You tell me to go.
To leave you behind.
But lust dances with my soul
To that I find
That my heart is a mess
Juggling love and rage at best.
Finding the right words to confess
My lowly state of mind.

She sleeps soundly.
Soft moans from fatigue.
And I lay here wondering what becomes of me.
Do I continue to despair?
Or go on without a care?
The heart has limits; that I know.
Even so, you tell me to go.

To leave you behind.

Darkness, take me.

None of the words seem right without you.

I swallowed 36 pills today and just laid down ready to die.
You told me my sadness was beautiful... Like a flower drowning in the rain.

I laughed... Because all 36 pills were evenly counted out for the things that made me feel this way.

1. For the headaches, the nightmares and the lack of sleep.
2 for the memories of you kissing me.
3 for the heartache, the way I watched you walk off with her under your arm.
4 for the screaming, the fighting over my weight each day.
5 for the way my family just never understood the way I didn't wanna talk about my feelings.
6. For the long nights I cried myself to sleep for being so ugly no one would want me.
7. For the days I didn't think I would survive at work with a mental breakdown.
8. And last but not least, for the way I could never make myself stop worrying about everything. The way I couldn't figure out my future. The way i couldn't stop hating my entire existence.

36 pills hand counted and evenly distributed down the back of my throat.

Do you still think sadness is beautiful?

~Christi Michaels~12/2014~
   ☆⊙☆⊙☆⊙☆

you with an onion
in the palm of your hand
pulling back layers
seeing just who I am

removing the papery
outer shell
the flesh beneath
holding slight color tan

folding back the next
begining to understand
sweet juicy onion
cradled
in the palm of your hand

brave to peel 
the next layer
spicey as onions can be
a tear begins to form
a tear just for me

now you are intoxicated
as only an onion can do
you pull back again
translucent flesh
coming through

sweeter and sweeter
I become
as you genlty find my core
you've settled in
found your way
what a delectable
delicious score

  ☆⊙☆⊙☆⊙☆
Copyright © 2014 Christi Michaels.
All Rights Reserved.

There was a time I thought I loved you,

and to be honest,
I didnt.

I loved you the way a little girl loves a stuffed animal; an affection, comfort, something that could never amount to anything id actually want, but something I could play pretend with.

The stuffed animal could be anything, especially something I could believe in and while that is good for a while, it will never be enough. playing pretend gets old, and imagining fairytales will stop after the cruelty of the world butts in.

Im just glad I outgrew stuffed animals.