Maybe the pain on the outside is easier to deal with,
Because we know how to fix it.
Cold water for a burn and an ice pack for a bruise,
A bandage for a cut and kisses for little boo-boos,
Cough medicine for a cold and casts for broken bones.
Insides are harder though-
What's the cure for feeling alone?
Maybe I hurt my outsides because I know I can fix those.
But when it comes to all the awful things I feel inside, I've no clue.
And I can tell neither do you.
You think I'm mad because I make slits in my skin.
Well at least I know how to heal them.

Lately you just look at me- like I'm the worst.
And that ***** cuz the only approval I ever wanted was yours.
All I do lately is make you so angry,
So come on please tell me, what am I missing?
Did I just forget something?
Or have I ****** up everything?
Oh, I hate when you're mad at me.
It doesn't lose it's affect because you're angry perpetually.
Trying so hard to please,
I'm begging you for mercy.
Your "dead to me" looks hurt enough to **** me.
You know you've done some bad things too.
Much worse than me, and I still love you.

When I asked for you not to be so disappointed in me,
You just laughed bitterly.
I must pay a million times over for one tiny slip, a lapse, a small sin.
When I said I was on the edge you called me a liar- again.

I swear to God I'm trying.
May he strike me if I'm lying.
Today I didn't even want to come home.
I'm working myself to the bone-
And for nothing.
What have I done to make you distrust me so?
Maybe I could make you stop hating me if I could know-
Why?
Was there ever so desperate a soul as I?
Groveling over the smallest faults on my knees.
Doing everything I can to make you forgive me-
For whatever I've done.
The flames of your distaste burns hotter than the sun.
Sorry I'm a disappointment.
All those awful things you said, I'll just assume you didn't mean it.

You're my source of love, my only source of light.
But I know one day you'll **** me and you know that's not right.
Too hot to the touch,
Too distant to feel your love.

There's a faint heat bearing down on my heart,
And I know as I get closer you wait to tear my world apart.
You give life just as easily as pain.
Your core contradictions, are driving me insane.

The greater you are, the more dangerous you'll be.
The more likely to consume a soul like me.

You count the days.
For pride, for shame.
Since you last ran that sharp edge across your skin,
In abandonment of everything.
Each time you stop you promise you'll never do it again.
Ten days, well that's something.

It's obviously eating you inside.
I want you to be able to say you stopped with pride.
Two weeks since the last time.
You're addicted to slicing yourself and that's the crime-
Hurting someone so lovely.
She doesn't deserve it, trust me.

One month since you last cut into yourself.
Tell me, does the counting help?

Fifty days since you dug into your skin.
Then you're back to zero once again.

Dark souls.
Eyes half closed-
A melody from the river.
Whispered softly,
The tune comes to me,
And I shiver.

The doves asleep tonight,
The devil owns this night.
Sing this song for the trodden.
For we refuse to be forgotten.

My eyes have always been this dark but have they always been this dead?
Can't you see my demons are holding me hostage from their base inside my head?
You're killing me by doing what you think is best.
This may be an overreaction but you're the catalyst.

I act off-putting so no one will get close enough to hurt me.
Who have I become?
I think I was naturally sweet and cheery.

Melancholy lullabies.
New expression in your eyes.
Sad and lonely,
Soft and lovely-
Somehow at the same time.

Comforting as acid rain,
You can see me feel your pain.
Hush now love, put those away.
Find your strength it's here to stay.

Melancholy lullabies.
Now you cut off all your ties.
Skipping meals like they were stones.
Hearing madness in your tone.

Finding hope in new-found ways.
Smiling while you feel the pain.
Words so soft you cannot hear.
Chin up darling, I am here.

You say the world is flooded and you can't breathe.
And you lost your oxygen tank so now you're drowning.
Well that's okay, just hold onto me.
I'll pull your head up above the sea.
I'll introduce you to the breeze.
I'll teach you how to swim.
And most important,
I'll help you breathe without him.

It hurt so much when you said I should hate you.
Cuz that's the problem, I still care so much about you.
You're an idiot, you're selfish,
You say I'm stupid but you're the one who's foolish.
You said you were terrified-
That things would change, that you'd hurt me.
Well now you can't look me in the eyes,
Ever since you said we weren't something that's lasting.
I asked what I did, what made you so unhappy?
You used the old cliché "Babe, it's not you, it's surely just me."

