You know how people say “when I’m happy I’m sad”?
Well that’s not the case for me.
Because when I’m sad, I think about how everything devastates me.
And when I’m happy, I wish that moments like those can last forever.
I think to myself maybe this is destiny and things won’t get no better.
So when I’m sad, I won’t typically tell you that I’m doing fine.
My sadness is an overwhelming feeling that cannot be redefined.

Are you there...
My emotions have been knocking at this same **** door but you fail to answer them when you hear them.
My feelings have been drowning in a ocean that your boat’s floating on, but I swear it feels like you don’t want to be near them.
I’ve cried over and over begging for you to just listen, but you only tell me to stop.
No comfort, no kisses, no hopeless romantic wishes.
You take advantage now that my heart is unlocked.
I’ve been stuck in this place. It feels like a trap.
The way you keep drawing me in.
You lift me on your boat so that I can breathe.
When I get a break, you throw me back in.

I'd wish I had known you sooner but I mean...
We have the rest of forever and this is pretty **** perfect

You're kinda like Cinderella
No one expects your presence to light the eyes of everyone in the room
You probably don't expect it either
But Princess, you do.

Except you don't need no mice, no fairy, and no carriage.

I could wrap you in the richest of silk or the most unprocessed fur
Throw loads of makeup on you and contour your contour
But I'd still prefer you naked with steam outlining your body like fog over a lonely lake

And a lonely lake you are
But only because you choose to be

You choose not to be a river, where all of your secrets and thoughts could flow on into the next body of water
You choose to be hidden and secluded and only welcome those, who choose to visit, with your peace and tranquility

And you stay happy because of all the life around you.  From the sun visiting everyday to the wild grass and weeds sprouting through you.
You know that life is beautiful.  And you are Cinderella, kept behind closed doors.
Like a still lake, you're a hidden positivity.

Sit on the edge of the bed
Spread your legs
Let me devour your divine
Grab and pull on my tiara
Let your golden skin and fingers melt within it
Entangle in it
Arch your beauty in ecstasy
Point your toes and try on your glass slippers
Step into the ball room of an ******* high
A new dimension
A colorful kingdom
We rule this realm
Back and forth, from battling
To sitting on our thrones
We celebrate
Over and over
Hand in hand
Body to body
Sweat and tears
Till we collapse and the night forever goes down in history

Get that hate off your heart and get me off your mind
No longer your concern so lets move on with time

Cuz there's No time to go backwards, we tried this before
You made it all clear that the real you is sore

Your ego had shown and your prides on the floor
But you took so **** long, now your prize out the door
...
Im not trying to boost but you could have lived lavishly
Cuz no matter our bank account, no matter what tragedy
We kept our heads up, and your soul was so attached to me
But that one last night i had you, you had did me savagely

And i accept that, matter fact i respect that
I told you to stand up for yourself and helped you grow, U can't neglect that

But when your fam ask what happened, do you tell them all the truth,
tell me what words did you really use to reflect that?

Tell me what words did you use to help you think that
What you said was how u felt cuz if u think back

Just one day before, we walked out by the shore all in love but i guess you didnt sink that

I guess you pick and choose what you want to marinate
But thank god, cuz this really could have been a later date
We were three years deep in and i let it sink in
That with you i could never see my heart break

But that broken heart and shade that you threw was never worth it

And im not playing innocent, i threw shade, i got my word in

But that really does nothing
So can we please stop the bluffin
Cuz the both of us knows we dont deserve it

The both of us cant really bare the burning
The hate in us cant stand to feel us hurting

I feel myself breaking on the inside.
I feel myself taking out my insides.

Starting with my heart
I take that apart
So no ones key can no longer fit

And next is my brain
So these thoughts can be tamed
And put together the poetry I spit

I cut open my veins,
So I can empty my soul
So you can really see what's on the inside

And I give you my lens
So you see dimensions
And see what I see with my eyes

I want to be felt,
but not physically touched
I want you to feel how I feel

I take myself apart
Starting with my insides
And finally feel with the skin that I've peeled

I miss driving 8 miles just to try to see you
But this distance is taking me to the ICU
I get so high now days, I think I see two
Trust so low. Constantly asking and need to see proof.

Got my heart ripped out and you started to tear it
And I ran away not knowing you'd be the one to repair it
Regretting physical moments that I ain't mentally cherish
That was my heart, my love, I'd never let you share it!

My heart was on my sleeve but I'll never let you wear it!
And my hate towards you, I swore I'd let you hear it
If a day came that I met her, you better bet she'd fear it
Man the **** we had, you KNOW another could never come near it

I remember saying I hated the word sorry
But now days all I do is look for an apology

I keep telling my self to forgive and forget but wanting them to show their guilt and regret

And if they did, we could build and respect

Instead of showing the subject

This type of neglect....

Like that **** ain't hurt me?

