**** the truth
**** the lies
**** the stupid
**** the wise
**** uncertainty
**** pain
**** your face
**** your name
**** the narrative
**** intent
Your love never
left a dent
**** the pills
**** the symptoms
**** logic
**** religion
**** your friends
**** the games
**** the cause
**** the blame
**** malice
**** fear
But most of all —
**** NEW YEAR

In the care of warmth
I lost the tarnished nature
jagged spittle
Black snakes writhing
The Doom ov virtue
This care wears me down
Softening the edges of
My brittle soul.
Chasing affection like a child,
Weakened by a state of want.
I am not this
Just a form that flows —
Adrift on chaos limb.

In the midst of happiness and care
I am drowning. And I can't tell you.
Love me where I'm least expected.
In the stillness of night I bleed.

It's okay to walk away
The others didn't stay,
I wouldn't love you any less.
I wish it were my heart
That tore us apart,
The trouble is my head.
A sorrow lives inside
That cannot be denied,
Poisonous to all who stay.
The prize ain't worth the fight
Doesn't mean it's right,
To leave me in the dark.
It's okay to walk away
I know that you can't stay,
I won't love you any less.

You killed me softly in my sleep
Placed empty kisses on my eyes
You ate my heart
You gnawed my bones
Butchered me with silent lies
You planted roses in my chest
To bloom in honour of my death
I still feel the thorns dig in
Though I no longer draw a breath
I am a monument to pain
I am a temple to despair
Wholly still and ruinous
Forgotten love beyond repair

Pull the shutter on my eyes
I don't care to see
The light anymore.
It is a lie
A hateful fallacy
for the eager
to heartily swallow.
Not fit for the sunken —
Godless in their
Corridors of sleep.
Extinguish this flame,
Let my heart rest.
In the wretched kindness
Of goodbye.

it goes
nowhere

this anger with no .
Compass.
So it sinks
into my gut.
Never digested,
Just a festering pain
Stored with
all the rest.
Cut into tributaries
Crimson with purpose.
The streams
they burn and flow.

I fear not death —
Not mine.
It is a welcome
Circumstance
I can meet with
an unfamiliar smile.
As long as there is nothingness
To greet me on the other side.
But yours
I could not bear.

Let me go first.

A heart
Will die a thousand times.
Love
Won't work out right.
Sadness is a
Circle ****.
Hope won't burn
So bright.
Wars are fought
Without consent
A world so wrapped
In sin.
If every day is ending
How can I begin?

Forgive me.
Forgive this undying love
That brings you
Such distaste.
Forgive my heart's honesty.
Forgive it's endurance.
Forgive my broken mind.
Forgive my tears,
Fervent
Burning as they fall.
Forgive my sickness,
Forgive my rage.
Forgive each pitiful word
That you won't hear.
Forgive the things
I can't undo.
Forgive my memory.
Forgive
My joyless life.

Each day fades to nothing,
No matter the lies
I tell myself.
The hardest words to say,
So easily ignored.
Trying to exist
For the only reason
that should matter,
The urge to live.
Shouldn't I feel that?
Shouldn't I breathe
And swim in glory (if only rarely)?
Instead, I cannot keep the night at bay —
The darkness without question,
The Underworld.
Tell me there's something else.
Let me feel again.
Some sweetness, Forgiveness.
Pleasure, Passion.
Truth. With new eyes.

Love.     you are a stranger
Knocking
on my door.
Gnashing teeth
"Let me in."
You were a
Golden savage,
Glistening with
sweat and promises,
Hot and sticky
A siren on the rocks.
"Let me in."
No,
That fire is
Extinguished
I don't know you
Anymore.

The life I knew
Was no great wonder
No endless sunsets,
No dreams made flesh.
No great plans
Newborns. Sweet infants
Or expectations.
I was just a rotten
Soul
            lost to dark banks
Night skies.
Raw young kisses
Idiot lust
With no tomorrow.