It's one in the morning.
And I am not sleeping.
While everyone else is cozy and dreaming-
I am tossing and turning.
Fuming and yearning.
For your touch,
For your taste,
To hold your hand,
Look at your face.
I should go to bed,
I should get you out of my head.
But I can't.
Because it's 1:30,
And you still haven't spoken to me,
Not in weeks.
Just to be clear,
I want this to be the last thing I ever write about the first man I held so dear.
I want to not think about you anymore,
I'll move on with my life and you'll move on with yours.

I wish that I was a better artist so I could draw the evil images behind my eyelids.
I wish I could see why I've been denied happiness.
I wish I wasn't so plain.
I wish I were a better poet,
so I could write my pain.
And spin something beautiful from it.
I wish I believed in wishing,
I wish I'd found hope in something-
Anything.
But most of all, I wish you would see that I'm trying.

Her peers would've pronounced her
"Fat, stupid, ugly.
Useless, annoying, crazy."
Her parents would claim she was
"Immature, lazy, and meek.
Troubled, moping, and weak."
Her ex would say she seemed
"Desperate, lonely, and sad." He'd say that since he dumped her she'd gone half mad.
Her friends may've told you she was
"Broken, scared, depressed-" well I think you could guess at the rest.
Her therapist said she wasn't doing very well.
Then the doctors sighed there was no more they could do to help.
Her angel said she came too soon to his loving arms, but know that now she is safe far from all harm.

Every word out my mouth is a cry for help.
"Oh someone please save me from this hell!"
Or at least bring me a ladder so I'll be able to break free of this mental cell.
When it's too late, I know what they'll say.
I know what they'll say because I hear the like every single day.
"Maybe she did cry out but I didn't hear her,"
You didn't see the words written on my mirror?
"I guess didn't see that the warning signs were all there."
Maybe that's because you didn't care.
No one hears over the façade my fake smile and mirthless laugh blare.
If you just bothered to look a little closer or pay attention you'd see.
You'd see that I'm dead inside and that's not even something I'm trying all that hard to hide.
Can you really not see I'm unhappy?
Did you believe I was joking when I said I wished to die?
Did I really do so well in covering up the million cuts on my thigh?
Every night did you not hear me cry?
I told you but you chose not to listen.
So don't act like you didn't know I was broken.

I dreamt of monsters with eyes like two open wounds.
They had long bone-white claws meant for wreaking havoc and doom.
They came in hoards-
Creeping right toward my door.
But I did not fear them.
Because as I turned I knew I was a beast far worse than any of my demons.

I've told you a million times I believe in your dreams-
But not in the ones that haunt you in your sleep.
Those silly premonitions you truly believe,
I swear will be the death of me.
You awoke inside me a glowing flame,
And then for my strong feelings you put me to shame.
You broke my heart over a misunderstanding.
And it leaves me wondering-
Did you ever really care for me?

There's a first time for everything.
First love-
First kiss,
First real relationship.
First time I knew you were looking right through me.
First time I doubted you,
First time I questioned the motives for the things you do.
First moment I suspected you didn't love me.
(First time you proved that theory)
First time I knew you thought I was inferior to thee.
First time you yelled at me.
First time you touched me and it wasn't lovingly.
First time you pulled away from a kiss and then wouldn't look me in the eyes.
First time I knew some of what you said would still be just lies.
First time I could see myself building a life with another person.
First time I loved freely without needing permission.
First time I thought you were different.
First time I realized you were just like the rest of them.
Remember the first time you got so afraid I was going to leave?
First time you made me cry, first of oh so many.
First time you hugged me.
First time you spoke without love or sincerity.
First time you said you missed me.
Our first, and our last, anniversary.
First time I prayed for a cardiectamy.
First time you told me I wasn't special or smart.
First time someone ever broke my heart.

I've been staring at you all day, my lonely little scar;
The first I ever made on myself,
And the deepest by far.
I made you two nights ago with tears running down my eyes.
I made you when I didn't care whether I was dead or alive.
Lonely awful cut on my thigh;
Now you've collected some friends and you add up to five.
You're my secret.
If anyone ever sees you I'll be on suicide watch, again.
I made you because I'm weak,
And I am too afraid of my own voice to even speak-
In my defense.
And I cannot alone bear all my inner demons.
I guess that's why I cut you out some friends.
See, my parents say I'm normal-
Like they don't know I'm crazy.
My old boyfriend said I'd be okay-
But he was one of the main ones to hurt me.
**** it all, I just want to be happy.
Momma says I'm lazy,
And daddy's not so worried about me,
Cuz they don't know the half of it.
I am ever just trying so hard to please them.
Why would I tell them they've got such a ****** up kid?
I watched my blood trickle down like rain,
And it took my mind off the pain.
I made my outsides match my insides.
Little slice in my skin, why do you think I made you somewhere I could hide?
Would it help anyone at all if I admit I'm not better?
Is it still a cry for help if it's just a whisper?
Or if I don't tell anyone?
They can't ever know what I've done.
So I'll write it in a poem,
So I'll never need to tell them.
And I promise it'll be one of the worst things I've ever written,
Cuz for once I don't feel this in words, just raw emotion.
Lonely little scar,
No one can know but I'm falling apart.

