But I know I am not good enough,
Nor will I ever be,
So thinking about that makes me cry,
And I don't like that,
For it makes me uncomfortable,
Or I just can't stop crying,
Yet sometimes that's okay.

Please lay your heavy head upon my chest.
All I want is to hold you all night long.
It would make my day if you do say yes.
It has been you forever- all along.

I should not have let you go, my darling-
What mistake!- a poorly made decision.
I need to be taught the law of Starling
So my heart can know its own precision

But when you gave me all your affection,
My eyes were already for one cruel boy.
He was a mess and a wrong selection,
For his mode was only set to destroy.

I know I am too late to be your girl;
I just thought I would let these words unfurl.

Temptation came in sliding on his knees asking, “Will you dance with me?”

He didn't say “hello”, or “wow it’s been a while, hasn’t it?”. Just a simple question. He stayed on his knees waiting for an answer, but he didn’t get one quickly. After I stumbled on my words for what seemed like forever, I finally managed a yes.

The band just finished playing. The owners turned on a CD for people to waltz to, and the floor was already crowded with smiling couples and stumbling beginners.

“You are going to lead me the whole time, okay?” I asked him, but it was more of a demand. I remembered talking to him about this place and I knew he came here a lot. We had never danced together, but I had always wanted to dance with him.

“Do you even know how to waltz?” he asked.

“I do ballet. Of course I know how to waltz.” I managed to say with more confidence than I knew I had. The memories from last summer were unfurling inside my brain and I thought I was about to explode. I didn’t think I could manage another word but I surprise myself by asking how he was.

“Oh, I’m pretty good. I ship out in June. You can’t believe how much I want to leave this place,” he said. I tried looking into his eyes, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. He was holding his gaze directly on me, but when I tried looking into his eyes, I had to look away. After all this time, I forgot their color. He then said, “Loosen up, darling. You’re so tense.” he flipped our arms around and twirled me quite a bit and I was getting lost, but he is a very good leader. He was holding my hands firmly, yet it was still gentle and we ended up with our hands over our heads. “Bend backwards,” he instructed, so I did. He lowered me down into a dip and I finally looked directly into his eyes. How could I forget that they are exactly the same color as mine?

Our faces were only but three inches apart; about a year ago, we were at a place where those three inches wouldn’t even exist. He lingered there for only a second more before I broke our gaze and he decided to briskly raise me back up and continue the waltz.

“You are really tense; loosen up,” he said again. It made sense, I have a habit of holding my breath when faced with temptation, but he just continued smiling at me.

“Sorry, I’m used to holding myself all the time.”

He just looked around the room and then dipped me again and whispered in my ear, “I’ll hold you.”

I wanted to hit him. Did he forget what happened last summer? Because I did not. I flashed back to where we were. Sitting on the rocks next to the creek that leads into the larger river. He was playing his guitar and singing me the song he wrote for me. It was cliché, but at the time it was a sweet gesture. His voice was always angelic to me. From the first time I heard him sing until the last time, which ended up being this day.

When he finished singing the song, I couldn't find any words to say. I just sat there and then he leaned over and kissed me. This wasn't the first time he kissed me, but it was different from the first time. The first time was at church and was really short. This kiss was, well, not short at all.

He brought me back up to standing and whisked me across the floor. He kept leading me and twirling me and switching our arms around. The waltz still continued and so did our conversation. I looked up at him occasionally and he was still looking at me. Throughout the dance, we drifted closer and closer together. I didn't notice when it was happening, but in this moment I realized that there was almost no space between us.

“You know, I bet my boyfriend’s pretty mad,” I said. I looked over at him. He was sitting on a bench glaring in my general direction, so I turned around abruptly and then my dance partner got a peek at him.

He laughed at the fact that he was glaring at us and then leaned in even closer to tell me something through his smile, “My girlfriend is watching too, but them watching us just makes it more fun.”

If you love someone
Do not ever let them go.
They will not come back.

You're a dime--
But not in the way that you think.

