Why is it in movies
The characters are so real
So specific
But in reality people aren't even sure who or what they are
We're all in between
Living to slowly create some sort of something we can tolerate calling ourselves

Somehow you took home in me
Like a wasps larva in a caterpillars body
I was your comfort
Your shelter
While you grew stronger and stronger
Then out of the blue
I couldn't move
Your touch chemically
   Paralyzed me
I gasp for air as fresh as the kind by the apple tree
In the garden
Where we met
Wounded-I protected your innocence
Feeding off your fulfillment
Untill I starved to death

I keep writing suicide notes in my head

never actually put them on paper, no, too real

I went for a drive and stopped on the railroad tracks...a train never came

Why? Why when I offer so willingly to be one of the 500 a year to be taken by railroad, nobody's there to listen

If I were in a book I'd be a perfect candidate to be taken out by heart disease, but instead my circulatory system couldn't be less flawed, and I'm not in a book.
This scene doesn't have background music
There's just a dog making noise in his kennel

This moment doesn't matter. Nobody's here to see it.

This moment, that is the utter choice in existence of myself, does not matter.

Because nobody cares to see it.

Silent heartbreak
I never revealed my true heartthrob
And now you'll never know all your beautiful pieces
Like the way you look from a distance
Or how easily your eyes give you away
Or your laugh for instance-
An explosion of color in a room painted grey-
All things kept secret
Words forbidden the taste of air
   she'll never see them
Buried deep under skin
But I've witnessed a world of you
Remaining -and to remain-
Unspoken

What makes you think
Of temperature change in tomorrow's weather

better just button up your coat

You fill you're self with poisons and complain when you cant breath

****** father, open your eyes to what you have
Nobody's gonna pitty a man who cries for riches with rubies in his hands

Love is respect and I respect everyone I meet
It's then you're responsibility to let it fall or let it keep

If you reach up for the moon it doesn't seem so far.
I could grab a ladder
Or climb a tree.
It doesn't seem so big.

I hate the stars.
How can they simply rest up in their place while the World goes to war with itself
with in each human we tear apart our own bodies
with in each species we separate our souls

I look up to them in envy, and decide I will never sit like that.
pretending like there's hope
pretending like this prairie is anything but an endless field of grass

In between my step's beats
And the city sidewalks street light
I can feel my heart pulse
And I can see my lips breath

   Yet still feel uncertain that I'm alive

It would say something like...

I'm jealous of the trees

They simply get to watch

I want to be a tree
Or the sky
Or a bird

And even if I'm not
At least I won't be a ******* robot in this world

I recently dis covered
Beauty
In such a simple and unexpected way

Brush your teeth
And then drink hot chocolate

look at my picture
look in my eyes
now tell me, is it that hard to see?

Every rumble of tire
Across this lonely crowed street
Creates a wave of emotion
And It suffocates me
For a second I see hope
For a moment I breath deep
The moment has finally come
For my feelings to be free
Then I look again,
At nothing in distance
Im a fool lost at heart
With a heartbreaking imagination

I just need to hold myself
breathing is louder here
...I can hear my breath
I am alive
knees together
tucked up beside me
all ten fingers tangled in my hair

a bed is no place for my body
I feel safer here
curled up on this floor

I look up
I see lies
I look across
I see lies
I look in
I see lies
In every man's eyes
I see manipulation
The only truth I've known
Came  only for redemption
So fickle so true
My souls about as good
As one from a shoe
Beat me up take me down
I wont know any different
Inexperience is the death of the innocent

You're barely a stranger yet you hold every part of my emotions I wasn't even sure still existed

I just like it more than being with the people I know
I want someone to share moments with. Beautiful ones. But not just anyone
Because I've shared moments with anyone before and that's why I prefer being by myself. People I know **** the energy out of me. Leave me dry, and it's frustrating.
I want someone to intensify the air
To make me feel more than I've ever felt, yet feel completely comfortable with the chaos

We spoke about our lips
Where they've been , who they've kissed
If only a wish could ****** this mess
But
  A heart eating man
Ripped innocence from my chest

You suggested that I start anew
I stay silent
    And gaze at you
You told me there'd be waiting line
  But the only start has fallen eye

I woke up one morning and I was sad
That's how I remember it happening
The next day everyone's eyes had Lazers and I was always the target

I went to bed and woke up
And went to bed and woke up
And everyday I woke up sad

It was scary at the time
I didn't know what jumped inside me, but voices I heard in the halls would echo themselves around my ankles and my toes just felt this constant need to wiggle
Id have moments where the World flipped itself around and around and then landed normal again

It happened in a day. One day.
I woke up
And I was crazy

I guess I just expected you to care a lot more than you did

None of this makes sense to a heart starved of its mess
All these words are just scrambled alphabet for a soul thats been swallowed hole

I'm not frustrated with anyone
I'm frustrated with frustrating as a whole
Why do I give a **** about all of the ways they lie
I'm so ******* sick of ignorance
Towards each other
Towards themselves
Towards the universe

We all want the same thing . . .

