The Boy.
His smile.
I had always been caught up in it.
He was far too good for me.
And I accepted that.
It was the middle of seventh grade
My life was ripping apart at the seams.
I was alone.
My friends had left me.
The boy, my “boyfriend” hurt me.
Physically.
Mentally.
Emotionally.
Cried. All the time.
But that’s what I deserved.
I was alone.
I couldn’t smile.
My life. Was. Ruined.
Mom was in the hospital.
Cellulitis.
I had had enough.
Given up.
Suicide notes.
Typed hundreds of times.
Cutting.
Contemplating suicide every night.
My life. No meaning.
Struggled to even look myself in the mirror.
I went to the talent show.
To read my poem.
He was there.
Perfect.
Just who I wanted to talk to.
We had grown close.
I sat down next to him.
He started playing his guitar.
Days later.
I got the courage to tell him I liked him
He “liked” me to.
Wow.
Days later we were “going out.”
He gave me self-confidence.
Even though he had little for himself.
He mended my broken life.
Getting cut once or twice himself.
I was happy.
Disaster struck a year later.
Fighting.
Broke up.
Crap.
Lower than ever.
Dad’s cancer.
Grandma dying.
Grandma dead.
Best friend’s suicide attempt.
Best friend’s cancer.
Crying.
Cutting.
Suicide attempts.
He was there.
Not in the way he used to be
But as a friend.
Came to my grandma’s visitation.
Helped me when I couldn’t smile myself.
Courage.
He helped me to live through every day.
Stopped cutting.
Counseling appointments.
Put on the right meds.
I might still be unable to look at myself in the mirror.
I might still want to give up.
I might still struggle when things get really bad.
But.
Whenever I want to give up.
I know that he would hate me.
He can’t hate me.
Razor in hand.
Tears in eyes.
I cant do it.
Not now. Not ever.
He wouldn’t want me to.
He is one of my best friends.
Could tell him anything.
And have him not bat an eye.
No matter how horrible.
Without him, I wouldn’t be here.
Without him, I would’ve been six foot under.
Without him. I would’ve been nothing.
Life is far from perfect.
Nowhere close.
Cry. Often.
Still struggling.
Not as bad.
He saved me.
He saved my life.

I never understood why
girls cried over boys
until razor blades took
my best friend away
from me.
I drove around
then I bought one
of those energy drinks you hate
and every time
I thought about dying
I took a drink
but it was half empty
before I made it off my street.
So I ran until I couldn't breathe
and then I ran until
I collapsed on my knees
but I got up and somehow
I made it home and
now I'm washing
you out of my hair,
trying to find you,
are you in my veins?
Or should I carve into my lungs?
You have to be somewhere,
I can't live without you.
I think I understand now.

I want a break.
Just a day spent in silence, away from the world.
No one, not even myself.
I wish I could just isolate my mind from my body for just a day.
No one I'm forced to interact with, no one to give a fake emotion to.
For just a **** day I want someone to care about me. To see past the walls I build to meet their needs, and see I'm unhappy too. We're all unhappy.
I'm sick of being a friend.
I want to play the victim for a change.
I don't give a **** about your problems, I have my own. But I take the time to make your problems mine to help you through.
Why can't I just be my own everything?
No one can care about me the way I do, or see when something is actually wrong. But how could they? I always seem so strong. Everyday is a different suicide note that I'm too cowardly to sign.
But lord knows I'm tired of hurting, stressing, settling.
Just tell me why my hurt matters the least when I work the hardest, give the most.
If this is what all of life is like, just drop me off here.
I'm dying in a self preservation society.
There's no one left to care about me, not even me.

I don't want there to be a day where I have to read a speech at my best friend's funeral because she commited suicide.

I don't want to have to say how cruel and horrid the world is to destroy such an amazing and innocent person.

I don't want to watch her happiness wipe away from her face as sadness and darkness plagues her heart.

I don't wanna get that call in the middle of the night telling me my friend is gone.

I don't want to dream of her smiling, to wake up to a dying soul.
But a dream is only a dream..

I don't want to be watched by a ghost of a friend who didn't want to live.

But, it's happening. People will keep being cruel to the most loving people, until they no longer want to be in this hell.

I don't want to watch a friend die.

Please don't make me.

Dear friend,
I've been missing you to death
Years a prisoner and you're finally free
I hope its everything you hoped it would be
Your mind hung your soul on a string and dangled it in front of you
They painted your black eyes a shade of blue
Instead of one life you had two
You were never a stranger to me
Your eyes mirrored everything you wanted me to see
A mind full of wonder but so very far from wonderful
Because
Your twisted mind made lies out of your eyes
Truth is something you gain through pain
You know that very well
Sorry
Excuse me
I meant "knew"
Because you are gone
You left me half alive on the floor
But the door is still open
I could see you again
But I know you'd never let me in
Heaven forbid

I put the pills in my mouth,
And lay on the couch.
I put the gun to my head,
So I become dead.
My legs are dangling my friend,
I've reached the end.
From the tree, the rope is hanging.
Where soon you'll find me strangling.
In my heart, there will be a knife.
For I am done with my life.
And if I chose to live one more day,
There will be a price I'll have to pay.
For I've always dreamed of dying,
And I'll never give up trying.
Every night I cry myself to sleep.
Hoping satin will have my soul to keep.