It's 12:23 am and my sister comes knocking on my door.
At first I couldn't hear a thing
The fear through her eyes was so loud, it muted the world.
Logic sinked into my brain to listen
And I wish I hadn't.
"Mom's not waking up!" She cries.
Over
And over
Over
And over.

My feet are on the floor, pushing me out of the room.
I'm blinded by the lights-
The sudden wake.
I'm deafened by my fathers shouts,
"Gabe, wake up!"

Within seconds I'm beside him.

Speech has been slipped from me, but he looks into my eyes.
"She's not waking up."

No matter how many times I'm going to hear it tonight
I won't believe it.
"Help me," he says.
And I push him aside.

He shouldn't be here.
He shouldn't see this.

I kneel down to the bed
Her eyes closed
Mouth agape.
Pale.

She looks dead.
I was convinced she was dead.

Now I'm angry.
Who does she think she is?
I told her to stop,
"Mom, stop. This drinking problem you have needs to stop."
It never did.
She never listened.
Now look what she has done.

I slap her.
Right across the face.
I shout for mom, searching for it in her face.
Looking for the qualities
That make her the one who conceived me.
I find nothing.

And I slap her again.

My sister is in the corner of the room
With my brother,
All older than me.
All crying.
My father is beside me trying to keep his rock but
Even the most innocent plates inevitably reach an earthquake.

My other brother comes running upstairs
Dauntless as he thinks he is.
The ambulance is on its way.

She's leaving.

I slap her again.

Seconds later I'm pushed aside.
Help is here.
Then their in the room-
Touching her
Inserting her with unfathomable things.

Then one man lifts her hand
Right over her face,
As if it were a feather and he lets go.
But feathers are graceful and beautiful
My mothers hand
The one that now has lost the touch to ever gain back comfort on me again, drops like a brick.
A brick full of all her lies and all her pathetic ruthlessness, falls on her face.

They take her out of the room, still unconscious.
That was the last time I ever saw my mother,
Even though she's still alive and with me today.

Why didn't you look when my friends all left me alone to play,
Why didn't you look when my teacher sent more work home everyday,
Why didn't you look when my response was never I'm doing okay,
Why didn't you look when my brown were eyes wet with tears today,
Why couldn't you look my way,

Why didn't you smell my blood stench where I'd ripped my teeth out,
Why didn't you smell my *** stained pants from my nevus doubts,
Why didn't you smell my scented marker stained blouse,
Why didn't you smell my hair around the house,
Why couldn't you smell my thereabouts,

Why didn't you speak up when I couldn't talk,
Why didn't you speak up when I was always being mocked,
Why didn't you speak up when I was always the talk,
Why didn't you speak up when I was falling into shock,
Why couldn't you speak every time I was stalked,

Why didn't you hear about my date,
Why didn't you hear about my embrace,
Why didn't you hear about him going farther then the third base,
Why didn't you hear about how I didn't even want to go to home plate.
Why couldn't you hear about how I got *****,

Why didn't you, ever taste, my pain,
Why didn't you, ever ******* veins,
Why didn't you ever taste, all my restrains,
Why didn't you ever taste, my little remains,
Why couldn't you see,

all the drain,
all the loses from anything I gained
because I still want to jump in front of cars, buses and trains,
but I rarely complain,

because your name,
is only a single blood stain,
out of the many stains,
that have left my heart bleeding in pain,

but I just wish you could look,
possibly,
at me,

Less than 50 days now,
high school will be over.
My every day routine for the past 12 years,
will shatter and crumble in front of me.

Less than 50 days now,
my life will begin.

here's to the kids who skip school
not to drink
not to smoke
not for ***
not as a joke
here's to the kids who skip school
to take care of a sibling
to take care of a parent
to help pay the bills
to feed empty mouths

I have a feeling that my heart beat bigger
I have a feeling
That the fall grows steeper
My hands are shaking
The ground is breaking
My heart is failing
My soul is fading

Ambition fade
As mountain grow great
Not mountain of stone
Nor of earth
But mountain of
                    Lack of transparency

I feel my heart beat bigger
Not of love
Nor of passion
But bigger of
Lack of sleep
And desperation

                      I feel my mind
                      Of reluctance entwined

But I have to go
I have to do
I don’t have a choice
For the choice
Is mine alone
And a choice
Made a long time ago