It wasn't much.
Just enough to miss.

Lover —
This is not your home.
You are no longer
Welcome.
I mean to tear you away,
                  tear you apart.
We were entwined,
We were enamoured.
We were.
Midnight passed,
Hostilities
Commenced.
Wounds
Reopened.
All truths spat.
All bets told.
I will cut you from
My heart.
I will erase
Your name.
Lover —
You are no longer
Welcome.

A fraction of joy,
think of me
As if
there were something to miss.
Bury flowers in my heart
So beauty

could take hold.
I remember
the look on your face —
So serious.
As if some treacherous
harm,
Were inflicted.
Let me wish
For no more,
As wishes
Are the death of
Rational thought.

The edge, static.
Dangling our feet —
Toward oblivion.
You smiled at me.
Hand
in
Hand.
We were happy,
For the last time.

I've decided to forget you.
Each stray thought,
Each reminiscence —
Is now just a loveless reminder.
A sentimental stab.
So,
I've decided to forget.
No longer
Will sad associations be traded
with meaningless facts.
No more
Tangential heartache.
No
Hastily covered tears.
Just slow burning
Synaptic ruin.
Our secrets,
Our dreams of the sea —
Washed away.

Inner decay,
My defence no longer intact
Barriers broken.
Compassion tangled up
With the oldest revelation of pain.
Unrecognisable to my former incarnation,
I was a lover.
Desirable. Unstoppable.
Before the rot set in.
You wouldn't know me now,
If I am still "me".
I miss the love given
So easily.
I miss the gaze you gave me in that
Smoky nightclub.
I miss being held like I had value,
Golden against your heart.
To feel loved —
It's just a memory.

This quiet girl,
A force of nature.
She is keeper of keys,
Joy and season.
Thread in the fabric of bliss.
Essential.
Queen
Divine in council.
A honeydripper —
Vitriolic in wrath.

I'm possessed,
Gratefully tortured by her memory.
Lingering
Yet, forever gone.

Tho raw misfortune faded
And I may be alone
It doesn't mean I changed my mind
Or wandered far from home
Thoughts still barb like hooks
Kisses lost their taste
Promises changed meaning
As we fell from grace
Instead I ache for passion
An all consuming fire
Honest, complicated
Thunder soaked desire
Consume my cause & motive
***** the brutal past
Love my dying embers
I wasn't meant to last

Why talk
When they don't listen?
Why be
When you don't feel?
Why yield
Unto submission?
Why earn
When you can steal?
Why fight
Against the darkness?
Why love
When love will die?
The past is dust and vanity.
The future is a lie.

I loved so much
I became just a husk
Drained of all the goodness
within.
Though my heart is intact
Every facet it lacks
May as well
Be hung on a hook.

It is easy to feel distant
At 5:55am,
My head a little sickly
My eyes like holes in snow.
Lights still out.
No history is made
Nothing yet laid out
in cold stone.
It's okay to feel alone
When you're a million
miles from home.
Hurt is just a metaphor
For paths we didn't take,
Each and every thought you have
Are just Godless mistakes.
We're unloved and empty
It's a fact you fail to see,
We're just little boats
Floating on a mighty sea.

I wish I could explain
The tide
Of pain,
That swept aside
The spark of youth
Burning bright
It dimmed the truth.
A darkness
Consuming hope and care
Leaving only hate,
Despair.
A splinter
Buried in my skin
Rotting all that's good
Within.
Now what remains
Is just a husk,
Emptiness
from dawn to dusk.
I wish I could explain
This fate
But even now
It's just too late.

through streets like open sores
I'm here.
hissing chatter
Invading my skull,
creeps down my spine.
pressure building.
it's all in your head.
You are the only one here,
feeling like this.
I'm outside, standing in the street —
Sun on tired eyes.
worms pushing
under my skin.
9am.
the doors are open.
Your appointment,
try not to cry.
But they don't understand,
you look human.
"Don't you want to work?"
"What do you enjoy doing?"
no. good.
let me bite     my ****** misery
and pour it
                 down  
      your throat.