A pair of eyes
( piercing. Soaked up with all the light from every moon, and every star, and every bulb from every cieling )

To look....no.... Gaze /stare/ glance fixedly upon
Or own (pair of eyes)
And without saying a word.
Understand.
All. Of. The. *******. Pain.

To run finger over needles stabbing each ear and
      Slowly
Remove their stinging remarks
All while holding a gaze
All, while, holding, a,     Gaze

I’m starving
and you’re my audience
“fix it”
“make it better”


I’ll scream to you on my death bed

  I know you lack the power.
you can’t stitch me back together
but neither of us will leave either

and that’s what makes things beautiful.

the pull of every part of my body
Wants to listen to your words
  How you feel, where you are,
Because it feels like we've been separated lately and it burns sometimes

But you're gone.
I've witnessed your absence yet I continue to believe your hunger lingers here
But you're gone
I can see the sparkle in your eye in the teeth of someone else's smile
Yet I feel my lips curl and attempt the stealing of that world I was so close to witnessing
So close to resting in
Until all at once
You were gone

for even the good guy


who's no good

Deep in the mustard of fairy tales
And thanks to my imagination , I'm a muggle in a tangle of daydreams

Someone, please, reach Into this sandwiched mess of hope scribbled in permanent marker and
Rip
The thoughts that fog the city lights and clarify the stars above my head
Because I fear if I keep pretending not to believe I'll realize
And all I've ever been afraid of will never come Alive

I used to sit for hours and twirl my hair
So I cut it off
I used to nervously lick my lips
So I coated them with gas
I used to wake up in the morning and crave a  cup of coffee
So I broke all my cups

I used to love you
So I ran away

Inspired by @mckenziekohls

My feelings for you don't **** me off

They make me scratch my head, that's for sure
They make me itch like a maniac
  Yet frustration lays at it's heavy level
Far from the lightness of my eyelashes, slowly blinking in an out the image of natures key holes
Playing in the pupils of your eye

Something daunts me about a man that can come across a homeless
Without sharing a dime

I gave half
And guilt tickles my fingers

What does half a bridge do
For a body's need to cross waters

As I hold this bitter cup of coffee
In my still aching fingers
I wish I could spit it out and fill my brain with it

I sweep back to the corner
Of wrinkled blue hands
Holding last ounces of boarded hope
But only coldness lingers here

Kneeling down I skip breaths in seek of God's forgiveness
And as I whisper words
I promise to next give my all
And while were at it take my shoes
  And the golden watch here on my dry ***** wrist
For we all know it belongs on a wall
Take my book- and here's this poem
So that maybe our shrunken World
Isnt so selfish afterall

I can't take another heart whiplash
   Sudden stop of love

I want to hold my own
I want to take off my coat and warm the goosebumps on my arms
With my own blood

I walked toward the piano
And ran my fingers on its keys
He looked at me with wonder
Raised his eyebrow
Squinched his cheeks
I smiled and awnsered
"its my only escape"
"Can I be your escape" he whispered too quickly to be thought over
I couldn't figure out if he meant it or just felt it in his throat
But I took a breath, thought little thoughts and
"Sure"
I replied
With some sort of absance of the emptiness inside

Then I saw your happiness
And I died a little
Because I used to be the purpose  of your success
And I used to be the influence of that
Beautifully torturing smile

No voice will satisfy my hearing at this point

No breath can refill the air in my lungs      

No touch can warm the blistering cold in my skin

No promise can do the undone

None of this is enough
Not is it now
Nor will it ever be

Can we choose what to remember
For if so I choose this moment
Although I share this air with no other being
And weep and cry in the seconds before
I know notice these lights that lie on green
And the reflection of them on the ceiling
Now no guilt clogs my throat
Only the sudden urge to sing
A song for the snow
A tune just to feel how beautiful it is
That I'm breathing

