You gave your heart and soul to me
You fought for me
You know me better than anyone else
And yet I still turned away.

He stood there waiting with nothing but an I love you and off I went...

Hurting you worse than I ever have before.

My birthday passed again
to you as if it were just another day.
An estranged lover forgotten.

Love is like a ribbon.
In order to make a bow you have to have the other side there too.

You have no idea how badly I just want to stop,
Stop everything.
Today is one those says that I honestly feel like everything would be ok,
If I was to just stop.
Stop walking,
Talking,
Breathing,
Beating,
Living.
I'm thankful for my life,
But I feel like I don't deserve it.
I've never felt like I deserve it.
But I was given it,
And I cant give it back,
There's no receipt.
So I'm stuck.
I'm like an annoying teenager on the phone,
Who keeps saying bye,
But never hangs up.
Well I'm still taking up the line.
Bye...
Bye...
Bye...
**** it,
I'm not going anywhere am I?

You don't like me?
So you shove me up against the lockers,
You push me down the stairs,
Or you trip me in the halls?
You try to beat the gay out of me.
Its not working.
I don't like me either.
I've tried the same...
Just not with fists...

I don’t want to be sober.
I don’t want to have to be sober.
But I want to be healthy and if I can’t control my drinking then I need help.
Self control has never been what I’m best at.
I want to go out to the bars with my friends and enjoy alcohol that way.
Not drink myself into the next dimension at 1am so that I don’t **** myself.
I want to tell my parents.
But I can’t stand the thought of adding another reason for them to be disappointed in me.
I’m not ready for the accountability and pressure of someone breathing down my neck.
I don’t want to be sober.
I just want to be normal.

I am so tired.
I wake up every day more exhausted than the last.
I’m tired of fighting my body,
Through a war I know I cannot win.
I feel like I’m constantly fighting gravity just to stand on my own two feet.
I don’t trust myself when I’m alone,
And I only feel alive when I’m with you,
So please don’t get mad if I hug you a little bit longer,
Or ask to hold your hand,
Because I am so tired
And you are what I’m fighting for.

Enough is enough
I've been around the block one too many times
I shouldn't have came back this time
But for some reason
Here I stand
I'd **** myself
But I'd just come back all over again
I have a pattern of death
Dying at 18
A girl of 17 shouldn't fell older than the woman of 68 sitting beside of her
How many times do I have to come back
Why this time thrown in a batch of strangers
I screamed for 3 months after I was born because I knew this was wrong
In a loop of my own hell.

Am I still human?
Because it feels like I'm a monster.
I'm looked at like I'm a monster,
So then I start to believe them.
I feel like this makes me less of a human,
Like my humanity instantly vanished.
So answer me this,
Am I a human?
Or...
Am I a monster?
I fear it.
For it is the thing that everyone hates.
No one wants to be made to feel like that,
Everyone just wants to fit in...
So why can't I?
Flaws and all?
Does that 1 fact make me that different?
Does it matter so much that I cant fit in anymore?
Why does it make me a monster?
Why?
I am still human am I not?
Or did my humanity fly out the window with 2 simple words?
"I'm gay."

The moment comes when you lose all hope
You stop wishing for that time machine
You stop praying every night for some kind of miracle
But you never stop dreaming
Of how it felt
To have her in your arms
But the moment has come to where I've lost all hope.

Fake a smile,
And fake a laugh.
Hide your tears,
And hide your cuts.
Polish your pain off with sparkling eyes,
And dazzling teeth.
Don't let them see whats going on in your head.
Don't let them know all the times you've cried,
How you cant stand to look at yourself in the mirror,
How you feel guilty every time you eat.
They cant know.
For all they know,
You're the happiest person alive.

"That's how it's always been"
They say
"It's biblical. That's how it's always been done and that's how it should be."

Excuse me?

According to you we must follow the bible?
Have you followed the bible? Uhh no.
The enlightenment was a long time ago.
Get with the program.

I have so many emotions,
So many things going around in my head.
For over 3 years...
Pain.
I've felt like there's been a constant tornado...
In my head...
And in my heart...
Swirling around,
Leaving nothing but destruction.

