To love and to be in love are very different.

Where I was, was bad,
But where I am is worse.
I feel like they’re taking away who I am,
Filling my bloodstream with anti-depressants,
Forcing me to become someone I’m not
Someone I don’t want to be.
The fact remains that my sadness defined me
Struggling against the medication
Desperately attempting to hold onto the part of me that’s me
Wanting so badly for my days to mean something
Instead of the same bland depressing schedule I face everyday
The pills do nothing but supress my suicidal thoughts to my subconcious
So I'm forced to fake a smile, one unlike any other.
This one is to keep them from increasing my dosage,
And I'm scared.
I've never felt so alone
This is what I get
For asking for help

Beauty.
The standard goal.
Society kills me.
They tell you to “be yourself, you’re beautiful”
Judge you for it,
Then encourage you to do it again.
Who are they to decide?
In fact, who decided the status quo,
What determines true beauty?
They say everyone’s beautiful in their own way,
But that’s just the appetizer.
The main course is the “fact” that everyone’s different,.
And in order to achieve the standard level of “perfect”,
“Buy this item! It’ll make you more perfect, I swear!”
“Wear these clothes, it’ll complement the parts of your body we’ve defined as
‘Attractive’!”
“Do these workouts, it’ll give you a flatter stomach, tighter abs, a sexier beach body!”
The fact that they took our weak spot,
Perfection
And dangled the idea,
The possibility in front of us
To sell their products
To keep us coming back, to make money
Because, let’s be real, money’s everything.
They convince us that we can achieve something that doesn't exist,
But we want it to,
We hope for it,
Because….what?
Looks are everything?
No.
In 80 years, we’ll all look old and weird, so what’s the point?
Look good everyday,
Hope someone finds you attractive,
Potentially fall in “love” with somebody who only desires your looks?
If that’s your goal, ***, you've got your priorities mixed up
Life’s not gonna care whether you’re
Attractive,
Ugly,
Skinny,
Thick,
Short,
Tall,
Smart,
Stupi­d,
Or the greatest person alive.
It’s gonna knock you down no matter what,
And in 120 years, we’ll all be dead anyway.
Why waste your time hoping to accomplish a false reality,
So you can live your years in luxury,
Rather than just being thankful and happy?
Don’t spend your time trying to get to what you don’t even want,
But have been programmed to accept.
Re-program yourself.
***** the system.

Be happy* they said
**I know I should be happy....
But I'm not...

We confine ourselves
To the love we believe we deserve

Dear *******,
How dare you call me an attention *****?
How dare you tell me you understand?
Tell me,
Do you know what it’s like to look at your reflection,
And turn the other way, ashamed?
Do you know what it’s like,
To know you’re you,
Down to the last hair,
And hate yourself for it?
To stare at yourself, to look into your own eyes, to try to convince yourself that it’s fine, but in actuality it’s a cover that you’ve learned to wear everywhere, that you’ve learned to love, because when you’re in it nobody knows?
Do you know what it’s like to walk everywhere, terrified, because you feel people looking at you like you have a giant sign that reads “DEPRESSED ANXIETY FAT UGLY NEVER ENOUGH SO KEEP WALKING”?
Tell me, do you know what it’s like to look in the mirror, force upon your face a smile, knowing it’s a mask that’s been permanently glued to you by your own tears that could never show?
No, you don’t know what it’s like to wipe away your smudged makeup that you’ve worked so ******* to cover up your tearstained eyes, your cuts.
To apply a new coat, to paint on a smile that’s only real in dreams.
You know, they say dreams come true but forget that nightmares are dreams too.
They tell you the monsters are under your bed when they actually scream in your head.
You don’t know what it’s like to feel lonely in a crowd, to know you’re not wanted.
To hold and rock yourself because there’s no one else to.
To realize that you’re all you have and doing your best to hide anyway,
Do you know what it’s like to want to die?
No.
You don’t and you never will.
But I do.
You don’t know me, or what I’ve been through.
So don’t ******* judge me for it.
Sincerely,
Me

I'd rather have someone live for me
Than have someone die for me

Anyone can jump in front of a bullet in one last tragic action
But how many can put the blades down?
How many can make a constant choice to live despite their struggles
As opposed to a momentary decision?

