I wanted so badly to get Ice Cream and go online here at the library.
So badly, that I was having trouble reading my second book.
I did some Japanese, and read my first book, but only a bit of the second one.
So I decided to just stop reading, and go get my Ice Cream.
I walked all the way there, then found that four dollars wasn't enough...
Luckily, I had packed some food to bring just in case I couldn't walk, so I decided to eat outside when I got back to the library.
I really needed to sit, but all the seats were wet from the rain.
So I ended up sitting on one of the pole things by the entrance.
I was able to keep pressing the blue button to let people in while I ate my animal crackers, though.
And yes, I like to eat animal crackers, and I'm an adult, don't judge me lol
Anyway, I was able to eat, so I came up here to use a computer for the remainder of my time.
I wanna work on a story, so I guess my brain was trying to tell me to hurry up.
Well, I'm here now until 4:20, so I guess I should get to writing.
I just like to write on here first, after I check my mail.
This might be because I was up all night two nights ago, and finally slept last night, so my body is still adjusting.
I was just a bit out of focus, but my focus is cleared up now.
I won't say that going to get the Ice Cream was a waste of time.
I got a nice walk in, so I say, it was worth the trip.
And I got to help a lot of people who were coming and going, while I silently ate my crackers.
Someone asked me about a craft thing going on, and I said I didn't know.
They asked me what today's date was, and since my phone was in my  backpack, I didn't know.
Also, my anxiety started to go up when the person talked to me, but I kept calm.
After she left, I didn't have to talk to anyone else.
Alright, that's all I have to say until Monday, when I come back.
See you on Monday, bye!

I came here yesterday, and it was a lot later than usual.
I usually come from around twelve, and stay until around three.
But due to therapy, I came right after, so it was around two.
First of all, I figured my brain wouldn't fine anything wrong with it.
I still had my schedule, and I know what I like to do, so I was good.
At least, I thought I was good...
There was no left seating desk thing free in the downstairs area.
And since I prefer the left side to the right, I had find another spot.
There is a red couch near the audio books, and there's an outlet.
And since there was an outlet for my phone charger, I sat down.
But I found it would be hard for me to work on my Japanese there.
Because I knew I would have trouble concentrating right there.
It was in an open space, unlike where I like to sit.
So instead, I decided to go on my phone for a while.
Going on my phone is something I like to do at the end.
And since I was doing it first, I felt a little bit uneasy.
I made sure a video was uploaded to my YouTube.
Then I checked my social media, and was about to listen to Spotify.
But I looked over & the stairs leading to the upper level got to me.
And I got distracted by the need to see what was up there.
So I took a picture, put it on my Instagram & Facebook, and went.
I took the elevator the middle floor, and found the Quiet Area.
Then I walked up a couple stairs, and started looking around.
I did a little more snooping, then tried one of the computers.
I had to find one where there weren't too many people.
When I found it, I didn't know how to log on, so I gave up.
I went back downstairs in the elevator, & it wasn't even two thirty.
But I was already ready to go home, so I sent a text,
I sat outside for a while, and when I was told my ride was on the phone, I surrendered.
I told them never mind, and I went back inside.
I decided I needed to at least do my schedule, and went upstairs.
I went back to the middle floor, and tried the Quiet Room.
I found a spot, and worked on my Japanese workbook.
I liked it, but it still felt weird and uncomfortable.
I went to read in the outer area, but ended up going to the upper floor.
All the left sides to the little studying desks were filled up again.
So I found a little seat, and decided to sit down and read.
But I couldn't concentrate, because I wasn't in my "normal spot".
I wasn't sitting on the left, with my back to whoever, hidden.
Hidden by the little privacy that comes with those desks I like a lot.
So after a page or two, I gave up, and went back down.
Luckily, my ride was ready, so I said I wanted to leave.
After a few more minutes, I finally went back home.

And I learned something from that little experience.
I had set a strict schedule for myself, and I broke it a bit.
I went to a different part of the library, without doing my routine.
And because of this, and the time of day, it was too weird for me.
So I decided that I should only go every other Thurday.
Each Thursday when I don't have therapy.
That way, I go at the same time, and don't confuse my brain.
And today, I went at my normal time, but a bit earlier.
It was only five or ten minutes earlier, so it felt normal.
This is the right time for me to come, and I realize that now.
I found a left side that was free, where I like to sit, and sat down.
I took out my Japanese workbook, my library books, and set up.
I plugged my phone charger and got onto the library's WiFi.
I went for Spotify to listen to while I did my Japanese, but went with a YouTube video instead.
Both equally help me concentrate, so I was not confused at all.
Then, I read my books, checked my social medias, and came up here.
I decided that I would come upstairs and use one of the computers.
When I logged on, I realized I had a 120 minutes to use it.
And this is a lot longer than if I were to use one downstairs.
So, I made a decision about how to spend my time.
First, I check my mail, then I do what I want.
And after I'm done, then I go home.
I told my ride, and they know when to come get me.
So I've decided, my schedule stays the same, but I changed this.
All I changed, was where I go after I finish my reading and social media checks every other day.
Instead of staying downstairs, I'll come up here, and find a computer.
I'll do this every other Weekday, because I stay home on Weekends.
And that makes me comfortable, so I feel happy.
The people by some of the computers make me a bit jittery.
But I just tell myself that I'm not here to talk to anyone.
And this has been labeled as another quiet place, which is good.
I know no one is going to bother me, and that makes me content.
So now, I'm gonna spend the remaining 57 minutes that I have.
What am I gonna do during these 57 minutes?
Work on another story or two, then go home.
That's all I have to say, except for one thing.
This was entirely longer than I thought it would be, and I'm sorry.
Thanks for reading this if you did, and liking it if you did.

I just had to leave the library and take a walk.
Actually, I was gonna go home, but decided against it.
I figured I'd walk to Hannaford and get something to eat.
However, 3 dollars wasn't really enough to get anything.
So I had to start walking back, and got to the other sidewalk.
My goal was to try and see what there was at 7/11.
However, I saw someone walking on either side of the sidewalk.
My anxiety started to get a bit much again, and I turned around.
I decided to just go back to the library, and I did.
Luckily, as I was walking back, I noticed how much better I felt.
I left the library because there was noise in the computer room.
And there was noise around it too, and it was overwhelming me.
I was losing my focus, and since I was writing, I didn't like that.
So I gave up, and decided to just ask for someone to take me home.
Only, she didn't answer after a couple minutes, like usual.
So, as I sat and waited, I realized I had some many, and changed my mind.
I didn't want to go home, I wanted to get something to eat instead.
However, as I said, I didn't have enough money to get anything.
But now, I have a clearer mind, and I was only gone like 20 minutes.
That's why I'm writing this right now, to get my thoughts out.
You know, the thoughts I was able to get back from clearing my head.
I decided to write this down, mainly for myself, as a reminder.
I don't need to go back home, I might just need to talk a walk.
I had other things on my mind, that I can't do anything about right now.
And knowing that, along with the noise, was too much.
But after that walk, those thoughts are gone, and I feel calm again.
So now, I can get back to what I was writing before I had to log off.
And I can continue for another 38 minutes, then go home.
Alright, that was an extra post for today, because I felt like it.
I needed to write this down when the memory was still fresh.
And now, I can finish typing, and come back again tomorrow.
Alright, see you tomorrow, bye!

Me: I've loved Taylor Swift since I was a little girl.
Self: I know, but you need to stop this.
Me: But I might get to go.
Self: You've seen her twice already.
Me: I know, her 'Speak Now' and 'Red' tour shows.
Self: Yes. So you need to stop getting worked up.
Me: I know you're right, self. But I just can't.
Self: I know, you wanna see her live again.
Me: And what's so bad about wanting that?'
Self: Nothing. But you know you might not.
Me: I know, you can stop telling me that.
Self: Not until you accept it. Just accept it.
Me: What, self? What do I need to accept?
Self: That there was only one reason why
you were able to go to the last two shows.
Me: I know. And I know she's not here anymore.
Self: Right. So they might not have enough.
You wanted a camera as well as maybe tickets.
Me: I know, I know. That was asking a lot.
Self: No, it wasn't. You didn't put a star on it.
On the tickets to the concert.
Me: I know I didn't put a star on the tickets.
Self: And why did you not put a star on the tickets?
Me: Because if I did, then that would create pressure.
And I know that they would feel bad if they couldn't.
So I didn't put a star so they wouldn't feel like they
had to.
Self: Wow! You sure had a lot to say that time.
Me: I'm sorry, I was just trying to explain.
Self: No need, I know what you were doing.
But I think there's something you need to know.
Me: What?
Self: They might get you the tickets after all.
Me: Self...
Self: No! You heard what your Uncle said.
Me: Yes. And I also know that he likes to mess
with me. And he might've just been doing that.
Self: Are you sure about that? Are you really sure?
Me: Of course I am! I mean, I have to be.
Self: Why? Why do you have to be sure?
Me: Because that way I won't be depressed if I
don't get the tickets and end up not going.
I need to keep telling myself that we don't have
the money. Don't you understand?
Self: I understand that you've been talking to me
for the last five minutes about this.
Me: (Sighs) I know, I know. I guess I can still hope.
But I won't hope too much.
Self: Alright, don't stop hoping. Now, go write
something that will take your mind OFF Taylor
Swift.
Me: Alright. Thanks for listening. I'll talk to you
later, bye!
Self: Bye!