Nothing's left
That's worth my breath
I fought and fought
To stave off death
I wrestled demons
You couldn't see
becoming something
I shouldn't be
I cut through sinew
I splintered bone
Despite the company
I suffered alone
You said you cared
I thought you knew
I'd never survive
Without you
As skin was tested
blood bloomed
My will was bested
denying doom
I saw it hung
behind each scene
Your heart unshackled
Your conscience clean
Love fits so neatly
back on the shelf
My final desire
To erase myself.

I gave away nothing.
You took it all
Piece by piece
Ugliness, it's slow release
My mewling heart
My flaming tongue
My savage soul
All came undone
The years unkind
The air — now stale
I'm tired of
this sorry tale
Just leave,
So I can make my choice
Turn out the lights
And dim the noise
Let me close my eyes and die.
My smile
will be the last goodbye.

She was my sun
I was lucky to cast
shadows
Against her brilliance
Her warm fingertips,
rays of light
Upon my skin.
Bathing me with glory
Resplendent
Morning light.
A universe of harmony
Sown over my
chaos black soul.
Each word now fading
As the light.
Back to a sunless
Existence —
Ugly reality in my veins.
Colder for having known
Her.
An unlikely conjunction
Unforgotten.
I search the sky
Each day
Knowing she won't return.

Were it not for you —
I'd wish the world would end.
All stories cut,
Mid sentence.
Humanity stubbed out,
Like a wilting cigarette.
Cataclysmic delight!
Even in our state of disrepair,
I love you too **** much.
Thankfully,
We get on so much better —
Now that we don't talk.
Our love,
Is death
by a thousand cuts.
Stinging us softly,
Into submission.

From far beyond
I fought against the waves
Pushing for years
Against this ugly tide,
Only to be left a corpse
Bobbing uncontrollably
Without will or whim,
My lungs filled with brine
Dragging me to depths unknown.
I see not a solitary soul
Down here, amongst these
darkened fathoms.
Not even the stars — so bright,
Can reach me now.
Sinking into my own
Silent universe.
Was it better to have known company,
Only to feel its loss?
Years now.
Tens of years.
Maybe I was always alone,
Just a shadow walking human shores.
A dream that lost track,
A foolish daydream.
Now I am home
Hidden from everything —
Swallowed by nothing.

Pain is an abstract
Written
On souls and skin.
Bruises show our tenderness,
Though wounds
May lie within.
Twisted, broken
Flesh will mend.
Hearts yield
Against love's sting.
Beat me.
Bleed me.
Torture me.
I can't feel a thing.

In your love,

I knew redemption.
I found trust,
A wealth of beauty in dark glories.
I saw stars
under heartless skies.
Alpha and Omega.
Endless.
I saw life incandescent,
A world beyond my own.

In your love,

I gained
and lost everything.

You brought radiance
Into my darkness.
But now,
In night skies
No stars remain.

My heart is a bloodhound,
Relentless in nature.
Bounding giddily toward oblivion.
Without remorse
or comprehension.
My heart is a hammer,
Blunt, forceful.
Each obstacle in its path
a nail.
My heart is driftwood,
Lost among the waves,
Ebb and flow —
Futile.
Without destination.

the steps I took
to hide myself, in caves
in darkest woods.
Here lies the long forgotten
Wolf.

At times I try
To curb my misanthropic ways.
I try to see the beauty,
Inherent in "our kind".
Instead
I see the greed
         the selfishness
         the vanity.
I see you
Scuttling like ants.
Mindless as cattle.
The individual
Feeble
Uninspired
Disappointing.
I'm poisoned by
your presence.
compromised
thru proximity
you.
you make me sick.
This dreadful fate —
...
I think I died
And
This is Hell.