Why hold on?
If what little we had- is already gone?
I was told to make a list, of all of your rights and wrongs.
If you came out ahead,
We should work for what we have.
If you were still in the red,
Then our relationship was dead.
But you came out precisely even,
And I'm unsure of that meaning.
So I don't know,
Where our love is meant to go.
But I do know you want a fresh start,
And I don't know if it matters to you anymore that you leaving would break my fragile heart.
If you're just waiting for this to end please just tell me now,
And spare me the extra pain of holding on to someone who is already gone.
But just know I'd do anything to make us work,
I really don't care about your insecurities and all your little quirks.

Christianity:
Love everybody, no matter what;
If they're homosexual or even a ****,
It doesn't matter what life they lead.
Help your fellow man if he's in need,
You really needn't add to your growing greed.
Jesus said the most important thing in the world is love,
And that we should be kind to others even if they're not kind to us.
We've all sinned and we're all equal in God's eyes,
So mistakes of someone's past are no excuse for us to despise.
We know we are all children of The Lord,
So we should love every last person in this world.

Bigotry**:
If they're different, they're evil.
If it scares me, it's from the devil.
If I feel uncomfortable about something done by my fellow men,
Then surely it must be a sin.
Always judge, always be intolerant.
I think I'm moral, but I'm just ignorant.

Sharing headphones, secrets, and dreams. It's one of my favorite memories. Remember when we told each other everything? Every thought late at night, all the sounds beneath the bed that gave us a fright. I thought I'd always have you till the end. More than sister, you were my best friend.

Whispers beneath blankets in the back seat. That those days are gone I still cannot believe. You understood her hatred, we were each others' saviors. But now my favorite person is just a distant stranger, and that kills me. I lost you gradually, you faded till you were gone. And all of sudden, I realized I was all alone.

You just didn't come back one day, it was as simple as that to leave. I know why you did it but I hope you still miss me. Cuz I miss you, I always do. When I hear the songs you got me into, when I'm alone and I just wanna be near you. Oh. Why'd you have to go? And leave me all alone.

I hate, oh I hate, that its awkward now between us. She's driven us both away with the petty things she does- but she still pulled us away from each other. Thanks for that, mother. Oh, my sister, my old best friend, I beg of you, come back again. Cuz I need you so. Oh why'd you go? And why'd I do the same? Just about three years later and neither of us is to blame.

Our silent understanding, we could tell what the other was thinking, without even speaking. One look, and we knew. If I had one wish, I'd wish I never lost you. I knew every time you left you'd be back soon, you'd never leave me alone.

Until one day, few months, a couple years, you didn't come home. I was in denial, soon you'd be back, then you'd laugh at me for doubting and give me your brightest smile. Silly child. It was for more than just a little while.

I hate, you should know I hate, that its awkward now between us. She's pushed us away with hate but she still pulled us away from each other. Thanks so much for that, mother. Oh, my sister, my old best friend, I beg of you, come back again. Cuz I, I need you so. Oh why'd you have to go?

He wrote about a girl who was perfect.
With the whitest smile and flowing brown hair,
Eyes like diamonds she looked lovely no matter what she'd wear.
Everything went her way-
she didn't know what it was to have a bad day.

When I read that I knew I wasn't perfect,
More broken than he thought.
When I struggled to hold back the tears in my eyes
he just smiled and continued to talk.
He knew I was broken.
He'd have known if I never told him.
He once looked me in the eyes and told me he knew I wasn't joking-
when I said I couldn't stand the pain.
So how couldn't he see?
When he was standing right in front of me?
I told him I was an ugly crier.
He told me I was a liar.
So beautiful, so oblivious, so mild.
When my life was falling apart he was the only one who could make me smile.

I love you.
But not in the way it's been rumored that the both of us tend to do.
I love you because you're always there for me.
I love you because when I crash and burn you tell me it'll work out perfectly, just wait and see.
I love you the way I loved my sister before she went away.
I love you the way I would've loved my mother if she'd cared for me in any way.
I don't love you the way I was cruelly fated to love he who hurt you.
I love you the way children do;
Innocently,
Because you're the only one who truly understands me.
When I'm crying,
When I feel like dying,
You tell me I'm strong enough and that I deserve to be happy,
And that you love me.