I told my mom that I wanted to go to New York after I graduate.
But she said no because I have bad anxiety.
Now I know that she just means that she won't support the idea.
Or if I asked, she would say no.
And I understand that she's just worried about me.
But if I don't go due to anxiety.
Then all that does is say that anxiety controls my life.
That it controls how I act.
Basically,  that means that it defines me and who I am.
And even though I have it.
It DOES NOT define me and who I am as a person.
Anxiety is just a PART of me.
And saying that I can't go because I'm anxious isn't right.
That means that my anxiety wins.
That means that it limits what I can and can't do.
There are things about New York that I like and wanna see.
There are people that go there.
And I would like to see them when they go there at times.
Also, there are colleges there.
And I know that they have colleges for acting and/or singing.
And those are two things I love.
And I'm not gonna let my anxiety keep me from going there.
I know that my mom means well.
But once I turn eighteen and graduate high school.
Then it's my decision.
Then I'm the one who determines if I can go or not.
And unless I don't have money.
There won't be anything keeping me from going.
As long as I am calm.
As long as I take deep breaths and know that I'm safe.
Know that it's big.
But it's also a great place where I can learn and have fun.
Which makes me excited.
I know this means that I will need to get a job.
But I will get one.
And did I mention that there are colleges in New York?
I mean, of course there are.
Don't get me wrong, I mean, I've known that all along.
But just never really thought of it.
Not until now when I'm in my Junior year of High School.
One more year and that's it.
One more year and I am out in the real world 365 days.
Every single day of my life.
And I know that I will be a stranger there till I meet people.
But that's nothing new.
The only thing that'll be new is how I handle being alone.
I can hide in the corner.
Or I can face my fears and go there with my head high.
I can say hi to people.
I can smile and nod at others who acknowledge me.
How will I get there?
I'm not sure about how I'll get there at the moment.
Maybe I'll get accepted.
A college might like my application that I send to them.
Or I'll just visit.
Get a job so I can pay for travel and to see a show there.
Or my YouTube Channel.
Yes, I have a YouTube Channel that I use twice a week.
That might help me.
Maybe I can make a career out of my YouTube Channel.
Now, don't argue with me.
I know that it's rare when people make a career off of that.
But I still love it.
I love making videos of myself singing and/or talking.
Not because of my voice.
Because those who know me know I don't like my voice.
I don't know why.
I've just always thought that I wasn't a good singer.
But I think that out of those who know me and teachers.
And then some online.
The only one who truly doesn't like my voice is me.
I'm my own worse critic.
If I see something negative about me I delete it.
Not because it's rude.
Well, that's part of it, but mainly because of me.
My mind will absorb that.
And then I will eventually will start to believe it.
Which is a form of anxiety.
Feeling anxious about how others think of you.
But the truth is.
If people are saying negative things about you.
Either to you or near you.
Or if they are saying something negative online.
Then don't listen.
Because they don't know you or who you are.
They just see the outside.
They don't know how you think or feel.
How could they?
They've never met you or got to know you.
All they know is online.
What they see in a three to ten minute video.
So don't listen.
Don't let what they say that's bad hurt you.
But if you do listen.
Then let it fuel you to be better than before.
Show them who you are.
Don't pay attention when they call you names.
Because they're wrong.
It doesn't matter who you are, they're wrong.
Pay attention to some.
The people who are praising you online.
Who like your voice.
Who like your style and are interested in you.
They want more.
They wanna see you twice a week, they like you.
Your videos mean a lot.
They mean a lot to those people who subscribe.
And they subscribe to you.
Because they like your videos and wanna see more.
Post what you want.
Sing one day and then talk the other, it's your choice.
It's your channel.
And that's what I have to tell myself when I upload.
Whenever I read comments.
And I do read all the comments I get when I get'em.
I don't get a lot.
And I still have a lot to learn when I respond.
I gotta learn to stifle.
Just say thanks and then be done with the person.
I need to do that.
Sometimes I get happy though and forget to.
But I'll get better.
For now, I need to focus on what I wanna do.
Which is make videos.
Wait a minute, what am I talking about now?
Sorry, got off topic.
This is about anxiety, not my YouTube Channel.
Okay, back to anxiety.
As I was saying, I will do what I can to manage it.
I will go there.
I will go to New York one way or another.
Not because I have to.
But because I want to for more reasons than one.
Even if my anxiety is bad.
Which I can admit that it is at times every day.
But I'll get through it.
Anxiety is not going to control me and define me.
I'm going to New York.
The only one who can control that destiny is myself.
And I will get there.
I don't know how or when, but I will.
Let this be a message.
A message for anyone who has to deal with anxiety.
It's not your life.
Anxiety doesn't control you if you don't let it.
Anxiety is a part of you.
But that's all it is, it's just a part of you that sticks.
But it gets better.
And if it can get better for me, than it will for you.

This isn't gonna be about what happened to you or how you were treated.
You know, by the media and those who chose to believe all the lies they told.
All I wanna talk about is how you were and what you mean to all of us.
I'm sixteen and have been a fan since I was a three or four year old little girl.
I would watch your videos and love hearing you sing all of those songs.
And I became an even bigger fan of you in fifth grade and have been since.
I sincerely can't get enough of your music from when you were here.
I love everything from when you were in The Jackson 5, Jacksons, and alone.
Because you were always a star and you showed that even in a group.
You were the lead singer who would get out and dance his heart out for us.
You don't know how much you meant to this world all of these years.
And I know that you really loved being on that stage more than being off it.
You said that you'd sleep on stage if you could. you'd live on stage.
You felt so much better when onstage than anywhere else in the world.
The only other time you feel comfortable is playing with a child.
It doesn't matter where they are are what race they are, you just love them.
You love that all they wanna do is play and have fun, not judge you.
You could play with them all day everyday and never get tired of it for a second.
You also had a very strong love for all kinds of animals, even snakes.
You loved every kind of animal from pets to elephants and even tigers.
But even more than that and all the music you made every day.
You were also all about making a difference in this world for all in it.
You hated that there was so much violence and wanted to help.
You used your tours to to make money so you could help charities around the world.
You would go to children's hospitals and oprhanages to give toys.
Because they were either ill or poor or didn't have a family of their own.
You cared so much about helping people in any way you could.
You talked while you were under the influnce trying to sleep about a hospital.
You wanted to use the money you would make on tickets for it.
A children's hospital and you wanted it to be the biggest in the world.
And while you may not have been able to do that, you did a lot.
You were still an inspiration to all of us through your music and kindness.
I don't think that it was your time to leave us five years ago.
But I guess that according to someone higher it was just the right time.
So I just think that you are up there moonwalking on the moon.
You and James Brown, and now Elizabeth Taylor are all together up there.
I will continue to watch your videos and only love you more.
And I just want you to know that you are more than just The King Of Pop.
And that nothing will be the same musically without you.
And nothing will be the same for anyone that knew you without you here.
Rest In Peace wherever you are and know that we love you.
And that we all think about you and support you every single day.

Are we friends?
I might not be ready yet, but I still want to know.
Do you remember?
Because I can't stop thinking about what we had.
Was it real?
I don't know, all I can say, is that I thought it was.
Are you embarrassed?
Because I know you hid when you saw my grandma.
Are you ashamed?
You told me you knew what you had done was wrong.
Do you understand?
I hope you know that what you did has left me scarred.
Do you care?
Because it seems like you don't even know I exist now.
Am I crazy?
Because I fell for you, only for you to hurt me again.
Why didn't I listen?
My mom kept telling me that she didn't trust you.
Are we friends?

Things are way better than I thought.
Life is great and everything was explained.
I have no reason to feel guilty or sorry.
I have no reason to be filled with anxiety.
It feels like this huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders.
You know, when all your stress builds up and takes over you?
That's what happened to me, and still does.
But I have a better time controlling it than I did before.
And I have people in my life who help me "stay in control" so to speak.
My family, friends, and my boyfriend <3
I will love these people forever and always.
I might not be great with poetry, I know I'm not.
So, here's a line from a song that I love, and think it sums up my love for people and happiness.
"I Will Always Love You."
Okay... That was a bit weird.
Hope you liked it anyway.
Bye!

