i.
i met a boy with light brown eyes
and a nice smile, with glitter in his hair
and no blood on his hands, and
he reminded me of the rain and
sun at the same time.

  *ii.
he sometimes looked at me but it
wasn't with the same passionte eyes
i viewed him and i was certain he wasn't
longing for me to kiss his neck and graze
my teeth on the thin skin of his collarbone.

   iii.
he fascinated me in ways i couldn't even explain,
his mind was the ocean i wanted to dive in and explore,
but i found myself unable to swim in the deep water,
and i couldn't find a way out on the surface, i felt myself
drowning and his arms, which didn't even reach out for me,
couldn't save me.

    iv.*
i was buried by his laugh and drugged on his smile
but i couldn't wish for a more lovelier death.

...You are a wonderful man...
But you don't know my scars,
all the things I've been through.

...And yet you survived...
I see now, you don't understand
the reason to commit suicide.

...How can someone do such horrible thing?...
Well, you don't do it because you want to die,
you do it because you can't stand being alive.

i never thought that anyone could love me
until the day i wasn't there
to love anyone else
or myself

It hurts when you're dying inside
And when you're slowly running out of places to hide
They tell me it's all worth it
Maybe in its time
But all good things must come to an end
There is on bright light around this bend
Only the suffering stays
So don't you dare tell me this is just a phase
Where is my sweet release?
Don't tell me it's under this blade
I deserve peace
My very soul has decayed
There has to be more than this
Where is my saviour to pull me from abyss?
Tell me why it *hurts so much
Tell me why it won't leave me be
Tell me why there are days when I crave its touch
Tell me why it craves my debris
Please, make it stop!
Please, make it go away
*How loud must I cry?
MAKE IT GO AWAY!

The door slammed shut so long ago,
your shadow in the breeze,
I find the pencil and the song you wrote
that brought me to my knees.

Christmas came on lower branches,
the cheap seats, the lonely guitar,
I sang to the person who you used to be
and smoked out who you are.

Even now I am still diseased,
still struggling to find a G-d.

Thought I found him in the autumn leaves,
before I was certain, he was gone.

The window shook on its hind legs
as the widow swallowed her sleep,
the spider came out from his abattoir,
all searching in darkness deep.

In a single bed, teeth grit shut,
twisting sheets in the street-light glow,
I hold my pillow like a brand-new woman,
exchanging heat for the money I owe.

Even now I am still fatigued,
indebted to G-d and home-grown guilt.

I have learned to grow and plant my seed
far from shadows that bring me to wilt.