i've written this poem a thousand times
and it's never the same
but it's always about you

sometimes it feels like i’m the
last
second
of a sunset that didn’t make the movie
a small
forgettable
part
of a spectacular whole
a
split-second
no one will miss...
right?
i could be all the colours you need
every shade of blue
you could think of
and never
enough
still so bright
too late

i want to be enough
i want to be more than enough
i want
to be every star in the sky
and i want
to be the sky
i want to feel like more
more than just one person
more
than i am
more than i’m trying to be
i don’t want to get lost
in the silence of my own mind
i don’t want to be small
and soft
and maybe-broken
i want to be enough

keep me in a space
small enough to keep close
and reach into
whenever you need something
and small enough
to forget about
out of sight
gone for now
wait and wait
and wait
for that moment where you remember
i was always there
in that too-small, small enough space
never out of reach
easily accessible
easily forgotten
use me like it doesn't matter
treat me like i'm small
wait and wait and
waiting still

there is something sacred
about the way i touch my face
or my arms
or my stomach
or my thighs
or any part of myself
that has at some point
felt foreign
and i want to live in the fearlessness
of learning to accept the gentleness
of my touch
because there is beauty
and holiness
in knowing that i’m enough

i check my horoscope every hour
just in case
the planets decide to change their minds
about us

i’ve been keeping it in
so many thoughts
and feelings
and dreams i can’t control
i haven’t told you
or anyone
i don’t even tell myself
i just try to forget
and forget and forget
and i’m trying
and it’s working
at least
i think it’s working
it’s past midnight and
i’m beginning to doubt it’s working
okay
it’s definitely not working
because
i’ve been keeping it in
all these thoughts
and these feelings
and dreams i keep trying to control
but i can’t forget
and i can’t tell anyone
and i’m beginning to feel
like i might just
burst