Sometimes I sit in my room and try to cry quietly.
Because that way no one will hear me.
I try to be silent with my tears,
because someone knowing how weak I am seems to be my biggest fear.
But there's also a part of me that wishes they would.
Then maybe someone would care, and help, and make me feel understood.
But since that's so unlikely,
I'll keeping crying quietly,
Hoping no one will notice me.

What is this feeling? You came crashing in. Are you a blessing, or my ******? I wanna give you a lap dance, I wanna give you cute kisses. I wanna be your *****, I wanna be your misses. Won't you buy me flowers? I wanna hold your hand. I love being your girl, and you are my man. You are so gentle, and baby you're so sweet. I can't believe, you're so good to me. I love to nuzzle close, when you hold me tight. We lay under the stars, and we talk all night.

You say praying is useless, and we disagree on this. And you say there's no point in wishing, but I wished for you. You were so nervous, but my wish came true.

I had never thought, I had never dreamed, that there'd be someone so perfect, and all for me. I loved how you got when I called you ****. You are my love, I will hold you closely.

Dear daddy, you said not to give away my whole heart. But it's a little too late, I loved him right from the start, from that very first date. I know you're worried about your baby girl. And you think I'm too good for every boy in this world. He'll never be good enough in your fatherly eyes, even if he's just shy of perfect, in mine.

No matter who comes along, I know you loved me first. Yeah daddy don't worry, I'll always be your little girl.
You say when you held me in the hospital you cried "She's so beautiful!" And from that first moment, we've been inseparable. Dad. You've been here to hold me through the good and bad. When mother made cry, you dried my tears. When I got scared of the dark, you calmed my fears.

You said I was the Wingnut that held your life together. I don't think I could've asked for a much better father. To teach me about the world. No matter who comes along, I know you loved me first. Yeah, I'm still your little girl.

No boy will ever change that- yeah he'd fail if he tried. You've been the one who's always here by my side.

When one day he comes to the front porch to you and mom. I hope you remember what I said in this very song. When he asks for my hand, you tell him yes but to remember he's not the first man, to've lived, to love me. You were first yeah weren't you daddy? Tell him that even though he's come along to take your baby girl, no matter what happens, you can still say you loved me first. See I gave away all of my heart. There's a place for him, for mom and my brother, and especially for you, the first man to ever hold me in his arms. So don't worry, cuz dad he makes me happy, he swore he'll never hurt me- and I believe him completely. He's not come to take me away, he's come to join me from this to the end of my days. And when I inevitably come home I'll still say "I've found the love of my life and he's lovely, but I know you loved me first. Yeah daddy don't worry, I'll always be Your Little Girl."

Would you still love me if I were illiterate?
Would you still love me if I were a *****?
Would you still love me if I were much different?
Do you still love me anymore?

Yeah would you still love me if I went insane?
Would you love better me if I weren't such a pain?
Would you still love me if I got fat as a hippo?
Would you still kiss me from the top of my head to the tips of my toes?

Would you still love me if I went off my meds?
Would you try to help me on the days I can't get out of bed?
When my heart feels to heavy to let my lungs breathe,
Would you still tell me that you love me?

Who I am, that doesn't matter. I've told you my name before but you wouldn't remember. You don't care and I don't blame you. If your friends saw someone as alone as me they'd avoid them too.

I'm just the girl crying in the stairwell. With secrets and stories to tell. But I'd rather be away from you and your judgmental eyes, that's why I came here where I won't listen to your lies. No more. I've lost all hope, my only cure.

I'm so miserable, you find that pitiable. But it's not your problem so you needn't be bothered- with it. I am different than you, and that's scary. You don't know how to handle that so you choose to shun me. I'm not judgmental, I'm not fake, and I don't care what you and your stupid friends think. That's so odd isn't it? That someone should just wanna be herself? But look where that got her, she's here in the stairwell crying all by herself.

I dreamt I was being consumed by the sea,
Everyone watched and the only person who didn't care was me.
I dreamt my life ended in the sea,
And for some reason that made me happy.