You left this world
So long ago
The last time I saw you
Burned into me
Like a brand on
skin
Your words
Faint
Thru cruel age.
What was it you said?
I couldn't
make it out
Your frustration showing.

That feeling
Lost words
Haunting me
As tears burn
After all these
years.

You never
gave me a purpose.
You didn't
"complete" or define me.
I never understood
that need.
I was never incomplete,
Just broken.
I was
before you.
I am
despite your
destructive indecision.
**** your boredom.
**** your lies.
What came next was no surprise.
I was moving forward,
Regardless.
You just gave me motion sickness.

"Most people aren't happy you know."
a statement
earnest in its desperation
a broken bond
t r i c k l i n g
from your throat
inane
and
wheezing
I'm not like you
I'm a cold, dead species
the hollow son
a shadow on the wall
I'm a tourist in your ******* world
neither
among you
nor
of you
sinfully removed
dancing on the tips of spears
above the pantomime
sick
and free
and cruelly
brash
tho.
above the door
the sign reads...

You say —
"Tomorrow is another day."
Like it's a good ******* thing.
You don't know about
My yesterdays but
My todays are numbered.
I'm falling away,
Giddy in the undertow...
Howling at the moon.
I want to write sonnets on your skin
with my tongue —
Eat your boiling core like a starving wolf.
Give me a reason
To stay,
And I'll dance, whirling in the craters of
your soul.

I saw roses in bloom
Yet only remember the thorns.

Time erodes all memory,
Love ain't how it's meant to be.
It only leaves you burnt and scarred,
Your heart twisted, narrow—hard.
All the truth you knew untied,
Hopeful passion left denied.
I thought your love eternal bright,
But now I face the dying light.

This is permanence.
This is finality.
This is failed ambition.
This is faded youth.
This is compulsion.
This is rage.
This is impotence.
This is pain.
This is despair.
This is shame.
This is punishment.
This is contrition.
This is the gallows.
This is blood.
This is marrow.
This is annihilation.
This is damnation.
This is purgatory.
This is rapture.

I never felt more alone
than at a party —
Amidst the revelry.
The laughter and merrymaking,
Like an unfamiliar song.
Confirming my rank,
Outsider.
Fiend.
Ne'er-do-well.
Chasing the moon
in the gutter.
Far from the strange libretto of joy.
Far from the jubilation.
With your ghost —
All dark hair and poison kisses.
You left me out in the cold...
Where I belong.

11:38pm Friday night
Lost again
To your memory
The nights we spent
Blissful
Unaware of what
we could lose
Dashed upon the rocks
Bitter
Disappointed
Unsurprised.

Your love
Twisted
A cruel blade
In my heart.
I smiled
Unknowingly,
As each
Loveless
Incision
Hit their mark
So perfectly.

Upon opening my eyes
I saw that there was nothing left.
No tenuous threads of plans
Nothing familiar
Just a distance
Leaving me wholly untouched,
As the world writhes
United with love and expectation.
My only possession
A counterfeit
Joy.
Absent participation.
Loveless but loving.
Burning underground
Bound by sleep.
An existence
exchanged for hours.
This day,
Like every other
Ending without
consequence
Every breath, a defeat
With nothing to show.
Your embrace —
My fondest memory.
I died a thousand deaths
To let you go.

Upon opening my eyes
I awake to nothing
It is the benchmark of my days
Spent in furious labour
Or idling in empty hours
The result is always
Nothing
To love and tend in furious passion
To sicken and hate shamelessly
It still remains as nothing
Each whispered cause
Each luminous belief
Is nothing
Without meaning or reward
As each day fades
I close my eyes
To nothing.

I remember a time when
I mattered.
So far away now,
Forgotten
Under scars of time.
Indifferent from
the heartache,
It's perspective dulling
Memory.
A rot
Uncertainty
Inhumanity.
I was born
Unnoticed,
To be forgotten.