Yes, I'd rather have someone live for me
Than have someone die for me

Because I don't wanna be the one everyone avoids eye contact with at the funeral
I wanna be the one people look to and think "she really changed his life"
I wanna be the one he looks at and thinks, "she gave me a reason to get up each morning"

I don't wanna be the cause of a death, romantic and tragic as it may seem

I wanna be the reason for the decision to *live

I don’t sleep.
No I’m not an insomniac,
But when I sleep I dream
And when I dream, I dream of you
And how you’re somewhere,
Dreaming of her
What you don’t understand,
Is I love you more than she ever will
And I find myself constantly comparing myself to her,
Asking myself,
Wishing I could ask you,
Why I’m not good enough.
The voice in my head tells me it’s because she’s
Prettier
Skinnier
Funnier
Smarter
Happier
Better
That I’m worthless
Ugly
Fat
Stupid
Depressed
A freak
That no one will ever love me,
But honestly,
Who could love a monster like me?
You’re the only one who can make me feel like nothing else matters
You make me happy,
And though it’s wrong,
You’re the drug that gets me through
Or so I thought.
Because sitting here crying,
Wishing I was dead,
You seem more like a poison killing me slowly
But I wish you wouldn’t be so selfish
Just **** me already
Or I could let the pills do their job and take away my pain forever
But I don’t regret not saying anything.
My mistake was thinking you actually liked me
Your mistake was falling for the wrong girl
But it’s okay
Because within minutes I’ll be gone
Into a sweet
Everlasting sleep.

I am a hypocrite.
I tell my friends they have to eat,
when I don't.
I tell them not to listen to what others say
when I do.
I tell them they shouldn't cut
when i do
I tell them life is worth living
when I've attempted suicide.
I tell them to be happy
when I'm battling depression.
But regardless,
know I am here
For anyone battling depression
Anyone considering suicide,
Cutting,
Not eating,
Questioning their self worth,
Or maybe just sad.
I am here.

I don’t get it
Please help me understand how your promises of “forever”,
Are already over,
I seem to lack the understanding as to how I was your “everything”
But now I don’t seem to be anything to you but a ******* game,
Is this fun for you?
It’s a shame I’m backing out, this game is for two
Have fun playing by yourself.
It’s interesting how you tell me your friends have nothing to say to me
Yet it seems you still have things to say to them about me
And even your closest friends are in my inbox, trying to learn my side of what’s going on here.
Hm.
Go ahead and mock me
I dare you, call me crazy
Tell your friends I’m obsessed with you or whatever helps you sleep through the night,
But know that I’m getting my rest regardless.
Because I went from
“Oh my God, he doesn’t even care anymore”
To
“You know what, I don’t even care anymore”
And now every night I sleep great.
What’s funny is you begged me for a chance,
I sent you away yet you still came crawling back
So I don’t understand what the hell you’re playing
Do I amuse you?
Or are you simply trying to seem cool?
Cause it’s weird how you were crystal clear about how you used to feel
But now you can’t seem to remember how to express your emotions
See, I’m starting to wonder if you had any to begin with
Or was this all just a run through?
A twisted, ****** up way of seeing how much I would do for you?
You might as well tell me now, you have nothing to lose
Not anymore
See you already ****** up
You already lost the girl who’d have done anything for you
Because you were too **** stubborn to care about her

If you walk away,
Don’t try to come back
Because if you come back,
I can tell you how it’ll unfold
No matter where I am in my life,
I’ll automatically let you back in.
I’ll forgive you,
Even for things you haven’t yet forgiven yourself for
I’ll open back up
I’ll let you be in a position once again where you can destroy me
From the inside, out.
I’ll trust you.
Despite all of the negativity you have caused me,
I won’t be able to resist you,
And you know that.
You’ll stop chasing me
I’ll begin to chase you,
But we both know you’re faster
You’ll leave me shattered,
With cuts from my own broken shards
I’ll hold you accountable for my pain
I’ll hate you once again,
But I’ll hate myself more for handing you
My ability to be okay
I’ll slowly begin to pick myself up
And someone else will come along,
To help me glue myself together
Many pieces will be missing
The pieces you took with you,
Because you couldn’t admit that you didn’t want to let me go
I’ll move on
I’ll give my heart to someone else
And I’ll forget about you,
While you realize you loved me more,
Than you thought you would
You’ll begin to miss me more and more
Until you can’t bear it anymore
But I’ll be with someone else.
So please.
For both of our sakes,
If you walk away,
Stay away.

There are 3 people I need right now

One's dead

                                                                                          One wishes he was


And one's somewhere passed out, high out of his mind

And me?
I'm wondering how the hell I'm gonna continue to wake up every morning knowing she didn't.

This morning, it was hard for me to get out of bed.
I was so tired,
I was so willing to lay down,
Rest,
And give up
But I didn’t.
I got out of bed,
Got dressed,
And got ready for school
Most people only think about the war that comes with depression and anxiety
They don’t tell you about the many little battles
Battles I’m learning to overcome
They’re not easy battles,
But for the first time in a long time,
This morning,
*I won.

