Try as I might, I cannot refer to you with anyother title
For you had unfortunately raised me
You stood there
Unaware, as my childhood grazed me
I never saw it coming
You never asked for me
I never wanted this to happen
For you to cry over me
I thought you'd be glad
You got what you wanted
Me out of your life
But like a ghost I still haunted
Your memories of regret
Your memories of pride
All those nights crying
We shamelessly lie
I'm sorry you find your sanity in a bottle of wine
I'm sorry I find mine in a bottle that was prescribed
We both need our peace
We both need our distance
If it helps you to know
I'd love you to listen
About how I still care, deep in my heart
I'm sorry that our minds
Tore us apart

With everything I do
I will have the doubt in my mind
That the things I am doing
Are just to fill time

My empty accomplishments
My empty wall of fame
My empty heart beating
My empty full name

I lie awake tired
I lie here distressed
I lie here, my mind racing
My whole life a mess

I'm counting the hours
I'm counting the days
Until I can give up
This timeless charade

Dear god I'm not happy
Dear god I'm a fraud
Dear god are you listening?
Dear god, I've wrote you all along

When will this be over?
When will I feel full?
When will my life become everything everyone said it would?
When will I feel sure?

Dear god if you're listening
Dear god hear my plea
Dear god I'm begging you
Why won't you answer me?

I  know how much you never wanted me
You don't know that I know
Or maybe you do and that's why you're so distant
As much as I want to I could never fix it
It hurts to think that you favor them more
That they're yours and pure, through marriage even more
I was a surprise, a mistake; unexpected
21 years later, a relationship formed and weary
Straining and wearing thin
Maybe I'll never know what it's like to be close
Maybe I'll never see what a healthy relationship is
You'll always be a hero to me
I'll always be your greatest sin

It came down
Like a tidal wave
Grasping towards the surface
I couldn't reach
Here I was
On the train
Hiding my face so patrons couldn't see

I was weak
I was alone
I was tired
I was bleak
I was me

He wanted to know what was wrong
Why the tears
I told him
"It's been like this, like this for years"
I say "I hate my life" at least twice a day
"I always hope it's jokingly" I say
But it isn't
I mean it, it's meant for every second

My family is aloof
My friends are in the past
Where I can't reach them
I wear their memories like a cast
"I gave my all" I exclaimed
All is what they took
They left what they gained

My life's heading nowhere
And it's getting there fast
21 years old
And all I can focus on is my past
Where am I going?
Why am I doing all of this?
I wish I knew
I wouldn't be ashamed to exist

One life to live
And this is how I'm living mine?
Time is all I've got
And I've got none at the same time

If it's all the same
I don't want to **** myself
I don't want to die
But what's the point of living
If you're dead inside?

The world around me has become more alive
But not happy
They are awake
And they are angry
We are the fallen
But not defeated
No matter how many battle wounds we endure
We will not hemmorage
For we are the sensitive but not weak
Observant with tired eyes
Our voice trembles but we speak
Oh but when we speak
You won't forget a single word
The world around me is testing me
They are ravenous but they won't break me
Resiliency has become me

Nobody reaches out to me anymore
Nobody texts or calls
Nobody asking if I'm okay
The friends I once held close live their lives as if we'd never met
I have to learn to be okay
Okay with the fact that I'm lonely
Okay with the fact that I'm abandoned
Okay with the fact that I am their past
I should've known I'd never last

I'll hold on to the memories
And I'll think I miss you
But I'll just miss the time
At least as friends
I can say
"I used to be able to call you mine"

It's 3am*
When will I be okay?
It'll get better they say
I've just gotten more comfortable with my stay