Happy anniversary.

Can you believe
That it’s been a year?
I can still feel the first time,
Your hands danced on mine,
A soft presence, almost shy.
I could barely pay attention
To the film playing on television
Because there, right beside me,
A story was already unfolding,
One that was far more fascinating
Than any other mystery.

And it was.
Here we are, a year later,
The story continues to be
The most gruelling mystery
Of two people ceasing to be,
Of you & I never becoming we,
Instead, a strange, foreign word
To each other’s vocabulary.
I thought we both saw ourselves
In this picture perfect future:
Lying together on crumpled sheets,
Watching Sherlock on repeat,
Reading poetry and drinking coffee,
A state of being indescribably
Happy.

We were never meant to be that.
Only a manuscript tossed in the trash.
We loved too little, and bled too much,
Too proud to break the silence.
Too scared to end the sentence.
So let’s scrap the ending,
And go back to the beginning:

Happy anniversary.

I am lost
in the labyrinth of my emotions
I am drowning
in the depths of my despair
I glanced back at you;
you looked away
I closed my eyes;
and turned away
thinking,
where did I go wrong?
our fire was blown fast, extinguished
I was once not sure
but now I do know:
things that ember
do not glow forever

I do not want to be touched like a steering wheel is touched;
Or a guitar-
Like I am a machine, an instrument made of parts,
Like if you pluck my strings, I’ll sing for you
Like I was only created to get you from point a, to point b,
Like I was made entirely to respond to your urgings. –

I do not want to be loved like a dog is loved,
Or a car.
Like I am the comforting warmth at the foot of your bed, or the meticulously painted frame you can’t wait to show your friends,
Because you still hope you can earn their respect. –
My love, I want you to touch me because it is through my skin that you can cool the fear that burns me,
I want you to want my body because it is the artistic expression of the person God made me!

Do you know that God made me? –

My love, I want you to love me because I AM the bones inside your body,
Because I am the ribs that curve around the softest part of your insides, protecting.

I want you to love the way it hurts to love me,
Because nothing worthy is painless,
and I am nothing if not worthy-

Do you know that I am worthy?

Nostalgia drips from my chin. Their faces haunt me.
The curl of her hair is what remains etched in my memory
The blue of her dress
The fading figures
The sting in his eyes
His lengthy physique
I still remember his veiny hands
Arms folded
I remember the meal
The sinking feeling in my stomach
Waving in the distance
My ears are deafened by the sound
My heart deadened
As though someone else is wearing my body
My insides tremble
I remember the curl of her hair
The fading figures
Waving
I can still ******* tears
The lump in my throat
My soul enswathed in unrelenting murk
I feel but I cannot feel
I cannot recall yet I remember the way the sun felt on my skin
I cannot remember the final embrace
I cannot recall these things
I can still feel this thing
I cannot face it
The curl of her hair
I remember the blue of her dress
Fading shadows
Waving, smiling
I cannot forget the curl of her hair.
The blue of her dress
It is etched onto everything I touch, feel
It lives in between these painful breaths I take
Even now I cannot look at their faces.