i was fine
until i remembered you
and i dont want you back
i just want the past to be my present
and live forever in your room
each day be the same as the last
just you
just me
surrounded by empty cans
listening to that one band
all it took was one smell
a reminder of when days were clearer
and my mind didnt blur
and i may have been sad
but who'd have known i'd be sadder
the days are getting shorter
i dont care
i care to much
i dont want to die
i want to have never existed

Its usually happens during the day,
I will catch myself laughing,
radiating genuine joy instead of the usual fraudulent happiness.
I'll feel the relief wash over me like a wave,
carrying away every dark thought i've ever had.
Leaving me feeling weightless and euphoric.
And in that brief moment
I can finally see the rays on sunlight
shining through the murkey waters of my mind.
I will be overwhelmed at the concept
to have finally made it.
To finally see the significant beauty of life
through untainted eyes.

Yet at 2am,
when the worlds asleep and i'm all alone.
The only company being
my bedroom walls.
The air will begin to thicken in my lungs,
and I will forget how to breathe.
The silence will scream at me as the empty
walls start to close in.
I will feel the numbness sink in,
and it will consume me,
as I let the tears fall begin to fall.

I will cry for myself,
and i'll cry for everyone I love.
I will cry for the ones who betrayed me,
and for all the people I have betrayed.
I will cry because there is nothing
I can do to stop the feeling of nothingness
and imense sadness hit me
in these early hours.
Tearing away my sanity with it's
claw like nails.


And only in the early hours
will I curse myself for being so niave,
foolish to think I could ever
escape my mind.
To think that I was ever ok.

Are you happy?

Before you answer,
remember there is a distinct difference
between being happy and feeling joy.
In the same way there is a difference
between being awake and waking up.
As joy is only temporary,
a short-lived burst of feeling.
An explosion of colours and laughter,
and in that moment you think
"yeah, maybe im alright".
But that sensation will dissolve
and you will be left feeling empty,
whereas happiness is constant and reasuring.

Now can you answer my question.
Are you happy? or are you still waking up.

I want somebody to sit with me on the rooftop at 2am,
talking about the world,
listening to slow songs.
I want someone who I can trust.
I want someone to live through adventures with me and who will love me as much as I love them.

she had beautiful eyes
the kind you could get lost in
and i guess
i did.