Why is it hard wanting to be happy for yourself? You may ask yourself that when you get something that your friend wanted. Should you feel bad for the other person? If it's something that they really wanted and you got it instead, then sure. But that doesn't mean that you can't be happy for yourself too. I mean, you can get something that you didn't expect and the other person could feel bad because you got it instead of them. If they are a friend of yours, then sure, you can feel bad for them because they feel bad. But you don't need to make yourself feel that you getting what you want instead of the other person. You need to feel happy for yourself because you know what you're getting is supposed to make you feel good because you most likely deserve it. But for some people, they take being happy and gloating as the same thing. Then you can't get mad at the other person for being mad that you're gloating. You can be happy for yourself without gloating about it. Just recognize that the other person is upset and then be happy for yourself in a way that doesn't make the other person feel worse. It's not a hard thing to do and it's a good way to keep everyone happy.

I have really bad anxiety, so I really don't like talking to strangers.
At the library, I brought ten cents, a roll of tape, and scissors from home.
I did this so I could make a photocopy, and not have to deal with people.
However, when I used the photocopier, I did it wrong, and got nothing.
So, I had to go and ask for help.
I was a little bit nervous, but more annoyed with the photocopier.
Actually, I kept thinking it was because the photocopier just wasn't working right.
So, after I went to the front desk, they redirected me to the reference desk upstairs.
Now, I just thanked the lady, and went upstairs to get some help from them.
The lady up there and nice and helped me, and I learned that I had done it wrong when I was downstairs.
After I thanked her for her help, I stayed upstairs & went to an empty left sided cubby, & my schedule didn't change after that.
I didn't realize until I was done with my Japanese studying for the day, that I hadn't had an anxiety attack.
And just now, I realized why that was.
I was so busy needing help to photocopy, that I just didn't think about it.
I didn't think that I was talking to a complete stranger, because I was too busy thinking about my task at hand.
Now, this might not be possible for me every day, but today, it was.
And with how bad my anxiety is, it makes me happy when I don't succumb to it.
I mean, just now, I have to try and contain it, because someone sat down beside me at the other guest computer here downstairs.
This makes me anxious, but she's not talking to me, so I'm just trying to act like she's not there.
I always get nervous that someone's gonna talk to me, for some reason.
And if someone talks to me while I'm eating when I'm outside, I just concentrate on my food, so I don't shut down.
I can talk for a second, but I always feel relieved when they walk away.
I mean, the lady just left, and I feel more at ease now.
I hate feeling this way, but that's the way it is.
I'm still learning how to manage my anxiety, but I did get things done today, so I think I'm doing okay.
Alright, I only have 6 more minutes until my 20 minutes on this guest computer are up, then I'm gonna go eat.
You know, I like this schedule, I really like coming to the library.
I actually wanna write a lot more, but I don't have much time.
I might write more when I go upstairs for the 120 minutes that those computers provide, but I might not.
I still have to work on my notebook that I'm writing for my new story.
But first, I have to complete all of the notebook, then I have to completely type up everything that I wrote down.
And when it comes to printing it out, that will be done at home.
At least, I hope it will be done at home.
I just don't wanna be a nuisance to everyone else who may want the printer.
But that's at least another week or two down the road, so I don't even need to think about that right now.
Alright, I think I'm done until after I eat my lunch and go back upstairs.
And I'm not going to say bye, because I think I'm gonna come back on before I continue working on the notebook.
So instead, I'll say, see you later!

Well, those eight days were really going great!
And then, a bad cold wiped me out for 2 weeks.
Now, I’m at the point where I need to start over.
I’m going to think soon of how to do that.
In the meantime, I’m gonna get some stuff done.
I’m gonna get caught up w/ my Korean studies.
Then, I’m gonna start catching up on Japanese.
This is going to take some time, but I can do it!
When I get back on track, I’ll get a new routine!
Until then, that’s all I really have to say.
I’ll talk to you all later!

Ever have that feeling like someone's watching you?
That feeling you get when you feel eyes on you all the time?
It makes you feel scared, like they want something.
And when you look, they don't look away, they just stare.
That sense of someone wanting something, but not speaking.
It makes you feel like you want to disappear, not be seen.
Until finally, they walk away, leaving you alone again.
And though, you feel better, it still leaves you wary.
Wary of why that person wouldn't stop staring.
Wary of thinking they might do the same thing again.
Thinking they may come back to stare at you again.
It just makes you feel so wary, like they want your attention.
Being watched is something you don't ever want to be.
Because it's a horrible feeling, that leads to being paranoid.

I love to talk about random stuff that doesn't make any sense. Who wants to talk about monkeys and dolphins? See what I mean? I talk about things that make me smile and laugh. Even if it makes me sound like a nutcase. My friends know this about me and don't judge me for it. Freedom! I know, freedom is everything to every kid who wants to get out of school. For me, freedom means being able to have a say in what goes on and wanting to be able to express myself without needing permission first. Permanent! Let's think of dolphins for a minute. They are permanent. It's not like they're going anywhere! Hahahaha! I love to write and be weird everyday. It makes me feel alive. Now I'm gonna sing a song. Did you like it? Oh wait, I didn't write down anything. La, la, la , la , ala. Ala? What's that? I don't know. Okay, bye!

Alright, here is what I was trying to write yesterday.
Due to being hungry, and staying later, I had to leave before typing.
Only, the weather had other ideas, and I had to leave.
Now that I'm only here until 4:50, and my schedule is back to normal, I feel good.
So good, that I can write clearly here at this laptop.
I'm in the quiet room here at the library.
I usually sit outside where the other computers are, but not today.
There are far too many people, as all but one computer is free.
And there would be someone on either side of me.
And due to my anxiety, that would be too much for me to handle.
So I am sitting here in the quiet room, where there are a lot of laptops.
Someone just came in, but they are sitting far away from me.
Now, this is good, because it's just me and this other person.
And since it's usually a lot more crowded than this, I'm lucky.
I'm meeting with my therapist and case manager tomorrow.
So luckily, I'll probably get to talk more about stuff.
Get a handle on things going on with my anxiety levels and all.
Other than that, today is going very well.
I'm starting to realize as I write, that this is more of a public diary.
But you know what, I'm cool with that.
I'm not stating anyone's name, or any place names, and I'm only talking about myself, and being cautious of what I say.
Believe it or not, I am being private in a sense.
I'm not telling you what library I'm at, and I'm not telling you about where I go for therapy, or who I'm going to see.
All I'm saying, is that's where I'm gonna be instead tomorrow.
And unlike a week or two ago, I'm not coming here after.
That completely messes with my head, and throws off the whole schedule.
I just have to make sure that I stay here later on Friday, that's all.
And I like that, because I have things to do when I'm here.
Can't really practice Japanese here, unless it's only writing.
And that's okay, because that's what I'm starting with.
When I get the writing down, then I'll hopefully have someone to help me with speaking.
And if we do that here, it will probably be outside, or in the study room.
That's okay with me, because I really want to learn.
But honestly, I like what I'm doing right now.
Like, after I'm done writing this thing right now, I have two separate google docs stories open, and I'll work on them.
I seem to wanna alternate between these two stories lately, so I will.
Who knows, maybe I'll end up working on only one of them.
But for now, this will be fine for me.
Alright, I'm rambling now.
I'm done until Friday.
I'm gonna work on my stories now.
Bye!

Alright, I only have 16 minutes left on this 20 minute guest downstairs library computer, so I need to make this quick.
I completely miscalculated last yesterday when I went on the computers upstairs that run for 120 minutes once you log on.
That's okay, because I knew how to fix the little issue.
I'll use this computer for writing the post and checking my email.
Then, when it comes to my other things, I'll use the upstairs computers that give you 120 minutes one time a day.
That's okay, I'm fine with that.
I am annoyed with my phone however.
Because, I spent the first two or so hours here working on my post on the Pay Per View coming up on Saturday morning on my Tumblr.
And when I went to save the draft, the draft wouldn't save from my phone. So now, the first thing I have to do when I log on upstairs, is completely redo the whole last part of it.
That's alright, because I still got to get all my Japanese writing practice in.
And now, I got to check my mail and get on here.
While I don't love that this schedule has changed almost three times in the last two days, I think this is the end of the schedule changes.
Now, I have 12 more minutes on this guest computer.
So I'm gonna finish up with this post, then get onto my Tumblr.
When the time is up, I'll go outside and eat my lunch, then I'll go upstairs, and my schedule can resume as planned.
Luckily, I shouldn't run into this problem tomorrow, as the schedule I set for myself should be fully set by then.
Alright, that's it for today's post.
I was debating whether to do this now, or do it on my phone.
But I decided that nothing else in my schedule was going to change again, so I decided to do this.
Alright, now I'm done.
I'll be back tomorrow to talk about whatever.
And to whoever reads these random posts and actually likes them.
Thank you so much.
Alright, see you tomorrow, bye!

