10:50pm
i haven’t written in two years
this one goes out to music
and the stars
because who needs a person when you’ve got all your favorite songs to sing you to sleep

10:50pm
this time last month i’d be waiting
sitting and waiting
and waiting and waiting
waiting to feel something
anything
and i’d get in my car and i’d drive
seal myself up in my own little world where i couldn’t feel anything but the bass rattling my lungs
and the stars

10:50pm
all of the stars are out
although it doesn’t seem like it here
not like at home
but i imagine them
just me and the stars
and our favorite songs
and we drive
and we sing
and it’s perfect

10:50pm
clarity
comfort
peace

slowly and softly,
we drip back into our own little worlds,
composing the structure that we each need to survive,
yours being the complete opposite of mine,
but that's okay,
because a drop of wax can build a new candle,
and all that candle needs is a spark.

a sudden burst of excitement!
because, wow, we have something to talk about!
and we talk and we laugh and we smile,
sometimes by ourselves, and other times in each other's company,
and we never think this fun is going to end,
because how could it end?
the pleasure has only just begun!

in the beginning, it starts out like this:
you talk to me, I talk to you
back and forth
we don't really know what we're talking about,
grasping at various ideas until we find some sort of connection,
and once we've found that connection,
it has started.

You listen to music for the music, and I listen to music for the lyrics.

And that is the difference between us.

You get caught up in the intertwining of chords and harmonies and sound, while I get caught up in the story and the meaning of the song.

You get so excited when you hear a new song because of how it makes you feel, and this is why I listen to the lyrics, because I love that about you.

I need a song to put my thoughts into words.
I need a song to explain how I'm feeling, when maybe I can't get the point across myself.
I need something to express my emotion and my longing.
I need you to know how I feel.
I need you to start listening to the lyrics.

Today is my birthday and I guess I got what I wanted, which was talking to you again.

The past two years I missed having someone to talk to who cared about me, and I’m not sure if you still care, but you seemed like it because you told me, “If [I] don’t have fun tonight [you’re] going to be mad at [me].”
That was just one of the things.

Well I guess I had fun because I listened to the playlist that you made me and I talked to you.
And that’s what I wanted right?
Right.

What I didn’t want was to lie on my floor crying off and on for an hour because that playlist, a simple thing, made me so happy and so scared. I am so scared because I do not know what is happening and I am afraid it is just going to vanish before my eyes like last time.

But I’m timid and I’m shy, too shy to tell you this, too worried about how it might affect the course of events playing out, so I will just write it down here in hopes that you’ll come across it one day. I hope you do see it and take note of just how much the little things you do matter to me.

I'm going to bed happy
for the first time in a long time.

And it feels good.

I'm going to bed with a smile on my face
for the first time in a long time.

And it feels good.

I'm going to bed laughing
for the first time in a long time.

And it feels so good.