You're the dime that he
Leaves on the table because he
Doesn't feel the need
To pick you up when given spare change.

You're the dime that he
Puts in a machine with no hesitation
Because he just had a craving
And you're helping him to get his fix.

You're the dime that he
Digs in his pockets for so that
He can call home but he
Doesn't find you because you aren't there.

You're the dime that he
Lost because he
Never paid
Attention to you until he couldn't find you.

You're the dime that someone else
Found and picked up
Off the street and
Actually wants and appreciates.

You are a dime.

I have been working at 110% for you
I stayed when I said I'd go
I pushed through
But then I had been through enough

I was done working for you
I left when I promised to stay
I didn't make it very long
I missed you

You said you were glad I was back
You said you had so much waiting for me
You made me believe you
But you were lying, as usual

And now here I am
Still in your cold grasp
Like my hand around a mug
Of Spanish hot chocolate that I'm drinking in the snow.

The hardest thing about this is
You believe it is your fault.

I should have known better.
I should have not been in that situation.

There is no telling when this would ever happen.
There is just you and them.

Fight or freeze?
More times than most, people freeze.

Why didn't I scream?
Why didn't I fight it?

Everyone's body processes things differently.
It is alright if you froze.

Know it is not your fault.
You are a victim.

But he was my boyfriend.
He said he loved me.

Everyone has their own problems.
He just chose to let his out in a ****** mode.

*Why would he do this to me?

Your words always
                        cut me deep,
But lately they're starting
                        to burn.
I'm getting used to
                        the pain,
But I don't know how to feel
                        seeing flames on your tongue.

I hit the crosswalk
And I know how you feel.
Your overcoat is trembling,
But your lips are steel.

But sooner or later, you will come around.
And I will find your favor as you're falling down.

I hide in your sweatshirt
With my knees drawn in tight.
I sit in the corner
With the company of moonlight.

You say you walk the road less traveled- how does that make you feel?
But with your words like gravel, how can I finally heal?

Don't you think that it is a little strange?
Everything I do is just a waste of time.
Possibly a never ending cycle of nothingness.
Restlessness stays with me in my sleep.
Every night I am in unrest. 
Speak to me with words of encouragement.
Sing sweet melodies to me while you hold me.
I will sleep then.
Only to be awoken by terror.
Netherworlds do exist.

I know that you don't want
Anything long term
Or serious right now
And I am completely fine
With being the smoke that
Fills your lungs
Even if just for a moment
And then as you exhale
And let me go
I'll be fine as I watch you
Extinguish the remaining glow
From the short cigarette
Of our relationship.

You are the only one who can make me happy,
Yet you are the only one close enough to cause me pain.

Look me in the eyes.
Do your best impression of a lover
And hold me
A little too tightly
Not like you're trying to squeeze a smile out of me
More like gripping me
In your arms.
Make me feel just uncomfortable enough
To try to escape your grasp,
But make sure I can't.

Whisper in my ear.
Do your best impression of a secret.
Echo through my entire body
A little too rapidly.
Not in a euphoric sense,
But a violent shaking.
Loosening my limbs in an attempt to
Fight back.
Trying to cause a little damage,
But you're stronger than me.

Touch my skin.
Do your best impression of a flame
And burn me.
Push me aggressively and enjoy it.
You always did like being violent.
Pin me up against a wall,
Tie me onto it,
Put your knife collection to good use.
You always brag about having good aim.
Let's see how you do with me as your target.

(Don't be scared, you were the one who promised our love made us immortal)

There may be a thorn
In my side, but you have such
Beautiful petals.

You say that you love me more than anything,
Yet I see that it is not true.
Your heart doesn't love just me.
Your love for me doesn't pump the blood in your veins
As my love for you does.
I know your heart wants more.
More than me.
More than money.
More than anything,
Your heart wants to stop.
You want to stop.

