I
I loved you whole heartedly once
Under your bedsheets under the silence
Or any place covered in darkness
Where no one could see the way
Your flesh melded into​ mine
I suffered a year drowning in grief
You lived a life never committing
We met by chance and latched on
I loved how free your memories were
How wild your plans could be
I loved the life i found in your eyes
I enjoyed the rasp in your voice
Heavy with love, heavy with lust

                          II
I loved how you helped me heal once
Never had I loved in others
The parts I loved in you
You joked that you were my first
I'll never forget your bucket list
Give birth to life, love intensely,
Save a life, kiss a ******
You said you'd name your first child
Washington, where your heart belonged
You had fond childhood memories there
I remember making similar plans
Before life made its own plans for me
My thoughts were lingering on him
We argued about that some times
Screaming with lust, screaming in anger

                          III
I didn't know how to love you once
I was full of tantalizing words
Sizzling on the tip of my tongue
Waiting to tell you how I felt
But his name was the only thing
That could escape from my lips
You'd shout and cry and break things
You said my heart was an enigmas
Full of love for things that didn't exist
Full of love for people that no longer lived
I loved him imensely, I loved you intensely

                        IV
I love how you moved on once
You deserved better than to be
Someone's ***** little secret
You were anything but that to me
I didn't want you to fight ghosts
Because of my inability to let go
It was better off that way
Your mother called me one day
Five years after you walked away
I wore your favorite color as asked
Finally met your family years too late
I'm sure you checked off every item
From your bucket list right before
Your brother handed me your baby
He weeped as he told me that
She was named after where
Your heart really belonged
She carries your love, she carries my name

I stood
on the stone
of sturdiness
only
to find myself
far away from
stability
and simply
balancing

I have read and seen
written and tasted
all the letters
in a cocktail
of words
with the after-taste
of meaning
the effect
of a poem
and the resonance
of a
hangover

i want to tape my mouth
'cause sometimes i can't control what comes out
it's like someone else is in control
and after what has been said make damage
it leaves and i'm the one responsible for

i want to close my eyes
'cause whatever disappoints me makes me wanna cry
and if i don't contain my tears and keep it down
i might drown

i want to cover my ears
'cause i'm too low to control my fears
and every little change on the tone of your voice
can make me wanna quit

i want to repress my nose
to not looking for more sorrow
i have to stop mind other people business
even if it has to do with me