I’m sorry,
Who did you say you thought you were?
I don’t owe you an explanation
I don’t owe you anything.
You are not entitled to a complimentary map of my mind,
And my heart,
So you can know what buttons to press,
What strings to pull?
Because you’d just love to see me unravel, wouldn’t you?
Don’t you dare ask me to give you the benefit of the doubt
Because you have already proven my initial doubts to be reality
And I am done letting people in so they can destroy me,
from the inside, out.
I do that to myself enough.
When I’m at my lowest point, don’t come to me.
I don’t want your pity
What am I, a charity?
You have no right to feel bad for me
And you have no right to be mad at me when you text me and I don’t respond
Or you say hello and I look the other way
I’m done playing these games
And I’m done trusting where trust has not been earned
I am not somebody who you can expect to just open up about things I’ve taken years myself to accept
And you’re gonna have to respect that
I’m sorry,
Did you hurt yourself jumping to conclusions?
Because I hear it’s pretty far from the truth and that ******* that just came out of your mouth,
I hope you didn't hurt your fragile ego.
Wanna talk about me to someone else?
Great, that means you know better than to act up in my space
It’s almost a disgrace
How someone can be so two faced
But if you’re gonna be two faced, at least make one of them pretty
Said Marylyn Monroe
But I don’t think you understand how that goes.
They say what goes around comes around
And I sure hope that’s true
Because if that’s the case,
Karma will be knocking at your door very soon
Haven’t you learned your lesson?
I doubt it.
People like you, never learn.

I find it kinda funny

I find it kinda sad

The dreams in which I'm dying

Are the
             Best
                     I've
                            Ever
                                     Had

For someone who once called me their everything,
You sure didn’t seem to give a ****,
When I called you, thighs bleeding and eyes leaking
But all I got was a voicemail
At least I got to hear your voice one more time
Truth be told, I don’t want you
No, I don’t want you
Not anymore
Not like I used to
But I want you to want me
I want you to want me, but know you can’t have me anymore
Not anymore
Because you let go of the one girl that ever actually gave a **** about you,
Yes, I want you to want me like I once wanted you
So you can feel the pain that comes with karma
And one sided love.

Mirror, Mirror,* on my wall,
I just want to be thin, pretty and tall.

Mirror, Mirror, if I change my hair,
Maybe someone will start to care?

Mirror, Mirror, if I starve myself,
At least I’ll be beautiful, forget my health.

Mirror, Mirror, if I cut my wrist,
Will I feel like I exist?

Mirror, Mirror, don’t you see?
What you show, is ruining me.

Mixed girl
Being mixed, I’ve never quite fallen into a category.
No I’m all not black,
No I’m all not white,
But a sweet mix.
Problem is in most situations I am forced into a slot,
Told what I am and what I am not
Don’t hold me to stereotypes
You don’t know me
Don’t take me and shove me into a cluster of a single ethnicity
Don’t judge me based on the color of my skin
How I’m too light or not light enough
Too dark or not dark enough
The fact of the matter remains
I will never be a single race, a single ethnicity
I am African American, Irish, Polish, and Native American
“Mixed girl”

New year.
New heartbreaks.
New surprises.
New mistakes.
New disappointments.
New feelings.
New horrors.
New people.
New poems.

I am very numb
I wish I could feel something
To know I'm human

One day,
You're gonna be dancing with a girl more,
Perfect than me;
Who tastes like strawberries and,
Smells like peaches
And as you watch her move
You're gonna sit and down 5 shots just to get the thought of me from your head
But it won't work
And I swear if you take her home the moonlight will keep you awake no matter what you do
And you'll be laying in bed trying not to think about how we danced around your room in the moonlight
How we kissed under the stars
And how I,
I tasted like strawberries too
And you'll finally understand that all the things you never said
Could've made all the difference in the world
And now that I'm gone there's a space within you
That can't so easily replaced
And you'll realize that you loved me more than you let on,
More than you intended to
But by then, darling
It'll be too late.

Poetry
A word majestic in its own,
Poetry is a tool
A path I take to calm down
A direction I go when bland sentences alone can never truly express,
When the words stay trapped in my throat,
Never spoken,
Because I am not able to show my true feelings through spoken words.
I write.
I don’t like to talk.
Because talking leaves room open for disagreement
Talking, airing my thoughts, seems to ******* me.
Leaving me defenseless, a target to aim for.
Poetry is my small way of winning when I can’t win elsewhere,
Poetry is a battle plan,
Poetry is a blueprint
A map to my emotions, my feelings, how I view the world.
Poetry is like a script
When I can’t speak anything from heart,
When I’m sometimes trapped in my mind
And the unspoken, unwritten words catch me in a web,
I write.
I can organize my thoughts in a way that makes sense to me.
My poetry doesn’t have to make sense to others
My poetry doesn’t have to live up to the standards of others
My poetry doesn’t have to meet the status quo
In my poetry
I’m finally free to express
To say something in a society that’s gone at ends to keep me quiet
To finally tear down the walls that have kept me prisoner in the silence
Agree, or shut up, they say.
My poetry doesn’t have to agree
My poetry reflects back to me,
And I’m proud of the sentences made by words strung together
Out of the 26 letters of the alphabet,
Isn’t it amazing?
Get to the point, they say,
But how can I describe what poetry means to me using simple words such as
Happy, sad, and mad?
Give me something to work with here.
You don’t have to like poetry
But I love it.

