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 Jul 2014 Olivia McCann
JT
Here I am
In front of a paper
As I try to write you
A sensible poem

I have not eaten
Nor have gotten up from bed
As I stared in the ceiling
Laying in wet and soiled sheets

Why is that, you may ask
Some may say I seek for attention
While some would say
What a pathetic kid

But you never asked
How I was feeling
How I try to survive
And live each day

Perhaps what I felt was nothing to you
You would say that I should move on
And forget about the past
But that can't be done overnight

You never listened to my stories
Nor did you cared when things went wrong
You only accepted the happiness I gave you
With nothing in return

Maybe, that’s why I kept my feelings
All bottled inside
That one day
I would just explode

Maybe, I feared people leaving me
For others that is so much better
Making me feel worthless
And all alone

I tried to conquer the miseries
I had when you left me
You that I have depended on
And you that has left

The wind has blown against my face
And the sun has already set
I've realized that I should learn
How to love myself first

-j.t.
Irked by the stale life I am in
A bland dish seeking ample spice
The intersection of our roads was exhilarating
A new-born daredevil shall not think twice

Perilous was the color of your eyes
The way your gaze froze me in place
Flames previously nonexistent began to rise
And desires now asked to feel my embrace

Dangerous was the shade of your plump lips
When you speak, the way they curve
Electric bolts pierced through my fingertips
Then infiltrated my every vein, every nerve

Treacherous was the sound of your voice
The way curses became a pleasing melody
A single syllable balked all perturbing noise
Enticing me into your wicked sorcery

Lethal was how you skillfully kiss
The way it sets ablaze the surface it meets
My formation of thoughts have gone amiss
The settling insanity is now who greets

Murderous was your hand's every touch
The way your fingers danced on my skin
Dull-looking blades were deemed to do not much
But yours were sharp enough to slice my soul within

Pestilent was how you wrapped yourself around my body
The way your frame is fitted to mine
Tremendous waves devour me completely
And I drown, though not in brine

Deadly was how you wanted to play
The way you wanted to love me
From my ever-so-monotonous life, I have gone astray
My life is the price; I'll pay it fully
My own self criticism isn't enough; everyone will always have something to say to you that will enter your skin like a dagger.

you've gained weight!
You try being diagnosed with ******* anorexia and then tell me why I gained weight. I look in the mirror everyday and want to break the reflection.

you look too formal, it's too hot out for that long skirt
I have scabs on my legs from the over sensitive skin that decides to cling onto me. Rashes from mosquito bites are not beautiful. People stare.

why aren't you reading
I'm on vacation after busting my *** for nine months. That's why.

you look worried, what's wrong
If only you knew I'm okay means nothing.

you're too naive to understand but you'll see one day
I'm naive because I care about things, because I won't eat chicken that I saw dead in a pan, because I won't throw away a snail through the window from the seventh story because I can't imagine myself falling, because I realize humans are animals too? I'm not naive. My thoughts keep me awake at night.

And all of their voices circle through my mind day after day after day reminding me I will never be good enough.
This is a really personal matter to me
When you open your eyes for the first time
When you have your first laugh-until-you-cry
When you first climb that mountain to see the skies
It is when your friends get you high.
Laughing about the taste of the stars that you stole

When the man in the moon finally shows up at last.
When you bring your friends over to crack jokes and have a blast.
It is the weirdness of you and your friends
And the quirkiness of your trends
It's the dimming light when you say good-bye.
But always knowing that you might see them next July.

It's the spark of the fireworks and the lights of Christmas.
It is when you feel happy... for no reason.
You're just smiling for the season.
It's when you're free and full of glee.
That is the perfection.
static
the buzz
the numb
no right no wrong no up no down no left no right
black and white turn to grey
it's empty and it's full
empty of meaning
full of nothing
18
We're 16 and the world is alive and vivid and just within our grasp
We feel invincible.

We're 17 and we have fun without responsibilities or regret
We feel alive.

We're 18 and we are aware of our vulnerability and brokenness
We feel broken.

