tabitha asiana: Poems

tabitha asiana May 2022

Your birthday is probably one of those I can't seem to forget. Aside from it is my father's birthday you have made it a little bearable for me to remember it by.

I couldn't forget the smile off your face when I visited you two days early of you birthday and got you a present. That little appreciation from you went a long way, I thought it was natural for me to do that. But the fact that you made it like it was such a big deal made my heart flutter a little bit more.

So here I am left with good memories you have. I guess I'll never forget someone like you. So I have you in every prayer I make, to keep you safe, to keep you happy, and to keep you at peace. You are the epitome of all things good. Sure you have your own mishaps and poor judgment but I have known you as a good person and you'll always have a good report in me.

And for the times you have to endure me more than you should enjoy with me, I ask for forgiveness. For the times I have been a pain to your heart, a cry before you sleep, and a prayer of your hurt, I profusely apologize. I couldn't undo them but I hope that you remained a good person despite that.

You are a one in a million kind of guy, I pray that whoever finds you, treasures you and give you the utmost care. I hope you all the best thing in life. God bless and see you when I see you.

from,
before.

I Don't Know

tabitha asiana Sep 2018

I Don't Know

It’s already 3 in the morning
My eyes are still wide open
I’m not even yawning
I’m not even doing anything

Staring on the ceiling
Right there I saw my world crashing
Right there I saw myself drowning
Right there all I want is sleeping
Sleeping and never waking.

Sadness lingering around my body paired with the emptiness that wasn’t evident if you saw me,
It’s here, right inside this ugly mediocre body.

I beat myself every night,
Thinking is tomorrow really worth to survive?
My day goes by “yes I’m fine” when it’s actually “help me, I’m dying inside”

All I could ever think is to die
Dying fascinates and scares me at the time
Questions began to arise,
“It wouldn’t hurt that much if I leave everything in this world behind, right?”

It’s so unusual that one day you feel nothing,
And then the next couple day suprise, you feel everything
And when I think everything’s okay
There someone somewhere saying “something’s wrong today”

You think this is the day you can justify you’re definitely happy
Only to realize that later at night in the four corners of your room you’re incredibly lonely and empty.

And to be honest I don’t know why I feel this way,
One thing I know for sure there was missing inside me,
I couldn’t possibly pin point what could it be,
So I’m trying to fill it with thousands of possibility,
I ask myself “Am I going to be like this day by day?”

I never understood myself then,
Was there something wrong with me?
Was I over reacting?
Or this is really the real me slowly unraveling?

I couldn’t tell anyone what I feel
putting my feelings into words is so much to deal

But then I tried,
I tried telling them I’m dead tired.
And only to get “It’s all in your mind.”

They would say be positive
Or look on the bright side
I hope it’s that easy,
But it’s not, right now my mind is way way messy.

And how I wish I could control what I think,
And when a toxic negative thought felt like coming,
I could let it go away in just a blink.
But it’s not.
It doesn’t go that way.

I’m crying each night, crippling my own heart.
To the situations I am trying to brush away so hard.

I’m maybe the one to blame.
For the thoughts that hardly keep me sane.

And then one day I get used to feeling not okay.
I get used to the hole living inside
To the devil that’s speaking in my mind.
And lastly, I get used to telling people I’m wonderfully fine.

But I couldn’t help but to hope
Hope that one day
All of these ******* would go away,

hope to go back to the old me,
Positive, spontaneous, happy and carefree.

#sadness #emptiness #idontknow #awful #darkness #poetry #poem #newbie #spokenword #dying

I have a story to tell myself too..

tabitha asiana Oct 2023

I have a story to tell myself too..

How many times do I have to be naked to someone else's life?
How many times will my story be told in places I was not aware?
How many times will my name be mentioned to people who barely knew my side of the story?
It felt like a dagger stabbed through the very depths of my soul despite not being healed from wounds acquired from the same circumstance.
I have shut my mouth, closed the doors and told no one about any story, yet somehow, I still ended up being the bad guy.
I am hurt, the kind of hurt that would dare to k*(ill) someone
The enraged
The angered
The one who's body left no mercy.
However, I still have to understand.
That despite mental and physical abuse I have acquired, I must remain silent, unbothered, and untouchable. I must remain calm and understanding.
I must enlarged my heart and try to grasp their side of the story while shutting down mine.
So tell me how do I silence every fiber of my being that wants to fight back?
That wants to tell an experience far worse than what has been told?
Tell me, how do I not fight back?
Because the very person who told me they love me and respect me most out of any person they've met was the one who holds out the gun and pulled the trigger and left me bleeding eternally.

I guess you never really love me at all, you just like to believe that you did, cause when you love someone truly, you never allow people to see them naked — naked thoughts, naked minds.

my love

tabitha asiana Nov 2021

my love

I never get to say good bye
So my love,
I'm letting you go.

I'll never dream of a second
chance with you,
Nor imagine and pray
that it will be us again one day.

I am letting you go
in my imagination
in my cliche poems
in my everyday writings
and mostly
in my stubborn heart.

I hope you fly high
I hope you reach for the stars
praying and hoping you
get the best in life.

I love you
for the last time.

— little by little and day by day maybe I won't look for you in everyone that I meet. It's gonna be a long road but this will be fine.

relapsed

tabitha asiana May 2022

relapsed

I thought I was done,
I thought words will bleed no more.
Yet, here I am, looking at nothing
thinking and writing about you.
Will this anguish and longing ever end?

#firstlove #sadness #hearbreak #movingon #stuck #love

she

tabitha asiana Apr 2022

she

she used to breathe poetry
out of sadness, out of heartache,
out of everything that hurts.
but now she speaks words
that give light and life,
words that encourage,
words that fills someone's
soul with gladness.
she is you.

#beautifullybroken #changed #hope #life #love #light #shine #poetry

This will be the last time ...

tabitha asiana Aug 2021

This will be the last time ...

I’ll think of you, of our memories together

of your hands entwined in mine

of morning kisses and tight hugs

of the love you once told me forever.

This will be the last time I’ll ever ache for your loss.

another writing written in 2017

#spilledthoughts #spilledink #thoughts #poet #3am #poem #art #heartbreak #aspiringwriter #amateur

what ifs

tabitha asiana Jan 2022

what ifs

There are days where everything's at the top
I don't think about you
I could even joke about my feelings towards you
Laugh at the thought of us

But somedays felt like the sun hasn't risen for years
Or the rivers dried up
And all I could think was "what ifs" about us
All the memories never made
All the paths never taken
All the love never given
All the growth never achieved
And the life never lived with you.

I hope you never get to experience the kind of life of losing someone you can never live without

#cliche

— The End —