I moved my bed
To the other side of my room
To help my sleep,
To help me feel
Like that wasn’t where
I was violated.
You would think that in the months
That followed
After I truly understood
What he had done to me,
I would’ve run from the bed
It happened in.
But no.
I spent most of my time there.
I quit my job,
And slipped in and out of sleep
All day, every day.
I shut down.
I spent almost all of my time
In bed,
Letting my life
Pass me by,
Because I couldn’t stand
Participating anymore.
That corner of my room
Across from where I sleep
Still haunts me.
Thinking of what happened there,
Talking
About what happened there,
Makes me want to
Burn the sheets,
And peel off my skin,
Rip off the face he kissed,
And staple my legs closed.
So that no one,
No one,
Can ever do that to me again.
Thinking about what
He did to me
Makes me feel like I have to throw up,
And perhaps that would exile
The fear in my belly,
And banish the memories.
When I was a girl,
I tried very hard
To fill this room up
With love for myself,
I painting the walls
With kind words,
I tried to turn it into
A sanctuary.
He tore down the walls
Of my boundaries,
My privacy,
My safety,
And my dignity.
He stole it from me.
I spent over a year rebuilding
And taking it back,
I was doing fine.
I want you to understand,
I was doing fine.
I bought new sheets,
And new underwear,
I moved my bed,
I got new clothes,
I got new medication,
And a new job,
And someone who loves me.
I was doing ******* fine.
And now it’s all crashing down again.
It’s fresh
All over again.
It hurts all over again,
And hurt isn’t a strong enough word.
I want you to understand
How horrible this is for me,
But I know you won’t.
And she didn’t.
All of that, all of the reopening, all of the **** pain, and she couldn’t even listen.