In my favorite movie they say that "love and hate are two horns on the same goat" and I never got that until I loved you.
Because I don't just love you, sometimes I hate you a little bit too.
Sometimes you make me so **** mad I could scream and throw things at your head.
But most of the time I just wanna cuddle close and kiss you instead.
Sometimes you're so judgmental with such a closed mind.
Even though you're usually pretty accepting and oh so kind.
Sometimes you have this awful superiority complex.
But usually I'm the one who is telling you you're the best.
Sometimes you're closed off, selfish and mean.
But most of the time your honest love and laughter is my favorite thing.
It would be an understatement to say we don't always see eye-to-eye.
But at the end of the day I think you're lovely and I'm glad you're all mine.
You see, hating you and the thought of us ruining what we have fills me with fear.
But my God it is so worth loving you,
my dear.

I always heard your first kiss is magical and it'll take your breath away. Mine was confusing because your lips were there and I hadn't had time to process, I was just thinking "what did he say?"
I'm sorry I was so shocked by what was happening I pulled away. I had no idea what was going on, and it actually didn't last very long. The truth is, it was awkward as hell. But it was you, so in a way it was magical as well. I want you to know I'm glad my first kiss was you, maybe we'll get it right on kiss number two.

I'd hate to think you're the reason for his perfect smile. If you keep going on like this, I can't help but cry. He was so perfect- please don't ruin him. If you let this all go, we could just pretend. Oh, my dear, you used to be my best friend. Now you just like use my sweet friend. The poor guy, taken in by overly-made up eyes. You're obvious. But so delirious, if you think I've given up, just because you think you've won. You are terribly wrong- we'll just blame your low IQ. I'd hate to be anything like you.

I just can't look at you, without seeing all the things you put me through. That's just not what good friends do. You know I'm just too good for you.

You don't get to see me cry. I'm doing my best not to be betrayed by telltale eyes. Don't try to make me feel bad for my feelings. I'm not the one involved in deceitful dealings. I trusted you with my secrets, should've known you'd never keep them. Oh, lost *****. You won't hear from me much more. Everyone is taking my side, and I'll watch all your shallow friendships die. I hope they were worth seeing me cry. So kiss your reputation goodbye as you kiss him. Enjoy it, I won't see it happen again.

When you feel bad, I'll be ever so glad. Cuz, oh, you don't deserve to make me this sad. Any normal person'd feel like dirt. But you love seeing others hurt. Enjoy your victory. I'll cover up I'm so unhappy.

I just can't look at you, without seeing all the things you put me through. That's just not what good friends do. You know he's just too good for you. I know he'll figure that out soon.

Don't try and make them pick sides- cuz they already picked me. You're alone, dear, don't you see? You are your very worst enemy.

I know your scars are gone, but you can see them still. No matter what I do, I'm sure you always will. But I'll still hold your hand, and tell you I'm right here. I'll never leave, I won't desert you dear. If you hold me close, I won't ask for more. I'll stay by your side, for rich or for poor.

I promise I'll be here to tell you you're beautiful when you wanna see yourself bleed. Because I love you so much, you're all I'll ever need. I've always seen past the lies, I can see the sadness in your sweet grey eyes. And that face you make when you're in pain, as though to say "Its alright, I'm just not okay". Well I'm here now, so you can rest easy. I swear you'll never be caused any pain by me. You say the past is in the past but I can tell you still feel it deep down within. Well now I'm here to make sure it won't bother you again.

You asked why I think you're so great. Because you're sweet and you're funny and you make me feel like it'll be okay. You say that's nothing, and you only treat me the way I deserve. Well I just want you to know, I'm so happy to be yours.

Getting all dolled up- for a night, of disappointments. Painting a smile on your lips, wearing your best dress- trying oh so hard so no one you're depressed. The girl with the pretty smile, and the bloodshot eyes- so red cuz she's been crying all night. But you'd never know it. Cuz she'd never show it.

She fixes her hair with the hand of an artist, she's the brushed-off girl, the boys have never kissed.

She's got scars on her wrist, can't see her own loveliness. Only sees it in others, she hopes she'll never become her mother. She's so kind but I swear she's half blind, with the way she sees herself. I see how broken she is and I try all I can to help. Cuz I know her hell. I've been there and it's a scary place. It leaves you with that awful taste.

Darling, I just wanted to tell you you're beautiful. Despite the funhouse mirrors and the hurtful people. You've got your battle scars and they look great on you. I know the feeling, I'm right there with you.

Having the same old conversations but adding nothing new. You've had enough of me and I'm ******* done with you. We just fight and you cry and I feel like the bad guy- then we start again. I don't even remember when we were friends.

You get so off track and I try to pull you back. But then you act all sad, and it makes me feel bad. Settle down, why can't you just calm down? What can I do to make you come around? You're spiraling out of control. You're not making any sense, you know. If I'm more a hindrance than a help I'll have to let you go. On your own.

