Only if you knew
how much I
torture myself
to be with you
“just as a friend.”

I used to long for you
even when I knew,
I didn't belong to you.

you’ve been trying too hard to fall in love,
but when love comes to you in pieces;
you walk away, thinking it isn’t enough.

you’ve been trying to find someone mature,
but when stability comes into your life;
you find it boring in the first place.

you’ve been trying to fill your voids,
but when warmth tries to touch you;
you refuse it because you’re cold.

you’ve been trying to find perfection,
but no one is perfect and no one will be
yet you don’t care about who is there
cause’ what’s available to you isn’t worthy.

I know we are not a thing anymore.
I know that we don’t even need to be.
I know you have people next door and
I am the last that you would like to see.

I am sorry that I misunderstood things.
Thought you weren’t looking for flings.
I am sorry that I tried to fool my heart
when I knew you’re going to break it apart.

you've broken me into pieces
and in ways I can't be fixed.
You took away my bliss and
I'll never forgive you for this.

you leave your chats unread
thinking it’s uber-cool to ignore,
but one day you will be dead;
I won’t hear you from any door.

around you I feel so different
like I am in another dimension,
but nowhere to look and go,
just lost and waiting to be loved.

around you I feel so high
like I am on several drugs,
but not hallucinating,
only dreaming of you.

around you I have tangled thoughts
like if I would speak,
I just won't stop.