I'm not dead
                                                                                                   But I'm not alive
I'm not living
                                                                                    I'm just trying to survive
We're all playing the same game
                                                                                              Just different levels
We're all in the same hell
                                                                                            Just different devils

For starters, I love you.
And every time I look at you
I ask myself how I got so lucky
I know I’m not perfect
I know I’m not much
And every time we speak I speak my thoughts backwards
My tongue ties,
Twisting, turning, tangling itself into a knot,
I can no longer speak.
I feel the need to explain myself
I answer the questions I convince myself you’re sure to be asking,
But are too nice to plainly ask
Like, “What’s wrong with you?”
I’m hyper focused on every flaw,
I put myself under a microscope.
Even now
I’m wondering if my tone of voice is acceptable
Maybe I should try speaking with more passion
Or less?
I’m hyper focused on my hair, is it okay?
My clothes, are they okay?
My personality, is it enough to keep you near when the days pass and my looks fade?
Or when I’m in the worst condition, will you stay?
Because truth be told I love you
And you speak you love me too,
But I can’t see how anyone could love me when I don’t love myself
How anyone could find perfection in such an imperfect being
Find beauty in someone like me
I question my self-worth.
But you already knew that,
And that’s one of the problems,
I don’t think I could ever leave someone who knows me so well
But maybe one day you’ll wake up and realize who I really am
That’s why I was so hesitant to get close to you
Because your re-assurance seems all to genuine
And I’m not ready to let go of my insecurities, don’t you see?
My sadness, it’s a part of me
It defines me
It defies me
It holds me back
But when all I’ve known is darkness and hurt
And you come in with the idea that it’ll get better
I never even imagined that concept.
And to be honest, It’s hard to believe someone like you can even dream of someone like me
And I’m sorry that I’m only me,
You deserve more
But all I have is my love
I hope it’s enough.

I am a hypocrite.
I tell my friends they have to eat,
when I don't.
I tell them not to listen to what others say
when I do.
I tell them they shouldn't cut
when i do
I tell them life is worth living
when I've attempted suicide.
I tell them to be happy
when I'm battling depression.
But regardless,
know I am here
For anyone battling depression
Anyone considering suicide,
Cutting,
Not eating,
Questioning their self worth,
Or maybe just sad.
I am here.

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”
Oh darling…
After years of being bullied,
Bullying myself,
Are you aware the state I’m in?
My hands, they shake.
My head, it spins.
To be trapped in your own mind,
To be hooked on a drug they call sadness,
It’s torture.
I am a POW.
A prisoner of the war I am at with myself
When my mind says “Move on”,
And my heart says “Hold on”,
And my body says “I’m not sure how much more of this I can take”,
Who to listen to?
So I am punished for everything broken in my life
As I grasp through the darkness,
Trying to glue it all back together,
Ignoring the cuts the sharp shattered dreams bring,
But I’m so tired of self-pity.
So tired of holding onto people and things that have long left my life
Hoping one day
These real eyes
Will realize
When those real lies are told
So I can stop and ask myself is it really worth it.
Or better yet, am I really worth it?
Or am I just a complication?
Someone who you would be better off without,
At least you won’t have to act like you love me.
Lie about being there for me,
Dangle in front of me the possibility of happiness,
Then pretend to help me pick up the pieces of my broken heart
I’m so tired.
Stupid us, thinking we were in love.
Stupid me, thinking I was finally good enough.
So when I hear that stupid rhyme,
It brings me back.
Re-read the top if you must to completely grasp,
But don’t tell me that hurts less than a broken bone.