I've never been admitted to a hospital.
But yesterday I was.
I went through registration and
They put this bracelet on my arm to identify me.
I am sitting in my bed now.
It moves to adjust to my body
So that I don't hit a pressure point while I sleep.
Doctors ordered an echocardiogram.
They did an ultrasound on my heart.
I could see everything.
All of the valves and movements.
The technician doing it said that even
My heart loves to dance.
Everything was normal with my heart,
But I will never forget how the aortic valve looks.
It is quite terrifying with all the other valves around it.
It looks like a face, just distorted.
And it moves,
But the two smaller valves on top that look like eyes,
They never stop looking at you.

You don't walk in straight lines.
You curve and weave and go right through where you want.
It reminds me of the time you decided to write on your arm.
You didn't need any ink,
"That's what the blood is for," you said.
"Have you ever done this before?"
No I hadn't,
But you convince me I've been through enough to want to.
You had me under the influence,
But the "influence" is much bigger than drugs.

Gnashing the words in my mouth before I say them.
Tick-tock why can't you speak?
pause



"Hello?
Sorry I uh..... I
"Are you drunk?"
No.
"Are you sure?"
...
Repeat five more times.

Form sentences quickly.
you are a pathetic idiot
Who said that?

Don't babble.
Babble=stutter.
Don't stutter.

Form sentences.
Don't take too long to think.

When will we get to dance?
All I want to do is be twirling with you.
Lead me across the room in this waltz.

Would you even want to waltz?
I long for you to ask me to dance.
I close my eyes and wait for you.

Why do I even want to dance with you.
The last thing I should want to do is waltz.
Especially with you because you don't like to dance.

All I want to do is dance with you and waltz across the room in your arms.

Please just say something.
Don't leave me hanging on by a thread.
I've always hated being tied to other's strings
So give an answer to all I've said.

I've waited so long to hear your words,
But you never give me a reply.
I can't keep up for my mind is blurred.
Even so, I'll never be fine.

I gave you so many chances.
Why won't you just give me one?
Down on my knees is my newest stance
Without closure I'll never be done.

I know you just want things to end
Believe me it's what I want too.
I hope that you'll just be a friend
And teach me how to get over you.

His muscles contract.
Arms extended, one front and one side.
There is so much concentration-
You can tell by the face he always makes:
One eyebrow raised, lips pursed, eyes focused.
He bends his knees,
Opens his front arm to the side,
Relaxes his face,
Barely closes his eyes,
And then returns to the intense gaze.
Then he is spinning and spinning and spinning.
The pirrouette is flawless and he even holds a balance at the end.
His leg that is raised shows his sartorius bulging out in the lights.
Then he extends his leg to the side parallel to the ground
And then kneels for the final pose with his eyes closed.
When he opens them,
All he sees is his reflection in the mirror.
No one is there to congratulate him,
But he gets up and starts it again.
He did 7 turns-
He wanted to do 8.

Today is Monday
But I would rather it be
A new day with you.