I hope to be 19 and pick up the pieces and glue them together with confidence and self worth
I want to feel whole.
I hope beyond all hope.
This city is ******* the life out of me,
in such a fast and glamorous manner.

I want to run away.
Wanderlust does not even begin to describe the extent of what I am feeling.
Cabin fever, no,
I have cabin flu.
I am coughing,
and sneezing,
and wheezing bits and pieces of my soul amidst mucus in my lungs.
I am losing myself,
stuck within the confines of every habit
and being
that has overtaken me and I have grown so accustomed to over the years.
It is time to cut ties.
Be alone, and free.
Isolation is the key to discovering the authentic me.
I love this city so ******* much. And I'll likely always come back, and I will never hesitate to call it home. But right now, I must get out.
For
              Carl Solomon

                   I

I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by
      madness, starving hysterical naked,
dragging themselves through the ***** streets at dawn
      looking for an angry fix,
angelheaded hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly
      connection to the starry dynamo in the machin-
      ery of night,
who poverty and tatters and hollow-eyed and high sat
      up smoking in the supernatural darkness of
      cold-water flats floating across the tops of cities
      contemplating jazz,
who bared their brains to Heaven under the El and
      saw Mohammedan angels staggering on tene-
      ment roofs illuminated,
who passed through universities with radiant cool eyes
      hallucinating Arkansas and Blake-light tragedy
      among the scholars of war,
who were expelled from the academies for crazy &
      publishing obscene odes on the windows of the
      skull,
who cowered in unshaven rooms in underwear, burn-
      ing their money in wastebaskets and listening
      to the Terror through the wall,
who got busted in their ***** beards returning through
      Laredo with a belt of marijuana for New York,
who ate fire in paint hotels or drank turpentine in
      Paradise Alley, death, or purgatoried their
      torsos night after night
with dreams, with drugs, with waking nightmares, al-
      cohol and **** and endless *****,
incomparable blind; streets of shuddering cloud and
      lightning in the mind leaping toward poles of
      Canada & Paterson, illuminating all the mo-
      tionless world of Time between,
Peyote solidities of halls, backyard green tree cemetery
      dawns, wine drunkenness over the rooftops,
      storefront boroughs of teahead joyride neon
      blinking traffic light, sun and moon and tree
      vibrations in the roaring winter dusks of Brook-
      lyn, ashcan rantings and kind king light of mind,
who chained themselves to subways for the endless
      ride from Battery to holy Bronx on benzedrine
      until the noise of wheels and children brought
      them down shuddering mouth-wracked and
      battered bleak of brain all drained of brilliance
      in the drear light of Zoo,
who sank all night in submarine light of Bickford's
      floated out and sat through the stale beer after
      noon in desolate Fugazzi's, listening to the crack
      of doom on the hydrogen jukebox,
who talked continuously seventy hours from park to
      pad to bar to Bellevue to museum to the Brook-
      lyn Bridge,
lost battalion of platonic conversationalists jumping
      down the stoops off fire escapes off windowsills
      off Empire State out of the moon,
yacketayakking screaming vomiting whispering facts
      and memories and anecdotes and eyeball kicks
      and shocks of hospitals and jails and wars,
whole intellects disgorged in total recall for seven days
      and nights with brilliant eyes, meat for the
      Synagogue cast on the pavement,
who vanished into nowhere Zen New Jersey leaving a
      trail of ambiguous picture postcards of Atlantic
      City Hall,
suffering Eastern sweats and Tangerian bone-grind-
      ings and migraines of China under junk-with-
      drawal in Newark's bleak furnished room,
who wandered around and around at midnight in the
      railroad yard wondering where to go, and went,
      leaving no broken hearts,
who lit cigarettes in boxcars boxcars boxcars racketing
      through snow toward lonesome farms in grand-
      father night,
who studied Plotinus Poe St. John of the Cross telep-
      athy and bop kabbalah because the cosmos in-
      stinctively vibrated at their feet in Kansas,
who loned it through the streets of Idaho seeking vis-
      ionary indian angels who were visionary indian
      angels,
who thought they were only mad when Baltimore
      gleamed in supernatural ecstasy,
who jumped in limousines with the Chinaman of Okla-
      homa on the impulse of winter midnight street
      light smalltown rain,
who lounged hungry and lonesome through Houston
      seeking jazz or *** or soup, and followed the
      brilliant Spaniard to converse about America
      and Eternity, a hopeless task, and so took ship
      to Africa,
who disappeared into the volcanoes of Mexico leaving
      behind nothing but the shadow of dungarees
      and the lava and ash of poetry scattered in fire
      place Chicago,
who reappeared on the West Coast investigating the
      F.B.I. in beards and shorts with big pacifist
      eyes **** in their dark skin passing out incom-
      prehensible leaflets,
who burned cigarette holes in their arms protesting
      the narcotic tobacco haze of Capitalism,
who distributed Supercommunist pamphlets in Union
      Square weeping and ******* while the sirens
      of Los Alamos wailed them down, and wailed
      down Wall, and the Staten Island ferry also
      wailed,
who broke down crying in white gymnasiums naked
      and trembling before the machinery of other
      skeletons,
who bit detectives in the neck and shrieked with delight
      in policecars for committing no crime but their