I'm gonna punch you in the face if you won't shut up. Dude, I've had enough. Yeah you know we've been having the same old conversations and adding nothing new. You're getting fed up with me and I'm so **** tired of you.

Say it again, I know you'll say it again. You'll tell me you love me, you think maybe this time it will mean something. But you're way off, you're so illusioned and scoff- when I tell you your empty declarations don't mean a thing- to me.

You're so extreme, you're just a male drama queen. You drink and drive to risk your life, then brush me off and tell me you're fine. You're a danger to yourself and everyone around you. I don't know how to react when you're in these moods. Shut up. Just let me think. I don't know if I can pull you back, when you're reaching for the brink. I can't stop you if you're determined to sink. There's only so much I can do, before I'll be forced to give up on you. I'm trying so **** hard to save you but you're making it impossible. I can't fix you on my own, you give me no help at all.

Within a month you told me "Baby I love you so". You were the first boy who ever told me that, this you know. And this won't be the first time, and before I waste another line, I've got to tell you no. And you know why, cuz you're insane and clingy and I'm a waste of your time. Time to be disillusioned darling, cuz you're way too needy!-And I'm pleading- let me go.

So this is how I'm telling you to move on. I wrote you another ****** song. And I know, that it was really ******, so cold and mean of me, to say it to you this way. But I won't regret a single word I say. So move on. Trust me you'll feel better when I'm gone.

You think I'm so sweet, your perfect sugarplum. Well babe how can that be true when all I do is make you glum? You want to hold me tight but you make me want to punch you every single night. Oh thank God, you'll never be mine.

So this is how I'm telling you to move on with your life. I wrote you a ****** song so you'd listen up this time. And I know, that it was so **** ******, so cold of me, to put it to you this way. But I won't regret a single thing I've said today. Just move on. Trust me you'll feel better when I'm gone.

So take a word of advice, I won't sugarcoat it or say it nice. You really gonna make tell you twice? To move on!

You don't love me, don't be absurd. You think you're the only one who was ever hurt? You're so selfish, so ******* demanding. You asked too much of me so I'm telling you I'm done. Forever! I wipe my hands of you as friend or as lover. To tell you the truth, I never wanted either.

And now I'm telling you, to move, the ****, on. Yeah all I did was write you a really ****** song.
And I know, that it was really ******, so cold and mean of me, to tell you in this way. But you're annoying as hell, dumb and whiney as well. You think I'm nice, but just hear my last advice: leave me alone. Bye-bye, you'll be better once you move on. Yeah leave me alone.

So I jump on a plane! at seven o eight. And I try to make sense of actin insane. I don't know what you've done to me, but it just feels right. Baby I'll be yours, by the end of the night.  And I'm followin you! half across the world just to tell you I'll be your favorite girl! if you'll just take my hand. You could be my only man. Baby please take this chance- for me to follow you. To the ends of this earth! But please don't let me find you, staying with her.  Don't let it be true! What else can I do? So I'm comin to tell you, that Baby I Love You Too!

I sit here and remember the good times. All our laughs and smiles. Your sweet face, fills this place. And suddenly, I'm not so alone.

Forever and always, you stood there and you swore to me. It was not a lie, oh I believe you baby. What I've heard of you, well that just can't be true! God I'm done if that's your will. It would be just so crazy, to think you'd treat me that way. Or am I crazy for believing you still?

But I-I've been, fallin in love, while you were fallin for her. And I can feel you slipping, right through my fingers and into the arms of another girl.

So I'm on the plane tonight at eight. Trying to convince myself, everything's okay. And that you'll be waiting, waitin at the gate. Waitin alone. Just, to see my face! I want to be, your only girl! Baby come back with me, don't bother with her!

Few minutes too late! is the way it always goes. Baby, what are you doing? Thought I was the one you chose! First! So then why are you with her?!

So I'm on the plane at ten fifty-eight. Trying to convince myself, everything's okay. And I can't expect you to wait, wait faithfully for me. All I wanted was to be, your only girl! Baby come back to me, don't bother with her!

I know beggars can't be choosers and lovers can't be liars. I raced back to you, defying the miles. But I got a great surprise, to see the detachment in your eyes. I cannot bear to see her there, where I once stood. And I would take it all back, if only I could. I miss you more than you could ever know, and I think of you showing off to impress me whenever I see the snow. Cuz that when I started to know, where this thing could go. But now there's no hope. So I'm letting you go.