She paints a pretty picture,
But her story has a twist-

Her paint brush is a razor
And her canvas is her wrist

She paints a pretty picture
In a color that’s blood red
While using her sharp paint brush
She ends up finally dead

Her pretty picture’s fading
Quite slowly on her arm
The blood is not racing through her
She can no longer do harm

She painted her pretty picture
But her picture had a twist-
You see her mind was her razor

And her heart was her wrist

I’m so, so, so, sorry.*
I tried.
I tried to save them.
But once they had their minds made up….
It was like trying to change someone’s mind
Once they were already in a freefall.
Who says we live and we learn like it’s a fact of life?
If it was a fact of life, they’d still be here.
Don’t you dare try to give me that *******.
It is true, however, the phrase *life isn’t fair.
No, it’s not.
How is it fair that they’re both dead and I’m still here?
How is it fair that I was the last person they spoke to?
How is it fair that each of their dying wishes was for me to save the other?
How is that fair, tell me!
I once told him it’s okay not to know everything,
But this is ridiculous!
I just don’t know anymore.
I just don’t know.
Neither did they.
And look where they are.

Fake smile,
           Dried eyes,
                       Scratched wrists,
                                         Bruised thighs,
                                                         White pills,
                                                                      Rope tied,
                                                                                Gun loaded,
                                                                                                     *Suicide.

How would you like to take a walk in my shoes?
Spend a day in my life and see how you do.
Take a look at me through my eyes
And realize
When those real lies are uncovered,
You see
I am not simple.
How would you like to spend a moment in my mind?
Take notice that my thinking process isn’t one you’d expect to find
In a girl like me;
How would you like to see my life as I do?
A preacher’s daughter who has expectations sitting on her chest
I can’t breathe sometimes
And at those times everything seems to be falling
Not into place
Not out of place
Just falling
I am not deep
I don’t write for others,
I write to help myself clear out my head
Maybe tonight I’ll actually get some sleep when I go to bed?
But I doubt it.
How would you like to know me past what you think you see?
Start by walking a mile in my shoes
Instead of assuming you know me.

Life asked death, "Why does everyone love me and hate you?"
Death responded, "Because you are a beautiful lie, and I am the painful truth."

!!!!!!Trigger Warning: ****, domestic violence, abuse, suicide!!!!!!!!