I've never felt it like this
Something jumped inside of me
An emotion, a rope, a demon possibly

Someone please help
Someone. Anyone.   please

If you'd take my lungs and pump them up
I've forgotten how to breath

You'll love her because she'll destroy you, call you king, and steal your crown. Build you a castle to tear it down.
Little by little. Until you've become a puzzle
And she's swallowed a missing piece

And suddenly all my moments scream your name
But you feel no need to open ear
There was so many beautiful things I noticed before I knew you
Like gentle floating lights on each house's rooftop at night
But now I only imagine you underneath them
Or clean white sheets after a long day of being unmade or unrested in
Now I only imagine you tangled in
them
I swear I've never felt so much
Because no one is like you but everyone is
You're all my foolish little mind can see in all the beautiful faces

I only cry for my heart
I always make it about how badly my heart hurts

But for you?
It's like I no longer have one...a heart.
I just steal yours and hook it up to my body

I love to feel your pain

My bare leg brushes the corner of this empty blanket and I imagine your cold toes icing the skin of my calf
I began to count the days but the higher numbers made this dream feel familiar so I stopped
Click
Click
Click
What will words do for an unrested body
What will lines do for a torn apart stuck together vein pumping nothing but some sort of lie to keep itself from stopping completely

Forget whatever I just said
Anyway it was a fine day

Steps
Creak creak creak
And I pretend I'm asleep
But oh, that doesn't matter.
For I haven't fulfilled your pride quite yet
I have still to state how wrong I am
To fill your emptiness
So mother beat me with your words and come back moments later with your assistance because I can't hate you.
No.
You have to take every bit of confidence from me and then make me feel guilty for being angry so yet again I eat my whole being with my mind
Mock my tears
Wipe them from my cheeks
and then slap them dry
Your mind games will be the death of me
And then feel bad for yourself because you continually lose
Don't worry about my soul,,
No, only cry for the families bringing casserole and patting your back.
Because that's where you find comfort.  
  In other people's brokenness

I'm sorry . How selfish of me.
Forgive me and please let me sleep

i prefer a room filled with darkness over a lighted one. i can’t think under the sun, it yells and screams and forces itself to be noticed. The heat suffocates me.
But when it rains, nature is nourished. When it rains, the sky stops pretending to give off all this energy that it truly doesn’t contain, it takes a deep breath and says “okay, okay, I’m sad.”
And crys.

i hear all kinds of people talking about happiness like its the only answer, the ultimate goal.
But to me it just seems like an act.
my happiness isn’t like most people’s happiness. My happiness isn’t a smile, or a wink
Or a giggle or a chirp
Or a high-five or a holler. Those things don’t appeal to me. my happiness is a gaze. A symphony of violins. A sunset. Silence.
my happiness always has this hint,
although sometimes very faint,
of sadness

*******
And all your
"Medicines" too

I remember having a thought
6:58 AM
I rose and tucked it back behind the blankets

After slumber, uncomfortably searching for peace I rose a second time and crispness in the air reminded me of morning

6:58 AM
So close to seven
Almost fully something new
Somehow-although everything does- that reminded me of you

It's funny that I sit and imagine their comfort
When nobody wonders what I do here on the second floor
Alone , cold, beaten
My mind is swallowing my whole body and nobody even feels a thought of questioning sprawl across their spines
Nobody wonders
Nobody has the energy to linger in the thoughts of someone else

For as long as I live
I will know the coldness of hands
Without another to shade the piercing wind

I will imagine the shortness of breath
The slight meaningful movements
That turn my cheeks red

For as long as I live
I will dream of slowed moments
And deny it so
Because never will I know
The reality of it at all

I hate that some people create the idea that poems have to have structure

Can't something just be completely raw
And intricate and beautifully unorganized without the World trying to conform it into being utterly and equally as boring as everything else

There's some sort of victory in silence
The strongest feelings have no explanation
I wish I could think about you
Simply rest you in the back of my mind
But its worse than that
I can feel you in my bones
Through my veins
Your words pump with my blood
Thats just it
Your words
empty promises
That somehow I find comfort in

All I ever wanna do

Is walk cracked streets
On sunny days
Inhale the breeze
And exhale a phrase

"Oh God"
I think
Now I miss you.
That's the first step you know, to ******* heartbreak.
******.
Nothing ever feels completely mine , and you especially will tell my heart to put that to the test.
But no. You know what? No more experiments. The conclusion is too much, the variables are too abundant