The weight of the world is heavy on my chest
I've never felt so alone
I close my eyes and hope to finally get rest
But my rib cage does not feel like a home

My heart beats fast, battered and bruised
I ache and I ache and I ache
My crimes can never be excused
I know I'm an imposter, a fake

A plastic heart where a real one should beat
Glass eyes that cry glass tears
A cracked smile full of porcelain teeth
A wax figure brain between my ears

A pretend human, a forgery, a disgrace, a lie
That's all I will ever feel
Just a girl imploded who forgot how to cry
Who forgot how to heal

Floating, floating carried by the soft air
Dressed entirely in billowing white
Eyes closed, guard down, chin up without a care
There has not ever been such carefree flight

At least that is what I try to believe
If you pretend you're free then you can be
Ignore the aching feeling, let it leave
Nothing hurts you when you fly blissfully

Until your husband comes to shut the door
Stops the wind from carrying you away
From him, trapped without love, just like before
Will you again be able to be gay?

Floating way back down, trapped by my husband
I was loved once, never to be again

The tag hanging on my big toe
That's the only way you'll ever know my name
Turning blue along the edges
Sick sick sick
I'm sick in a way you don't understand
Only once I'm forever asleep
Will I let you hold my hand
I'm just afraid to poison you with all the pain I have inside
You don't deserve what I have
But I deserve to die
So I'll meet you in the morgue once the night is over
Red bracelets around my wrist
But my heart full of yearning wanting you closer
I'll give the coroner a special order
To give my bleeding heart to you
Forever yours
Can't breathe anymore
My last breath was saturated with the taste of you
The tag hanging on my toe
That's the only way you'll ever know
Who I am
Without you

Then it hit me:
You're my hiraeth
You never held home in your heart
Only smelled like it when you held me in your arms
You've got wanderer written inside your bones
You could never be my home
I only thought you were
Because I wanted you to be
I wanted to belong with you, inside four walls, forever
But we were meant to explode and burn
There's no caution to our love
We can't be each other's security
Our love is made of fire and stars, combusting and combusting until there's nothing left behind
But I'll let you be my hiraeth
Because you hold adventure in your eyes
Begging me with just a look "one more ride?"
And I know you've got a string tied around my heart
As i run along side

Then it hit me:
You're my ephemeral
You were never meant to last
Only held too much wisdom in your past
You're going to die before you're old
For only so long can your veins pump gold
I only thought you would last
Because I wanted you to
I wanted you to be forever, to lay here forever with me, at home
But you were meant to burn out
Live fast, love hard, and die before your time
You can't be my forever
We are made of matches and candles and rushed kisses and goodbyes
But I'll let you be my ephemeral
Because you hold knowledge in your eyes
And when I beg you "just one last ride?"
You smile as if you know it will be
Because every moment is your last

Some nights I feel a pain in my chest, beating against my rib cage, as if my heart were punching itself, as I sometimes do
My breaths grow shallow and it's hard to breathe
And I think
Tonight could be the night that I die
I could die with my heart and hipbones full of bruises, self inflicted, painted with my own brush strokes
And it's doesn't hurt as much as it should
And it's not as scary as it should be
I'm numb inside, starving my feelings until they survived off of scraps of words given to me, compliments I don't allow myself to receive
And I know that I am starving
But I still punch my stomach for growling
I tell myself that it is applauding but I know
I know
That it is not celebrating
It is crying
Yelling for help
And I want someone to hear
But I silence it with liters and liters of water
Drowning the girl in me that wants help
Drowning
And as I sink I stare at skeleton girls and worship them
Begging them
As if they could teach me how to shed my skin
Teach me how not to eat
How not to need
I am a withered plant hidden from the light
Wilted
I could be beyond help
But we'll never truly know
Until I am back in the sun

Hunter S Thompson held hands with death
The bony fingers wrapped over his own
Resting on the trigger of a gun pressed to his head
Bang: blood went everywhere
Found by his son with dead eyes and cold to the touch