When I moved to your hometown, I saw your true colors.
I saw that power meant more, your dominance meant more, your ego and your assertiveness meant more to you than I did.
I tried.
I tried to leave you alone, but like a moth drawn to a flame, time and again I allowed myself to draw nearer to you, shocked when you burned me every time.
Isn’t that the definition of insanity?
Days later, I cut you off. I blocked you. And it felt good. Like I regained some of the control you took away from me. I was starting to feel like myself again until I got home that night.
You busted through the deadbolt lock on my door.
My backpack was missing.
I called your mom in a panic, having not connected the dots until moments after I hung up the phone with her and I heard your voice, calling me from outside my window.
I asked you.
I asked you once.
I asked you twice.
Did you do that to my door?
Your calm, unchanging face didn’t even blink when you answered,
No.
It wasn’t until I put two and two together, you being there, having my backpack, the holes in your story, your unchanging, unsurprised, unsympathetic face, that I realized what you had done.
And when I called you on it, you admitted it.
Why lie to me? Why lie to my face?
So I blocked you, again.
Leave me alone until I give you the word, I said.
Just leave me alone.
Two days later, I was breaking down crying over my inability to be alone, over my inability to love my broke pieces enough to pick myself up and put myself back together
Two days later, I called you.
You told me you were sorry.
And that you sent me roses in the mail, set to arrive sometime before I left, two weeks from then.
And I melted
I caved
I gave up being strong and decided to instead be naïve, oblivious, or simply in denial.
We can make it work at least until I leave, right?
What’s the worst that can happen?
But then the worst started to happen.
Your flashbacks took away your memories of me and replaced them with menacing, intrusive thoughts
Replaced me with other girls
Nameless, faceless, meaningless bodies for you to use as you please
Or a roadblock in the way of you achieving peace at last, kissing death’s sweet lips
The bad guy you worked so hard to bury deep within your subconscious became very, very conscious
Very real
I first noticed it the day we were walking to the park, I said you were less mature than I, a harmless quip meaning no personal injury
You walked on the opposite side of the street as me, refusing to look at me, refusing to acknowledge me, refusing to come back to my side.
But when that car full of guys rolled by me, whistling, yelling various unsolicited, uncomfortable things resembling compliments, you laughed.
You laughed at my fear.
And still wouldn’t walk with me.
It was that day, you got in my face and dared me to put my hands on you so you could lay me on the ground
It was that day, I asked you, why are you talking to me like this?
It was that day, you answered, if I don’t hurt you verbally, it will be physically.
It was moments later, through tears, I begged, why do you treat me like this?
It was moments later, with cold eyes, you answered, to feel powerful
Is it a switch?
Can you flip it on and off?
How can the one who caresses my face so very gently,
The one who calls himself my protector at all costs,
The one who rushes to my side at every beck and call,
The one who opens doors for me
Walks two hours in the rain for me
Spends all his money to send me roses,
Be so cruel?
Three days before I’m supposed to leave, you come spend the night with me
We’re laying down, whispering sweet nothings to each other in the darkness
When I suddenly admit, I’ll miss you.
Don’t go, you say.
But I have to. I have to, my love.
It was then that you grabbed me by the neck, and told me I was not going to leave you.
Baby, please, I can’t breathe.
You’re not leaving. I don’t care if I have to take you away
Then you jolt out of it, looking at me with confusion. Your head hurts.
Just lay on me chest baby, it’s okay
I stroke your hair slowly, softly, calmly
Why is your heart beating so fast?
It’s not baby, close your eyes.
I hear it. What’s wrong?
Nothing, love, I’m fine. Just anxious about the move.
You know, you could stay here with me.
Baby, I already got my plane ticket, I’m leaving in a couple days.
No.
No?
No.
You grab my wrist with one hand.
Baby, let me go.
No.
Babe, you have to let me go. It’s okay.
No. Stop saying that.
Baby, I-
It’s too late. You’re already on top of me, grabbing my other wrist and pinning me down, your dark eyes beating into mind.
Baby, please let go of me, you’re squeezing too tight, you’re hurting me.
Your grip grows even stronger, and I feel the panic rising in my chest again.
Then you jolt out of it. Your head hurts. You need to lay down.
This time, I don’t let you lay on me. This time, I simply watch you lay there.
You reach out for me
I flinch
Concern flickers in your eyes, babygirl what’s wrong? You haven’t flinched around me in months.
It’s nothing.
It’s something, talk to me. What did I do?
You… um.. you pinned me down. You h-held my wrists. You wouldn’t let me go…
You laugh.
I wouldn’t do that, unless you were trying to leave me
Baby, I’m leaving the state in two days.
Your eyes turn cold. You yank my hair, pulling my head back.
You what?
I don’t answer.
You WHAT?
I-I’m leaving in two-
You yank my hair again, harder this time, before letting me go.
Your head hurts.
Really bad, really, really, bad.
Lay down baby, it’s okay.
I kiss your forehead tenderly
You’re okay.
My last day there was the worst.
By far, the worst.
Laying down, we’re past the stage of denial over me leaving.
I’m leaving tomorrow. And I’m so horribly sad to leave you behind.
You’re depressed. You don’t want to be here anymore. You don’t see yourself living without me.
You’re the only thing ******* keeping me here anymore, you say bitterly.
You’re gonna have to be strong for me when I leave, my love. I know you can.
Just die with me, you plead, it’ll be quick. I can choke you to death and **** myself. We’ll never have to be apart again.
We don’t even know what’s on the other side. What if it’s nothing? What if we don’t find each other?
You insist. You beg. You plead. You cry. Until you finally give up convincing me, your hand creeping up towards my neck.
Let me go.
Baby, let me go