What evil sin did I commit
To deserve this hell?

If I **** myself tonight
Maybe no one would notice
Everyone who cares
Is either gone or dead
And let's face it
I'm living in hells subbasement
But I can't
And resistance comes with the price
Of my blood and alcohol
As if my mind wasn't dark enough.

We resent pain
And yet we inflict ourselves with it
The pain we can cause ourselves over rides the pain that's been given to us on a silver platter.
We want the pain to end
But we always want to hurt more.

I feel like my blood has been replaced
With alcohol
my thoughts, torment
Being tortured by
Demons
That only I can see.

This deadbeat just wants peace
With the sound of a flat line.

Which way to go
The pills calling my name
A knife
A gun
A rope and a chair
Or slowly with one drop at a time
With poison
That took the name of liquid courage.

I wonder why they called her ****.

She darkens her eyes,
With another ring,
Another line,
While her soul inside screams.

They say that the eyes are the window,
To what we hold inside,
But its only what we let show,
And let the rest subside.

That girl with the darkened eyes,
Shes me.
Shes the girl with so many lies,
That she hides so that no one can see.

She has a gentle smile,
And kind a soul,
But a dark one all the while,
Wishing to curl up and die in a hole.

You can be one of good intentions,
But if you darken your eyes, and darken your clothes,
People with view you from a different dimension.
So let the blood come, and watch it flow.

Whats the point of anything anyways,
If you're viewed in that light?
Your life becomes a haze,
And then you slip out of mind, out of sight.

"I'm done."
Typically when I say this,
People start to freak.
They think that I am done with life,
That I am done with living...
But I'm not.
I'm going in the opposite direction.
I'm done.
The blades,
The ones I held so dear...
I've said goodbye to.
I'm done.
No more.

A new house,
A new room,
A new beginning.
Whats this?
A new family?
Its the same people,
But its like they hit a restart button.
The same bed,
Same couch,
Same clothes,
Different walls.
Different skin.
Same hauntings,
Different ghosts.
Everythings the same,
But nothings the same,
Everythings different,
But nothing has changed.
Oh,
Whats this?
An act?
Perhaps.

"If I were a boy,
Even just for a day."
What if I was?
Would I finally feel comfortable?
I like guys clothes.
I like guy music.
I like girls (and guys).
I sit,
And stand like a guy.
I don't like make up,
And as a kid,
I was the girl playing with action figures.
I know I'm a girl,
And I dont want to be a guy,
Im fine with who I am,
But I just wonder...
What would it be like,
For all those things to be normal?
"If I were a boy,
Even just for a day."
But I'm not.
I'm a girl,
And not just for a day,
For a lifetime,
And I'm happy with that...
But still,
I wonder.
"If I were a boy."

I’m tired of writing poems about suicide. I want to write about the trees, how they dance in the wind, and how mother nature’s artistry shows through the leaves as autumn approaches. But it’s hard to write about the beauty of this world when every thought is consuming you, telling you to leave.

A penny for your thoughts?
Oh please,
Whats going through your head?
No need to be sad,
It just needs to be said.
And maybe when you see the marks there on my wrist,
You might realize that you really will be missed.
Uh oh. Uh oh.

Its not worth it,
Take one step back.
Look at all the beauty around you.
Please put down that razor, that knife,
Dont go away, just continue with this life

To the girl my life revolved around
The girl I love to death
And miss more and more each day
With every passing breath
Every time my heart beats
It aches a little more
For your touch
Your kiss.

People cry,
I cry.
Its what we do,
And its okay.
We cry because we have pain.
And we just need to let some of that pain go.
We don't cry because we're weak,
But we do it so we can continue to stay strong.
We cry because we've been strong,
And holding on too long,
That we just break down.
And thats okay.
Its all okay.

I made you promise me,
That you wouldn't get into it.
You made me promise you,
That I would stop.

You're important to me,
And I'm gonna keep that promise,
Do or die.