Sylvia Plath laid her head on deaths lap
Inside of an oven with the gas turned on
She took deep breaths and starved for oxygen
Carbon monoxide filled her lungs
Found by a nurse with blue lips and a still chest

David Foster Wallace reached up to kiss the lips of death
A rope worn as a necklace
He let his body hang as his face turned blue
Found on his patio with a broken neck and a broken heart

I too am a writer and they are scared for me to reach for death
I long for their embrace as a razor across my wrists
Writers are always torn apart trying to be too many people at once
So let them find me without a spark of life or an ounce of blood left inside

I am full of demons. They live in my throat and my blood and my ears whispering to me so quiet that it sounds like my own thoughts.
2. The monsters are waiting. They lurk in the shadows and I can feel their eyes on me, their hands all over pulling me into the darkness it takes all of my strength to reach my fingertips to the light
3. I am fading. Memories of past selves disappear as every day passes, memories slipping away I can never remember what I've forgotten until it's too late
4. It feels like it's been years. We pass each other in the halls and i can't look you in the eyes without thinking of kissing you. It's so strange to dream of having someone back you never had in the first place
5. You haunt my dreams. I see the contour of your body and your hands and I reach out for you but I am always just not close enough and your hands slip away from mine and you dance with him instead
6. I was never good enough. No matter how I tried to purify my bloodstream and my skin and my stomach and my heart I was tainted, born into sin and unable to escape it. My demons live in every cell and I can't avoid them the same way you avoid looking me in the eyes
7. I can never pass on my genetics. I am burdened by a curse coded into every ounce of me and I can never pass this down. The thought of my children crying themselves to sleep with bloodstains on their hips haunts me and I realize that my biggest fear is being as ignorant as my parents were with me
8. I can never be loved. At least not totally. Although my illness is evil it is still part of me and no one can love depression. I will always be loved despite my sickness and I will never be cured.
9. I hurt everything I touch. My hands must be coated in poison, everyone I love is burdened by my fingerprints. I want to stop, to free them but I am too weak to leave them alone. So I take them with me until they are as shattered as I am, broken and unholy.
10. I am what won't let me sleep. All of these things that make my skin crawl are part of me, implanted deep within my bones and I cannot get rid of them. I am a monster because I am haunted by them, they will forever be part of me.

no mercy
silver glinting in the light
charging forward
no surrender
blade meets tender skin
tender skin splits
blood spills
bloodshed
there is no time for mourning in a war
white speckled red
drip
        drip
                dripping
the enemy hidden behind the glass
destroy it from the inside
destroy yourself
there is no time for mourning in a war

I was a withered plant hidden from the light
Wilted
I thought i was beyond help
But I never truly knew
Until I was back in the sun
Now I bask in his light
As his fingers brush along my cheek
My chest
My thighs
His touch fills me with a warmth I never thought I’d know again
After years spent freezing
His smile bathes me in a light id never thought I’d see
And I’ve begun to grow
Flourishing through the growing pains
I let myself breathe
I let myself need
I let myself eat
I let the bruises fade
And my heart begins to beat again
And I’ve learned how to love again

Starlight, star bright
You light up my life
But wish, oh wish, how I might
You cannot be mine tonight

I see the way you look at her
Eyes full of love and joy, I'm sure
There is nothing that could occur
So you'd notice me instead of her

I love you, my star, my love is true
I want to give my heart to you
But you trample it till it's black and clue
You track its remains on the sole of your shoe

Soulless sole, you sold my love
As you winked at me from above
But I know when push comes to shove
My starry night, you'll forsake my love

But I hide my pain, your joy I won't mar
You ask me why I call you my star
I turn away, can't tell you you are
Close to my heart and yet so far

Your starry eyes twinkle as I wink at you
And say I hope you do what stars do
Shooting stars fall from heaven, diving into blue
So you can fall for me as I fell for you

Starlight, star bright
I've been blinded by your light
Wish, oh wish, how you might
I can't stay alive for you tonight