Once more unto the breach,
dear friends;
We tremble, we
withdraw our pens
We sit still, listen
Calm, collected
To prove our brains
Have not defected,
Once more letting them teach
Our heads
We caw and flutter
Fresh from beds.
We wait long, patient
Trudge the trenches,
to stave away
Failure's stenches.
Once more, until we meet
Our ends;
Continue calling
What luck might send,
We want most, if not all
The gifts unknown,
To make them known.
And yet this day
Is clearly done,
We slump away
Back to our homes.
We write our fingers,
to the bones.
Sleep and toss,
(A dream's a peach)
Then once more,
Unto
The Breach.

Crystal gleaming, blinding sight,
I crawl, small seeming, though tall, I tried.
So hard to stand in dark evolution,
the solution claimed as stark;
Yeah right.
I need a change under the sun,
But forest ranger is my part.
So only night, lit by lamplight
Conceives revolution
in this Dark.
What choice do I have?
Which paths to take?
Green stained machetes
Dictate the stakes.
Long for the sun,
And long, we may,
Alas,
Must do with a lamplit day.

I lost my voice
when I forgot
the secret of the craft.
What secret, love, is that?
The written word
not born of mouth,
no mother, none at all,
not even you
Not I?
It’s true,
Yet, can’t escape the draw;
composing with my maw—
So choking on the weight
of all that I have written;
hands are bound behind me
with all that I’ve forgot—
Oh, words that I’ve forgot!
*(It’s only writer’s block.)

I wait up for you,
living on a screen,
How I want to scream,
for you to love me.

I think of you,
I push you so away,
Please, don't stay,
inside my head.

Not in my head.

Because all there is
is no more.
Because all there was,
is not here.
Because all there is
has no results found.
And all there will be
lies with you.
Lies in you.
Do I love you?
Oh how I hope not.

I wake up in the morn,
to my eyes the sun came
my mind said your name,
no not again.

My horizon's not you
love was all in disgust,
mind bubbles I couldn't trust,
your eyes.

Then you looked at me.

And all there was,
was no more.
Because all there was,
was not here.
Because all there is
has no results found.
And all there will be
lies with you.
Lies in you.
Do I love you?
Oh how I hope so.

I don't write of beauty.
I've tried to reconnect with the world,
In the simple way, perforated innocent youth,
But they know. They sense I am not pure.
The woman across the counter:
The spunky pixie cut and cherry red lips.
I hand over my cash and a smile,
asking, begging with my eyes to be smiled at, too.
She drops three dollars and 73 cents into my palm,
and a suspicious glance into the air between us,
I leave with a sorrow, seen unwarranted.
Sitting outside in a chill and an iron chair
where others may dare to enjoy themselves
I attempt to compose, finding that my heart is closed,
and my hand is scribbling nonsense into empty space.

This time
A year ago
I was the same.
And yet, completely different.
Things were different.
But I feel that we're coming to a new beginning.
Something,
Better.
And yet exactly the same.
I'm about to feel beautiful
Again.

My heart and mind are tired now.
Yet, I still have the desire to be something different.
But this time,
When I plunge into the unknown,
It will be with knowledge,
And carefulness.
And a greater understanding
Of how to avoid mistakes.

What is this? Oh what is this?
My word, my Love, I thought I’d missed!
And in the darkened depths of deep,
I saw no light, but dreams in sleep.

Yet, hark! The blinding light of day,
For from the depths, I’d come away!
And in the water, pure and clean,
I float so softly down a stream.

Alas, thought I, must be a vision,
dream of Sublime with great precision.
As my heart sank, so did my body,
(subconscious world should be so haughty)

I struggled soft, now sitting straight,
the word around did not abate.
I looked in awe, what should I see?
My love there standing, smiling at me.

I ran to him, tears flying so,
we fell beneath the tulips, low.
We laughed and cried,
Groaned and died,

Beneath the flowering cherry tree,
Beside the stream, singing to me,
Below the sky of dreams to be,
Betwixt the tulips, thousand three.

Could this be true? Oh how are you!
I ask my Love, facing the sky.
He turns to me, his face is blue,
Shocked, but still, I ask not why.