I am numb. I heard what she said but my mind went dumb. Was I shocked my worst fears had come true? Shouldn't I have been sad my life was in pieces and there was nothing I could do? Everything I'd worked for, everything I'd loved- this was my only constant and now it's all torn up.

I've been told we're never given more we can handle but this is too much for me. I can't even show emotion when my heart is breaking. I've never had it easy, and I've never been happy. I guess I just don't expect those things. But I had ONE thing, just one. That was kept sacred, one single source of love. Now that's gone too and I'm too ****** up- to react. It seems every time I try to get up life knocks me onto my back.

I can feel the ground collapsing beneath my feet. But I'll stay perfectly still, don't move, don't scream. Just stand there and try to breathe.

Maybe you do love me, maybe you're only half lies. Maybe there's a small part of you somewhere that sees me. as more than just a means-to get to the things you think you need. And maybe what little you give is all you have when it comes to love. Maybe, just maybe. But that's not enough.

You made me think that I was not enough- never even worthy of your insufficient love. You made me spend my whole life believing I was faulty, inadequate, broken. With everything you did- actions and words unspoken.

Not good enough, smart enough, not skinny enough, not pretty enough. Not perfect enough to qualify by what was expected of us. And if I wasn't enough for you to love, someone else doing so would be undreamed of. To cut it short, you ****** me up. Now I have no idea who I am because-

You made me think that I was not enough- never even worthy of your insufficient love. You made me spend my whole life believing I should be hidden, stored upon the shelf. With everything you did- all your awful things kept to yourself.

I was the first you made, now I'm a mess you've made. If I believed you could change even now it'd be too late. The damage is done, neither of us has won. I didn't well enough serve your purpose and I'm still being punished for it.

I was promised my freedom for years and it was just a dream. Some constant reminder of my forced dependence you could dangle upon a string. All you wanted was to hold me back and all I wanted was to run free. Well I'm finally doing it without you, despite what you say I'm breaking through. For once in my life I'll be actually happy. Maybe for the rest of my life I'll figure out what it is to be me.

You made me think that I was not enough- never even worthy of your insufficient love. You would still make me think that I am faulty, inadequate, broken. With everything you do- actions and words unspoken.

No longer need I be scared of you, no longer shall I go through things no one should ever have to. You can't ever again make me feel like I'm not enough- because I don't care- I've found another source of comfort and love, and I wouldn't expect you to be there.

The word is tainted. A word that means love, for someone there to defend. It's an honor from above. Yet for you it's a weapon. For your defense, not mine. So you can smile for the public and stab me from behind. Meaning eternal love and tenderness. Not meant for such hatred and excuses. I am a tool for your use, and its too easy for you to cover up your abuse. I hear you were supposed to nourish, not see how secretly you could watch me perish. You should've shown me support, but you preferred to break my heart-
So mother dear please listen. I'll take up some of your time for myself and then. You'll maybe understand-why this is happenin. Don't make yourself the victim, for we both know that is not who you really are. You've been the center of attention. But this time I won't let you go that far


Did you ever love me?-Didn't think so.
Society would say I'm just being dramatic, and it's absolutely horrific, for me to talk like this. Well for once, yes just this once I'd like an opinion. I would like all to see how you've really been. Disillusionment's a *****.

And ****, I can feel my brain as it's breaking. And it's a march through hell- every single moment I spend waking. Don't look to some suspicious cause for what's killed me- for we all know by now that it's my stupid life that ails me. I'm on the brink of giving up, what's a life without love? Condescend to the rest of us- and share your secret of what's enough.

What if everything about my life is a waste of time? Why try to thrive if I won't survive? If you want to try and save me just bear with me as I scream. Broken sobs to match broken dreams, I can feel myself lose my grip on everything. My body's just slowly collapsing. I only sleep so much because the only place I find peace is in my dreams. If it's all a waste of time, why suffer through a life, that can't bring me happiness? I'm getting so **** tired of this.

Show to me the man who has never been sad and I will pity him. For to never feel loss, you'll've never had anything great to lose. To've never cried is to've never loved. If you were never rejected, you never cared enough to reach, try, and fail.

You know I don't even cry anymore. For I have no more tears to stain the floor. In this hell you call a home. It's too bad what you've become. Were you ever sane? No one will a soul could ever act this way. And it's not okay- the way you treat the helpless things you've made. If it was your goal to break me, well good job- I'm broken. I just pray you won't do the same to them. For they still have their spirits. So please don't destroy it. They can be your golden ones, and I'll be the scapegoat. Just swear they won't go through what I did. I can already see it begin. If you had a soul you'd let me go. If you have a heart, you would just skip this part. We should both know how this will end, you drive me more away with each hateful message you send.

