if you want to face the darkness
come up to where i am and meet it
i'm done hearing you talk of my darkness
as if you've really seen it
you're not fearless and you know it
i'm so far past this ****, so **** it
i'm not made of porcelain pieces
you were just one of my many vices

I’ve always been consumed with a sadness and heaviness i could never rid myself of
I wrote constantly.
I knew what heartache felt like and yet nothing could have prepared me for this.
I have not yet lost you.
You’re still here, you still love me.
But for how long?
My mind keeps running back to that sadness to that emptiness and i ask, “how much longer do i have?”
I’ve taken up tarot cards, runes and pendulums and i ask them all the time.
I ask them how things are really going.
I ask them if you still love me or if you’re only pretending.
“How much longer do i have?”
Why?
I want to be prepared.
I want to know you’re leaving before even you do.
I want to grieve before it happens so it doesn’t **** me.
I feel the anxiety burning in my chest already.

I find myself daydreaming about a future where I’m in a lonely little apartment late at night and I can feel your arms around me. However, when I roll over to face you there’s no one there and I remember that you’re with someone else and you’re happier with her.

I don’t want that to be real.

I don’t want you to leave.

I’m scared.

So I try to hope for the best but I want to prepare for the worst.
Please tell me how long I have. Please tell me before it ends.

I stand on sandy shores,
Looking out on the great blue,
Wishing I was away from me,
Or rather farther from you,


White sailboats,
Are just beyond my grasp,
And in blue paint,
On the side,
It claims happiness.

My toes curl,
In the damp sand,
Watching people run into the water,
While I'm stuck on land,
And I would swim as well,
But I'm afraid of sharks,
Or really anything,
That prefers the dark,

I know how to swim,
In the back of my mind,
Have I just forgotten then,
Or lost it with passing,
Tides?

It's now midnight,
On my sandy beach,
And I'm praying for the water,
To just reach my feet.

"Oh Ella, what have you done?"
Must I explain again?
I've fallen in love with fear,
It's made me stronger and
Fuled my brand of fire. Is that wrong?
"Oh Ella, what have you done?"
I'll say it once,
I've learned to slap sour, poetic, spitting lips
Away from my face
With no hesitation, is that wrong?
"Oh Ella, what have you done?"
I can't keep repeating.
I walked through hell with a smile.
Skipping around flames, letting dust
Tangle in my hair. Is that wrong?
"Oh Ella, what have you done?"
Do not judge my strength.
I've raised myself on the edge
Of the lion's backbone,
Now foverever changed, safe, why is that wrong?


"Oh Ella, what have you done?"
Nothing.

I no longer answer to you.

I'm not a happy person.
Can't you see?
Its just not easy for me to be happy.
Why can't you seem to get that?
I try to tell you in every form of communication.
But still you don't get it!?
I don't know what else to say.
Do you not believe me?

They say "when you know, you know"
And they're absolutely right
There's no grey area or blurred lines
There's only black and white

There's no ifs ands or buts
There's no uncertainty or fear
There's just that feeling in your gut
And you must listen when it appears

I'm not just talking about love
This applies to most things in life-
No matter what your head is thinking,
Your heart is usually right

Beware
the traveling soul
It will leave you
feeling beautiful
but it will eventually leave you