I hear the rain hit the street
I hear my fear cutting deep
Broken, slightly
My heart will forever have this hole
Gaping of insecurities

He looks into my eyes
Broken emerald, slightly yellow
His look shatters my soul
Dark are his eyes
His glare is bold

He grabs my hand
Bitten nail beds, slightly sweaty palms
I feel myself tremble
The self hatred I embody thickens
The sweat on my hands glistens

I want so much love
I need affection
Broken hearts are my specialty, slightly offended
He touches my hair
I tremble

I hear the rain falling on the patio
I feel my heart beating in an uneven ratio
Beats skip slightly when he says my name
Across the passenger's seat
I see him fix his hair
Take a drag from a cigarette

I want to be the cigarette
Burning more than slightly in his fingers
I want to be the one on his lips
He pulls me in
Breathes me in
Exhales

The rain hits the patio
The insecurities swallow me whole
Take me in deeper
Deeper than he
Further inside me than he'll ever be

Low in the dirt
You find me mourning
The loss of my soul
Gone with no warning
Deep inside the grass
I weep
Wondering if anyone listens
To me as I speak
The voice of a rodent so small
I wonder if I'm even seen at all
I'm a tree with no leaves
A sky with no clouds
I'm alone in the dirt
Low in the groud

am I foolish?
for continuing to dream of love
for planning a future filled with happiness
when the world around me is drowning
when children are being killed in the streets
am I selfish?
for hoping I have kids
for wanting my own garden in the yard
when forests are burning around me
when others are mourning lost ones

I always see people post things on social media with their significant others, and they're so in love. I want to be in love. I want to be so deeply obsessed and coexist with someone. I want someone to tell me the little things they love about me, and I want to be compared to the light that softly shines through the blinds in the morning. I want to be told that everything about me is magnificent. I want to wake up everyday next to a human that values me as much as I value them. I want to hold someone's hand and fall asleep watching cartoons with them. I want to be loved. I want to be wanted, and I want it to be real. I don't want a cookie cutter, false relationship. I want to be woken up at 3 in the morning because they want to tell me about a dream they had. I want to go out and buy groceries with someone at 9 am in our pajamas before we really start our day. I want someone who will offer me a drag of their cigarette and someone who will never hesitate to make sure I'm comfortable with everything before they take action. I want to be in love. I want it to be real.

Everytime you walk away,
You bring the warmth with you.
Don't you know I'm anemic?
Do you feel the cold too?
It seems untrue,
That you love me the way I do you.

outside the hospital, I sit lonely in my car
wondering if any of the words you said meant anything
or if they were just knives and scalpels for you to use to cut me open and see further into my damaged body?
was any of it ever real?
or were you so obsessed with blood,
it didn't matter how bad the wounds were?

There are razor blades threaded in my tongue
Each time I go to speak
I end up cutting off someone
And the ceiling cracks from the heavy weight footsteps of the creatures living above me
I am terribly conscious
And horribly aware of the things surrounding me
The crumbling pain into which the children of younger generations were born
Birthed into a dead space where we will all become deceased
But when do I find the meaning of living?
I've tried to be patient and I've tried to be calm
But my mind has a timer that ticks like a bomb
Explosive thoughts and cancerous feelings are all that patrol my mind and soul
I hope I don't live to be old

Your name tastes sweeter on my lips than his ever has
And her's is a sour taste to you

It's sort of like when red mixes with blue
It creates a sort-of lilac hue

I like to think that's you and me
We always had superior chemistry

Compared to anyone else I've ever claimed to love
You fit me like a glove

Everyone else is like a shirt that's too big or a tie that's too tight
But you always fit me just right

Although the most repulsive taste to me
Is when you speak of glee

I can brush the flavor off my tongue
By distracting myself with someone

My eyes are glazed over from all the times I have said, “I love you”.
Like a blank slate, my soul is empty.
My tongue hurts from all the times I asked, "What are we?"
Instead of just waiting and letting time tell its tale.
My body aches from grabbing my stomach and questioning, "Why can't I lose this weight!"
I'd feel so much more beautiful if it would just leave!
My shoulders crash into the couch cushions
I stare at my phone, my laptop, then my floor.
"When will he reply to me?" I wonder.
I have been waiting on a response all night long.
All day. All year. All of my life. I have been waiting.
But will I ever find peace in anything I am given?
"Why isn't anything ever enough?" I ponder.
Do I simply overlook the beauty in the things closest to me?
The way my hair curls up over my ears,
The way one of my teeth is a little crooked.
Are these the little things I have never appreciated because I have always expected someone else to appreciate them for me?
"When will I be satisfied?" I question myself in the mirror.
Then softly whisper a response,
"Never."