I hate having to constantly do this, but I have no other choice.
There are things I need to get done, and this is the only way for me to do them.
I’m very serious about my Japanese, my WWE Raw and Smackdown Live Live Reactions, etc.
The etc. is for the reviews on do my Tumblr  before and after WWE Pay Per Views.
Right now, I’m rewatching the latest Pay Per View, so I can get my Tumblr review done.
I’m literally watching it again at a cubby, and writing down everything, to type it later.
You know, type it once I’m done writing everything down.
I’m doing this, because if I type it up while watching at home, I’ll get distracted.
This is just the easiest way for me to do it.
However, that’s taking more time than I thought.
Also, I need to have this done by next Thursday, so I can get my pre WWE Evolution post up.
And tomorrow, I’m going to WWE Live Show in Portland, so I can come here again.
Also, I’m going to work on my Japanese in my room on Sunday, so I’ll have to stop till Monday.
That means, until I get this done, I have to limit what I do w/ my online time here at the library.
So, I have to save some time to go upstairs and practice my Japanese, as that’s important to me.
I’m set on learning this language, and I’m getting good at recognizing different characters.
However, that means I have to stop going on here until I’m done.
I know, many people don’t even read my posts that I do on here, but maybe one person does.
Anyway, I mainly do this for me, because I love to write, and get my thoughts out.
I just can’t do that, at least, not until WWE Evolution is done.
So, I won’t be back on for 20 minutes on Monday.
I probably won’t be back on here until week after next, probably.
However, I’ll have plenty of thoughts in my head when I get back, and I’ll write them all.
Also, I’m writing this on my phone, because someone was using the 20 minute guest one.
So, until I can get back on here.
I’ll see you later, bye!

I've been thinking about this since it happened a few days ago.
There were ways that I could've stopped it.
I could've said that it was me who was thinking those things.
I could've stopped everything from getting so out of control.
Instead, I put myself silently in the middle.
I sat there and watched while someone walked away.
I didn't even walk over to the person when they were only a few feet away.
I regret everything that happened a few days ago and take full responsibility for it.
I didn't mean to start a fight, or make two people made a each other.
And I really didn't mean to just sit there while it was all happening, and keep my mouth shut.
Why did I do that?
Why didn't I say anything?
When she stood up, I should've stopped her.
I had at least five to ten seconds where I could've stopped her.
I could've explained my side and apologized for thinking wrongly.
Or maybe, I could've just said that what she said was because of what I had thought.
But now, everything is a huge mess.
And I'm the person stuck in the middle because I let my stupid anxiety get the best of me.
It's my fault, and I don't deny that.
So what if someone is coming back next year?
So what if she hated my guts for no reason?
Why did I have to start having an anxiety attack and do something like this?
I know some people might think I'm being to ******* myself.
But I could've, no, I should've said something.
I should've stopped her when she stood up.
I should've said that she only thought that because of what I had said.
Now, because of me, I get to be stuck in the middle of a situation.
That I could've prevented by saying something.
And now, I made two people start bringing up more things and that made for a split.
And I don't know what to do.
I can't pick sides, and I won't.
I can't sit with both people at the same time, but I want to.
I just wish that I could go back to that time.
Make things right.
So that way, things could go back to normal.
I love these people so much, and I hate seeing them like this.
Now, I have to face lunch and mornings figuring out where to sit.
One of my friends said that wasn't hard.
Really? It's not?
They might think it's not, but I don't agree.
I hate things the way they are now.
There's so much tension and I keep feeling like I'm gonna let someone down.
Sitting at one table, just once, that's all I ask.
Just one time, so maybe, we can work this out.
I know this situation can be fixed.
I just need to spend some time with everyone.
I don't know if this makes sense, or if this is stupid, or if I just seem like some selfish kid who just wants things back to normal.
But all I know is that I don't know how much longer I can hold this in.
I need to talk to somebody.
I understand everyone else's point of view.
But what about mine?
It's me who started all of this.
I mean, I caused what's happening.
And I think I can fix it, or at least, try to.
So, could I just have one chance?
Please?
I hate seeing how much this hurts everyone.
Even if they don't show it, I know this is hard.
And if we can talk, I'm not picking sides.
I'm gonna call it right down the middle.
Cause there are things that I do and don't agree with from both sides.
Just, please, let me try to both help and fix this.
I feel like I need to.
If not, could someone, please, just talk with me?
I'm sorry about all of this.
Hopefully things will be back to normal soon.
Until then, I'll just have to hope for the best.
And maybe, I'll stop feeling so guilty.

When someone is singing a song and they feel in it their hearts.
Then there are times where they will start to break down and cry.
And then the people watching begin to doubt if it's real or not.
For one thing, why are you judging someone for crying on stage?
How does that seem like a fake put-on or act to see them cry?
That's what I don't understand 'cause it's really not fake or acting.
You're watching a singer pour their heart out on that stage.
And they get so into the song that it makes them break into tears.
And then for like ten seconds to a minute all they do is cry.
They literally either stand, or kneel down, or sit down, and cry.
And it's because that song really means something to them.
They didn't say in their heads, "Hey, I think I wanna cry today!"
Why? Because they didn't wanna cry during that song again.
And there are some singers who will cry when then a song is sung.
There's at least one or two songs that always makes them cry.
Not every singer in the world is like this, but some singers do this.
Some singers really sing from the heart and not the mind.
I mean, I know it takes your mind to get into a certain zone a lot.
But that doesn't mean that they don't think of things.
They can be singing with the crowd and the song will hit a chord.
And then they try so hard to keep it together.
You can literally see them pacing themselves and taking breaths.
Because the last thing they wanna do is cry.
But then, they hit a high note, which takes a lot of energy to do
Which means that they put a lot of feeling in it.
And that can be enough to send them over the edge and it will.
Because they got so into it and hit the note.
They have so much adrenaline that they just start to really cry.
And then I feel for them because they're sad.
Or sometimes they cry because they are just overwhelmed.
Either way, I don't judge or doubt them.
Because they aren't acting to be dramatic or for the song itself.
They are actually feeling it and having thoughts.
Some singers have a connection with songs that make them cry.
They really feel the words that they're saying.
So, when you see a singer break down in any way on stage.
Just give them a break and don't judge.
Because it really takes a lot to break down and then continue.
So just cheer them on and support them.
Crying isn't acting when it comes to singing a song, it's not.
It's emotion that comes from the song.

I’m doing this to keep track of every day.
Each day I come out here, by 3:50PM, is good.
That means I am sticking to my daily routine.
I want to make sure that I have something to do.
Something that lets me know I’m doing good.
So far, Day 1 is going well, with few bumps.
I think this was a very good plan, honestly.
I’m even planning on modifying the plan.
Not with what I do, but how I keep track.
Hello Poetry, lets me know I’ve done my walk.
In my room, I have every day written down.
It’s kept on my wall with tape, but not strong.
The tape keeps wanting to come off.
I hope to get an erase board within the week.
Well, that’s all I really have to say for today.
I can report that I’m still not tired, I like that!
Being awake all day long is amazing, really!
Okay, I’m gonna go, but I’ll be back tomorrow.

I couldn’t do day two, because it was raining.
I couldn’t come out here to my spot, I’m sorry.
I’m out here now, though, and I like that a lot.
This routine is going very well for me, honestly!
I’m very impressed with how well I’m doing.
I think this daily routine is really for the best.
I like being awake, and having a routine!
I’m listening to Kara, a KPop group, right now.
I like listening to music when sitting at my spot.
I enjoy getting this time to myself, to relax.
This daily routine is letting me get back into it.
I’m getting back into doing this I like again.
I’m studying Korean & Japanese again, finally!
I like getting to do this every day, it’s very nice.
I will stick to this, until I get the routine down.
And then, I will be a lot more flexible with it.
If I have to miss a few days, or change stuff.
When I have to do that, it will be okay.
For now, getting used to my routine is good.
I need to do that now, before I do anything else.
I love this so much!
As long as, weather’s good, I’ll be back.
Hopefully, Day 4 will be good, also!
Talk to you tomorrow, bye!

I’m finding it very easy to keep up with this.
I didn’t know it would be this helpful!
I know yesterday was a good day, but still.
I’m just feeling like this is very simple.
I know what to do, and when to do it.
I really feel like I’m waking up after quiet time.
I guess thirty-five minutes of rest is really good!
I also like coming out here, just to sit for a while.
I feel like I’m doing what I really want to do!
I just can’t believe how quickly I’m used to it.
I think this was a really great idea to have.
I love this daily routine thing, to be honest.
I also like doing this check in thing each day.
I don’t know what else to say anymore.
I guess I’ll leave it at that for today.
I’ll be back tomorrow, bye!

I can’t say enough how much I love this!
I love how structured it is, and it really is!
I know, there are gonna be those days.
I know I’ll just have to deal with those days.
I’ll have to remind myself that it’s okay.
I can always make up for lost time the next day.
I haven’t had to do that yet, but I know I will.
I know what I’m doing, and I’m cool with that.
I’m doing my first Friday, and I love that!
I don’t have much else to report today, just that.
I’ll be back tomorrow for Day 5, bye!

I began the daily routine for the weekend today.
I can say that it has gone very well, so far.
I really enjoy doing this, as I keep saying.
I just don’t know what else to say about this.
I can say that I added another walk last night.
I wanted to go to my spot one more time.
I did, and it went very well, aside from flies.
I’m having that little issue again, but it’s fine.
I know that flies come with spring and summer.
I might need to start taking bug spray, maybe.
I think I can deal with it, though.
I can’t think of anything else to say.
I’ll talk again tomorrow, bye!

