My darling —
You helped me to understand,
You helped me to breathe.
In you I knew love.
You were the sun!
Now I lie here
Dismantling the certain future,
Counting words.
Now I'm a ghost ship
No sextant, compass or map.
My darling —
Will you forgive me?
Will you weep for me?
"I'll always care for you."
An empty platitude,
A parting shot.
Always and forever.
In the arms of your new lover.
Silent.
Silent.
And you don't think of me.

I'm so sorry
we don't talk anymore.
I'm so sorry
if I took it all to heart.
I don't know how I got this lost —
How it all fell apart.
I'm so sorry
I can't find my way.
I'm so sorry
I have to go.
This pain is inescapable,
Like footprints in the snow.
I'll leave behind
a note for you —
Words that once meant more.
Words that once meant only love
Though now feel more like war.

We talked about
The things
I couldn't put you through.
The end of my pain,
Your genesis.
My life unknown
Unused,
Swallowed whole.
Slowly, each day —
Hell upon Hell.
Falling stars
Crashing to ground,
Cataclysm.
Friends. Lovers.
I never meant to waste away.

I couldn't find
a mark that's true
falling       so far away from you.
words are
ashes in my mouth
though will not let me choke
each glassy eye
that roves on me
Can only see a joke.
I'm gone, so gone
yet permanent. A creature
in a snare.
Engage my tongue, my heart, my skin
Yet you won't find me there.
Give up these earthly
monuments
give up the love that
waned.
each trace of me
A poison.
A human,
Tho abstained.

My idiot words cannot express
The dying that I feel inside
Instead they
Idly show distress
So foolishly, I hide.
Each day sadly lingers on
Repeating endless
Misery.
Another timeless
Wave of dread,
Upon this blackened sea.
Unlike the rest
Who pray and toil
To forever leave their mark,
I want to vanish
Without trace
Buried in the dark.

Darling,
This pain will last forever.
I'm bleeding out,
Lovingly dismembered,
Hung on hooks.
Cherished.
A spectral heart
Pumping dust
throughout my veins.
This holy temple,
Now in ruins.
Now a tomb.
Burning, desecrated.
Love laid gently to rest...
Godless, evermore.

ain't the pain
ain't the cost
ain't the love
though love is lost
you were right —
It wasn't real
without you here
Joy feels surreal.
ain't the words
that tore my skin
ain't the void
I feel within
ain't the yawning chasm nights
ain't the dying of the light
ain't the urge to conjure blood
Or things I haven't said but should
The future isn't even kind
I beg you
Leave my world behind.

My heaven
is knowing you exist,
And that you once loved me.
My hell
is all that followed.

**** every minute
**** every day
**** the exits
**** finding a way
**** your agenda
**** all your lies
**** your true face
**** your disguise
**** the liberals
**** Donald Trump
**** building your wall
you ignorant chump
**** the hate you inspired
**** the love that fell flat
**** taking our heroes
We're all tired of that
**** the hope that expired
**** the future unseen
But most of all —
**** 2016

There is another world
Found in sleep
Buried
A godless avenue
Beyond temptation.
Conjured past,
A loveless future
Stalking dread.
It's logic undefined
Your soft chaos sings to me.
Every hereafter
A new world.
Take refuge in the nightmares
Don't let me wake up.

The screws dug deeper
        into my skin Burrowing
like tiny invasive flames
Pain tripping sickly
into my veins Finding its home
  under
       muscle
and sinew As
tendrils probed my serpent
guts
Shock.Subdued.Sensation
Gently arresting functionality
Instead of Epinephrine resistance
I found myself drifting
further Into Sleep.

This pain, so absolute,
These moments Slowl
y dulled. Losing you h
urt so entirely, I could
n't find my way back.
Each day is final, Cho
king away this failing
strength. It was never
your fault.

My heart,
This colossal piston
Is slowly halting.
Sickly,
In its cavity.
Poisoned.
Bleating,
Its final rhythmic chorus.
No more.
No more.
No more.

Dreadful Monday
Sitting here
Among the idiot
Chatter severe
Blank expressions
Garbled words
Under the radar
Unseen, unheard
Counting seconds
Losing my head
Anxiety stricken
Better off dead
Another appointment
Facing the spotlight
"How have you been?"
Everything's alright
Exit in haste
Sickening refrain
Back to uncertainty
Into the rain.

Can't sleep tonight.
I feel her touch,
Her heated whisper in my ear.
A memory half real
upon those brief waking seconds.
An ancient forgotten myth —
Alive and panting,
Graciously demanding attention.
"I am still here.
   Forget me again,
When the night is kinder.
Tonight my horror
          Is yours to keep."