I am blind.
Not completely,
But it feels like it.
Without my glasses I am.
But I dont see this as a curse,
I see it as a blessing.
For I can take off my glasses,
And hide.
I can hide from the world.
All the hatred,
And all the ugliness,
Its a bliss feeling.
To be able to sit there,
And not see anything,
And be separated from the world.
But when you want to be part of the world again,
All you must do is slip on those glasses.
It feels like you have control over the world.

Thanks for being there for me,
But I don't need you anymore.
Thank you for trying,
But I'm tired,
Wasted,
And done.
It means a lot to me that you try,
But I'm done.
I cant be saved,
Not anymore.
But know that you warmed a special place,
Within my stone cold heart.

She's a pretty little girl.
Not a good little girl.

Last night,
I talked to her,
And I realized how much I truly missed her.
I thought I was over her,
That she was a thing of the past,
But no.
Shes a thing of the present,
And hopefully the future.
I miss her,
And I'm determined to make her mine again.
Because...
Shhhh!
Don't tell nobody,
But I think I love her.

I see you staring from across the room
You think as of I don't notice
But what you have yet to figure out
Is all the while you've been staring at me
I've been staring at you.

I walked out,
Just before dawn.
It was light enough to see,
But the moon still shown.
It was peaceful,
Right up until the moment I noticed something odd.
Peculiar.

The moon seemed to be glowing red,
A red ring circled it,
And then bled to the inside.
Blood.
On the moon.
Blood.
Danger is coming,
Its on its way.
Its a warning,
That few understand.

I got to school,
And right as I walked through the doors,
A broom fell.
Trouble is coming,
And its coming my way.
Oh what a wonderful day,
For destiny is set.
Its on it way,
Time to prepare,
For the possibility of disaster.

Everyone says I'm too pretty for him.
I don't care, since when have looks ever mattered to me? And he's not even ugly so take your opinion and shove it up your ***.
Thanks.

I messed up.
Big time.
I really did,
But whats done is done.
I can't go back an change it,
And even if I could,
I wouldn't.
I'm sorry,
But I'm not sorry for what I did,
Because it felt so right.
I don't regret what I did,
My only regret is that you had to be with me through all this.
I'm only sorry that I hurt you.

I've fell before,
Into her arms,
And she caught me,
But then quickly dropped me,
Like the nothing that I am.
I'm about to fall again.
The rope's about to break.
Is it safe to fall,
Into her loving arms,
For one last time,
Is it safe to fall again?

I have so many secrets,
Secrets I want to tell you,
But I don't know how.
I want to,
But I cant.
I feel that I cant trust you,
Trust you with the information that I hold so dear to me.
I'm afraid.
I dont want to tell you and then you leave.
Think I'm weird,
And just go.
And then all the progress I would have made,
The progress within my secrets,
It will have vanished.
So now I sit,
Alone,
Silent.
Holding all my secrets on the inside.

I'm tired,
And weak.
There are bruises on me,
Ones that seem to come from no where.
I'm always achy,
And my head never seems to stop hurting.
I sleep more.
I eat less.
I'm tried,
And weak,
But more than any of that,
I'm scared.

Must I be labeled?
Put into a classification,
Of what I am,
And what I believe?
Can I not just be human,
Or just be a girl?
Can I not believe in gay rights,
But at the same time be pro-life?
Can I not be a Christian,
And love girls?
Can I not want to see a change in this country,
Without being a liberal?
Why must you stamp a label on me,
Put me into a classification,
With a set of guidelines for me to follow,
Can I not just be me,
And do what I believe?

Fear...
It comes sneaking up on you,
And then it pounces.
Like a cat would on a mouse.
It takes you by surprise,
And it seems to rip your heart out.
It comes out of no where,
Thin air.
You're sitting alone,
Happy and smiling.
Nothing happens,
Nothing to really trigger it,
But there it is.
The pain.
Feeling your heart stop and then go a mile a minute.
Feeling your throat completely close and then open and then close again,
As you're gasping desperately for air.
Feeling the need to rip into two,
And leave part of you sitting there,
And just run,
And never stop,
And never look back.
But you cant.
You cant do that.
You stay sitting there.
You're paralyzed.
You cant move,
Or breathe,
Or cry,
Or scream.
No matter how much you want to.
And then everything relaxes,
But the pain and fear,
They haven't left.
Your body is in shock.
But now you can cry.
Now you can scream.
Now you can move.
But the worst part is over now.
So you just sit there,
Curled up in a ball,
Rocking back and forth,
Crying.
Traumatized,
Scared to death...
By nothing.

