I have spent the last 3 years trying
to understand
1095 days worth of questions
Like how you can still claim you love him?
How you can claim you just want his happiness?
When you're the reason it's gone

I blamed myself for a while
Thinking I caused this riff
That I broke your family apart
Since I wasn't the girl you really wanted him to marry

And I wanted to be that girl so badly
I wanted your acceptance and love
For you to call me your daughter in law
Or to congratulate us when he proposed
But you came at me with hate and bitters
Because to you I just won't ever be enough

This hung in my heart so heavy
That my love for your son could ruin your life
How could you let your feelings for me let you hate him?
And if you ask him you always have
From the moment he was born
Even he wasn't even enough for you

So 1095 days later I'm starting to realize
Any other mother would love a women
Who's seen the absolute worst in her child
And still stands by his side
Any other mother wouldn't be able to go
3 entire ******* years
Without saying she was sorry
That she was wrong.

I hope one day all that hate in your heart fades away
That you'll throw away your pride and love your oldest son
And his wife
That you'll appreciate how great our life without you had been
And how much you've cost yourself.

I didn't really drink
Not until you
Until the vacancy of a life I'll never know appeared

I chase the sunset drenched in tequila
Hoping maybe I can wake up and you never existed
And I never made any choices

I gave you away to freedom
I gave you absolutely no pain
At least you'll never grow up and hate me

I'll wonder if you would have loved the dogs
If any of them would have claimed you as theirs
If you would have looked like me or him
If you would have liked ******-Doo as much as I did

But I don't regret
And I don't often dwell
On you and the person you could have been
Or who I would have became

I don't know what happened to be honest
Maybe it was the first time I'd driven by there alone
Or I just felt the wave of nostalgia grip me just right
and drag me with it

I couldn't even remember which apartment was yours
Because even though I'd held you in my heart since I was Twelve
We never really discovered magic
Not enough for me to remember directions anyway

But I pulled into a lot that looked somewhat like yours
and stared up to the balcony on the third floor
Remembering bright orange hair
Me pretending to be drunk
Fireworks and getting you to count down with me
To a new year that you wouldn't be a part of

When I saw no lights
And no you smoking a clove cigarette
I got back into my car and sped off
Thinking if I drove by your job maybe you'd be walking home like you always did
That I could offer a ride
That I could offer an explanation as to why I was gone

When I retrace my steps with you I still don't know where to go
It's like they didn't belong to us, like I was a place holder
And I think about seven years and no understanding
That on valentines day all I ever wanted was a stupid box of candy
Or a note about how much I meant to you

Seven years was a long time in my life
Filled with honey brown eyes, freckles, loose curly golden hair
Many late night walks in our old neighborhood
Lunches spent in the library reading and sleeping
One date to get sushi, one night sleeping in your arms
So many debates I could't even count
And the first time my bitter heart felt love

But I drive home instead
Remembering why I just hung up when you yelled that I cheated on you
Letting you break up with me and never uttering goodbye
Why I spent the last few months as yours
Daydreaming about him

When I retrace my steps there is no sign of you
I'm starting to realize it's better that way.

It's a hole
This I am sure of
It leads down to the place where the sun never comes out
Where I'm sitting on a sewer drain
My hair in knots upon my head
My crown of ignorance

I shouldn't allow myself to make that trip
But I do almost daily
I see in the 20/20 vision I most certainly do not have
My heart ripping at the seams in slow motion
The way I shudder with every drag of the cigarette
A blank expression waiting for a sign that never came

I figure one day I'll be strong enough to fill this hole with concrete
Watch it harden and not dig it back up
But I truthfully never made emends for the reasons it got so far
Years later I don't see how I could
I mean how many people would listen in the first place?

So many nights I go down the hole
Chipping away at the foundation,
Watching it grow in size every time
I always imagine it will be different
As far as I know there's been no luck
I fear there never will be.

I remember being 10
Looking down at myself
no one could ever love this body
I remember beating myself up
Nothing close to perfect

I remember being 14
Dressing like a boy to hide my body
Looking down at my body
Stretch marks and rolls
no one will ever love this body
So how could I begin to be perfect?

But this morning as I was leaving
You wrapped your arms around me
Kneeling down you kissed me on the stomach
Felt my stretch marks
Kissed my rolls
I looked down to a man who loves me
For everything I am
To you I am perfect
And that was all the strength I ever needed

"Do you trust me?"
Why not?
I had nothing to loose
Just myself, technically
So I strapped in

Do you know how it feels to dance for years?
I twirled in circles around my feelings for you
Love is what I called it
To be honest I don't even know when it became love
But when our lips fell upon one another for the first time
I felt the magic poets bleed for

I was stupid when it came to you
I let you kiss me in closets at school
Touch me in front of all our friends
I let you take my virginity because you made me laugh
And I didn't expect you to stay

I remember just asking you to pretend
To just lay there with me and not ruin what every girl dreams of
I guess in my own ****** up way this is what I dreamed up
Two unstable kids who desperately needed each other
And the horrible story of their first year together

I didn't trust you
I fear you one day reading this and knowing that
But let the sting fade away when you realize we are not those people
One year ago you held me knife to my throat
"Do you trust me?"
No.