The way I reacted in every situation showed how it burned me

You gotta test me out if you really finna learn me

It takes more than what you think you know to distinguish or discern me

These moments in life, we got less than a few

So why's it heavy on my mind? Maybe cuz it's not to you

You dont want to wait till its too late to up and dead a feud

Cuz tomorrow that person really could be up and dead to you

Pull it, pull it, just ******* do it.
Because if not now, you'll ******* lose it.
As I sit..with my knees to my chest,
I slide the gun up my thigh to my breast, and then up from my throat to my chin,
my heart beats..I can't help but listen,
and I put it in my mouth,
wishing for energy to shout,
but I take a breath
and then I take it out,
glide it across my cheek,
and up to my temple.
Call me a freak.
Call me mental.
Just end it all, right here, right now.
And listen close 'cause this will be your last sound.
Just ******* do it, this life ain't worth livin,
So let's get to it, call it My Final Decision.
I close my eyes and my face tightens,
Sorry to who will find me, I didn't mean to frighten.
Just ******* do it.
I pull the trigger
Get some chalk and draw my beautiful figure.

If you make a move...
You're left with nothing.

If you don't make a move...
You're left with nothing.

So in the end,
You'll have more than you ever had before.

If I asked you to take the train down
Would you even visit me?
If I told you I missed the taste of your lips
Would you start kissing me?
Would you make my heartbeats pace race while you caress my face so tenderly
While I stare in your eyes just in case you really do remember me.

If I asked you if you love me
Would you still keep me guessing
Cuz if you sending mixed signals
I'm not going ever get the message
If I gave you my broken heart, would you handle it being reckless
Would inviting you back in be something you'd be regretting?

Nevermind, I gave my heart out once and even then I should've kept it

I won't expose your body
I won't expose your temple
But I'll do even worse
And I'll expose your mental

Tell them how we used to be
And tell them how you used me
Tell them how you let go
And never was afraid to lose me

I got a lot of hate built
But I wont expose your pics
And yea you played me like an instrument
But I won't expose those chicks

Cry a ******* fake river
Filled with words that contradict
And acid in every word
That your mouth could possibly spit

I think you believe your own lies
I think you like this lil disguise
Cuz I swear when I look at you
I look the devil in his eyes

I knew you liked to play with fire
And I really hate to admit
That now I know what you meant
When you said one match had our hearts lit

Out of all things, this is playing it safe
Out of all people, shes the one you'd take
And with all the circumstances and situations and places that our relationship persuaded us to fulfill ******* breaks in us,...

thinking that it was mean to be, feeling a little ecstasy, ****** us up so mentally, but this is what you call "careully"?

I hope what God has in store for us is good. And if I could forget you right now then I would. But I understood every word you said, I just wish it would get off repeat in my head.

This ain't playing it safe

We spat in each others faces
Running the longest races
And jumping over obstacles
Barefoot on burning rocks and hills

Trying to find whats missing
And wishing that i was kissing
Those lips that had me slittin
My wrist and using my fist

To punch these walls that closed up on me
While i let you get closer up on me
To hold me and not let go of me
Saying, proving and showing me

Energies walk around us
We hid from them but they found us
Tore us apart to pound us
As we yelled but heard no sound but

Will you really make love to me
Say that theres none above me
And try to seriously trust me
Take it out on me lustily

Be my forever and always
Hold my hand like we did in hallways
I know you're tired of this phase
Lets get back or be better than our old ways

I got these words that I can't put together
I got this block, I know this poem could be better
If I could make this weight on my shoulders feel like a feather
Then I would but just look, this **** wasn't easy
I turned around and reached out, that **** made me queasy
Cuz I opened myself up and I let your *** read me
I should've trusted my gut, gave you the key to my heart but you keyed me
You told your squad to tune in to my sorrows and pleading
But I'm good now, ******* turned into 5
You ****** can't see me

On my way to rehab
Just one more short day
Till i have to say goodbye
Till i have to go away

Till i have to start a promise
That i know i shouldnt have made.
I promised I'd be better
But that's not as easy as said

I wish it didnt get this bad
I wish that it was better
I wish that I could move on like her
I wish I never m....

No. Thats not true.
I know I'm glad I met you
So I could ****** challenge myself
Trying not to mean that I regret you

And no, I'm not starting over
Consider this a step two
You took my life and ran with it
And I mother ****** let you

I'm glad I couldn't have kept you
Permanent damage, written in red too
I know you're probably sick of me
But I still hope the world will *bless you

I was there for you before you hurt me

I was there for you after you hurt me

I was there for you when i broke up with you

I was there for you when you pushed me away

I was there for you when u started to move on

I was there for you when you lied about it

I was there when u started distancing yourself from me

I was there for you when you stopped replying

I was there for you even though i was #3 on your list to be there for

I was there for you the day we had ***

I didn't want to be there for you when you told me you lost all feelings for me right after we had ***

And i stopped being there for you when you posted and reposted all the bull that you knew would hurt me and the things about your new found girlfriend

I stopped being there for you when you said you two would be cute together

I stopped being there for you when you said she was the cutest thing to ever sit in your passenger seat

I stopped being there for you when you said your bed smelled like her

I stopped being there for you when you quoted songs that we listened to together but meant it about her

I stopped being there when you said she might be your rain...