I'm sorry I'm not the girl you want.
The one who isn't afraid to kiss you with everyone watching,
The one who doesn't hear a small panicked voice in the back of her head every time we hold hands.
I'm sorry I cant be as comfortable with myself as you are with you.
But I do promise you this,
I love you and I want to be with you.
I will always be there,
No matter what happens.
I promise you that I'll be the perfect girl to love,
One who sits there with an open heart,
And a listening ear.
Honey I love you too much for this.
I'm scared.
Text me back.
Let me hear your words again.
Throw away the razors and put down the knife,
When you make a mark on your skin,
It makes a mark on my heart,
Because its my fault.
I couldn't be there for you,
And I couldn't fix it.
But baby,
Please dont go.

Im sorry to say goodbye to you,
But this is just too much,
In such a short period of time,
And I cannot take the stress,
I cant take handle the drama,
That seems to come along with loving you.
That statement is true,
I do love you.
I always have,
Since the moment I laid eyes on you as a kid,
And possibly always will,
Secretly, until my very last breath.
But I am tired of all the ****,
That follows you and your "friends",
And they tell me stories of you,
And some other girl,
That only a bestfriend would know.
I love you.
Oh how much I love you.
Darling I hate to say goodbye,
But you have lost my trust.

The pains within my chest
Are nothing but the physical representation
Of my broken
Aching heart.

"I kissed a girl and I liked it"
I was a little girl,
Of about 11 singing that.
I loved Katy Perry.
At that age,
I had no shame,
And I knew of no hate.
No hate in being gay.
Little did I know,
That would be me.
"I kissed a girl and I liked it."

We have clouds of lightning and thunder, who needs stars?

I'm just a little bit tipsy,
Just a little,
To get you off my mind.
A few drinks wont hurt anything.
Oh no.
There you are again.
Lets try another.
OK,
I'm at my limit,
I've had enough.
I've drank my pain away,
And you went along with it.
But now the buzz is dying,
And you're coming back to life in my mind.
Lets try this again.
Just a few more drinks,
Whats it gonna hurt?

"Cause of death?"
They ask.
"Alcohol poison."

I'm sitting here,
In the dark,
In the corner,
Singing.
To me,
Its comforting.
But to someone who the scene is new to,
The scene of a child,
Rocking back and forth,
Singing.
That wouldn't be comforting,
Creepy instead.

The pretty,
Pretty,
Words.
On pretty,
Pretty,
Paper.
Thank you pretty little words.
It better than red ugly ones.

Hey darling,
I wrote you a letter,
It bled out,
With the blood from my heart,
And had its own special signature.
I tucked it away,
Its under my bed,
Waiting for the day,
That I bring up the courage,
To kiss you one last time,
Hand you the letter,
And walk away,
As my final goodbye.

Quit your crap.
Quit saying gay is okay,
Because it obviously isn't.
If it was then it would be accepted,
It would be normal.
Things aren't okay.
It feels right,
But I feel that I'm being brain washed,
My mind being manipulated to think that its bad.
I'm being told its wrong,
That I'm an abomination,
That I need to change.
I don't want to change,
I want society to.

The darkness can creep around you
And hold you
Like you would a grieving loved one
But it can also hold you
Like a prisoner
And you will be traped
Within the stronghold
Of darkness.

I'm strong,
And I've been strong.
I'm strong for you.
I'm trying to show you...
Show you possibilities.
That things can get better.
But you wont watch.
You wont listen.
You're holding on...
But you're not strong.
You're weak,
And I see you slipping.
I reach out my hand to try to help you up...
But you wont reach up for it.
You can't just hold on forever.
You need help,
And you need support,
But you have to let me.
You have to grab my hand,
So I can give you help.
You have to stay with me.
You have to keep holding on,
Not only that,
But you have to stay strong.