Suddenly

I saw you months ago but I was too busy chasing the past
Keep on blaming myself for losing something that I wish would've last
I lost interest to everything, broke down and worst, I thought I wanted to die
But thank goodness I was snapped and brought back to my sanity
Through God, family and closest friends, I slowly healed
Till now I know Im a working progress
So when new year's came, new perspective came as well
And you're one of them
On a cold day of January, I saw you on a different light
Now you're all I think about
...

"Time"
that's all you need they said
To forget about the past
To let go of what wouldve been in the future

Seconds passed turned to minutes then to hours
The horror of the passing days
Revealing the truth of the one that got away

I tried my best to make use of my time the best way possible
In short, on ways that gonna make me okay
Fling here, hang out there, hoping that all the pain will be carried away
But to no avail

It ***** to be stucked
on what if's, shouldve been's, could have's
I'm ****** by the fact
that I cant just move on
I just wont

"It's been a long time" they say
Yeah but is time really helpful in moving on?
Or is it just a tickling reminder of all that happened in the past and what the future holds?

Like at this present time, I'm still holding on
to nothingness

In that deep hole
Where everything's broken, nothing's whole
Hollowness can be felt
Sadness from all that was left
I tried to be okay
Just like what everyone says
But pretentions have limitation
Now im pouring out
this poor heart
There is no one to blame for this misery
but me
I cause it, still causing it
And it's eating me, slowly but surely

She could've chose to mend things like what you wanted
Instead, she send you crushing, just like that, you were ended
There is the choice for her to ask for space
But what was her response, it was already a closed case
You thought her choice to break it up was hurtful
Then she surprised you of total abandonment, what could've been more painful?
Simply, it was between two choices
To stay or to stray, it was the latter she chose
And she did it with style, she caught you offguard
No talk, zero communication, none at all... who would've thought?
That she could do to you what you told her was done to you before
Ironically, "hers", was more
Out of the many choices she could've had chose
She chose that

Let that sink in
Let that matter
Let you remember

365 days gone
8760 hours, since you've been gone
All these months that passed by
I love looking back on the very first day, that was a Wednesday
When you texted me and I didnt even know who you were
Just your name written there on a piece of paper
A reminder to me
That all you could be
was trouble

But then we met in person
And i saw no valid reason
To avoid you: your kindness and niceness
All i was at that time was emptiness
Just keeping afloat along the strong current of life
There you were, the calm that unexpectedly came to me

We became close instantly
Like we've known each other our whole lives
I spilled out to you about my past
You did the same, we both support each other back then that the past will pass

So it did.

I loved you since that night when I was in the hospital and we texted till I need to sleep because my nurse caught me still awake
We talked then about how things would be once you left for Canada
Or maybe Ive loved you even before that
But I was just too afraid to admit
Because you were another "anne"
Because you'll be leaving too, soon, just like everyone else Ive ever wanted to stay
Because we were friends, you were the closest to me that time and I cant risk our friendship away
Because I was too scared, had always been, scared of loving and being not enough to make someone choose me and stay

Then 22nd September came
I was surprise by your somehow confession
I cant help but smile even though it's just a week before my grueling board examination
My friends told me to brush you off, you'll only be a destruction
But my heart thought otherwise, it saw you as an inspiration
So even though all the odds were against us
I took a chance, we both did.

We were happy, or I thought we were.
We had our own share of problems mostly started by me
I was still adjusting to this long distance thing
But you made me happy, you made feel loved, you made me feel emotions I havent felt in a long while
It was a summer to remember
Even with all the fights we faced, we're still together
Your words still ran through my head
It was a night before classes start
"Im gonna miss you" you said
"I'll miss you too" I answered
And just like before you rode that plane, we promised to make ends meet as I walked into a new journey

June came, pressure came, reality came
I have everything I ever wanted, all at once
Stable job, money to support and make my family happy, and of course you
But I was too confused, too afraid
I was so used on being sad
I was so used on losing things
That when everything Ive ever wanted came
I didnt know how to keep them, especially you
So I acted badly
All the pressure I was feeling, I turned it all to you
You were like my absorber
But you have your limit too

I regret every wrong doing Ive ever done to you
I regret taking you for granted
I regret everything I wasnt able to do to make you stay
I wanted it to be you
I badly wanted it to be you
I dont know how 2 months can ruin a strong 8 months
But then it happened
Youre gone

Here I am
525600 seconds passed
Still having wishful thinking
Dreaming of you, here
not there
Not that far away,
not to be the one that got away

Lots of could'ves, what if's, shouldve's
They all hold me on, telling me not to move on
There's no difference a year has made
Maybe I still need one or two or God knows how many just to forget you

But right now, all I know is, youre my favorite past.
The past that made me believe in now
and the future

And if in the future, we see each other one more time
With my feelings not changing a bit
With your name, echoing in my heartbeat
Dont resist to ask me this:
After all this time?

Always.

It will be always.
It will always be, always.

You need diversion they say, so I enroll myself to MA
but found that a 2-yr stoppage can bring a lot of difference
You need to relax for awhile they say, so I go out not just in a while but for most of the time
but found the lonely feeling even on the company of great friends tested by time
You need to escape, have fun, I went on to my favorite band's concert and forget everything that night,
but found that memories await, the morning i woke up
You need to go back to what healed you before, they say. I ran back to my first love - books
but found all the words too hurtful to be true
You need to express yourself on the best way you can, they say
but found writing too painful as a mean of telling my sorrows, fears, regrets and hopes.
You need to love yourself first before you love others, they say
but found no love in my heart, just pure emptiness, hollowness on the inside

The doctor said, "Your heart is pounding"
I know it too well coz I can't stop thinking
Negative thoughts conquered me like they always do
Fear of the unknown that is soon to be known
A minute or two is a matter of life and death
And waiting for the "sentence" is worst than any threat
The doctor looks calm, the exact opposite of me
She wrote down something I can't see
As she turned on the page
which seems like ages
I pray
for the first time in a long while
I pray
And the doctor said, "You're good to go, just take your meds and get some rest"
What a relief, my second lease on life may mean to live it to the fullest.

We're now longer over
Than the time we've been together
Still, all the memories sting
Coz pain of what if's and could've been's is all it brings
Yesterday's promises of future
Now serve as pure torture


And there's no escaping it

"I'll make a picture of you" I told her
"Are you a painter?" she asked.
"No, but I can paint you in words" I answered

The only forever I've got from you was goodbye
But thank you still for being part of my life
even if it was just for a short while

The year is almost over
though it still lasts longer
than your love did.

Go away is what you say
How ironic it is when all I ever wanted is to stay
And maybe what you say just says much
That maybe the irony in me tells a lot
About the one inlove and the one being loved

I'm someone who used to love with all my heart
Until the only girl I loved just tore it apart
I'm someone who used to keep promises
Until the only girl I loved just broke hers to pieces
I'm someone who used to trust so much
Until the only girl I loved showed me why I should not do such
I'm someone who used to always truly believe
Until the only girl I loved made all those make-believes
I'm someone who used to choose to always stay
Until the only girl I loved just left me alone and stray

And now that someone who I used to be, is totally gone
Because the only girl I loved just used me, for the thing called "fun"

Because breaking my heart wasn't enough
She has to make sure it won't be fixed again
By adding more to the pain
Through replacing me that easily
And forgetting me completely

She's like the moon
Not because a part of her was always hidden
But because she'll be gone soon.

Feeling blue is the last feeling that I knew
Everytime I'm with you