in your eyes
the sky is twice as deep
and on your lips,
the sun, its hottest yet

The light had gone from this woman
Her days now became lonely and dark
She would go to the shoreline
To repair what had been torn apart
She would shout out to the shoreline
O please bring me a new light, a new moon
I am tired of feeling lonely and dark
Will you please bring it to me soon
Just like that the gilded clouds did part
to reveal to her a new moon
Time for this woman to have light again
Time for her to be swooned
This new moon was most welcoming
with his arms open wide
Lit up this beautiful woman again
and brought out the pearl we knew was inside

I can’t write this poem
I can’t write this poem because the last time I opened up to someone artistically they told me it was pretty dark and I should keep it to myself.

I can’t write this poem
I can’t write this poem because I was raised in a culture that was anti love and pro meaningless ***. I saw endless commercials about movies that glamorize a lifestyle in which your body is fulfilled but your heart is ignored and at that impressionable age I learned my heart came second but my allure came first and the less I cared that happier I would be and I carried that belief around with me the way I used to carry around a Bible as a child.

I can’t write this poem
I can’t write this poem because of the time that I opened my father’s phone to reveal a family secret I would hold to this day against my own moral instincts unraveling miles of insecurities wondering if I’m not a good enough daughter or if he stopped loving my mother or if true love was never real and although I had been taught marriage was my purpose, it was what I believed would make me happy, maybe rings aren’t enough to stay in love and maybe people’s feelings change and maybe no one actually has a “one true love” and that this purpose I had been taught was really an endless wild goose chase that only lead to broken families and lost souls.

I can’t write this poem
I can’t write this poem because sometimes I still wonder why I fell into an abyss of toxicity at such a young age. And when I say wonder I don’t mean a trivial ponder, I mean I contemplate every possible reason why the person who I once believed held the universe in her eyes would lie to my face, why she never kissed me in public and our love was always a secret, why she valued girls with blue hair but my blonde hair was not good enough, why I had to hide bruises from my family when I was still in high school or more importantly, why at the time, I thought I deserved them. These thoughts, this lingering paranoia that I am undeserving of healthy love, they muddy my interpretations of real life and distort reality and effect my relationships. My doctor would call these intrusive thoughts, my best friend would tell me they’re symptoms of PTSD, but I have come to realize that I’ve been burned and I am damaged and I hope to god I can recover.

But you,
Oh god, you
You can write this poem. You can be my safety net while I’m free falling in love. You can be the one to listen to my mental tilt-a-whirls, you can be the one that introduces my body and my heart, you can be the one that calms the storms in my mind when I’m questioning the love I’m deserving of. You are the one who makes sure I fall asleep in my bed after drunk nights, you are the one that still sees my value after acknowledging my flaws.
You can write this poem.

As we very reluctantly parted, he queried whether he was just another of my whims.  Ignorantly, I replied I guessed so, provided we never saw each other again.  Erm.  Months later the fire is still burning brightly in the absence of any good reason.  Interesting eh?  Needing a topic as usual, and weary of nature tributes (hahaha, can you believe it?!) I tackled this beloved thread, writing it in the present tense as if from our first days then altering to the present in the second (linked) sonnet.



(sonnet #'s CCCCXLVIII, CCCCXLIX)


You play my heartstrings like a puppeteer
Methinks.  Quite deftly pluck and gently twang
To immelod'ous strains whilst I half hang
'Twixt hope and fear, life's balance near
Precar'ous in that cur'ous dance.  By mere
Sweet words or grim I'm tossed, a boomerang
That can't be lost to you though ev'ry pang
Estranges reason in this game too dear.
All yours because those unseen chords have caught
My heart that like a harp you seem to use,
As sans my will, in strumming half distraught
Or with such ecstasies, howe'er you choose
You ply, in your winds varied whims 'non fraught,
This hapless leaf.  To what end?  Just t'amuse?

# II

To what end?  Just t'amuse, we tried romance?
Who fell in love?  I did.  Did you?  In vain?
Oh, why'd we play that game?  What now remains?
Behold:  a live coal, frosted black, whose stance
Seems quite the opposite; wherein the dance
Of Love's hot passion plays anon, aye reigns
Sans you, and any reason.  Its refrain
Nigh hopeless, sings your name where none supplants.
Because you knew it would.  You told me so.
And while I scoffed, that's how it goes, I see.
Who ******* that hopeful thread, oh sweetness Beau?
'Twas "love at first sight," a rare golden key.
That never quite died but e'er seems to glow.
At least that's how it 'pears in Love's debris.

08Jan12
D67a,b

and you said:  "I hope you like chocolate."



(sonnet  #MMMMMMCCCLI)


I've not had choclate, nor a taste, in pale
Excuse, for that in days, perhaps cuz hence
You called yourself that, and my hunger thence
Was only for whom stole aught else, t'avail
Me of:  just you.  And oh! how that detail
In lieu of packaged squares, eats me and sense
Out of both home and hearth, ne crumb to fence
The **** is't? yet smudges in betrayl.
Oh, Adrian!  There I must leave off.  Were--
What?  Savour ah, minutest crumbs, roll too
Across your tongue that darkest morsel your
Soul yields itself up to, and ah, foil to
Glint, crinkle, tease, nor but in silver tour
Hold lo, exquisite heights:  what's I love you?

17May17a

RAINY DAY PEOPLE

*Do you remember my darling
we were just children,
it was so long ago.
We played in the summer rain.
Dancing in puddles.
Splashing in colored rubber boots.

Drenched with happiness
in the pouring rain.
I think that's when
I first fell in love with you.
I knew even back then
we would marry one day.

Remember we always
loved walking in the rain.
The olive green days
of our life my love.
You, Me, the rain.

Then when the sickness came
you tried to hide it from me.
but I knew...I knew.....I knew
It was too strong for the
rain to wash away.

I remember that last day
my love.
you asked me is it raining?
I said yes my love.
It's rained all day.

Take me outside you whispered.
Dance with me in the rain
just one more time.
I carried you to the garden
we danced in the rain.

Then as you left me
I carried you to the window.
Two doves were sheltering
from the rain.on our window sill.
as though waiting
to carry your soul to heaven.

I folded my heart into a love letter
and placed it in your soul.
Then kissed you goodbye
for the last time.
Whispering
for you to read on
rainy days my love.

the leaves dip
and sway,
caught in the
breezes of
a rainy
day,

little shadows
light like stars
the sudden rain
falls and the
leaves shiver
on their stems
patchworks
of silky greens
infinity of edge
on a high, high ledge,

echoes of a storm
in the violet light
shadowy branch
droplets tumbling
as if a rain drop
touched the
golds of the
winding wind.