I will pretend
That you are beside me.
Arm touches yours
At each bump on the road.
I turn around;
Your face clandestine.
These baggage
Standing oppressively.

I will pretend
That you are beside me.
Because the last
Time I could not forget.
Tiny flutters
Rise and fall just the same.
I recognize
Your mark on everything.

I will pretend
That you are beside me.
Even if I'm
Already going home
A great distance
I allow you to be.
Forever gone,
A fact I'll never see.

I never knew what drowning felt like until I started having trouble
keeping my head above all the lies you had me swimming in

I could no longer feel the ground beneath my feet;
I had once felt so secure, coupled to the earth's surface,
but that security had quickly been replaced with the fear
and realization of who you really were
as soon as you began pushing me under

I could hear myself screaming for help, but nobody else could
my mind had been disconnected from my mouth,
and my thoughts were no longer being transmitted
I felt like I was looking at you through frosted glass;
I knew you were there, but your figure was blurry and distorted;
I could no longer make out the details

what I was seeing (or what I couldn't see),
along with the absence of oxygen, left me gasping for breaths
I knew would never fill my lungs again

it was too late, and this was too much

I wished so desperately that I hadn't let you get under my skin;
I'd never been afraid of large bodies of water
I welcomed the ocean into my life just as much as he had
welcomed me into his, using gentle currents to pull me closer
each time I visited

but he had turned against me, now under your control

you found the breach in my walls,
and I was foolish enough to let you in

the currents were no longer gentle;
the undertow had me out to sea before
I could make sense of what had happened,
and the dark water began to envelop me
your voice squeezed the last breath of air out of my throat while
your empty stare pushed me farther under the surface

the light slowly drifted up past me as the ringing in my ears
was drowned out by the deafening silence,
now suffocating me

I could feel sand beginning to build up,
first in my feet, then in my legs

I stopped resisting and let my eyelids flutter shut,
falling in harmony with my body

there was nothing to do
you were gone

darkness is the only thing I have ever known since

He would stand in the doorway every morning if it meant he could
Memorize the way she cradled the coffee in both of her hands.
And how her mouth kissed her cup hello, still too hot to drink.
He hated how the sunrise always ran over her face before he could even open his eyes to watch her breathe in the day,
But she made up for it in how her feet never truly touched the ground
And her perfume took residence in his pillow so even when she left
She was still there.
It wasn’t hard for him to realize that she was as much a part of his home as the socks that always found their way back under the bed.
And he’d never be able to look at that old, goodwill coffee machine again
Without thinking of the weight of her presence rising and falling on his chest.

I know you are hurting,
hiding with your shame and sadness.
I know you are coming apart,
breaking under the weight of this life.
I know you are about to give up,
drowning beneath the pain and despair.

But hear now, dear one -
Lift up your face, lift up your eyes.
Lift up your soul, lift up your heart.

There is mercy greater than your sin and shame.
There is grace greater than any of your mistakes.
There is hope, there is rest.

So come as you are, broken and hopeless.
Come as you are, fragile and fractured.
Come find mercy and grace,
come find love greater than anything you are.