Your hand is around my neck. Tightening. It’s getting harder and harder to breathe. There are black spots clouding my vision, like when you stand up too fast after sitting for too long, except they’re everywhere
Please, babe, please just…
Shhhhh babygirl it’s okay, close your eyes, go to sleep
So I do. I close my eyes and you slowly remove your hand from my neck, kissing me tenderly on the forehead, before getting up and going to my window. You open the window and as you’re looking down at the two story drop, my eyelids flutter open.
I reach out for you as you go to climb out the window.
Baby, stop, I whisper weakly.
You’re supposed to be dead.
But I’m not. Just, come here, it’s okay, you don’t have to do this.
I stand slowly and come to you, grabbing your arm to pull you away from the window.
Now it’s your turn to demand that I let you go.
Just let me do this. I need to do this. Leave me alone.
No, you don’t, just come here.
Before I can even blink both of your hands are around my neck and squeezing, lifting me off the ground.
Leave me alone before I make you leave me alone.
Unable to breathe, I nod, and you drop me.
Gasping for breath, I see you going towards the window once again.
Please! Just use the front door. Just walk out the front door, if you go out the front door I swear to god I’ll leave you alone.
You turn towards me, reaching once again for my neck, and I grab your wrists.
You back me up, twisting out of my grip and grabbing onto my wrists.
You keep backing me up, until we’re almost to my closet. I stop and rest against the open door, and you ask coldly,
Why’d you stop backing up? Keep going. Since you don’t know how to leave me the **** alone.
I don’t have much of a choice. You push me into the closet, and turn me around so I’m no longer facing you, placing your arm around my neck in a choke hold and tightening your grip.
I hit your arm once, twice, three, four, five times, and you finally drop me.
Your head hurts.
I turn to face you, with fear in my eyes, cowering under you.
You look at me with confusion.
Why are we in a closet? What’s wrong? Why are you-
You reach out to touch me and I cower and flinch, shaking my head
Please don’t, please, please don’t touch me. Please. I’m sorry. Please.
I break down crying.
You realize what you’ve done.
And you sit in the closet. In your little corner, to punish yourself, as I cower in the corner.
Seconds blend into minutes as they pass by, until you rise from the closet, going to the door. You don’t know where you are. You don’t know who I am. You keep calling me another girl’s name. I don’t know who it is.
Now it’s your turn to cower in the corner.
I can only imagine what’s going on in your head, as you’re crying out with fear and panic over the voices screaming in your head. I let you cry, clinging onto my legs.
It’s okay my love, you’re safe now, you’re not there anymore. Let it out. It’s okay.
My jeans are soaked now. I gently remove you from my legs and go to change my pants. Your face immediately switches to panic.
No, please, I don’t want to have ***. Please. I don’t want to.
Baby, relax. I’m not going to make you. I’m just changing out of these wet pants.
As I change out of my pants and into your oversized basketball shorts, your face changes.
Come here.
I look at you, confused.
Now.
I slowly walk over to the corner where you’re no longer cowering in. I crouch down next to you.
Closer.
You pull me onto your lap.
I gotta tell you something.
I lean over, your lips grazing my ear as you whisper,
I want you
You begin kissing my neck.
Kissing, touching, gently.
I almost didn’t notice anything was wrong. It wasn’t until you looked at me and asked,
What’s your name, girl?
That I realized you weren’t really here. I looked at you, dumbfounded, and you shrugged,
Okay, I guess that doesn’t matter. You’re **** as hell.
I pushed off of you, shaking my head.
I’m your girlfriend. Remember?
You shake your head.
I don’t date girls like you. Why don’t you just take that off?
You stand, walking towards me.
Just relax.
No!
I push you off me, and you laugh coldly.
Babygirl, we can do this the easy way or the hard way. But I love it when they fight back.
You grab me by the neck, kissing me roughly, as your free hand pulls my shorts off.
I’m pushing you. I’m pushing you off of me but you’re too strong.
You grip my ******* tightly and begin pulling them down, but I grip them tighter and keep holding them up.
Stop. Please. Stop.
I use my most authoritative voice and you chuckle with amusement.
Guess we’re doing this the hard way then, hm?
You pick me up and set me on my back on the ground. I go to get up. You pin me back down by my throat, prying yourself between my legs.
You begin to touch me.
I flinch under your touch and keep pushing, keep pushing you off of me.
You pin my hands with both of yours.
You bring my hands together and hold them both with one of your hands.
Stop. Fighting.
You resume touching me.
My body betrays me as I squirm and leak.
You know you like that. Don’t you?
You enter me, and I cry out in pain as you use me for your pleasure.
Call me daddy
You demand, and I shake my head.
You grab me by the throat and begin going harder. Faster. Harder. Faster.
Again, you demand,
Say it.
The word escapes my lips and you grin with satisfaction.
I close my eyes.
I stop fighting.
I do anything I can to take a mental vacation somewhere far, far, away.
I’m not here. This isn’t happening. It’s not. It’s okay. I’m fine. It’s almost over.
You pull out suddenly, and look at me with horror.
No… no… no, no, no, no, no, no
You let go of my neck. Then my hands. You back up and stare at me as if I’m on fire.
Please tell me I didn’t just do what I think I just did.
I wish I could. I wish I could tell you that you didn’t just do what you think you just did, but you did.
Your head hurts.
So ******* bad.
You retreat to your corner in the closet, and I retreat to the corner opposite in the room. Now it’s my turn to cower in the corner.
The next morning, you’re helping me move my stuff out of my room, into your mom’s car. She’s taking me to the airport.
The ride to the airport is silent.
When we arrive, you open the door for me, and scoop me up bridal-style so I don’t get my shoes wet in the puddle you’re standing in.
I hug you tightly, holding back tears.
I kiss you gently, holding back words.
I love you.
I love you, too.
As I walk into the airport, leaving you standing in the rain, I realize:
The roses never came.

