Kelly Weaver

Kelly Weaver Dec 2017

Goosebumps
On goosebumps,
On goosebumps.
The air had grown cold by then,
My blue blood clouded my thoughts and the bathwater
My fingers dried up like a heart left in the sun for a bit too long
I was immobile.
My soapy eyes turned bright red The only heat supplied by my body was through my salty tears
I had managed to think of everything and nothing all at once
And it was a lot to process.

So I emerged and grabbed my towel from its hanger
I took my stance in front of the mirror and peered
I looked deep into my being to find what was keeping me here
And came up empty.
So I wrapped my arm,
I brushed my hair,
And I stepped back into reality.

#cold #depressed #suicidal #winter #sad #lonely #selfharm #crying

Kelly Weaver Sep 2017

what to do if you’ve fallen for a friend

Step 1) panic
Step 2) board up your doors and your widows
Step 3) dispose of your
rations, your water, your supplies. you won’t need them anymore.
Step 4) take a deep breath. breathe in, and breathe out
Step 5) now, take in a deep breath, and hold it until his name isn’t dancing on top of your tongue, and his face isn’t printed into your mind.
Step 6) keep holding.
Step 7) ...
Step 8) ..
Step 9) .
Step 10)

#feelings #love #death #heartbreak #friend

Kelly Weaver Aug 2017

our first house

We were young when we built our first house
Each brick was a dream of ours
And though the house was supported
We built it too big.
Too many empty halls,
Too many empty rooms,
So secrets began to check into them.
And when these house guests gathered for breakfast
Their welcome was outgrown.
So our big house emptied, one by one
And it seemed to be the end.

But of course, we could always downsize.

So we were still young when we built our second house
This time, being much smaller
But, unsurprisingly,
This home didn't last long either.
A huge storm arrived,
And tore the boards apart
Yet each gust was oh so tender,
It was as if they came from your hands.

And though I loved to be right,
I hated being right about this.

#heartbreak #cheating #love #hate #house #relationship #depression #trust

Kelly Weaver Jun 2017

The Worst Day of your Life

The worst day of your life could be spent in one of two ways:
1) with loved ones
2) alone.
However neither is as clear as it ought to be
You could walk home in the pouring rain
Or someone could lend you an umbrella,
But what the can't do is follow you home and make sure you don't drown in something else.
You could sit on the edge of a cliff and have your picture taken
But the photographer is simply being paid for the photos
Not to make sure you don't push yourself off of the edge.
Some people have a difficult time with differentiating between monsters under your bed and monsters in your head
So you're left with an exterior warmth but an interior frost.
And unfortunately, along with the death of the brain comes the death of the soul
So all that can remain is a memory of what you once were
Which can be shaped into different forms based on the people you've touched
There are no second chances.

So the next time you have the worst day of your life, choose to spend it with loved ones,
Even if you'd rather be alone.

#idk #depression #suicide #misery #stress

Kelly Weaver Jun 2017

Why Autumn is my Favorite Season

As newly-orange leaves trickle down from painted trees
I can smell the season.
And while not even my flannel could prevent goosebumps from forming on my pasty skin,
I feel a pair of arms wrap around the small of my waist
And I'm content.
Coffee brewing from a *** far too old,
I take a warm cup and a blanket
Accompanied by my favorite book
And my favorite guy
To sit out on the porch.
And while the crisp autumn air chilled my spine
I felt warm.
And though it's been years,
Every touch makes me nervous,
And places butterflies in my stomach.
And as a soft rain trickles down from the dark clouds above,
I'm sheltered.
I'm warm.
I am content.

#autumn #love #weather #coffee #warm

Kelly Weaver May 2017

Dear Diary,

Dear Diary, today is a new day
I waited for all the rain clouds to go away
Things may be looking up from here
I hope I'm not being too hopeful
Dear Diary, I didn't eat today
Not because of self image but rather my stomach's in frayed
Knots and I can't seem to keep anything down
Except the kind words of those who are around
Dear Diary, I couldn't sleep last night though I felt so tired
And that made it so hard to get up in the morning it felt like my
Shoulders were being held down by rain clouds
I wish I could fight this feeling somehow
Dear Diary, people keep asking if I'm okay which I
Don't understand but either way I say
Yes I'm okay, just a little blue
But at night it feels like my mind's split I two
Dear Diary, I cried ten times today
But my parents aren't asking me if I'm okay
I come home each afternoon and lay in my bed until my brain sings a different tune,
Dear Diary, I saw my doctor today
She FINALLY asked me if I was okay and I didn't
Know how to respond because honestly I didn't know on my own,
Dear Diary, I didn't wanna get up today
So I stayed in bed and it was there that I laid
And doodled on my arm with a razor blade until
Every foul thought slowly faded away,
Dear Diary, my parents have noticed my arms
But they didn't seem even remotely alarmed as I
Stayed in bed once more then I added on another four,
Dear Diary, I often wish I was dead because there
Are thoughts screaming at me in my head and I'm
Trapped in this cold body I'm in while I
Waste away as the walls slowly spin
DEAR DIARY, THEY PUMPED MY STOMACH TODAY
AND AFTER HOURS OF AGONY I WISH I HAD STAYED
HOME ONE MORE DAY SO ID HAVE MORE TIME
SO WHEN MY PARENTS CAME HOME THEY'D HAVE ONLY MY BODY TO FIND,
DEAR DIARY, I CAN'T GO ON THIS WAY,
EVERY DAY AFTER DAY IS FILLED WITH PAIN AND I'M
TRAPPED WITH THORNS AROUND MY THROAT BUT
I CANT BRING MYSELF TO BRING THEM UP CLOSE,
Dear Diary, today is a new day
I waited for all the rain clouds to go away
Things may be looking up from here
I hope I'm not being too hopeful.

#depression #selfharm #suicide #razors #pills #sad #diary

Kelly Weaver Apr 2017

to love a friend

Loving a friend can be as painful as rejection of any sort
Because one slip of the hand and things become awkward
You won't see them as much as you did
And when you do, there's tension
Like walking a romantic tightrope with a gust of wind pushing you from either side, a friendship keeps you stable
But bring love into the equation and it's one sided
You feel the wind working against you and though you may try, you cannot remain stable
You fall, farther than you ever thought you would
Or could
And what's at the bottom
Is even worse.

#love #friendship #trust #lust