So dont ******* call me fake when i say not to hmp when you need me. Cuz you werent there for me. You were only the cause of my suffrage

You know how they say when you take drugs, the closer you come to death, the better the high?

Life is a drug
And it's deadly
It can have you up so high one second, and then have you crashing down hard.

Today I got high
It started off as if I were drinking a detox to cry all my tears.
Then the tears came faster,
so unexpectedly
And the thoughts came faster
So unintentionally

But I grabbed a pair scissors
and reached for some earphones
Ran into the bathroom and blasted Pandora through my earphones
Hoping but hating that I wish it was your voice through my earphones
Till your face popped up and my eyes were too blurry to see what wasn't so much a clear phone

I sat on the floor
Hoping you would know
Hoping in your heart,
you'd tell everyone to go
Hoping that you'd call
and then you'd get me sobered up
But I had pushed you away once and you were good to let me know
You're s i n g l e..

I thought I was your friend, your family,
your sister
Well I guess not so much,
at this point, my wrist blisters
I go harder and go deeper but the scissors aren't sharp,
so I go faster in my wrist while my soul is in the dark

I got dubstep blasting in my ears
cuz I can't fade the noise
Of the blade killing every skin cell,
now these scissors are just toys

I needed something to get the job done,
something hopefully fast
I didn't have time for scars and regrets.
I needed something to make it last.

So here's the part where I get closer
To the nonexistent devil himself
I grab a robe rope just hoping you'd respond
when I texted you for help

No one else could ever stop me
Because no one else understands
How high I can get off life
And letting the ******* coarse be ran

So I start to see these energies,
And they're all negative and dark
They surround me, waiting,
To see their ******* work of art

I sit as still as if I were sleep
Sitting up with my eyes open
I could only imagine what I looked like
Probably dead and nearly broken

So I pick up my rope
And I begin to make a noose
I make it tight
No room for loose
No room for mistake
No room for regret
No room to wake up again with my pillows soaking wet

So I tie it around my neck
And oh boy, it's getting serious
Without a thought, I just drop
But now I get a little curious

as to why I don't see
the freaking devil in my room
Cuz I definitely feel him,
guess I'm not that close to doom.

And after it gets tighter and tighter
I can feel my airways cut off
I think about my phone and wish it had been cut off
If it weren't for you, these thoughts would have been cut off
But if it weren't for you, this rope wouldn't have been cut off

I told myself before that I wouldn't ever fall in love again...
And then I did it.

But how can you fall in love if you don't believe in love
Or do I just not want to believe in love
My heart drops and bleeds for love
It feels so good but not when you need the love
It hurts so bad after you eat, sleep and breathe that love.
....
I get attached and become something of a mother.
My feelings get hurt easily and I run for cover.
I block out any and everyone but I know I'll run back to you.
Because I've opened up and no one else really knows what to do.

But then you shut me out as well, I've officially pushed you away.
Its like i can never do the right things, I can never express what I want to say.
Last week I told myself I'd never fall in love again.
But yesterday, I felt it in my heart but I feel like I committed sin.

Because today, I'm back at last week, where I wish I didnt have feelings.
I wish I could tear down my emotions without holding up the ceiling.
I wish you were here to wipe my tears but I know that you don't want to.
I pushed away everyone that I could always cry and run to.

Sometimes I think it'd be better if this ain't exist
So I can erase another problem when it's you that I miss

Could fall in love with you over and over again...
Heart drops. Breath stops. My whole head spins.

It's crazy because when it happens, it's just you and I.
Nothing else around us. Not even dark or light.

There is no other existence other than powerful connection.
Everything your mind sends to mine, I am accepting.
You're the only one I know that can put history in repeat,
Unless I can too, then you'd, again, fall in love with me.

Did you say it 'cause you were sad
Did I make you that mad?,
That your words were directed at my face with a jab?

After all we've been through?
After all you've told me?
You had the nerve to speak the words
"you dont even know me"?!

I know that I hurt you.
I'd apologize to this day.
But I'd turn to dust if I made you look back that way.

I want to leave it in the past,
But does it ever cross your mind?
How bad we got from great to grit in just so little time?

Because I was just too blind,
Didn't even open my eyes
But when I did, I realized that you were one of a kind.

Because when I fought for you...
It's something only one other had gotten.
But it was the other that buried my heart and you took it after it was rotten.

I won't ask any other questions,
Because I know what you can do..
Because deep down I seen your pain, but I'm scared to know the truth.

I just want to know...
if its real or my little myth?...
That I do not know the person that I fell in love with...

Mom used to tell me that I had to count sheep. Now I count tears because i cry myself to sleep.

I've learned that intentional pain doesn't hurt as much as accidental pain...physically and emotionally.

I can't trust anyone to not hurt me.
Not even myself.