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”
Oh darling…
After years of being bullied,
Bullying myself,
Are you aware the state I’m in?
My hands, they shake.
My head, it spins.
To be trapped in your own mind,
To be hooked on a drug they call sadness,
It’s torture.
I am a POW.
A prisoner of the war I am at with myself
When my mind says “Move on”,
And my heart says “Hold on”,
And my body says “I’m not sure how much more of this I can take”,
Who to listen to?
So I am punished for everything broken in my life
As I grasp through the darkness,
Trying to glue it all back together,
Ignoring the cuts the sharp shattered dreams bring,
But I’m so tired of self-pity.
So tired of holding onto people and things that have long left my life
Hoping one day
These real eyes
Will realize
When those real lies are told
So I can stop and ask myself is it really worth it.
Or better yet, am I really worth it?
Or am I just a complication?
Someone who you would be better off without,
At least you won’t have to act like you love me.
Lie about being there for me,
Dangle in front of me the possibility of happiness,
Then pretend to help me pick up the pieces of my broken heart
I’m so tired.
Stupid us, thinking we were in love.
Stupid me, thinking I was finally good enough.
So when I hear that stupid rhyme,
It brings me back.
Re-read the top if you must to completely grasp,
But don’t tell me that hurts less than a broken bone.

You see,
I am an artist

I draw with silver
But it comes out red

“Eww who let her out of her cage?”
“She’s fatter in real life. LOL”
“That makeup makes her look like a clown.”
“Go die in a hole. Nobody wants you.”
“Go **** yourself already!”
“Wow hahaha you’re really stupid.”
“You’re 13? 13 hundred pounds, maybe.”
“Clutz.”
“Idiot:”
“You’re worthless. You’re not a good singer, a good dancer, or even good at math. All you do is read.”
“Jump off a bridge, do us all a favor.”
“*****.”
“Go to hell.”
“You must hate yourself.”
“You’re pathetic.”
“Look, she’s crying! Hahaha”
“You’re ugly as ****.”
“Who’s ever gonna want you?”
“Oh, you’re crying? P-A-T-H-E-T-I-C!”
“She attempted suicide….ehh, she deserved it.”
“You’re such a failure. You couldn’t even **** yourself right.”
And you wonder why I’m depressed
You wonder why I don’t eat
You wonder why I cut
*You wonder why I wanna die

"Don't fall in love.
It's not worth it.
They'll trick you they'll make themselves the reason the sun shines and sets and the reason you wake up every morning and then they'll leave and you'll forget how you did it before them."

"I'm sorry if your dad left you .
I'm sorry if your dad hit you .
I'm sorry if your dad passed away .
I'm sorry if your mom left you .
I'm sorry if your mom hit you or got hit by your dad .
I'm sorry if your mom passed away .
I'm sorry if you get bullied .
I'm sorry if you cut your wrists .
I'm sorry if you can never get sleep at night .
I'm sorry if you throw up after you eat because you don't want to gain weight .
I'm sorry if you cry in your room for hours .
I'm sorry if you get called a ****** for being gay .
I'm sorry if your boyfriend or girlfriend hits you .
I'm sorry if you feel like you're not good enough .
I'm sorry if someone broke your heart .
I'm sorry if you got cheated on .
I'm sorry if you're in foster care .
I'm sorry if you're homeless .
I'm sorry if you would rather be homeless because being at home is torture .
I'm sorry if you rake your nails down your arms .
I'm sorry if you feel like nobody cares .
I'm sorry if you feel invisible .
I'm sorry if you feel you won't be as " pretty " or " handsome " as someone else . But guess what ? You are beautiful .
I'm sorry if you don't want to be saved .
I'm sorry if you do want to be saved , but nobody is around to help you .
I'm sorry if you lost a loved one .
I'm sorry if your brother or sister has a mental illness .
I'm sorry if I've hurt you .
I'm sorry if you've been sexually harassed .
I'm sorry I've not always been there when you've needed me .
I'm sorry if you have to sell drugs or do them because you hate reality .
I'm sorry for all the pain you kept inside for so long .
I'm sorry if your heart is broken .
I'm sorry if you feel this way .
But I know that with everything that is going wrong , one day it will go right .
I care about you , I want to give my all to show you how worth it you are .
I want you to live , I want you to fight this .
I need you here .
All your pain is something that probably followed you everywhere .
I know that things are hard , and nobody understands what you're going through .
You fake a smile , but I can see it .
You think you're unloved , but I love you so much . I promise you're loved .
If you think it's time for you to go , it's honestly not , this isn't worth it.
I know you want to die , nobody would miss you right ? Those thoughts are all a lie , those demons in your head are lying to you . All those people telling you to **** yourself aren't there when you need a hug , they aren't there when you're punching walls .
They assume you won't do anything, they aren't there when you're breaking down , and crying , but I promise you'll feel better soon , don't do this .
Don't leave me .
I need you .
You're worth it .
I know you're enough .
I love you .
I'm always just a message away .
Stay strong ."