      own wild cooking pederasty and intoxication,
who howled on their knees in the subway and were
      dragged off the roof waving genitals and manu-
      scripts,
who let themselves be ****** in the *** by saintly
      motorcyclists, and screamed with joy,
who blew and were blown by those human seraphim,
      the sailors, caresses of Atlantic and Caribbean
      love,
who balled in the morning in the evenings in rose
      gardens and the grass of public parks and
      cemeteries scattering their ***** freely to
      whomever come who may,
who hiccuped endlessly trying to giggle but wound up
      with a sob behind a partition in a Turkish Bath
      when the blond & naked angel came to pierce
      them with a sword,
who lost their loveboys to the three old shrews of fate
      the one eyed shrew of the heterosexual dollar
      the one eyed shrew that winks out of the womb
      and the one eyed shrew that does nothing but
      sit on her *** and snip the intellectual golden
      threads of the craftsman's loom,
who copulated ecstatic and insatiate with a bottle of
      beer a sweetheart a package of cigarettes a can-
      dle and fell off the bed, and continued along
      the floor and down the hall and ended fainting
      on the wall with a vision of ultimate **** and
      come eluding the last gyzym of consciousness,
who sweetened the snatches of a million girls trembling
      in the sunset, and were red eyed in the morning
      but prepared to sweeten the ****** of the sun
      rise, flashing buttocks under barns and naked
      in the lake,
who went out ******* through Colorado in myriad
      stolen night-cars, N.C., secret hero of these
      poems, cocksman and Adonis of Denver--joy
      to the memory of his innumerable lays of girls
      in empty lots & diner backyards, moviehouses'
      rickety rows, on mountaintops in caves or with
      gaunt waitresses in familiar roadside lonely pet-
      ticoat upliftings & especially secret gas-station
      solipsisms of johns, & hometown alleys too,
who faded out in vast sordid movies, were shifted in
      dreams, woke on a sudden Manhattan, and
      picked themselves up out of basements hung
      over with heartless Tokay and horrors of Third
      Avenue iron dreams & stumbled to unemploy-
      ment offices,
who walked all night with their shoes full of blood on
      the snowbank docks waiting for a door in the
      East River to open to a room full of steamheat
      and *****,
who created great suicidal dramas on the apartment
      cliff-banks of the Hudson under the wartime
      blue floodlight of the moon & their heads shall
      be crowned with laurel in oblivion,
who ate the lamb stew of the imagination or digested
      the crab at the muddy bottom of the rivers of
      Bowery,
who wept at the romance of the streets with their
      pushcarts full of onions and bad music,
who sat in boxes breathing in the darkness under the
      bridge, and rose up to build harpsichords in
      their lofts,
who coughed on the sixth floor of Harlem crowned
      with flame under the tubercular sky surrounded
      by orange crates of theology,
who scribbled all night rocking and rolling over lofty
      incantations which in the yellow morning were
      stanzas of gibberish,
who cooked rotten animals lung heart feet tail borsht
      & tortillas dreaming of the pure vegetable
      kingdom,
who plunged themselves under meat trucks looking for
      an egg,
who threw their watches off the roof to cast their ballot
      for Eternity outside of Time, & alarm clocks
      fell on their heads every day for the next decade,
who cut their wrists three times successively unsuccess-
      fully, gave up and were forced to open antique
      stores where they thought they were growing
      old and cried,
who were burned alive in their innocent flannel suits
      on Madison Avenue amid blasts of leaden verse
      & the tanked-up clatter of the iron regiments
      of fashion & the nitroglycerine shrieks of the
      fairies of advertising & the mustard gas of sinis-
      ter intelligent editors, or were run down by the
      drunken taxicabs of Absolute Reality,
who jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge this actually hap-
      pened and walked away unknown and forgotten
      into the ghostly daze of Chinatown soup alley
      ways & firetrucks, not even one free beer,
who sang out of their windows in despair, fell out of
      the subway window, jumped in the filthy Pas-
      saic, leaped on negroes, cried all over the street,
      danced on broken wineglasses barefoot smashed
      phonograph records of nostalgic European
      1930s German jazz finished the whiskey and
      threw up groaning into the ****** toilet, moans
      in their ears and the blast of colossal steam
      whistles,
who barreled down the highways of the past journeying
      to each other's hotrod-Golgotha jail-solitude
      watch or Birmingham jazz incarnation,
who drove crosscountry seventytwo hours to find out
      if I had a vision or you had a vision or he had
      a vision to find out Eternity,
who journeyed to Denver, who died in Denver, who
      came back to Denver & waited in vain, who
      watched over Denver & brooded & loned in
      Denver and finally went away to find out the
      Time, & now Denver is lonesome for her heroes,
who fell on their knees in hopeless cathedrals praying
      for each other's salvation and light and *******,
      until the soul illuminated its hair for a second,
who crashed through their minds in jail waiting for
      impossible criminals with golden heads and the
      charm of reality in their hearts who sang sweet
      blues to Alcatraz,
who retired to Mexico to cultivate a habit, or Rocky
   &nb
I think I could fill volumes upon volumes of books
filled with words and phrases and sentences
that you would never tell me.