And out of silence, this I hear,
disturb’d water, splashing thus;
I turn to look, and this I fear,
a darkened demon; run, I must.

Yet petrified I do remain,
the greatly grinning gargoyle barks,
I clutch my Lover’s hand in vain,
for he, still blue, is frozen, stark.

“What shall we have for dinner, say?”
Was demon’s question to be solved.
“I must ask you to go away!”
He cackles loud at my resolve.

And flies to me, hands ‘round my neck,
Somehow, now, my Love is gone.
Should I have kept my heart in check?
For love is what demons dine on,

Beneath the flowering cherry tree,
Beside the stream, singing to me,
Below the sky of dreams to be,
Betwixt the tulips, thousand three.

The moment is subtle,
Raindrops on the lake.
The sun warms my tired face
Your look is not fake.

But you own me, you know this,
That gleam in your eye.
I hold onto your chest,
Glance up at the sky  

All that I thought of,
All that I knew
About me and myself,
Is destroyed by you.

The moment is simple,
I waited for this.
You lean in I lean in....
The good morning---


*wakes up

The heart knows
The heart is done
When the heart is burnt
From too much fun.

The brain wants
The brain to sleep,
When brains are tired
Of trying to keep

All the pain
And shame at bay
When all the hatred
Wants you to stay.

And in the end
When morning comes
My face is warm,
And it is done.

I am done.

The ashes fly
From their bowl,
The birdies squeaking
In their hole,
The jets that zoom
Aggressively by;
But I could flick them
From the sky.
The beach is tamed,
Picture the past,
Bulldozers dozing
Through sandblast.
The locals crying
For their lost cove ,
Two white men gloating;
In their self-made
treasure trove.

What can I say for my past?
Mistakes crawled out of my system
And into my world
with each careless thought that echoed
Throughout my conscious reality...
But I can say for myself,
I never let it be "okay".
I never let a callous grow,
Over the innocent light of my soul.
I never let myself accept my wrong-doing
I never allowed myself to feel happy.
I always felt as if I was meant to be perfect.
And I always tried.
But being perfect means doing the right thing.
And the right thing, being synonymous with
Pain
Suffering
And solitude,
One doesn't often purposely throw themselves into such a chamber of Hell.
But cleansing, it is, and always will be.
To erase our wrongs, there is no way.
But to change our most deep-rooted,
Destructive choices...
That is the way to ensure a clean soul.
And a peaceful mind.

Now, I am her,
Who I know myself to be.
I'm alone, but I have myself back,
And that's all that matters.

Must **** to be so miserable
pining on, day after day
wishing that there was a way
to make your life more livable.

It must **** to talk so much
about people you know nothing of,
people that you claim to love;
It’s safe to say, you’re out of touch.

It must **** to envy me
To wonder what you did so wrong
for me to leave you for so long,
ignore you so, and be so free.

I hope it ***** to see me there,
looking, feeling better than
you, and all your failed plans…
Your mass destruction's but a stare. :)

Every day,
I think of you.
There's never a moment
When you are not
In the back of my mind.
I call myself foolish,
I call myself wrong,
I call myself ridiculous
Because I know that you're gone.
But something still,
Has a giant hold
On my fragile heart strings
And it's not your fault.
Quitting cigarettes,
That's nothing.
Quitting you,
Will take all that I have.

The precipice
The fall, un-fell...
                      To cliffs, successful cling.
                       I see the sea,
                       its foaming maw,
                       wide open, just for me.

                       To step or not to step,
but there cannot be a question.*
                       Face is pale and rope is frail,
                       "REPEL!" The crowd does jeer.
                       But I can't expel the fear;

                       For if I succeed--cling till I die--
                       or tie my noose right here,
                       the end result is clear.

                       Must cliffs be so sheer?

Annoyed, disappointed
More than the most.
I count days to lose your face
Across the west coast.
Letting the see breeze
Blow you away,
Abandon me stranded,
It's better this way.
Am I dumb?
Do we not mesh?
What happened before?
Maybe it's God
Just settling the score.
Because I don't have the strength
To do that anymore.