~
I longed to be strikingly beautiful
But then I realized that's not what you liked.
You were beyond mediocre, but you loved subtlety.
~~
Forgotten at an art museum
Wandering slowly
I take my time so that I do not miss anything
The way that I miss you.
~~~
I don't demand any attention
Or affection
Because I cannot command it.
~~~~
Some dedications are sincere
Others are made to satisfy an ego.
I just hope that mine means enough
To flatter you.
~~~~~
I realize I am not valuable,
But I must be worth something,
Right?

I usually hate being called "baby."
Like who do you think you are?
I am not a child, nor am I a baby.

But when you called me baby,
I didn't mind at all.
I guess it just worked coming from you.

And now you're gone.
And now he is calling me baby,
But it works coming from him
Because it reminds me of you...

"I was walking and then I fell into a prickly bush."
Darling, I know what you have been up to.
You don't walk near prickly bushes,
You don't even like walking at all.
"No I promise. The leaves scratched me, look."
Then please tell me, my love, why they are all straight lines?
Why are the marks in evenly straight intervals?
And why can I see the beginning of a word under your sleeve?
"IT WAS A BUSH!! YOU NEVER BELIEVE ME!"
Oh, yes.
It was a bush alright.
It was a bush made out of flesh and bone.
With muscles and tendons and ligaments making everything work.
But the leaves, the prickly leaves.
The leaves were made of metal.
This I know as a fact.
A random blade you pulled out of a razor that you broke.
And I know exactly where you "fell" into this "bush".
It is in your bathroom with the shower running to wash the blood right down the drain.
Your parents would never suspect because "Oh, he's far too happy to even think of doing that."
The bush is you, sweetheart.
And you are destroying your beautiful branches.

Every message I write,
I write with the impression that
No one will actually respond,
But you did.
What do I do now?

Any moment I had with you is priceless
Many people don't know what it is like to get chills when someone says their name
Perhaps they haven't found their reason of existence yet.
How could you make me feel so good and say it is wrong?
Every time you held me, I knew that was where I was meant to be.
Tragic. It is tragic that you didn't feel the same way.
All alone, I sat there because you didn't feel the things I felt.
Maybe you just needed to get away for a while.
I know you needed a break, I just didn't want you to go.
Now I am alone and I am waiting for you,
Even though I know you won't come back.

For the past few days
I have felt drunk without a drop of alcohol.
My mind is fuzzy
Which doesn't help my memory problems.
I'm dizzy
Which doesn't help my low blood pressure.
I have a lack of motivation
Which doesn't help my lack of motivation.

For the past few days
When I drink, I don't feel drunk.
My mind gets clear
Which is the complete opposite of when I drink.
I'm still dizzy
Which is completely normal for me.
I have a lack of motivation,
Per usual.

I hope to be your
Sunshine, but if you are my
Sun, than what am I?

Ringing

Pick up... pick up...
Hello?
Go to the hospital.
I'm good. Don't worry about me. I'm good.
Allen, go to the hospital.
I'll get better. Stop nagging me.
You won't get better if you don't go to the hospital and get looked at.
I'm not going. I can't afford that.
You have insurance. They want to help you. I promise.
I don't have money for that. Hospitals are only for rich, white people.
Allen, go to the hospital. You are worrying me! Please just go.
No. I will get better on my own.
You need help, Allen.
No I don't. I'm good.
Allen, you don't even want help, do you? You don't even want to get better at all..
Emma, I'm fine. It will all be okay in time.
That was your point wasn't it? To make it all okay? But for who, Allen? Just okay for you? Because if you leave, I won't be okay. Please get help..
I don't want help and I don't need it anyways. I will be gone soon and everything will be better. You'll move on. Everyone will. No one cares about me anyways.
... You think no one cares about you? Allen, I love you. And you want to leave? Because you think no one cares? I care. I care about you so much. I always see those cuts on your wrists even when you always wear longsleeves because I think you are a little more comfortable around me than everyone else. I see those cuts and think *Why does he do that to himself? Is it my fault? Is there anything I can do to make him realize that he doesn't have to do that? I really try to be there for him, but maybe I am not enough for him to be happy But I still try. Even though I think that, I try to help. And I don't do that because I pity you. I do that because I love you. I love you, Allen.
... Emma, please stop.
No, Allen. I won't stop. You need to get help. I can't lose you. What about your mom? She needs you. And your little sister? She needs you. Do you want to leave your family?
EMMA STOP! I HAVE TO GO!
