so this is the final note,

i already sang my ideal goodbye a few months ago. cosmic tears, silent breaths. wished that not only the sound of my breathing that was missing.

i promised myself that i wouldn’t let myself go back into the well-lit corner where we tried to sync our voices so we could sound less disastrous. but then it inspired another analogy. we are that corner. more than anything else

have you ever looked at someone and thought, “you’re the young adult novel i read last month.”

written on brown was another goodbye note. unsent messages and remixes of old regrets. i got rid of idealism and embraced the disaster that was going to happen. but it didn’t work

i’ll have you know that i never read those novels anymore. i find them too naive, or maybe i’m just too bitter. i’ll have you know that i stopped after our second first meeting.

and a few days ago i thought that you were just a fuel that keeps my fingers tapping. not the destination. but i guess you won’t reach any destination with an empty tank, will you?

remember a year ago that you were just another form of my failed dream? of a regret that isn’t quite clear. you became much greater than that, you are a bigger, higher hope, thrown harder to the ground.

remember when i thought you share my madness of two. ours. it took me a few tens of stair steps and a couple of incompatible seats to realize that you never were. my naivety never went away after all.

remember when you turned your back gracefully; remember when i was glad that my pillows weren’t made of sponge? remember diamonds turning into broken glass?

you don’t. you will never. because you never knew (or pretended to not)

and in the end, i’d do it all again.

i’ll betray myself again; i’ll let myself down again. i’ll always love to think that i’m not the only one that is afraid, that is screaming my fears away.

but even after shouting my heart out and putting my mind on display, i’m not quite outside my head, not yet. i really do believe in miracles. and maybe one day someone will drop a key to my thoughts and leave me to exit them myself.

*sometimes i like to think that person is you.

sun sizzle pop-rock hopscotch round the rowdy block of troubled spots,
and iron-lock your dirt-soaked sock to a gumdrop your friend forgot the last time you stopped to watch the lilies bloom
in slow motion loop-de-loos.
sinking smooth waterloos,
darling just look at you! beaming with gooey honey dripping sooloos -
woohoo baby!
the lazy river bends her neck to spend extra time with the water bed,
so shed your excuses and wear your heart on the tippy-top of your head,
if it falls, mend it by sending ends of threads spinning fractal patterns round the edge,
crafting a hand-patched garden to bake batches of laughter from.
latching your fingers, pull and tug those weeds into soot underfoot tearing remnants of long lost looks your lover took and shook off your balcony in a hazy dream.
alchemy your bones to seeds
and feed them with tears of gold sweet memories.
reading poetry from socrates thumb
won't translate the sacred humming running through your chest,
only you can sing the refrain of broken hymns and lift the soul from the rims of the black hole pit.
the universe lives in you, don't forget.

Bent and afraid of you
On our porch

But you
Slowed your worn voice.
Silly it was to those that pass.
New
For me, eyes mild, hands still.
The years we rested for

According to science
by the time I hit flames
my velocity
will crack the floor

But there’s no room for science here

My family waves
(and by now I’m in flames)
blank goodbyes of I told you so
Dogs with rabies
aborted babies
and all those Disney Villains

The Fat **** who kills his own meat and is sleeping with your mother
never knew you
For you
So Loved The World

muted waters
curtains of ice clouds
silvered rivers
hymns of shivering
hushed waves over stone
a shadow brushes
the cold edges here
under violet skies
gnarled boughs
twist my soul into roots

metal mountain majesty,
rest your weary bones with me.
calling all concrete angels to the streets
time has come for spirit and sky to meet.
transmutation of me to infinity,
intimate touch inspires divinity so
treat the porcupine souls with an extra kiss,
remind their soft underbelly of the
strength hidden in bare skin vulnerability and knowledge from within.
there, there delicate dandelion,
keep finding cracks in the sidewalk
to push up through,
beauty and life will follow you even into
the unforgiving jaws of iron gods
that rip bone from sinew.
and remember:
all life is but cosmic comedy,
the universe giggling in paradoxical remedies
riddling harmony in a discordant key
unfolding rigid arms into gentle giving -
notice the earth's truth still living
in the metallic city.