I am becoming less relevant
In the eyes of the ones I love
Maybe it's just my brain
Shutting down

He posts photos of nature
Does he love her more than me?
She betrayed my friendship
Does it mean anything?

I'm just a one beat song
In a world of musical beings
Writing down words
With awkward spacing

I call poetry my love
I have no idea what I'm doing
Everyone has their someone
I just wish my someone had me

His lips will taste different than any lips I've ever consumed
They always do
The most savory treat that I've had the pleasure of eating
Devouring.
Grabbing hold of, grasping firmly, and just scarfing down what is ultimately delicious
What is entirely mine
A snack that few have inhaled
That few have feasted upon
The perimeter that encompasses the area to which he makes me feel such bliss
Causing me to fall limp on my knees
Begging for more
Craving.
Pleading.
That I desire becomes every thing I've ever deserved
All I've ever wanted
Paralyzed by lust, he places his lips in bearings I have only dreamed of
Hallucinations struck into me by love itself
Debilitating.
Numbing.
Leaving me raw and defenseless
An unconcealed breast shimmering in the light cast from the sunset
Peaking through the drapes
The feeling of fragility keeping me taut
Strong.
Beautiful.
As he takes over my body
I lose my sense of self
Only to have it come back to me another day
Greater.
Grander.
More ***** than pure
When he places his hands on me I feel more alive than I have in years
And suddenly, there is no such thing as insecure
I am lovely
Gorgeous.
Better than any of the rest
No one else he skims will feel softer on his fingertips.

I tighten my jaw as if it's a *****
The bolt won't fasten to me as hard as you

A defense mechanism I have carefully crafted
Barricading the doors to prevent all passage

Into my mind there's a portal of doubt
I doubt that you could ever get out

Winding steps and stairs
Broken bones and ma mère

My brain is ruined with a surplus of trash
A car that was always destined to crash

Look me in the eyes and I'll push you away
It has become increasingly hard for people to stay

My doors are shut the curtains are closed
"Go away!" I yell, "no one is home!"

I had healed the wound to a scab
but now it's bleeding again
merlot stains on my sheets
sobbing under a bandage
I wish I was a doctor

I love your black hair
and the way you stare
at me
before we kiss lightly

I love your blue eyes
your hands on my thighs
and your fingers in mine tightly

I love the way your kiss tastes
the shape our legs make
when our faces
are pushed together slightly

I love your heart
and I love your face

I love you
and I love the shape of your waist

the way your hips curve
the way your hair falls

I’m lucky to be in love
with you at all

I locked all the doors that surround my heart
But why did I give you the keys?

After unlocking the door,
I turn around and lock it behind me
That's just what you do
But I never found myself locking doors behind you

I'd forage new keys and open new spots
I'd find places that were filled with grand thoughts

Words I'd never share with anyone because no one knows
How my brain doesn't shut off at night
and in my heart there's only coal

I don't know if I treat myself the way I do
because of me
or because of you.
But, I sure as hell know the feeling of being half-******
is better than the feeling of being alone.

easily
I am forgotten
torn apart
similar to nothing

back of the line
I receive no praise
like snow melts
in driveways

I break my back
you steal the brace
preventing me
from winning first place

what's the point
in this senseless commotion
I have no fans
you have extreme devotion

You still cross my mind from time to time
I remember those winter nights with you
When you drove your mom's car in the wrong gear all the way home
Listening to the same Vampire Weekend album we always had on repeat
We would always listen to the same songs but I'd never get tired of them
I'd never get tired of you
Those blue eyes against your hair that was dyed black because we thought we were punk
The way your hair would fall onto my face whenever you'd kiss me
And those freckles that you'd get that were carved so deeply into your skin
That'd you'd only see them if you really stared
When you would mumble songs into my chest and I'd try to harmonize with you
Even though you were the singer
I'd listen to your band's music every night because your voice soothed me to sleep
I'd never met anyone as talented as you
You had more patience and kindness than anyone I'd ever known
That was really new to me
You made me nervous
There was that one time we went to go see my best friend play music at a bar but we were both underage so we couldn't go in
On the drive back it started snowing
And I loved you
You'd squeeze my hand three times to tell me you loved me too
That's the way your grandmother used to do it
I remember all the details
You had that tattoo on your ribs that no one could see except me
It was like my little secret piece of you
You told me you were obsessed with the girl obsessed with space
But I was just obsessed with your face
Your moms and dad and step mom and brothers were always so kind to me
I saw myself marrying you
You'd be a great father
I think about you almost everyday
I know you're in love with her
I'm so happy to see that you're better off without me
Like I told you you would be

eighteen
flowers on your car
poems in my journal
the blue of your eyes
your smile in the moonlight
my taurus sun

Unsaturated and full of fear
Speaking faintly, consciously
Through these stupid ******* poems
Both of us adore so much
Refreshing every second to see if you have said more
Please say more.