I suppose I can say
          that this is the end,
and that was the start,
          and I can't pretend
to be who you thought
          that I should have been.
                                   As to what you expected;
                                   we're not even friends.
I guess we were both kinda wrong in the end.

Comedian's obsidian,
In this middle,
Meridian.
Koi No Yokan
Did it again,
But this time I'm not
Winning and,
Somewhere between
The *** and friends,
Lies the best Me
I have been.
The falling star,
The wishes sent,
Into the void,
We do pretend.
And in the middle,
Some obscure riddle
Do it again.
Do it again.

I'm happy. Almost.

The life a man does boast is but a tryst
Between the egos of his Cosmic gods,
Who jest at gnarly oaks and monoliths;
At twigs we humans foolishly are awed.
Yet such does not render us simplified;
Too great is Cosmo's pride in their amour,
But secrets we'll uncover, stratified;
Acceptance, such a silent petrichor.
So let the veil be lifted, let us see,
Existence as gossamer as the veil,
Fragile as the primrose, less the beauty,
On us, we hope, these Lover's dreams won't fail.
At night we dream of worlds beyond the stars;
Sits on their smallest finger, all of ours.

I'm rocking the lesbian ponytail today.
Smoking a cigarette on my break
Like the delinquent I am.
My looks don't fit the description.
But my actions speak louder than looks.
And as ashamed as I am
To be myself,
I can't help but be fascinated;
This is who I wanted to be.
Why?

You were to me as a pear on a shelf
In a sterile world, claimed friend to my health.
At first sight, yellow, spotted like the rest,
A little more so, (they say those are the best)
So I picked you out, wrapped in my plastic love,
I took you home; you were attractive enough.
I touched you, cold, weathered leathery skin,
From the several storms you stayed tethered in.
But I didn't mind the flaws you presented;
I held you, bit softly, your smooth skin consented.
You filled me with sugar, smelling sweet and yet biting,
Dripping, so wet in the half-hindered lighting.
Gritty and crisp like a World War II gunner,
Yet syrupy sweet like an indulgent summer.
As time welcomed shadows, I chewed to your core;
your succulent nature was less than before.
Silent in sorrow, I gazed at the truth:
Stringy and course, your manner uncouth.
Thus, as with most, you cannot sustain
Someone biting deep, digging into your brain,
For a bitter brown core is all that remained,
And your friendly façade was never the same.

share all feelings i can’t say
through gritted, numbing teeth.
call my bluff
pull my words
out of my throat
until your hands are tough
calloused with my
eventual, sober
regret.

This life, this life,
This sick, one-sided knife...
You either cut yourself,
Or those around you.
Despite the fact,
You may not mean to.

Just is the way it goes.

I may not have faith in me
anymore,
But I have faith in God.
So go home now,
Thank your god
for the life you have.
Live for the future,
And not the past.
Live for only
The things that last.
Your long term happiness,
Not the short.
Though in this life,
The weary resort
To empty things,
Up we can go.
Let us rise.

Get up now.
Get up.

Through which I feel everything,
Is now clear.
The world is open for me.
One simple change,
And I'm on the Path again.
Thanks, Universe.

Born so silly, grown so tall,
A reckless rebel in the wings.
Though they say we had it all
We played not with given things.
A rusted barrel, broken sticks,
A junk pile hidden yonder.
Now as the sun rides up the sky
We sit and talk and sonder.
Remember still those days of light
('Cause mostly now we live at night)
Like mornings spent over caffiene,
We wish it lasted longer.
Now you're grown, and brighter still
With childish light and older mind,
I wish upon you certain things,
To the front of your heart
From the depths of mine:
Be kind, be careful,
'Cause no one knows
Where a person's life has grown
Be cautious, caring
I know you're tough
(But you can be a tad bit rough)
Be happy joyous,
As always, dear,
It's sometimes hard to find it here,
Be thoughtful and ponder,
All life's questions,
And don't settle for anyone less
Than the best one.
Most of all,
Don't forget how you got here
and not just in the physical sense.
Never pass off your state of mind
As just a sheer coincidence.
"So happy happy birthday
From all of us to you
We wish you happy birthday
So we can have one too! HEY!"