I could write forever about the words you did say.
The ones that held no truth, only deception,
and blinded me for months.

I could spend a lifetime reciting the way your voice
would raise and come at me like a knife with no apology
and tear me down before your eyes.

But despite all that,
I could never in a million years
describe the way it felt when you said my name
for the very first time.
 Jul 2014 Olivia McCann
JT
On times like this
He was the one
Who used to hold
Your hand amid
The busy streets

He was the one
Who touched you like
A cup of tea
Pressed on your skin
When times got rough

He cuddled with you
As the rain dropped
On your window pane
While you listened to vinyls
On repeat

He used to write you poems
On benches at parks
As he stared at your eyes
And watched people come and go

Someday, he said
I can’t love you anymore
You thought he was joking
But the bitter truth
Was that- he was not

You fell for him more
As the day passed
You soon realized
That you loved him
More than ever

On nights that felt
Like no one is awake
You let your souls out
While dancing along
Silly pop songs

He used to carry your bags
So you can shop
And bought you roses
When you overthink
A lot

He would come over
For he was used to
Being awake at 3am
To listen to all
That bothers you

14th of February
He took you out on a
Fun fair and made you
Laugh as if he
Had already stole your heart

He was sweet
You were quirky
In that sudden moment
Everything was
So beautiful


It was until you lost him



You never learned
How sad
It is walking
Down the road
All alone

You never learned
How it is to keep
All your problems
To yourself
With no one to listen

You’d bring out
The poems he
Had written you
Realizing how much he
Has loved you

As you sit beside his grave
Like any other Saturday
Talking to him
As if he was still alive

Where nights like this
You would like to
Sleep in his arms
Listening to the beat
Of his heart

But the pain is still there
Knowing that even if he
Knew he was dying
He still kept
On loving you

Because you'd rather
Watch sunsets
With him
Than mourning
For his death

-j.t
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