Five fingers clasped hands I held so tightly
That now hold this stupid pen I use to write to you
When will we grasp the courage to speak?

Never will I feel safe to spill onto you
The pool of blood and tears my heart and eyes contain
Why am I still hung up on the very thing that first tied the noose?

stop shaking your leg
why do you move so much?
stop biting your nails
why don't you paint those nails?
put on deodorant
how can you sweat so much?
stay inside tonight
why do you never hangout with us?
stop clenching your teeth
you always seem so uptight
don't think about that
why are you always so sad?
get up and get dressed
why do you always wear that?
put on makeup it's pretty
you look better without makeup
don't wear makeup
why do you look so dead?
people won't stare if I wear all black
who died?
quit with all these nervous ticks!*
you always act so concerned...

I keep trying to convince myself I don't love you anymore,
But whenever anxiety comes knocking at my door,
Whenever my life has gone array,
My friend,
I am so glad you have stayed.
I want you in every aspect of my life.
I know that seems crazy.
I promise I'm not obsessed,
But it's you I need when I'm feeling distressed.
I don't want to love you,
My dear,
But I do!
I am entirely head over heels for you.

Oh, what I would give to kiss you one last time
Your lips were as divine as wine.
A strawberry shortcake
Soft and sweet
Dripping and delicious
You were always such a treat.
I don't eat meat, but if I did,
My teeth would be dug deep in your skin.
I really don't know what you think about me
I just miss you, my strawberry.

Dipping your feet into pools of dark chocolate may sound atrocious
But as I sink to the water's floor my lips discover your kisses
Blackened lines skewed across your skin
Make me wonder where your heart begins
As I traced the contour of your body
You quiz me with philosophical questions others find too heavy
The light bulb in my brain was dull til I met you
But I learned all it needed was a *****
Never before have I felt so alive
I haven't ever felt that drive
Sweet nothings you whisper in my soul
What truly is your goal?
Akin to your touch, in fear of denial
You can't help but stare straight into my eyeballs
The color of toads with the texture of glass
Its impossible to imagine life in the past

I gazed at you
delicately existing
under glowing street lights
I wished we could dance

He kisses his boyfriend on the street
While another couple decides what to eat
A father of two enraged by the love
decides to take their lives
his gun fits like a glove
50 dead because they were gay
More than 50 injured in the same way
Because a man was offended
he thinks it's okay
thinks it's okay to fire away
To take the breath from beating hearts
to make people feel like they must not be a valuable work of art
How could someone commit a hate crime so cruel
to ****** people he considered "unusual"
The mother of a victim was not ready to rent a hearse
His brother curses and thinks he's the worst
How could someone be so monstrous?
Making every LGBTQ+ member feel cautious
Cautious of losing their life in the street
Making them fear going out to eat
Going to shows, to movies, even the grocery store
This is not life.
This is like war.

I found myself growing backwards.
I was sunflowers before I was a seed.
I have allowed myself to be hurt the way I did to you
Now, I know I really did love you.
It took a whole year of abusive relationships and manipulation for me to learn what love is.

Love is the way you would sit next to me in silence when I was anxious
And not yell at me the way he did.

Love is the day you told me I was beautiful and meant it
When he just used it as an excuse to touch me.

Love is the times you drove me home when I was too sad to move
While he pretended I did not exist.

Love is the feeling I got while holding your fingers in mine
They had the warmth his lacked

Love is all the times I got scared and pushed you away
Because I knew he wasn't going to stay

Love is the hours I spent in your car talking about the universe
While he told me that I was not smart

Love is your smile and the way your eyes crack
Not suffocating with his hands pressed against my neck

Love is when you asked me if it was what I wanted
And he didn't listen when I said, "stop".

Love is when you told me you loved me
and I didn't believe it

When the sky turns black and I'm deep in bed,
I can't get the thoughts of you out of my head.

"You!" I yell.
What a lovely word!
I just hope that no one has overheard.