<3

Learn to let go,
Accept,
Accept.
How my heart aches.
For therapy
In the pain.
And knowing why.
The truth,
We all know it.
No matter how long
We've forsaken it for.
There's nothing
You can say
To change me.
It's what you don't say,
What's implied,
Makes me think.

I found you today.
By chance, not accident.
Though it may seem,
I lie by the precedent.
I don't expect you
To read this and know,
Or think that I care.
But the truth is, I do.
I don't expect you
To ever view me in the Light
For that matter, anywhere.
But I'm happy for you.
I'm happy for you.
I could feel the relief
That time-passed
Graced you with.
Could hear the smile
In your voice,
And the strength used
For facing this.
And the love
In your heart
For all that you are
And can be.
And I'll be forever,

happy for you.

Yes, it happened to me.
I was there
In the warm moonlight
Of his touch.
The fire glowing,
Revealing the lines
Of my hands,
So slowly caressing
His face.
The stars grew bright,
The promise of life,
In this thing that we had
That grew bigger than us,
And took over everything else.
He held me,
His touch, I had only dreamed about.
But in the present,
In that moment,
Time froze for us.
And I told you,
The words spilling out of my lips
As carelessly as laughter,
And you held it and returned it to me.
We had everything in our heads
And no one else knew.
I loved you then.
But couldn't find that word.
Why? When I had just found you.

hole, hollow, cup
chest, breast, *****
drain, stain, empty
void, jagged, ragged.
Filled, still, treading
thick, dense, dreading
foreign, matter, matters?
broken, blood, letting.

             The world is ripe with words
                         void of understanding.

And no,
I can't explain
The feelings I feel now,
They've been here
Hiding
Waiting for me
To come on
   back
     down.

As Barista makes my Jasmine tea,
I write a little poem for me,
My hipster ***,
My thrift-store wear,
My hair's a'toss,
Without a care,
I wonder why
With all them here,
I feel at home,
I feel no fear.

The weather's getting
warmer again.
And everything's as
it should have been.
The bees are wandering
Around my head
My heart's alive
My hope's not dead.
The mumbling of voices
Inside this store
Don't make me feel
Alone anymore.
Love songs warbling
On radios,
Come to my ears,
And out it goes...
But it's just me.
And no one knows,
The burden escaped.
Life water flows.

I think I've just experienced
The biggest dissappiontment in my life.
And it's humbled me.
But I don't know if I've learned the lesson.

I'd like to be burned,
to have flames lick my sides--
so when I peel away the skin,
see truths I have to hide.
I'd like to be burned
to have flames lick my lips--
so when I go to speak my truth
the rawness of it drips.
I'd like to be burned,
to have flames char my heart--
so when I go to love again
it's the newest of new starts.
Yes, I'd like to be burned,
But I am not so brave--
I wait and pray with all my heart
gods throw me to the flames.

A high rise tree against the dawn,
A rooster crows nearby,
A high-five from the Universe
Asks "Now do you understand why?"
I answer yes and bow my head
And thank the clouds above,
For a grey back-drop is always best
In illuminating love.
Looking back on three years past,
I see the struggle, clear.
But all it seems was just a dream
As I am sitting here.
I watch the sun glow past the line
Where sky and earth do meet,
I stretch my fingers, curl my toes,
Somehow I am complete.

I am bigger than you
Because I don't think that I am.
I'm trying so hard to let go.
I can look in the mirror now,
And see not my face, but his.
I don't want to be like him.
I don't want to hold
These insecurities he carried
When it was him that I loved.
Now I see here
This boy who is me, back then.
And I am he who was to afraid to love me.
I keep feeling that I'm ugly.
I don't want to be ugly.
Not now. Not when he is so beautiful
To me.
I pray for release
From this death within myself.

5 years or more it's been
and life has been a haze
time both relative and irrelevant.
I'm sure it no longer matters
but somehow, it is still the vantage point
from which I have to live.
There is no direction,
no upward, onward,
only away.
Ever away.

I'm screaming inside of myself.
Nothing is stopping the pain,
but the skin on my soul.