I used to think
It was cruel
I was left like this,
That a lover should hear my plea.
But
I've changed my mind
Over some time.
No woman should ever
Settle for me.
I was a vital young man,
A wild stag
Unbound.
time changes everybody.
Now I'm bitter. I'm weak.
A heartless freak,
No woman should ever
Settle for me.
Think of your Beauty,
Think of your worth
"True Love" shouldn't be charity.
All I'd show you is woe
It's best that you know —
No woman should ever
Settle for me.
Save your kisses,
Your words.
All the effort you spend
I mean that
Affectionately.
Go chase your dreams!
As I fall apart at the seams.
No woman should ever
Settle for me.

I learned the truth,
Today.
I heard the anger and pain
In your voice.
We're strangers again,
somehow.
No affection.
No trust.
We bark and bite.
Trying to wound.
Trembling.
The strength I had  —
Forgotten,
Like those sweet
whispered moments.
I long to leave it far behind.
To sleep in peaceful arms
and forget...
The sun is ******.
The birds don't fly.
All that once knew love
has died.

Sometimes I think about you
And I can't stop crying.

This inhuman mask of stability
Is all for ******* show.
The tears
The pain
The anger,
Stored quietly below.
I wonder if you even think of me
If my name's a thorn.
Tho contemplation is a waste
When all the love is gone.
It broke me when I lost you
There's nothing left but doubt.
My heart burned bright with passion
Until you put it out.

Everything you ever saw
Everything you worked for
Everything you ever knew
Every love you found
Every friend you made
Everything that you hold dear
Everything you needed
Will one day
All be gone.

My heart ran cold
When you talked about visiting.
Happiness, reality.
I choked
Realising that I couldn't
Give you a thing.
To act human,
To show warmth. To be natural.
To smile, act confident —
I have forgotten how.
Upon loving you,
I could only disappoint.

This death I wish
upon myself
Will wait another
Day
Unless the world
has other
plans
To take my soul
Away.

Those promises became dead ends,
While we slept.
Familiarity turned slyly
On its head —
As warmth became hostility.
Love usurped by self.
Blighted.
Faded as the stars.
Am I disassembled?
Am I ruinous?
This perfect agony.

In the weakness
Of desire,
I became nothing.

Through strange
misfortune
Astral coincide,
Our paths crossed.
Signals passed
Tangential sorrow
Connected
Unlikely fellows.
abstract
code
Pointed, slyly
To your door.
You helped me see
The world anew.

My actions have a name —
Social Suicide
A cannibalistic act.
Burrowing deep
into the earth
Where the dead lay twitching.
Unhook myself from the past,
The people I knew,
Counted as friends.
They never grieved my loss,
Superficial love kills quickly.
Ain't it funny?
Can't sleep anymore,
I just wander in the dark
Till morn.
The moon and stars
Looking down,
they won't miss me either.

It's just another year
Nothing more of consequence
A little older, none the wiser
Endlessly repeating; attack/defence
Always losing fated falling
Is it will that I lack?
Faking faith and joy and reason
While serious as a heart attack
So let's pretend it didn't happen
No words of love on printed card
Just leave me with the bottle
Celebration shouldn't be this hard
**** this life and all I ever lost
Put to end this sorry day
All I ever learned in total —
The way to win is not to play

SPEAK or you'll be forgotten.
Creation without thought
without merit.
express without care
kisses void on
yesterday's love
(without question).
your ugly youth,
Clutching at straws
Stained by inexperience
desperate to be
misunderstood
there's nothing raw
within you.
Just play the game
Mouthing words
you couldn't understand.

Cold. Hearted.
Fiend.*
You were not
mistaken.
I took
crooked vows
men you knew before
with candy hearts
Sweet as the lies
they call home.
This callous spirit — a
****** talisman,
My only protection
My violent core
Will shake
Your grey foundations.

The pressure of
this life
The woe
The loss
It made a ruined
Diamond
Out of me.

Those foolish words
you..                            hesitate
To say,
Just might make
someone's day.

I long to leave
this world behind.
I am a stranger here
without your hand.
A shade now walks —
Where once
there was a man.
This roar has been stifled.
Now mute,
Heartless and frail.
There is no pity for the loveless.
There is no time.
There is no rest.
There is no hope.
I see the indifference
in their eyes.
The distance between us.
It is unbearable.

Loving her
Was like finding an ocean
After a lifetime
Treading
in muddy puddles.

I can't help myself.
Without effort
I will take it all to pieces.       I'll show
you
Black ruin.  The misery that picks
clean my.   bones.
Self—destruction,
My whispered mantra
I will not be happy.
I will not be happy.
It's a divine sickness
Undenied. My ugliness
Is my shame.
Let me show you
The nothing I'm capable of.
Crawl towards the edge.
Step. Off.
Smile.

I'm sorry if the heart
beating
beating
just for you
Is now something
You wish
Would stop.
This frantic call
Keeps me
awake,
Cursing its
cardiac
Confession.
If only it knew
you don't love me anymore.

I miss the touch
of lust The intimacy
of lips on skin
Desperate ecstatic
fumblings Giving way
to honest
desperation
Hotly whispered
requests
Secret yearnings
No need for shame
No need for love
Just tell me what
you like.

