that feeling in your chest
in your legs, in your  neck.
the tingle in your toes
in your fingers, in your soul.
in and out, in and out
one, two , three
in and out, in and out
calm down
in and out, in and out
faster now
in and out, in and out
in and out, in and out
SCREAM

i was diagnosed-
a disease of the mind
a senseless surreal sensation
sent my way
by what?
GOD?
BIOLOGY?
FATE?
i sometimes bite my tongue
till it bleeds
the taste like copper in the sun
i sometimes curse my brain
for lying to me
it laughs
HAHAHA

i've been told so many
different theories-
so which do i believe?
i feel crazy
am i crazy
no i can't be
but i might be
HAHAHA

my perfect preacher
in a starched-white shirt
tells me it's GOD
i need to believe
follow his ways and you will succeed
my pill pushing psychiatrist
in his jet black suit and tie
tells me it's BIOLOGY
study and you will succeed
the free spirits
say it's fate
be loose and you will succeed
but which one is right?
i laugh at myself
HAHAHA

this is all too hard
i guess i'll give up
my twinkling tears
will never stop.

You be the holder
i'll be the candle to light your way
but don't be shocked when my light leads you to ruin
don't be surprised when i flicker
don't cry when i die down and can't shine anymore
you picked a candle not a flashlight

a solitary room
a lonely desert
a vast ocean
a deep hole

lost connection with the world
you tied me down to not see anyone
my heart surrenders to my captor
which so happens to be depression

A hole in my chest
bigger than my heart
blow right through me
i'm empty
nothing to see
wind breezes through
whistling a tune
look right through me
i'm empty
nothing to see

Flashed across the dark veil of night
He lit up the sky like my God
but only for a brief second
then he was gone

I roared my thunder
and he responded in bright epiphany
how i wish he would stay to light up my sky
but he's too afraid to stick around and
be consumed by my roar

I'll wait for him in my storm

Hold someone close
cherish the sun setting
smile for yourself
laugh because you feel like it
cry when necessary
love unconditionally
I hope I live

hey
hey you
i know you're in pain
why not let it all go?
you can do it
you know you can
it's right there
just grab it
just do it
the knives
they're right there
just do it
just do it
just do it
just do it

I write for the hurt kid in me,
the one that cowers from the world
I write so maybe she'll hurt less
so maybe she'll share more with me
so maybe I'll feel a bit better.

The purpose of life
I can't say i'm sure.
Most days i'm too tired
too tired to sleep
if you know what i mean
and the ocean keeps calling
the ocean of sweet demise
my knockout is certain
but only in time
so hard to keep going each day
but i do
so that one day
i'll make it okay for you

I see it in your eyes
the fire of your life
and how it excites mine
my heart dances wildly at the flame
as for this longing, the fire is is to blame.
my little fire,
do you want my heart?
or do you wish me to burn under your blaze?
the only thing that will comfort is your gaze
you're all i want and its clear
you're my little fire, dear

close your eyes and breathe in the haze
live for the now and love the days
you missed
you, Ms.
let your ears soak up the sound
a beautiful tirade of noise
spins you right round
and get lost in the notes

we call love
something pure
but what if
your love
hurts me instead

tear me up
slice me open
bleed me out
impale my flesh
squeeze out my eyes
it would be better than lies
I tell myself

secretive and sweet
your eyes are pIeRcInG
slow movements
sensual looks
you know my all
and i know yours

unveiled and vulnerable
your smell is iNtOxIcAtInG
slow movements
sensual looks
you know my all

passionate and rough
your body is eNtWiNeD
quick movements
hungry looks
you know my all
and i know yours

So when they ask "Are you okay?"
reply in honesty
because half the time i wasn't okay
because half the time i lied
because half the time i would hide
all my feelings as if they would
just go away.
like toxins in the comforting breeze
but i was wrong
just like the times
i hoped for change without changing

And when he told me the bitter reality
and after i cried
and after i screamed
and after i fell
i didn't move on
my bones cried out in agony
and my heart mourned
but i couldn't move on.
Don't get me wrong i say
my life was a mess before then
but who can say how they felt as a babe?

So i try to recall the more it
slips further
i can't imagine being too distraught
but looking back makes me teary
why?
i barely knew her, both of them
actually, factually i knew both for
four years
Am i supposed to be sad?
mad?
my thoughts are muddled in the
cesspit of disparity

But look at ME!
look now and don't be fooled
it's true i took a beating
black and blue
but I'm here- alive
by luck, sure but see
i don't count that as me
i'm much more than words can describe

stuck in infinity
i'm a beaten dog.
call it animal abuse.
i'm injured yet forced
to chase the stick.
following my tail in circles.
i never learn.
a stubborn animal.
unworthy of the bone.
constantly following my master.
doing exactly as told.
but still facing the scold.
never perfect like the goldie.
i'm a mutt in a place for champions.
a disgrace to the hierarchy.
yet i'm forced to keep trying
Please, just put me down.
Let me rest.

A Motherless child,
one who cries in the night.
A God-fearing, child rearing Father,
one who tries with all his might.
Two younger, unlike each other.
Vying for the attention, Father.
Crying for the Mother, Father.
Trying to tend the younger, Father.
Flood the house now, save it for later,
Dear Daughter.

I dare you
Balance my words on the tip of your tongue
Ill show you how hard it is to talk
when youre numb
Ive been holding these words for the past how many years
These words will stab you and bring you to tears
Ive been through and seen things that would make your skin crawl
My words, they hold violence not a sweet thing at all
So i dare you to balance my words on your tongue
Now you will see what you will become

Breathe in the exhale of the trees
surround yourself with nature
and hum along with the bees.

Run parallel to the stream
wade into the water
and get lost in a dream.

Lie gently in the grass
feel it tickle your face
and break away from the past.

Dig your toes in the sand
let it cover your feet
and don't listen to demands.

Climb up the face of rock
lean into the wind
and choose not to read a clock.


You were born for this, and it will never be taken from you.

A new life ahead of me
working so hard
i'm scared i'll be
pushed down, strung out,
wrecked up, all again.

A shiny new chance for me
trying all anew
worried now i'll see
turmoil, destruction,
death, all again.

A new life ahead of me
working so hard I know I'll be
strong, confident,
successful, all new.

A shiny new chance for me
trying all anew
happy now I'll see
success, beauty,
life, all new.

It's cold out
but he's so warm
ands inside holds a storm
emotions and thoughts
ecstasy in the lot
but she's lonely
self esteem an all time low
she tells him to go slow
or else she may break
tears turned to a lake
caught in the act
said she has no tact
stuck in the dull and grey
eating Rockford eggs

empty halls and
lifted feelings
drugs aren't enough
and always too little
and sadness creeps in
almost always too quick
before you know- you're on the ground
crying loud as hell but not a sound
What's the matter?
What's wrong?
songs from little birds
and you cry
and cry
and cry.

There's a hole in my sock
and it reminds me of well - me.

Sometimes
I wonder if life is worth living
I hurt myself to see how much i can take
I stop breathing
I cry until i can't anymore
I attempt suicide

A candle burnt to wick
seeing makes me sick
the clock goes tick tick
a cut,scrape or nick
and i'm back to square one.

i try, try again
but darkness is my friend
the time i had to lend
but i'm nearing to the end
and i'm back to square one.