NO YOU DON'T ALLEN! YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO!
Emma.. you are the best person I know.
Allen what's happening are you okay?
Yea... Emmmmma It'ss aaall okayyy
Allen, please get help, your words are slurring.
...
Allen can you hear me?
I loooove youu Emmmmaa. My prettyyyy Emmmma.
ALLEN STAY WITH ME! PLEASE DON'T GO!
...
ALLEN
...

*Dial-tone

Right now it is pouring rain. A thunderstorm with lightning and all. It made me think of him.

I saw him on Thursday and the skies didn't look so pretty. "If the weather goes bad we can just dance in the rain, or kiss in the rain. Or whatever." I laughed a nervous laugh and we continued walking around downtown.

It was late- around 9 is when we were going to meet, but he had car trouble. I waited for him to get there outside on a bench. I was reading to pass the time. People started making me feel uncomfortable though. Some people slowed down when walking or driving past me; one person even felt the need to shout across the street at me, so when he said he finally made it, I immediately got up and started looking for him.

He were on the other side of the street. I was going to meet him over there, but he laughed at me before I could.

"What are you doing?" he asked. He had to shout so I could hear him from across the street.

"Going to the crosswalk to cross the street," I replied, but he was already running across the street- jaywalking, but he got to me faster so I didn't mind.

We made it back to the frozen yogurt place where I was waiting for him. While getting his yogurt, he and an older man in the store struck up a conversation. The older man asked, "Is this your wife?" and he immediately said, "Oh, no. Just a friend." No other conversation could be as  awkward while perfectly describing our relationship.

After he paid, we started walking around. I confessed to him that I avoid going places because I don't want to see my ex-boyfriend, and he understood. We went down another path to go where I would most likely not run into him.

We were cutting through a parking lot and his motto for me came up again. He always says I think to much- "You need to turn off your brain," he says. I try to listen, but it's much more difficult than I thought it would be.

After a while I started realizing that I was just a spastic, paranoid mess, and he noticed too. I decided that I needed tea to calm myself down so we walked back down to an ice cream shop that also sold tea and coffee.

We originally started out in chairs, but then we moved to one of the couches because it was more comfortable (and maybe we both just wanted an excuse to sit closer to each other). For some reason, my overly active mind seems to cease when he kisses me. Maybe I'm just feeling too much to process it or think of anything else, but my thoughts go silent. I never feel more alert. I may not hear things as well, but I never feel things more intensely.

By this point it was time for him to take me home. I didn't want to go home, but I had to. He started driving and I was just sitting quietly next to him. We had been listening to "Local Natives" the few times we were together, so it was fitting to play it then.

He kept telling me how attractive he finds me, and I know he means well, but after being demeaned by people who say they love you, it is hard to accept compliments or even just the truth. I tried not to be hard headed about it so I would just say thank you.

He wanted to drive the long route home so he would have more time with me. I wasn't going to complain or argue against him because I just wanted to be with him too. He parked at a stop sign so we could talk, and it was so nice to have someone who actually listened to me and didn't push me to do things that I didn't want to do.

We continued driving towards my house, but then he realized something was wrong with his truck, so he pulled over and assessed the situation. He asked me to use a phone as a flashlight, so I grabbed his and brought it out so he could see. Somethings make me want to assess certain situations, but I didn't want to do or say anything to ruin what was going on. I don't even know what was going on. All I know is:  our timing always *****.

The way he hugged me and held me before we got back in the truck made me never want to leave, but it was already past my curfew so I really needed to go. I wouldn't mind getting in trouble for being late because I was with him, but my parents thought I was out with other friends. That would have ended very poorly if they found out.

We got to my house and said our goodbyes. He is already back up in North Carolina now and I don't really know when I will see him again. I'm hoping soon.

Lost.
I am last
In a little place
With the human race.

I am just a girl.
Always second place
Second... place.

It was one of the best years
Of my short 17 year life.
I managed to drown
In the lake that was your eyes.
I managed to tumble
Down a hill into your arms.
I managed to fall
In love,
But for me it was an easy feat.
I wanted to fall in love,