I did, I went to my spot, going against my plan.
I can also say that I don’t regret it in the less.
I can do what I want, as it's my daily routine.
I make the rules, so I can add new ones as well.
I also made sure to set my alarm for 5:30pm.
I’m watching WWE Money In The Bank tonight.
I’m gonna be watching it with my dad.
I almost forgot to do this entry, actually.
I got caught up in studying my Japanese cards.
I made FlashCards for all the Hiragana words.
I’m going set by set, that’s how my brain works.
I got the first half of the first set of cards done.
I mean, I think I do, and that’s really good!
I’m learning because WWE Asuka is Japanese.
I wanna know what she says, so I’m learning.
I’m a huge fan, as my dad could tell you.
I'm wearing her socks in case she’s on MITB!
I can say that today is going very well, also.
I still love the daily routine, and will keep it.
I’m gonna get back to my Japanese now.
I’ll talk to you again tomorrow afternoon, bye!

I didn’t think I was gonna be able to do this.
I saw when I woke up that it was still raining.
I heard thunder during MITB last night.
I wasn’t sure if my spot would be dry, but it is.
I even brought my rain jacket just to be safe.
I really like being at this spot each day, honestly.
I’m keeping up with the routine, as I should be.
I even started changing into PJs each night!
I started that on day 3 or 4, but forgot to say it.
I might be wide awake now, but I still forget.
I think the forgetfulness is just a part of me.
I accept that, and I fully accept myself, I like me.
I also like this daily routine, and I’m very happy.
I don’t have much more to report besides that.
I’ll talk again tomorrow afternoon, bye!

Dear......,

I'm writing this, because I really need some peace.
Also, because I feel I need to say this to you.
You hurt me.
You knew what you were doing was wrong, and still did it.
The way you worked so hard to gain back my trust.
The way you comforted me during the Homecoming Dance.
I thought you really loved me, that you really cared.
But it turns out I was wrong.
Again.
You left me on the most important day in a relationship.
The 1 year of two people, being together, and being happy.
You turned that day into nothing but sadness.
Showing no love for what that day meant for us, meaning me.
It pains me to know that you used my loneliness as a crutch.
A way to make yourself happy, while giving me false honesty.
And how you said that you still wanted to be my friend.
Why are you acting like I never existed, if I'm still a friend?
Why do you never even attempt to talk to me about it all?
Why can't you just check to see if I'm doing alright now?
Is it that hard for you to admit that you hurt me badly?
So hard that you can't even look at me, and act like I'm here?
Because, I'm still here, it's just that you can't care enough to see.

When people are being loud, but you are not.
When someone is angry, but not at you.
When a voice is raised, but not because of you.
When a teacher gets mad, but not towards you.
When someone is yelling, but not at you.
When there's bumper to bumper traffic, you're fine.
When you want to say something, just say it.
When it comes to all of these things, don't panic.
When none of these things have anything to do with you.
When you have done nothing wrong.
When you are sitting quietly and listening.
When you are just being honest with someone.
When you are seeing a teacher unhappy.
Don't panic.
Most of the time, these actions are not your fault.
If you never speak, then you're really not at fault.
If you are listening and paying attention, you're fine.
Don't panic about things others are doing.
Don't panic when a teacher is mad at other students.
Don't panic when someone is upset at someone else.
Don't panic when people are being loud in class.
Don't panic when you're not doing anything wrong.
Just tell yourself that you are doing what you need to.
Say that you are doing what the teacher wants you to.
You are not the cause of why things are going wrong.
When a teacher says, "Everyone" or "All of you".
They are not literally talking to "All of you".
It's usually just a few people, or one section.
Especially, if they don't look at you when they are mad.
That should tell you that they are not mad at you at all.
When they smile at you when you raise your hand.
When they are willing to hear you say something.
Then it's clear that they were not speaking to you.
When you feel worried about something.
Try not to overthink it.
And most of all.
Don't panic.

This might sound like a thing, but it's absolutely true.
The library is the perfect place to get away from all the noise.
Sure, the front desk can be a noisy spot.
And the computer keyboards might be loud when you use them.
But the private cubbies that always have your back turned.
So you know you will always have your privacy.
You don't have to worry about someone talking to you.
Everyone is here to studying, read, or just get away for a while.
And as I sit here, with 13 minutes of computer time left, I am happy.
I know that when this is over, I would have been here for 3 hours.
Well, not quite, but about 3 hours, I got here around 11.
And once my time is up, I will text my grandmother, and she'll come get me.
I know this, because that's the plan we made when we first did this.
Yesterday, I didn't have a plan for the library.
I just knew that I wanted to come here, if not the animal shelter.
The animal shelter is where I'll be going tomorrow.
But that's a different conversation entirely.
As I was saying, I came into the library at around 12:10 yesterday.
I didn't know what I was planning on doing.
Well, that's not true, I came here to get some Japanese studying done.
I sat down at a cubbie, put in my earphones, and turned on Spotify.
I played through almost a full playlist, and filled out almost two pages.
After that, I decided to put my library card to good use.
I found a few books, started to read one, and decided to check them out.
I wasn't even close to leaving, but I wanted to get it out of the way.
The self-checkout wasn't working, so my anxiety was tested.
I had to go up to the front desk, and talk to someone.
Now, I was very nervous, but the person was very nice to me.
I ended up getting a new library card, then went back to the self-checkout.
The first two books worked, but the other one wouldn't go through.
So I had to confront my fear of people for the second time.
I did, and finally had three books to take back to my cubbie.
I started reading a book on Anxiety, and started making notes.
Then I read my other book, then the last one.
Then I checked my social media, played on some apps on my phone.
Then, it was time to go, and I wrote down the order I had done it.
I went with that order today, but instead of the phone games, I came here.
I now have four minutes left, so I have to get going.
What I'm getting at here, is that I also wrote down this plan today.
And I plan on doing this every other day I come here.
What I'm trying to say, is that I was able to plan out my time here.
And I was able to do it on my terms, and I got things done.
The library is a really useful and friendly place.
Okay, I'm gonna go now.
Two minutes left, I'm gonna sign off.
The library is a nice and quiet place.
Enjoy the time you spend in whatever library you go to.
Okay, bye.

Drag isn't weird if you know and understand what it is on all levels.
Is it dressing like a man or vice versa? Yes.
But that's only part of what drag is and what it means to people.
First, there are many forms of drag used by people around the world.
There are men who dress in drag as women.
There are women who dress as men.
Then there are Bio Queens or Faux Queens.
Which are drag queens who are performing as their biological gender.
Like when a women puts on drag make-up and looks like a girl.
That's because she is a girl.
She'd just doing a different form of drag because she likes doing drag.
By the way, drag queens are people who dress in drag.
This can be done for fun, as a career choice, and for both reasons.
Some people just dress in drag because they like to.
Others do it because they like making people laugh and have fun.
It's acting because you are becoming someone else when in drag.
It's a full body commitment that takes more than a minute to do.
Someone once said that they thought it was weird to see it on TV.
And I can say that weird was my first impression to when I saw it.
But then I started to get into someone (who will remain nameless unless you want me to reveal them. Which I will when you want me to.)
Who got me to see that drag really was a form of art and not silly.
Drag is a serious and comedic  part of the industry that's noticed.
Shows done at Cabaret's and at ( dare I say it) gay bars.
Yes, it's very common that people who like the same *** do drag.
But let me remind you that plenty of straight people do drag.
But there is a misconception that drag is putting on a wig.
And that is far from the truth because it takes a lot of work.
You're constantly experimenting with make-up and outfits.
You have a collection of wigs that you were daily.
And if you are a drag queen professionally, then you work.
And by that, I mean that you work long days in drag.
By the way, when you are in drag you are covering a lot.
You need to wear a bodysuit that fits the gender and uh.
You also need to do something so your, well, you know.
Friend can't be seen, if you aren't a girl that is.
And you need to pin back your hair so the wig stays.
Which people say is very tight so you need to get used to it.
But believe me when I say that drag isn't weird.
It's a form of expression that tends to help people.
Many performers use drag as a escape coat, you know?
A way to get away from pressure and open up more.
It helps them be who they wanna be and say whatever.
When you're in drag playing a character, it's fun.
Because you can say what you want without worrying.
Because it was said by your drag persona, not you.
So when you see drag on TV and don't get it.
Look it up online and do some research before you judge.
Don't say that it's weird and it's not normal.
Because that's an insult to all the people who do drag.
Drag is a community where there are many people.
Thousands of people believe in drag and do drag.
People are in drag right now going to another city.
Going somewhere because they have a performance.
Where they make you laugh and forget for 2 hours.
You can find humor if you don't let it bug you.
Not all of them are innocent in terms of manner.
Some have a very explicit way of thinking & speech.
But that's their style and how they like to be in drag.
Give it a chance before thinking that it's nuts.
Look into some people and see how they really are.
Look up interviews of people out of drag.
Because they tell you how the character was made.
And then you find out that they are normal people.
They just act for a living as sometimes the other gender.