Love.
A hope so Naïve it is commonly perceived
As fiction
How cool would it be to be,
The fictional characters we see
In books and movies-
Always a happy ending, no wasting or even spending any time on the negative thoughts.
But that’s not real.
In the real world, people **** and lie
Saying things we can deny but never do;
“You’re fat”
“You’re ugly”
Soon we forget what’s real and what’s fake,
We confuse incompetence with our own miserable fate,
How will I end up?
I give advice but never know what to do,
I hope and I pray but know it’s never going to be the same
Or be okay,
Time goes by, conjuring up conversations in my head,
Regretting things that were never said….Should I have said something?
Some people think life is a game.
Others spend their whole lives trying to find who’s to blame,
But never take any responsibility for the mistakes they have made,
Spending lonely nights behind closed doors
Meaningless flower petals litter the floor as you ask yourself,
Does he love me?
Of course not
Does she love me?
Does he love me?
Am I loved?
Questions so frequently asked,
The true meaning of love sits in the past,
Thrown into the air
As if nobody cares
That it’s gone…

~Julianna W.

I'm not dead
                                                                                                   But I'm not alive
I'm not living
                                                                                    I'm just trying to survive
We're all playing the same game
                                                                                              Just different levels
We're all in the same hell
                                                                                            Just different devils

Tell me,
When you look at me
Do you see what I see?
Do you see the girl that's actually me,
Or do you see what you want me to be?
Do you see the girl who sometimes cries,
Cause she'll never think of herself as "pretty"?
Do you see the girl who skips meals,
So she'll end up classified as "skinny"?
Or do you see the one that makes sure evryone else around her
Is happy?
The one who'll give anything to see people smile
So they don't end up broken
Like she is?
It's like looking at different sides of the moon,
She has a darkside
Can't you see she's terrified?
Or did you never bother to look in her eyes,
And see the pain she tried to hide?
Notice her cries for help,
As she dies inside?
No.
You never thought twice about it
Upon hearing this you'll probably tell her she's beautiful
But she won't believe you.
You haven't seen her darkside
Well, my darkside...
So I'm left with pathetic thank yous to weak compliments
As I try to gather my thoughts
Determine true or false,
But it's almost always false
That's why I'm scared, you see,
When you call me gorgeous, beautiful, pretty
Because that girl you see?
I don't see

Rattling of a pill bottle fill the silence
And I don't realize how desperately
I long for anything but the silence
Until it's gone.

What is wrong with me?
I'm holding on to how things used to be
Because letting go has never been my thing
But I think it's time,
And I'm scared
Letting go means finding more to fill that,
Silence
And I'm not sure I can.
I'm not sure I can...
What is wrong with me?

Barely a week clean
And I'm already craving
When can I stop this **** self hatred,
And learn to love myself?
As opposed to harming myself.
What is wrong with me?

Why do I always jump to feelings of anger, sadness, and irritability?
Why do I long for physical pain so intensely?
Why do my thoughts of self loathing present so vividly?
What is wrong with me?

I'm a tragedy, really.
A piece of artwork, pulled apart at the seams
A kind heart that's torn up, scratched and bleeding
But you could never tell, for looks are deceiving
What is wrong with me?

I have help.
I know people care.
But the last person also told me they'd always be there,
And where the **** are they now, definitely not here
And I know not everyone's the same,
But it's one of my biggest fears
What is wrong with me?

I long for the day
Tears spill from my eyes
My heart's ripped into pieces, and I'm feeling betrayed
But the last thing I wanna do is reach for the blade
Because I'll be stronger than that.

But letting go has never been my thing.
So I'm stuck holding on to how I used to think


*What the hell is wrong with me?

The saddest part
Is I have no one to blame
No one to be mad at
Because my only clear enemy
Is myself
My thoughts
They hold me hostage,
They conjure up things
I so naively believe
They drag me onto the battlefield
Against a reflection of myself,
My negative thoughts.
My opponent attacks me with words
She viciously convinces me
Who I am is a waste
And I attempt to fight back,
But I’m powerless
How do you defeat your mind?
She continues to attack,
Calling the razor to kiss my skin fiercely,
Until it is I guiding it
And I am defeated
I know this is what she wanted
And I’m sorry
I have not only lost the battle,
I’m so tired of fighting,
I’ve lost the war
I’ve lost to myself
I’ve lost myself
But in this moment
I am noting
I feel nothing
But the all too familiar
Emptiness
And the longing
To end it all