I can’t find the words that I want to say to you.
Every time I try to speak,
I choke on the dirt and grass that cover graves.
I choke on the insects that infest bodies post-exodus.
I choke on the last little breaths I have left in this hole.

I’m drowning in this dirt.

I’m dying in this grave of unspoken words.

Here we are again. A place I’m all too familiar with. My bedroom. Late at night. I’m sitting here upset at something I saw on the Internet again. Or something someone said again. Here I am laying in my own sadness and depression, laying here in my own disappointment. Why is it like this every single ******* time?

I lay here and just try to fall asleep, but instead I want to fall off a cliff. But instead, I try to fall into a song. I fall face first into some deep-**** lyrics, and heart first into a melody that can move tears down cheeks and mountains both at the same time. I keep hoping that the music will take me away from here. Take me away from this information that makes me want to scream and shout and cry and ***** all at the same time in some weird, guttural image that would put Picasso out on street corners begging for eyes to gaze upon his art. But is it too much to beg for eyes to gaze upon a heart?

Maybe my heart is just lonely and needs attention. I’ve never been sure if I give it enough myself. But there’s only so much one person can do for something until it needs a second pair of eyes, a second pair of hands, a second opinion, a second dose of love. Maybe my twin size bed is keeping that second pair of eyes, that second dose of love from having any room to squeeze into my heart. Or maybe I’ve just never been good at sharing. I always eat more cookies then I should. I want the whole pizza to myself. And don’t even get me started on music selection.

I’m rambling again, but I think I’m just distracting myself from what I saw again. Or what I heard again. I’m trying to distract my mind because it doesn’t know how to process what it’s just seen, what it’s just heard.  I don’t know how to cope with being let down. I don’t know why, because I’ve been let down so much you think I’d have chosen a final resting place by now.

It’s too dark in here to see what I can do about this. So, I just do what I always do. After listening to my music, pity *******, and crying trying not to be heard, I lay down and try to rest.

Maybe I’ll fall asleep, and in the morning, it’ll all be better.

Or maybe I’ll fall asleep, and in the morning, it’ll all be over.

I’m not sure which thought is gonna help me get to sleep.

To override,
a bad memory
is to go into the heart.

To supersede
a scary moment
is to go into the heart

And to over-through
an ego mind
is to go into the heart.

The HEART a place to call home
with its endless supply
of love, safety, and peace.

eyes forced open
hand stretched out
trying to grasp at something
that always stays a step out of reach

it hovers above me
filling me with false hope
my eyes begin to flutter
it turns its wings
then drags me back to darkness
silence becomes too loud

i can't escape
yet it has to be done

for something to simple
why must it hurt so much?

he moved her
like a cigarette
between his fingers
both made him feel good
he let her in
and felt things
he never quite understood
but when he's done
like a cigarette
he'll simply turn her off.

Softly child softly
Skitter through the fields to the ruined city
Stand on the outskirts and wonder
Who could have destroyed this?
Wonder
Who could have torn down these arches?
On tiny feet approach
Tread softly child, softly

Over the red dust
Across the desolate plains
Toward the hint of the fallen city.
Foot falls like gentle rain
Wonder mixing with innocence and love
Softly, child

Skip around the rim
Dance with the choice of stepping where none have
On bold feet; Be courageous..
But curiously, child. Softly

Step inside the bounds
Find its dark destroyed corners, and
marvel at the wear of time
Wonder, child

In the epicentre
From which the salt earth extends
A small circle of pearls
Plant a seed
child, thoughtfully

Water it with your tears
Shelter with body and belief
And watch as this seed take
Tend the vines, then
Cultivate the ground with your love
Softly, child

Now sit..
Sit, child
And weep.
Not in shame
Nor sorrow, despair or anguish at loss
Let the marvel of your hands very creation
Fuel your tears
Weep for the subtle nature
Weep for the one who came before
My beautiful child

Now smile
As eyes slowly cloud
As memory finally becomes sight
And lungs now strive for air
Let go
And be at rest, finally as all things
Sleep child.
Peace.