And I wanted it to be with you,
But maybe love isn't so easy to come by.
Maybe I was
Drowning,
Tumbling,
And falling
Into another reality.
One where we were both happy
100% of the time.
Not just happy 30%
And angry or upset 70% of the time.
Is that love?

I sit behind a girl who smells of vanilla
And envy her honey-kissed hair.
I could always get a new perfume
And dye my hair,
But one day I hope my plain mediocrity
Catches your attention.

Everyone is
Far too vulnerable when
Gazing at your smile.

It was love at first sight
For me.
You still haven't quite
Caught on.
But we'll keep seeing
Each other
And maybe someday it
Will be
Love at sixty-seventh sight
For you.

Maybe all of this will go away someday
Everything that haunts me will vanish into thin air
This seems so unreal, but most things do.
How do we even know what is real or not?
You never really know how to tell.
Letting different things control your brain just makes it harder.
Everything is heightened, you are heightened
Never looking down, never going down
Energy is restored, you feel alive!
Doubts are gone, what are doubts?
I don't  even remember.
Of all the things going on in my brain, I can't pick one out singularly.
Experts can't even decipher who I am.
You have even told me that I am hard to read.
My mind has never rejected so many things before
Even when it rejected everything that used to make me happy.
Transform me into who you want me to be because I lost myself.
How can you tell me to leave you when you hold me up 89% of the time?
Anything we do is to benefit the other.
Maybe we can just leave each other without pain
Pain is inevitable in every situation.
How could you leave me alone without you
Even when you knew that you were everything that I had?
Together, I could breathe
Apart, I hyperventilate.
My mindset is that if I run fast enough maybe I will catch you my dear.
I will keep on running until I reach you.
Never have I ever tried so hard to keep someone in my life.
Everyday you stay, I am thankful to have you.

The guests are leaving
The shoes are off
The mascara remains
Only because it is waterproof.

The room is empty
The music is off
The food remains
Only because it is already paid for.

The door is open
The lights are off
The flame remains
Only because there was no energy to extinguish it.

The veil is torn
The dress is off
The girl remains
Only because she does not believe you're gone.

It was a lazy
Day to watch television
And just lay with you.

After all this time,
You better not let me down
Again. Not again.

But you always do
Again and again, but I
Won't let you this time.

I will not think twice
To protect myself from you
Because you hurt me.

The aesthetic of leave-taking
Despises a self-satisfied kiss.

Now that I think about it 
You don't look like my floor.
If anything, you are the exact opposite.
Such an uncomfortable surface,
But your arms hold me perfectly.
Even though when we hug, 
You hold me so tightly that I never want to leave.
Being with you feels so good,
But that just makes being away from you so much worse
I could just lay in the back of your car with you forever. 
And forever is a very long time. 
Did you know that?

You follow me everywhere I go.
Not a single day passes where I don't see you.
I want you to get out of my life
get out of my head
And leave me alone
Forever this time.

Everyone thought it was the right thing to do,
and I agreed.
It needed to stop.
Our relationship was not healthy
and we both couldn't breathe.
I was holding my breath while tiptoeing around you
and you were holding yours like it was the last bit of air you had.
We were being so fragile with each other
but only when we weren't fighting
or yelling or crying or screaming
or begging each other to just let go.
Please just let go...
But even though it is over,
I still can't breathe.

You cannot rely
Solely on the beatings of
Hearts for a response.

Saturday's pleasant
Glow lightened the harsh shadow
Of Friday's mistakes.

My love, I know not
If death is better as a
Butcher or ballet.

The inconsistencies were nothing to her
The slips
The ice that was freezing her
Had started to melt
Into his eyes like summer
The beautiful thing is that it moves-
Rather, it's moving
Slowly at a pace compatible to
His breath as he is almost asleep
He rarely ever does, which adds to the beauty
She moves too fast
Frantically until she tires herself
And falls asleep on his shoulder on the way home--
Don't be silly:

I have always loved you,
Just not this dearly.

I walk under a dark cloud,
Rain seems to fall from my eyes
And the sky constantly.
It wasn't my choice to live
In such bleak conditions-
My mission? To be free.
I've never felt secure before
Always uneasy and never safe,
A slave to my own memory.

But one day, the sky cleared
My mind took a veer towards happiness.
The rain decided to stop
And something mopped it all up.
For some of the few
There is no other view than sunshine.
And since I met you,
I know what to do- I must remain in the
Sun, and my sun is with you.