"Everything will be fine, you'll see."
"You don't deserve him."
"He's an idiot for treating you that way."
"Don't let him stop you from being yourself."
"Don't waste your time thinking about him."
"Do things that make you happy."
"Thing about the good times you had with him."
"Everything happens for a reason."

Really?
Is that what I'm supposed to do?
Well, thanks for the advice, but it's not really working for me!
I'm sorry, I know you're all just trying to make me feel better.
I'm just not in the mood to hear those cliches right now.
Every single quote is true, but to me, there's nothing but lies.
I can't think of any moment I spent with him, without seeing lies.
The word "love" should never be used, if you don't mean it.
Besides, all I want is for the pain to just leave me alone now.
I'm tired of having my thoughts go back to him all the time.
It's been two nights since I've seen him in my dreams.
I wish I could say I'm happy about that, but I'm not.
There are so many questions that are still left unanswered.
Even when I talked with him on that day, questions were ignored.
How can I trust someone, who lied to me every single day?
There are times when I think I was just too tired to think that day.
That maybe it never happened, and I'll wake up in my bed, happy.
But I know that thinking these things won't make it true.
I know the truth, and it's that he never loved me, but I loved him.
I still love him, though I wish I could forget he ever existed.
He just sits and reads, as if we were never together at all.
How can he act like nothing ever happened between us?
Does he really feel like this whole past year never happened?
Well, he can think whatever he wants, even if I have to bear it.
I just hope I can move on from this, because it's too painful.

If you watch Psych then you know what I'm talking about.
I've watched that show and love James Roday's character.
Shawn Spencer is my favorite character for many reasons.
He is one of the best observers I've ever seen in this world.
He knows so much, and yet, so little at the same exact time.
He gets confused about the most simple little things in life.
And yet, he knows some much that it helps him in his cases.
He fakes having visions so he doesn't have to have jail time.
But he ends up using his observation skills to work for them.
He works for the Santa Barbara Police Department on Psych.
He does this thing where he puts a hand or both to his head.
And then he has a vision, which is really him remembering.
He takes things that he remembers or clues and uses them.
He gets by pretty well and sometimes gets into some trouble.
But he always gets cases solved because he really loves this.
He cares about the cases and loves using this "gift" of his.
He calls it a gift and is shown to be very, very proud of it.
He gets upset in one episode when he can't use it at all.
Because he didn't remember anything that happened the night before.
He starts venting about how he isn't having any visions.
But he says that he's not giving up because he knows he can't.
He really cares about these visions of him and uses them a lot.
I watch this show because I've liked it from the beginning.
Shawn always makes me laugh and is also very smart.
I love watching him act like he's possessed because it's funny.
He never fails to make me laugh and pay attention to the case.
If you like this show please tell me because I would love to know.

I don't know if there is a right way to describe how I feel.
I know that I am starting to fall for him again.
And I know that I agreed to get back together with him.
And it's not that I regret doing that, I don't.
It's just that things ended before, and I was heartbroken.
I just don't want to feel that pain ever again.
And I know that I'm the most happy when I'm with him.
So what am I so worried and nervous about?
All I wanna do is hold his hand and spend time with him.
All the time that I can possibly get with him.
And I do hold his hand when I want to.
And he never hesitates to grab it since he wants mine too.
And sometimes I think about kissing him.
But I feel like it's far too soon for that, at least, right now.
I'm not even ready to say I'm in love yet.
And he's so sweet that he's letting me take my slow time.
He's not rushing me and respects me.
And he's already thinking about Senior Prom next year.
Maybe I just need to relax and breath.
Spend time with him and focus on how it feels to do that.
There's nothing to be worried about.
Not if I'm really happy, and I really am very happy now.
I guess I just need to relief some stress.
Maybe listening to some Taylor Swift will cheer me up :)

I feel like I can't get myself back to my normal state.
I come so close, and then get dragged back down.
I'm trying to fight, but I'm losing the battle.
It pulls at me relentlessly, and I can't stop it.
I try to do things that I want to do, but have to rest.
My energy keeps seeping away, after I start to use it.
I love to sing, but it tires me out so easily as of late.
I need to go to school, but it keeps sending me home.
I want to be with my boyfriend, but keep needing to rest.
I'm trying so hard to get back to normal, but I can't.
Why is it so hard to be awake and able to concentrate?
Why do I have to keep going back and forth all the time?
Why do I need to repeat myself to doctors and teachers?
I've been going through this for about three weeks now!
I don't mean to yell, but I just want it to go away.
I need to work on English, but I'm starting to shut down.
I hate feeling like I don't have the energy to get stuff done.
It feels like I may never be able to escape from this Anemia.
Even though, it may be a chronic illness, I still need relief.
All I ask for is some time to feel like my normal self again.
I just want to be able to sing, practice Korean, and do school.
I want to go back to my music lessons, and full school days.
I hate having to confine myself to half days because of this.
It's taking so much effort not to ask to go to the hospital.
I don't know what good that would do, but I hate this.
I just want to know why I keep feeling this way all the time.
I need to find a way out of this fog, and back into normalcy.
Sorry for ranting, but I just needed to get everything out.
It makes me feel better, but now I'm feeling tired once again.
I guess it's time for me to stop and rest for a little while.
But I need to get going with my English work before I can.
This is going to be another rough day, and I need to push.
I'll go now, but before I do, I just have one more thing to say.
If anyone else feels the way I do right now, you're not alone.
I don't know when, but things will change for the better.
And when it does, it will make you feel so much better :)

I didn’t think I would get to say this so soon.
I was ready to start getting my life back.
I was gonna slowly start doing stuff each week.
I was gonna start going back to my routines.
I didn’t know last week’s therapy would help.
I didn’t know it would solve this riddle of mine.
I found out what had caused me to be so tired.
I thought it was due to some physical thing.
I thought I would need more tests to be done.
I was gonna ask my doctor to do more tests.
I even said this to my therapist last Thursday.
I said this a few minutes before I got an answer.
I need to switch up these sentences to say this.
What I learned was something I didn’t expect.
The topic had switched to something different.
It has to do with something I haven’t said here.
I’ll make a different post about that a bit later.
For now, I’ll just say that this other thing, is it.
It’s the reason for my constant exhaustion.
Since we found out, I haven’t been tired!
I’ve been able to stay fully awake and alert!
My voice went back to its usual sound.
I spent the last week being cautious, to be sure.
But nothing has changed, and I can’t believe it!
I’m finally free from the exhaustion that had me!
This feels so amazing, and I love it so much!
I just felt the need to write this, as I sat at here.
I’m sitting at one of my outdoor spots today.
I’ll explain what happened in a later post.
For now, just know I intend on coming back.
And, when it comes to the tiredness, I won!

Been in school again after two months, how is it?
Well, you think you know where everything is.
The truth is, you don't have the slightest clue.
You end up quickly walking through the halls.
Trying so hard to find each of your classes.
Some you remember right away, some you don't.
Some schools have a ten minute break, like mine.
Which makes it a bit easier for everyone.
Without it, this would have been even worse.
No matter how long you've been at school.
You will still get lost when looking for classes.
This is just a common thing that's gonna happen.
Why? Because it's just inevitable during week 1.
Don't get discouraged, it will get easier, in time.
Until then, make sure to bring your schedule.
Because if you don't, you rely on your memory.
And that's not always reliable all the time.
I learned that the hard way recently, it's tiring.

Why are some guys under the impression that being sad means they're weak?
Why do they think that having emotions is wrong and that they shouldn't?
Am I the only one who thinks that it's good for guys to have emotions?
Because I doubt that I'm the only one who thinks like this.
And if I am, then that's fine because this is just my honest opinion.
But I think that guys should stop thinking that being sad means being weak.
It doesn't mean that you're weak, it means that you're feeling sad!
I'm writing this for the guys who feel like.
And for the girls who have that misconception of sadness means weakness.
It's true that girls are more sensitive in the sense that we get sad easily.
I'm not denying this because I get that way over stuff from time to time.
But you need to know that it's okay for guys to be this way to.
I was watching something where a guy liked watching Zach Efron.
And then he mentioned that his movies made him cry.
And the girl he was talking to thought that him crying was not good.
Or at least, it didn't seem like a normal thing to her.
She said it was because she didn't wanna have to comfort him.
Well, she thought it was weird that she would have to do that.
And when she was talking I was thinking that she wasn't being nice.
I mean, she was putting the guy down for crying over a movie.
Why make the guy feel bad about himself for having feelings?
He's a guy who was into the movie and started to cry.
That doesn't mean that he won't be there for you and comfort you.
If you start crying I promise that he will do what he can to calm you.
He won't just leave you sitting there and walk away.
So why can't you do the same thing for him if he cried?
This is just how I feel about guys expressing their emotions.
I just feel like they should be able to do so without being judged.
So if you agree with me, thank you.
If you don't agree with me, then thank you for reading anyway.
Just the fact that you took the time to read this is good enough.
So, when you see a guy crying or feeling sad about something.
Don't confront him and tell him that he's being weak.
Or that he's being a coward by not being strong.
Because he's obviously not happy for a reason.
So just respect that he's upset and be nice to him.
Either walk by and just look to see if he looks back.
Or walk over to him and ask him if he's alright.
Maybe ask if a hug would make him feel better.
Even if you're a guy you can still offer a hug.
It won't make you weak in any way either.
It'll just mean that you're being friendly to him.
So remember this when you see a guy upset.
They aren't being weak, not being a coward.
They're just upset and feel the need to cry.