Yes, I like girls
Yes, I like boys
No, I don't like to toy
With people's hearts
I find them quite fragile
No, I'm not agile
I won't steal your love
No, I don't like three or above
I like girls
I like boys
I love myself
And I'm not a toy

propped symmetrical between the silence of pastel walls
my aching heart selected today
to violently sob about things that I cannot change
that's when I whispered, "I love you."
to a pillowcase that didn't listen

Sweat
Fills my palms
I scratch
My head
Pulling out
All my hair
On the inside
I am screaming
On the outside
My eyes
Fall deep
Into their concave
Sockets
Shaking
I swear
Out loud
Sorry mom
I am not angry
Just disappointed

All my friends go out at night
Drinking beer
Getting in fights
I like to stay in
Watch TV
Do they think this is weird of me?
I don't do drugs
I don't drink beer
And I haven't in about a year
I don't like to party
I don't like to rage
Am I trapping myself up in a cage?
I get left out
Because I'm edge
But I don't want to be 20 and dead
I love my body
I love my soul
I don't want to damage that
With alcohol

My voice is weak from screaming all day
She runs from me
To you she prays
A nest of blankets and pillows surround me entirely
Trying to give me the love you ripped out of me
Never again will I be the same
A lover I am no longer
Because of your name
Emotionally distraught
Filled with anger and fear
I haven't cried as many tears
As when you were here
Two years later and I'm still a mess
I broke the one person that loved me
I'm sorry for this

the concept of you has captivated every mental process I have.
when I wake in the morning, I see the light luster through the blinds.
I believe it'd look better strewn across your face at 7 A.M. than it ever has on anyone else's.
my sheer sheets would appear better draped athwart your skin and bones than over my own.
the highlights and shadows in the curls of your hair would entrance me and my fingertips for hours.
we could lay in silence or with our favorite records playing in the background for days, and I'd never complain once.
because all the time I get to spend with you now makes up for all the years I had to live without you.

Into a depression I fall with glee
Wondering if happiness only needs a key

being alive
is one of the strangest things that's ever happened to me
outside of myself
I found that I am nothing but a fractal of being
and a fragment of thought

I heard my heart break today
It happened when I saw her face
With your mouth puckered across a blush stained cheek
The air froze as did I
I was foolish to think you could ever be mine
The blonde hairs that have been threaded through my dreams
Suddenly became cobwebs of a love I'll never be

I'll drive in circles around the neighborhood
blaring your favorite song from that winter
with the windows down and the heat on blast
but I won't notice you're not in the passenger's seat singing along with me
til I go to grab your hand
and find all that's there is an old coke bottle and an empty pack of cigarettes that I smoked to get the memory of you off my tongue
I'll burn all the gas in my car until the fuel light comes on
but that will never bring you back to me

What does depression look like?
Oh, please tell me. I must know!
Is it just a hoax or a mind game played with me?
Why does it feel like my heart will bleed?
That pitter-patter I hear in my chest
Is it just a heartbeat or is a metronome ticking away the minutes until my mind goes astray?
What does depression look like?
A foggy glass pane?
That noise it makes when it rains?
It feels like an eternity, when it's only been an hour.
It feels like when you can't get out of the shower.
What does depression look like?
Oh can't you see!!!
Depression, oh depression, is inside of me!
He is not polite and he does not use manners!
He just barges in and demands I answer
What does depression look like?
My bed hasn't been made in years and my friends all bore me to tears
But where do I draw the line
Between where my brain is ****** up and everything is fine?
Please, God, tell me!
Does everyone feel this way or is it just me?
Am I being irrational?
Do I let my brain wander?
Between what's real or if it was just a blunder
What does depression look like?
I haven't left the house in months
And when I do I just feel in a rut
I wonder if people see me and think I'm okay?
I wonder if I prayed this would all go away?
I'm a being of lonliness, sorrow and despair.
I'm a creature cursed with depression
My bones are crumbling and bare
What does depression look like?
You tell me 
I'm quiet on the outside and screaming internally
I feel myself decaying and I feel my heart breaking
I just want to wake up from this horrifying dream
Where every piece of me is splitting at the seams
I don't try to be depressed
I want to smile but it's hard when there's weights pulling down on your eyeballs
And I want to tell you all that I'm not okay
But I'm afraid I can't come out with that
No not today.

I sketch out lifeless figures on notebook paper
As if they will receive some sort of praise or justification

I am unaware of the people around me
The suffering they all face

I sit
Heavily caught up in the waves of my own self absorbant prophecy

Why am I so aloof?
Who is there to stop me?

Myself?
I will remain untouched

By the pounding fist of progress
I will lay

A lifeless figure
Gently sketched out on notebook paper

Below me
You lay on the floor
Innocently
I cannot help
But see your beauty

Crystal blue eyes
A smile piercing
Through my soul
A place you occupy
Way too often

*******
Why do you do this
How do you do this
To me