Oh dear brother, please don't lecture me. With the best intentions, but you're so naïve. You don't know, how far you are from the truth. I bet you believe, every lie she told you. I'm not your enemy, I'm not the bad guy here. So please out of respect, won't you lend me your ear? What reason could you have to not trust, these words I say? I'm sure her lies got in the way.

Oh dear brother, please don't lecture me. With your best intentions, but you're so naïve.  I bet you believe, every lie she fed you. I'm not your enemy, I'm not the villain here. So please out of respect, won't you lend me your ear? What reason could you have to not trust, these words I say? I'm sure her lies got in the way. Well listen up and hear the truth in my voice. You and I have just been her pawns without a choice. Happiness is just the path we yearned for. I'm not playing her game anymore- cuz I
Want my own life. I'll live it just fine, on my own. And this will be the best example I've ever known, of too much control.

I do not fear death, only the uncertainty of what the end brings.
I do not fear pain, I've become nearly accustomed to anything.
I only fear life, having to keep going on this way.
I fear continuing-
for what I'm doing can't be living anyway.
I believe there's a heaven, I believe there's a hell.
I'm not sure if what the end brings for me will be of any help.
Maybe it is just an end.
No more pain, no more joy,
no more enemies, and no more friends.
A nothingness.
An emptiness.
Sounds peaceful, if only shy of bliss.

I didn't just want you for your perfect body. Your sweet light eyes are just as lovely. And your laugh is so adorable. And if you thought your looks were all I had loved- well that'd be horrible. I love the way you smell, I love the way you hold me when you know I'm not doing well. You don't ask questions, just tell me it will be okay. I hope you know that makes my day.

If you find peace, give me a map.
Cuz I'm looking, can't find my way back. If you reach love, remember me still. I'll let you go if you're more loved there- I promise, I will.

Just don't forget me. I could never forget you. Don't feel badly, I know you thought it's what you had to do. You weren't selfish, just self-preserving. I'd no idea you were unhappy, only now am I learning.

You taught him to love again, and you taught me to trust again. I more than loved you, you were my best friend. Now you're teaching us what it is, to lose again. Thanks for the lesson, I think I've learned by now. Nothing is constant, the ground beneath me's shuffling. And I try to mend my heart but it's crumbling. Without you, I can't reach you.

Dear child don't cry, don't waste your tears on me. It was enough to have your love, I can do without your sympathy. Just live on, and learn from my memory. I wanted better things for you- dreams you could go out and do. Just do this last thing for me, just promise you'll be happy.

They said I can't save the world but I don't need to, it would be enough just to protect you. I tried and I tried, but it was all in vain. I spared you some, but not all, of my pain.

Dear child don't cry, don't waste your tears on me. It was enough to have your love, I can go without your sympathy. Just live on, and learn from my misery. I had hoped for a better life for you- that maybe you could make it through, somehow. I fear it's getting too late now. No matter what, my angel, just make this promise unto me, that you will be happy. Don't go through it sad like I did, don't ever be afraid to be a kid. For it's a privilege- I never got. In spite of how you're raised, in spite of all the pain. Remember, no matter what, I love you, my sweet child.

Even though I chose to leave you all alone, know I will find solace in a new home. And that I'm so sorry- for ever leaving. I was only doing what was best for me, but I won't forget you, no matter where I am I could never stop missing my precious baby. If there were an easy way to see you I'd do it, if I could hold you in my arms we'd get through this. But I don't think that's possible anymore. In your sweet heart all my love will pour. Depression hurts but this hurts more.

They said I couldn't save the world but I didn't need to, it would've been enough just to save you. I wish I could have. I beg you not to resent me, I'll have my thoughts for all eternity-to make me feel bad, to keep me company. I wish I couldn't given you a better goodbye, I know it's not very nice but I guess when you hear this it will just have to suffice. Someday, maybe many years from today, we may get to be together again and I will say:

I couldn't save the world, and I left unable to save you. I regret any times you missed me, I hope I never lost your love or needed too much sympathy. I'm so very sorry- for ever leaving. I did what was best for me; I wasn't being selfish, I was just surviving. It was something I felt I had to do. Know I missed you every moment of every day. Now I hope you'll let me hold you once again, come what may. And I hope you never forgot too, that I'll always love you.

It may seem odd but the darkness makes me smile, and when one day it consumes me- maybe I'll be happy awhile. If the pain would stop I could stop shuffling along- miserably. Waiting for my past to come and take me. The future is even more dreary. Just thinking of going on makes me much too weary.