I'm in a uniform,
I'm in my jeans,
I'm in my night clothes,
I'm naked under water,

The desire to cry out
Tear's at my throat,
To yell anything into the void,
To release the shame,
the embarrassment,
angst and anxiety.

Tell myself it will be "OK".
After all, it's just today.

It's just a day.

All I can think of is him.
And I don't give a **** about anyone else.
Including YOU.
That's right, you, reading this.
What, you don't think I can't see you?
Yeah, look around.
I'm not there am I?
No *****, I'm here.
In your head.
I am the perfect human being.
All that you began with
As a child.
I can see all that you are.
And I have a lesson for you.
When things seem to be most confusing,
Take a large step backwards,
And separate yourself from
All that you've been doing.
It's then that you'll see,
The truth lies in the
Bigger picture.
And I do not
Care for anything that
Is not Love.
Neither did you, at one point.

;

It plagues my memory,
As I try to fall.  
It holds me in suspense.
It makes
Absolutely
No
****
Sense.
Let it go.
Let it go.

Being so young
We do not delve
Into retrospect,
Examination of self,
But I myself
Dramatic and sad,
Do nothing but
Covet things I once had.
In Life, the moment,
We step from the nest,
We're writing our history
With each little test.
Every moment we waste,
Every second we're still,
Is a page in our life book
Til we die or are killed.
Two fully breathed turns
I've been out of school
I've ruined my life
Made myself a fool.
This is the history.
It's now to be mine.
Though I can't rewrite it,
don't mean I'm not trying.

Someone
like
me,
Could never be with
Someone
like
you.
And you could never be
Someone
like
him,
And I could never love
Again.
And you could never be
The one.
The past can never be
Redone.
And I am too strong
A woman
And you are too weak
A man
And he was too cold
A heart
I chose to break
Apart
Just to live beside
My sanity,
inside of my own
Vanity.
And it's all over now
I've told you much
And we've been done...
Since the moment
We'd begun.

Love is a dream
or so they say,
my winter heart,
it begs to play
“unfreeze me please”
you’ll hear it say
“for I miss the warmth of summer.”

And love is young
though I am old,
they say it can
unwind the cold
like ticking clocks
and bells of old;
echoes fading into silence.

And love is kind
but I am scared
of fangs beneath
the lips you bear.
The last one said
he also cared,
so I am slow to trusting.

‘Cause love is cruel,
and I’m not new;
affected words
and lover’s cues,
strangled trust
and selfhood, too,
I’ve the eulogies to prove it.

But love is birth;
it can give life.
If I could let
the dead horse lie,
and promise you
that I will try
to want to become different.

To love at all
is to have felt
your stolen heart
transcend yourself,
blessed by the hand
of God Himself,
the seeming giver of your dreams,

but to love again,
it is a choice,
to speak aloud
in broken voice,
“Though it may hurt,
still I rejoice,
though it may end,
still I rejoice,
take all I am,
still I rejoice,”
and try, though hard it seems,
to remember how to dream.
Remember how to dream.

Be my baby canopy,
cover me in emerald joy
in gales and gusts, sprays of rain,
Be the shield I shan't employ.

By the seaside running out
of staggered breath, though you know
how cherry my cheeks do get;
hurry, kiss them while they glow.

Be the leaves upon my arms
Flutter, whisper, rustle down
Till all I am is but a noun
held in your mouth, your throaty charm.

Brave the hurricanes with me,
I'll be the one who will not fly,
You'll be the baby's lullaby,
above the rain, so anchoring.

Watch the window, hear it creak
above the pitter patter plain,
bathe in the sorrow of the rain,
come up cleaner, with a squeak.

Be the breath upon the hearth
breathe deeply so your lungs are warm,
feel orange among the grungy storm;
grow a greenhouse in your heart.

Follow me out to the Mar,
walking down into the deep end
and down reproaches Heaven will send;
the solemn tear drops of a star.

Up we go, and all around,
Spin with me, collapse and cry,
Until the clouds do say 'Goodbye',
All we hear are hearts that pound.

In the aftermath, it shines,
Angelic pools, a chorus clear,
The silver light plays softly here
like no one once had shed a tear.
Now my heart chokes water, dear,
So hold your pluviophile near.