On the surface
In plain sight
Our imperfections
show.
In reality
Our true defects
Are buried
deep below.

It doesn't matter,
Another year passing —
You're all talking
Sweet light
Huddled in the corridor
Chatter like a dripping tap.
its dull crescendo
flowing through me.
Blood pulsing in my skull.
My internal dissection.
I'm less than before,
always
stalling.
I won't be here much longer
I won't miss a thing,
Just the words that left me out.
Yuletide misery,
God rest my ******* soul.

I'm so tired
Of chasing you
All the empty people
Can go to hell.

Forget the love
I poured into your wounds.
It won't heal you
Anymore.
Forget the times
I consoled you,
The care that languished
In my words,
Gently lingering.

I'm so tired
Of chasing you
All the empty people
Can go to hell.

There is no secret —
No savage lesson in this pain.
This day brings no joy,
The sun — no warmth.
I can't see your face.
Your voice, faint.
There is no comfort in memory,
Only loss.
Each colour fades.
Each night restless.
Each hope vanquished.
Your love has taken
part of me.
Erased.
Organs
neatly stacked.
Soul perforated.
Spirit sullied.
Heart frantic/
Bruised.
Your lips —
My Sweet Armageddon.

I lost it all with each
second from wake
to sleep there are no
colours desire expired
motivation lost in
silent minutes carved
upon my wrists here
under heavy covers
subdued as the dog
next door endlessly
barks I am nothing.

Friday night.
I feel my bones forgotten
Disassembling character.
Ghostly lungs still breathing,
Shallow.
Heartstring,
Hanging from the gallow.
Gone
Before the morning sun.

I'm afraid that there's
nothing left.
I'm afraid that meaning
is surely fading —
Dulled by absence.
A slow burning ember,
That was once an inferno.
This stage —
Once brimming with joy,
Holds now only silhouettes,
Ghosts.
Tender echoes.
Love letters returned,
Unread.
Counterfeit,
Plagiarised —
Empty.
This is how the world ends.
Without you.

I am not afraid
To live,
To die.
But to stagnate
Is
To pull my heartstrings
From
Its hard casing.
Abandoned,
In a world that
No longer understands.
There is nothing
Left,
Only a love that doesn't
Touch us.

Your words
that hold
No meaning
Will
Choke you
In the end.

My world is smaller.
I no longer know your love.
All beauty broken into pieces,
Scattered.
Each morning —
Grey and pitiless without
your radiance.
I am a shell,
Once breathing.
Cut,
Heartless and sore.
A soul,
Without essence.
Ugly.
Spent.
An empty memory —
Looking for its end.
Walking with shadows,
Doomed by a love that died
without warning.
You — were my heaven.
You — are my purgatory.

I saw you go  It didn't hurt.
I know the truth —
You lie in dirt.
So happily I live alone,
Without remorse
I've stumbled on.
Your simple words  Shed simple skin
While I fought wars
I couldn't win.
So rage. So howl.
Gnash your teeth.
It was never worth the grief.
Continue walking empty halls,
One day I'll forgive you all.

After her,
I found there was nothing left.
Those songs —
Now skewed in absence,
Stubbed out on my skin.
She is a faded dream,
Unpicked and sullied.
Nostalgia
Sharpening the blade,
Dragging bodies.
Beauty in a red dress
Flawless in her glory.

I'm not grateful
For all these days
(of pain).
I'm not grateful
For this life.
I don't want to see
A miracle.
I want to burn it
To the ground.
The love you gave,
I didn't ever want.
The love you gave,
I didn't need.
I just want
to give it all away.
Say goodbye.
Watch me bleed.

I've been a phantom all this time.
In every corridor
In every second
I faded a little more
In every scene
In every crowd
I'm lesser than before
All that lived has now expired
Each haunted word is old and tired
You once saw me
You once noticed
Now you just walk out the door
This dimness
Took my body
Took my heart
Took what mattered
Leaving just a ghostly shell
Hopeless, lost and scattered
The blame
Lies slyly at my feet
I was hollow from the start
In feeling nothing for myself
I took myself apart.

Divine beastie —
There is wonder in your fine eye.
A wild nature,
Ancient and unfurled.
Chaos and smoke,
Night and dagger.
You! Sweet familiar,
Cruel wanderer.
I have known
your heart
A thousand lives.
Never stray too far.

there is no joy in removing this,
no pleasure forgetting you.
pretending to forget,
to make the days easier,
the nights shorter.
I miss telling you "I love you"
those words now deadened
in my throat.
I hate these terms of undoing,
when you are all I remember
and the world is cold
and sterile.
those gnashing smiles of carefree pasts
reminding me
to be grateful
because all you lost is a woman
plenty more fish
better to have loved and lost
time heals all wounds
it wasn't meant to be
ILLCUTOUTYOURTONGUE
she was not that.
she was starlight in the chaos
meaning and reason
the voice I loved
a reason
where there was none.