Mirror on the wall,
You frighten me.
Waking up in the morning,
And seeing you there,
Tall, long, and slender,
Almost mocking me.

I start at my face,
A round and puffy base,
Wishing for a piercing and cutting jawline,
Cheekbones that could ****,
But my mirror image stares back at me,
Knowing I'll never know such a thrill.

When I start to look down,
At the person staring back at me,
I see the stomach,
A flap of fat,
No definition of any sort,
More so the lack of.
Parts of fat bulge over blue jeans,
With one 360 alone,
The "love" handles are evident,
But I do not love them,
Quite the opposite,
For every inch,
Every centimeter of over flow,
Is another reason to hate myself.

Legs and arms,
Containing not veins of muscles,
But vein looking lines,
Stretching across skin,
Reminding me of ways I could've been,
Thin,
Toned,
Without lines,
But I can't be that way.

Wretched mirror,
Why must you be this way,
You show the skin,
But not the story,
And sometimes you simply are,
What my brain thinks I should see,
Worthless.

And sometimes the story breaks through,
Of puffy cheeks lighting up from a smile,
And legs large,
From the years of running,
And the stomach,
Stretched and shrunk from your years of,
Binging,
Starving,
Repeat.

An altered sense of self,
Shown by you.
My enemy the mirror.
You block my way out the door,
I break my way through false images,
To see another day.

Someone walks around with me,
A blue little monster,
With grubby little hands,
Fur is all tangled,
Mangled and raw.
That's sadness,
The worst someone of them all.

You see sadness walks around with me,
And reminds me of my fears,
Tells me people will leave,
Without one single care.
They say "it's happened before,
Why not now?"
And I can't really say anything,
All I do is frown.

Sometimes something happens,
And someone wants to leave,
And sadness starts laughing,
Hoping I'll start to believe
When things seem like they're going right,
I probably could be wrong,
And maybe I should just give up,
Before more of my heart is torn
By sadness' grubby fingers,
Scratching and prying away,
Cackling like a hyena,
And I just sit in pain.

I know you didn't mean to hurt me,
But it doesn't mean I won't cry.
My stomach has an empty pit,
And my mind is like a prune,
My heart may not be mangled,
But there are tears
That won't go away too soon.
So forgive me for my frowns,
And the occasional tears,
It's just that my monster made me believe,
In all my horrible fears.

Wintry winds wisp through the air,
The chilling feeling is upon us.
Leaves crinkle and crackle,
Hardened by the cold.

Layers upon layers,
Bundling in seas of blankets,
Steam from a cup of tea warming the face,
A comforting book on the bed-side table.

Cuddles and hugs,
Butterfly kisses,
and a warm embrace,
Brings a smile to my face.

Clearer night air,
Means that stars easier appear,
The moon shines brighter,
Everything slightly more calm.

So I'd like to say thank you to the weather,
For bringing the season that is better.

The hardest part of getting out of bed in the morning?
Knowing that I’m going to have to look at myself in the mirror.
My brain tries sending me a warning,
“Don’t let yourself endure this terror.

I can’t go a day without a morning run,
Because how can people see me if I don’t look my best?
I try to pretend that it is somewhat fun,
But I know, deep in my heart, I would prefer rest.

However, there are people who keep me grounded,
And remind be that there is more to life,
Than to be pounded,
By my own insecurities and strife,
So I’ll try my best to love myself,
And, when I wake up in the morning, try to leave my sorrows on the shelf.

I want to scream at you,
Really Really loud,
Because you tore my family apart,
Without making a sound.

You smiled so care free,
As you ****** someone elses wife,
And so to your neck,
I want to take a knife.

I am so angry,
My blood is boiled to the brim.
You've caused so much heartache,
From one single sin.

The hands that once caressed her skin,
Are now making bruises,
And you soon found out that different woman,
Have different uses.

I want to put a gun to your temple,
And tell you not to cry,
Because you turned my mother bitter,
As I watched my sister die.

So as you roll in your money,
Smiling in foreign places,
And you **** your ***** on balconies,
Because you can't remember our faces.

Know that we will never love you,
Because you were never here,
To hold us when we were born,
Or to keep us safe and near.

You have no say in how we were raised,
You're the reason we're wary of men,
Because you were never a father,
And you were never a friend.

"Your selfish heart can't have me!",
Because it's decaying and turning black,
And if you never loved me,
How do you expect me to love you back?

Sweet melodious dreams fill my head,
Dreams of sugarplums and fairies,
Everything is calm and wonderful.
I am in bliss,
Just as I should be.

“HEY YOU,
What do you think you’re doing?
How can you be relaxing in a time like this?
Look at the mess around you,
The mess YOU created!
You don’t deserve to be in bliss.

There are papers due tomorrow,
Arguments to be had.
And hey didn’t you eat a lot tonight?
Maybe a run is in order,
Not a side of fries.
And my god, everything you say is embarrassing,
Shouldn’t you be trying to fix that?
CAN YOU HEAR ME?”

Nothing.
That’s when nothing hits.
The sugarplums go away,
And so does the person in my head,
But that doesn’t necessarily mean that things are good.

Emptiness.
The scariest feeling in the world,
Because it reminds you that you are nothing,
Meaningless,
Worthless.
You can’t breathe,
You can’t speak,
You can’t feel,
You can’t see,
Because there is just,
Nothing.

Panic.
That’s when fight or flight kicks in,
And more often than not I choose flight,
Because my mental strength is lacking,
And I am unable to deal with the pit in my stomach,
And the meaninglessness in my heart.

Sobs fill the darkened room,
Except no one can hear me,
I am alone,
And the walls are closing in,
I feel as though I’m dying,
But since no one around chooses to hear my pain during the day,
Am I really making a sound?
Or are you in a constant state of just,
Panic.

Eventually, I become exhausted from my own emotions,
Crying myself asleep I finally can get peace,
And I wake up in the morning to sunshine and roses,
But I still can’t see them.
I may be awake but my heart really isn’t.
I can walk around and laugh with friends,
But really I’m just waiting my impending doom,
When night starts again.