I’ve been thinking about what to say for a couple of weeks, long before my birthday, and yet I still cannot articulate the words that I really really want to say. I know that we aren’t friends anymore and that we don’t talk anymore, but still I would’ve thought that after so many years of friendship and after everything that we have been through, you would’ve text or called or something for my birthday. In my mind, I thought that what we had, the bond that we had shared was stronger than that. Despite everything that had transpired. Even though we were not talking, I still wished you a happy 18th birthday. I knew that that was a milestone for you, I knew that it was a major occasion. I swallowed my pride, even though I was still extremely hurt and mad at you. I did that and against better judgement will still continue to do that, because believe it or not you are still the first person I think to tell things to. You are still the first person that I reach to call whenever things in my head are going to ****.
Last week, I was at A&T; with one of my friends Britni and for some reason, I started going down memory lane. Friday, it started with looking through my Instagram and then onto yours and then to my very old account. I then moved to Facebook, looking through all of our stupid videos and pictures. Then I ventured to your mother’s account. And as I swam deeper and deeper into the memory pool that mainly consisted of us, I got sadder and sadder and sadder. First it started off one eye tear stream and then I got up and walked to the bathroom and my vision became blurred with our smiling faces and mascara burning its way down my cheeks.
Even now, I am sitting in a stairway contemplating sending this to you or just saying, “**** it, she doesn’t care about you anyway”, and proceed with my original plan of getting drunk tonight with you on my brain. But I don’t know, maybe I need to send this, get all of this off my chest like my therapist says. Maybe sending this to you will help me sleep more, maybe it will help to let go of the past. I really don’t want to cry anymore. I really don’t want to keep waking up in the middle of the night thinking of you. Pathetic I know, because you don’t feel the same.
You don’t have to respond, it’s okay.
-Nai
(21/11/2015)

Throw me over the river bank,
Fill my pockets with all of your lies.
Drown me in the thought of you.

writing has been hard lately...
it's like i've being trapped under
this invisible bubble, thats almost
impossible to break free from.

it's hard being surrounded by people constantly
it's hard always having to fake...everything
words never come easily anymore
its almost like i have to put my fingers
down my throat and force them out.

the stress and anxiety is slowly eating
away at my soul.
as drastic and unreal as that sounds - its
true.
i can feel it, gnawing away at my feeble attempts at being normal.


n.g.

Dear No one,

Your eyes were shinning bright today and I was at a loss of words to say. It's finally starting to feel like fall again. The leaves are falling and my heart is constantly wandering  back to sleep. Dreaming of worlds so beautiful and true. All of the colours swirled together and made something new. In the sky they drew out the face of you. I am not sure if you're going to understand my late night banter but try to remember to look up at the stars every once in a while.

Sincerely,
No one

I am desperate...
Desperate for affection that I know
  will never come from your
Hands
Mouth
Or even your heart
Constant give and take,
With me always giving and never
  taking what I want
Or taking what I deserve

I let you hurt me
Allowed you to evade my questions
But answered yours truthfully and
wholly

I feel stupid for still wanting you
I feel stupid for always sticking up
   for you when everyone is saying,
cut her loose!

Now I'm laying bed wishing you'd
   text me back
And trying to hold back tears
My hands are shaking because of
All my fears....

They all look like you

29/9/15

it's 3:30 and i'm up
thinking about the past again
drowning in the thoughts you bring

i'm starting not to make any sense
and i can't see past my phone screen
the time keeps changing, getting
onward with the night

i keep dreaming
and not really dreaming
i keep smiling
but inside i'm still kinda dying

i don't know what to make of any of this
i don't know what to make of any of this
i don't know what to make of any of this

(16/8/2015)