It's hard to keep up with this feeling.
I still don't like to get up in the morning.
Not due to being tired, but being sad.
I may not see it in my dreams, but I see it.
There are reminders of him everywhere.
I can't make myself stop thinking of him.
And I can't deny that I still love him.
I may say that I can, but I can't.
I know what he did was wrong.
And I know that I can't forgive him easily.
I wish this whole year had be truthful.
I wish I could be happy when I think of it.
But all I can see now, are all the lies.
Making myself be open with him again.
No matter how hard I try, it still hurts.
Am I happy right now?
Can I say that I can be happy all day?
No, unfortunately, I can't say I am.
I'm depressed, and only happy off and on.
I'll be happy, when there's no question.
When I don't have to ask myself if I am.

This was a hard few days filled with sadness and sometimes frustration.
I was on the defensive when I thought that I was being rudely attacked.
When all it was, was anger over something that had made you so upset.
I guess I wasn't used to having to be careful with my words & thoughts.
Well, let's forget about anything that was ever said between you and I.
I just feel happy that I can finally be fully happy because you now are.
Which means that we can both be happy together and do things now.
I was trying to help and it made me think of where we both are now.
Just thinking of the time that I've wasting not asking for permission.
I can't waste any more time that we both have together, I know that.
Babe, it's you and me, now more than it ever has been before really ever.
I want you to know that I will try to be the best for both you and me.
Wow, I've never written anything like this before now, so I'll stop now.
I guess I'm just trying to say that I'm happy and will be forever more.

It's been a lot time,
since I've been on here.
Things have changed,
and school is now over.
Graduation came and went,
now I get to stay at home.
I haven't been on here,
in a very long time.
I don't know if anyone sees me,
or even cares when I write on here.
But I love to write,
have since I can remember.
So I will do my best,
to keep sharing my feels on here.
Where I can do so privately,
without revealing personal info.
Hello again, everyone on here.

This was a night that ended far too soon.
One minute we're dancing, the next we're leaving.
This was one of the best nights I've had.
I don't even care that I had dizzy spells and anxiety.
Because I had a very special man who helped me.
This was a night to dance with my man.
Who would dance in his own funny way and smile.
I just laughed every time he started dancing.
And I found myself dancing almost the whole time.
This night was filled with fun and laughter.
And when it was over, I really wanted to stay there.
I just didn't want the night to be over at all.
Dancing, drinking sobes, and being with this man.
This was what I wanted to do the whole night.
It was an amazing night that I will never forget.
And it was the highlight of my Senior Year.
I can't wait to see what the rest of the year brings.
Until then, I will just savor last night always.
Never forgetting the joy of dancing with my boyfriend.

There are times when I wished that I never opened my mouth.
I'm so tired of people getting aggravated with me for talking.
When I'm told that I should be able to say whatever I like.
Sometimes I feel like I can't win, like I can never ever win.
And I hate feeling like this every time I open my mouth and speak.
I wish I would stop feeling this way, but the thing is, I can't.
Hopefully one day I'll get over it, I really hope I do.
Because I hate always feeling that way when I say something.

I'm very excited for what's to come when I leave here at five or so.
The mobile home that I have been waiting for the last two or so months to see, is finally here, and move in able.
Well, we can't move in yet, because we still have to paint the rooms and stuff, but we have the key, and it's officially ours now!
I said I was gonna talk about this when I came back in from my walk, and here I am, talking about it.
I just can't believe we've finally gotten to this day.
And by next week, we should be moved into the mobile home, our new home.
I actually can't wait for this moment to finally come.
I keep picturing what it must look like in my head, but I have to see it for myself.
My mom and I have big rooms, that's all I know.
I just can't wait to take a good and long look at it.
Walking through the home, knowing I'll be in it sometime next week, is gonna be an interesting feeling.
My mom has this thing where she likes to scare me, but hasn't been able to very much, due to me staying upstairs in the condo we're at.
So, I'm sure she's gonna have an awful lot of fun with me when we get all moved and settled in.
We made a decision this time, and that's that, we're gonna be a whole lot more leniant when we move.
Unlike, when we moved into the condo, we're not moving in until all our stuff that we packed is there.
That way, once we're there, we're there to stay.
And the only thing anyone's gonna need to do, is clean around the condo, which shouldn't take too long.
Also, that makes it a whole lot easier on our cat.
If everything that we packed from our old house is already there, then he won't get scared by us bringing in boxes all day long.
For me, this makes it less stressful, because I know I'll have everything in my room by the time I get in there.
I'll do it the way I did at the old house, only, when everything's there, that's where it'll stay, and I'm okay with that.
I'm so excited, I think I may have said that a few times already, but I am.
Just knowing that we're getting out of the condo soon, is something I didn't think I was gonna hear for a while.
And today, I get to pick out the colors for my bedroom walls.
For me, that means picking which shade of pink and which shade of purple I want.
Seriously, this makes me so excited, I actually can't wait for 5:00 to get here so I can go.
I'm just so excited!
I'm almost as excited for this, as I am to see WWE Live on the 20th of this month.
I was gonna say I was more excited, but if I'm being honest, I would be lying.
This makes me only half as excited, but still extremely excited.
My nerves are worked up now, because I really wanna see how much room looks.
I might leave before the 120 minutes are up.
And, while that usually makes me feel uneasy, it doesn't this time.
This time, for one day only, I can make an exception.
Alright, that's literally all I have to say.
If I say anything else, I'll just start rambling, and that will get annoying.
In fact, I think I've already started to ramble now, and to anyone who reads these posts of mine, I'm sorry about that.
Alright, I'll see you tomorrow, bye!

I can't get away from him today, no matter how hard I try.
Everywhere I go, he seems to be in the same place.
I go to a different area, and he suddenly appears.
I wish I was just imagining it, but he's really there.
As in; the hall, the library, the cafeteria, I can't escape him.
It seems like I can't feel better, without him appearing again.
I hate not wanting to see him, but it just hurts too much.
When I look at him, I don't see the same guy I loved.
All I see is someone who hurt, used, and betrayed my trust.
I wish I could stop worrying about him, but I can't.
And seeing him just makes me feel worse about everything.
All I know is, it's hard trying to forget about him.
Because I can't pretend that he's not here.
I keep seeing him everywhere.

I don't know how anyone would feel about this.
I bet they would stop reading me if I do this.
But this is one of the things that I really love.
And I'd be able to write about it for hours.
So if you are a wrestling fan, then keep reading.
If you're not, the you might wanna stop.

Alright, if you are still reading this, thank you.
Now I can get started and tell you what I know.
I know what a bunch of the moves are called.
And I can tell you who my favorite wrestlers are.
I can even tell you what my favorite storylines are.
I have a variety of wrestlers that I like to watch.
There are some that I don't, but I like the music.
You know, the music they use when they come out.
Anyway, the wrestlers that I like to watch are:
Jeff Hardy, Shawn Michaels, Triple H, John Cena,
The Bella Twins, Kelly Kelly, Mickey James, AJ Lee,
The Rock, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Santino Marella,
Trish Stratus, and Brie Bella (on her own).
I love these wrestlers for a lot of reasons.
And if you want, I'll make a separate thing for each.
Just like this if you want me to, and I will.
Anyway, the wrestlers that I like the music to are:
Randy Orton, Edge, RVD, Christian, Eve Torres,
Brie Bella, Trish Stratus, The Rock, Jeff Hardy,
Kelly Kelly, Shawn Michaels,  and Mickie James.
Alright. the names are practically the same.
But that's because the music is very catchy.
My favorite storylines are the following:
Shawn Michaels and JBL (late 08 - early 09)
Brie and Nikki Bella (Happening right now)
Jeff and Matt Hardy (2009)
Shawn Michaels and Chris Jericho (2008)
Triple H and Randy Orton (Mid 2009)
The Rock and CM Punk (2012)
Jeff Hardy and CM Punk (2010)
And I'm sure that there are more.
I just can't recall them at the moment.
But I think that this will do for now.
I hope you liked this.
Please give it a like you want me to get
into more detail about the wrestlers.
And if you want me to get into more
detail about the storylines.

