m sober
I binge
I purge
I give away every inch of my love
Until I no longer have the urge
I have been wondering
Will I ever truly be content
Or will my feelings forever be on the fence

My heart is always being molded
It has been cherished
It has been scolded
My heart has acquired
Countless breaks over time
There are more things to be lost
And there are more things for me to find
But the one thing that will never change
Is this heart will always be mine

My dreams of us were rich
But the reality of us was poor
I just can’t stop you
From walking out my door
I was falling
While you were growing bored
I’m left alone wishing
That I could’ve meant more

I thought the stars had aligned
I thought he was meant to be mine
I opened myself to him
Heart in hand
Offered him the best version
Of who I am
He was my only lover
But to him
I was only another

They say I’m a healer
But is that true
Because despite years of love
I never healed you
Do they mean, instead, I search out men that need healing?
Do I chase this pain because I yearn for feeling?
Maybe I am not a healer
Maybe I am just naive
To think I can change lives
And to think this is more important than my own needs

I search for the love
I search for the healing
I hurt myself trying to regain feeling
Was I born this way
With the illness and the voices
Or did I ruin myself
With my own thoughtless choices

I want you to love me
Because your blood runs in my veins
And I’ve offered you my love
But you’ve only given me pain
So finally I hurt you
In return for hurting me
Yet I am left with guilt
I don’t feel better, nor do I feel free
Now I am left only with one question
Have you ever felt guilt
For hurting me