You tell me I should y'all
Text y'all
In those dark moments

But the **** am I supposed to say?
That I can't call you
Because
I am terrified of the condescending tone you use
That you think I can't hear
But will stay with me far longer
Than the attack?

And sometimes I feel I can just sense the judgement coming up cc you
as you look at my life
And don't see the pretty *** how on it

Should I call you back
After ye feelings have passed
To tell you how *******
bad I feel interrupting your
Previously scheduled program
For my break down?

Should I call you just during the major ones?
Or the mini ones that hot during the day
Should I add you on speed dial
For the six or seven times I'll call?

Should we make a schedule
Like the nurses do-
Who's on call
For the M train emergency tonight?

Should I tell you that 30% of the time at my therapist
Is spent deconstructing
Your reactions
To my actions?

No?
Cool.
Let's carry on as per usual then.

Maybe it was better this way,
Better to learn this today,

Rather then trying to **** up a hard truth,
In years older then my youth,

you took my life,
and made me sharpen my knife,

and I handed you it,
you stabbed me with it,
and wouldn't even toss me the first aid kit,

Satin white stained red,
from blood shed,

and I sat there and wilted away,
and you still took my body and played,

And maybe I owe you a thank you,
Because now I have a few clues,

I know what you did was ****,
But at lest you let me escape,

who else would of let me out of there *******?
even if it was without your doing...

so let me just make this loud and clear
Because I might even toast with my beer,

Yes you may have helped me learn something,
but I learned that you matter no more than a piece of string,

but you were that worthless ******* piece of string,
that was holding my world together at the seams,

My heart pounds in my ears
My breathing wracks my body
I can't think
I can't stop the
Panic attacks that attack me

Stupidest reasons
Lead to me crying
Lead to me screaming
Lead to me dying and
Nightmarish dreaming
Waking up sweating
Yet freezing cold
My heart squeezing in fear.

Always afraid
Always wary
Always watching out for
The panic attacks that attack me.

Hidden somewhere
A dark corner somewhere
My head in my hands
And a scream in my throat
Silent. No one can hear
No one can know
Quiet despair.

I can't breath
Though I'm trying
I can't scream
Though I'm trying
I can't quite get my nails through my skin
Though I'm trying.
Even seven feet below in the dark
In this state I can't
Reach my goal of ending my life.

My lips can't move as fast as my head
And my head can't describe what I'm feeling
My feelings are leaving me reeling
So confused and hopeless
Close to help but can't reach it
My lips can't wrap around the words I need.
Can't wrap around a simple "Help Me"

So I lay in my room
Hidden somewhere dark
And I let the tears
Leave their marks
On my pillows
On my sheets
On my face.
And I sob silently as the
Words I don't wan't to hear
And lies lead me away.
Silent screams and zero breath reaching
My shaking body and my
Panic attacks just attack me again.