On Saturday October 20th, there's a WWE Live Show in Portland, and I can't wait to go and see it.
There are some many things I'm excited about for Saturday, but due to the internet on this guest computer being slow, I have to hurry.
The normal 20 minutes has turned into 11 minutes as of now, so I need to get these thoughts out a bit more quickly than usually.
Alright, let me start with this is the second WWE Live Show I've been two in the last year.
The last one I went to, was only in July, only two and a half or so months ago.
And that show was so much fun, that my PaPou K said for me to tell him when WWE came back to Maine, and I did.
I didn't think we would be able to go to this show, as we were still living in the condo, and were waiting for our mobile home to come.
However, my Mom told me to come downstairs a couple mornings later, and I had no idea what she wanted.
She told me something about my money, and I didn't really care, because I thought the money was gonna go to our mobile home.
She asked me if I wanted to know the reason, and I said sure, then she told me the news.
PaPou K had bought us two front row seats to the show!
I talked to him about it later, and he said he got us seats 1 and 2 in the aisle!
As soon as, Mom told me this, I knew that meant I was gonna be able to touch hands with wrestlers, and see them up close.
The thought of doing this filled me with so much excitement.
I only have 5 more minutes, so I have to make this quick.
Let's fast forward to yesterday, when I found out more about this Saturday.
PaPou K had actually purchased the Walk The Aisle VIP Experience!
Now, I don't know exactly what this all means, though I've read the confirmation email.
Due to needing details and directions, I think I may be a little confused until Saturday, but I still can't wait.
I mean, the things this comes with!
I just don't really understand what the Walk The Aisle ringside photo Opportunity is, exactly.
All I know is after that, someone will direct PaPou K and I to our seats.
(PaPou is grandfather in Greek, by the way. And the K stands for our last name. Just in case, anyone got confused by that lol)
Alright, all I can say is I'm very excited, and I can't wait for Saturday to get here.
I gotta get off, and I'm sure I only got a minute or so left.
I just wanted to get this all out here, so I was able to think of other things.
I'm just estatic, and can't for to get there for 5:30 on Saturday afternoon.
Alright, I gotta go now.
I'll see you tomorrow, bye!

It's been a year since you left
and I still miss you a lot.
I'll always miss how much
fun we had together.
I'll miss you forgetting me
my name since I look like mom.
How you would have cartoons
playing in your room.
I know that it was due to your
memory problem.
But it was still good 'cause it
let me know that it wasn't a bad thing.
But I'll never say on here what I watch
when I'm in my room.
That's for my family to know.
But I will say that you watched some
cartoons that I've loved since I was 5.
Thanks for filling me with happy
memories and funny moments.
For saying things that made me both
confused and laugh at the same time.
Thanks for always being supportive
of me and my choices.
Thanks for doing what you were
supposed to when I asked you too.
Thanks for being there when I hurt
my knee.
Even though, there was nothing
that Obama could've done to help lol
Thanks for asking me to sing outside
your door and telling me that it was
wonderful.
And, you're right, Oma.
I'll never know how wonderful it was.
I never think that I have a good voice or
think that I can sing.
But it's nice to know that you loved me
and my voice.
Sorry I sang it in the hallway but my
shyness got the best of me.
But thanks for being patient and
listening to my songs.
You were a real inspiration to me and
I loved every second I got to spend w/ you.
Whenever I sing and listen to Miley Cyrus'
song, "I Miss You" I think of you.
I just wanted you to know how much I miss
and love you.
And I know that I'll be able to see you when
the time comes.
But until then, please keep watching me
from up above.
And I've never said this to anyone before.
But, I consider you and PaPou to be my
guardian angels.
I miss you and love you everyday.

Your great granddaughter,
Tash or (atleast once a day)
Manda <3 :)

RIP Oma

I know there are people who want to hang out.
People who would be willing to come to me.
I'm just not in the place where I can handle that.
Someone might ask why I don't hang out.
Why I don't go places I really want to go to.
Why I miss out on things I would like to be part of.
There's only one reason I can think of.
I'm not ready yet.

I'm not ready for someone to come over and hang out.
I'm not ready to make plans to see someone outside my house.
I'm not ready to just go somewhere and have a good time.
The thought of that fills me with anxiety, and I can't say why.
I don't fully understand my anxiety yet, that's why I have therapy.
That's why I have a case worker talking with me.
I wish I had full independence, but I'm just not there yet.
And the reason for that is just one four word sentence.
I'm not ready yet.

I can't tell you when I'm gonna be better.
I can't tell you when I'm not gonna be tired all the time.
I can't tell you when I'm gonna have my anxiety under control.
I can't tell you when I'll be ready to hang out.
I can't tell you when I'll be ready to have someone come to me.
I can't tell you anything, because I don't have the answers yet.
And people might not understand that, but it's the truth.
All I can do, is what I've been doing for the last few years.
I keep going to therapy, I keep having a case worker.
I keep resting, I keep doing music with Neil, I keep walking.
I keep learning Korean, I keep learning Japanese.
I keep watching wrestling, I keep singing, I keep writing.
I keep doing the things I know how to do.
But I don't do the things that fill me with anxiety for one reason.
I'm not ready yet.

But don't worry about me, because I'm gonna be fine.
I have a support system, and people who understand me.
I know my true friends will wait for me to be ready.
Don't ask me to hang out, because it makes me anxious.
It's not that I don't want to, it's just because I can't handle it yet.
But when I'm ready to do something like invite someone over.
Trust me, it will be a major moment for me.
Because that will mean I'm ready to take that step.
Ready to do something without thinking about it.
And while I'm not there yet, I think about it all the time.
But there are other things that have to come first.
Just remember that it's not that I don't want to socialize.
It's not that I don't want to be someone who goes out.
It's not that I don't want to have complete independence.
It's not that I want to spend my life alone in my room.
It's just the one reason I keep giving in this long thing of mine.
I'm not ready yet.

Just know that if you want to talk to me, and I know you, you can.
I may not be ready to hang out physically.
And I may be uncomfortable with phone calls.
You can always text me, or message me on Facebook.
I'm always logged in, even if I'm not on, so just message me.
I may not message first, because that's just how I am now.
But if you know me, and want to keep in contact with me.
All you have to do, is message me, and I will answer.
And the moment I'm ready to hang out somewhere.
Or ready to have you come to me.
Then I promise you, I will tell you.
Just remember to be patient.
And that this is annoying for me to, because I have to deal with it.
But with the help of doing what I know, and being with family.
With going to my music sessions and having therapy.
With doing the things I like and am comfortable with.
There will come a day in the future when I'll finally be able to say.
I'm ready now.

Until then, just know that I am always here.
Message me if you want to keep in touch.
If I know you, then you know, I can be a chatter box.
And I will let you know when I can hang out without anxiety.
I'm not ready yet...
But one day...
I will be.

I'm over it.
I'm over feeling the need to ignore you all the time.
I'm over you acting as if we were never together.
I'm over feel like I need to avoid you all the time.
I'm over thinking about our relationship every day.
I'm over missing you and me being a couple.
I'm over wishing what happened was a dream.
I'm over you acting like I never existed all the time.
I'm over wishing that I could just be with you again.
I'm over wanting to text you every day when I'm home.
I'm over all of it.
But my heart might never be over it.

Is it normal to still be thinking about him?
I mean, it's clear that he's over it.
Or at least, he might be.
Is it normal for me to still like him.
Even though he hurt me.
Because he did, hurt me.
I wanna be mad at him.
But I don't think I can anymore.
I mean, he really is a nice guy.
So, is it normal for to still like him?
Actually, no.
Is it normal for me to still love him?
Because I think I still do.
There's not a doubt in my mind.
That if he asked me to make up.
I would say yes.
Is it normal to feel this way?
Since he was my first boyfriend.
I really don't know what's normal.
All I know is that I've never felt like this.
So I really need someone to let me know.
When it comes to how I feel about him.
Is it normal?

How many people have a mom that's not like other moms?
She's strict to a certain extent and does have some rules.
But she's also weird, funny, nuts, and a lot of fun.
This is how I would describe my mom.
She's not at all like a who lot of other moms.
She is a nut who makes me laugh and sometimes confused.
She has a love for monkeys and has a lot of stuffed ones.
Which she makes me name a lot (I'm not lying about this).
She loves Boston and would go to visit every day if she could.
She also has this thing where like most parents,
asks me about my day when I get home.
But she does it a little differently than other parents.
She yells my nickname (that I won't say because it's a little odd).
Until I finally go to her room after doing a couple things first.
Then she will ask me about my day and will want a full recap.
And by full I mean the WHOLE day from 1/2-3:30.
She decided this Monday that she wanted to know everything.
So now I have to go through the whole day and she likes that.
Me, on the other hand, liked it when I just said that my day was good.
But it's the fact that I have to say over and over what I did.
She even asks what I do here in the library.
Which is always hanging out on the computer.
But she'll still ask me what I did even though I say the same thing.
So now when I get home I'll have to do a whole recap again.
"It'll be our new routine." Is what she said on Monday.
She even made me pinkie swear that I would do it lol
Do people even do those anymore?
Well, my family does and it actually works.
On that note, time to prepare myself for the new routine.
Wish me luck!