The day I was born,
I lay in your arms, too young to smile up at you
My eyes still black, you called me Lucifer
but they faded to the purest blue

Father, I was so fond of you
and 'Da' was my first word, how proud were you
when you heard me say it from my tiny drawn lips
And now I dare not to breath your name

I was just an angel in the presence of God
and from heaven I was sent home, sent here
You cut my wings and let me fall
but forgiveness is not something I'll ever ask for

You appeared to me as something else,
a chauffeur without a hat or taxi sign
a bank with a voice that spoke of favours
You feel I'm forever in debt to you

But money is not a substitute for love,
Nor are conversationless car rides in the dark,
You're a God and I'm just a girl
who called you "Daddy" in quotation marks

Dear you,
I hate you. I hate you and your stupid side glances, the way you smile at me like you have a secret in the back seat of the car at midnight. The way you keep your cigarette behind your ear. I hate that ******* sadness in your eyes and I hate wanting to kiss your tears away. I hate how your cheekbones cut the air, I hate how you look in the light of the street lamps on cold nights. I hate how I want to get drunk off your whiskey kisses. I hate that my head is filled with memories, things we did, things you said and every street I walk down I hear you taking the same footsteps beside me. I hate how that bench has your name on it, I hate how my heart swells when you say mine.
I hate you.
But I'll always love you just the same.

Warm summer night, your hand in mine, dancing around the kitchen to Abba, the floor sticky with spilled ***** bubblegum blue, before I turned to whiskey straight stashed in my bedroom drawer.

Cool early morning, stepping out into a rainstorm, giggling like schoolchildren as we collapsed back into our beds, our bodies soaking wet,       before I started using my umbrella during the lightest showers.

Hot sunny day, barefoot by the ocean, my head on your chest listening to the sound of your heart close to my ear, before I found comfort in only the sound of the sea in a shell.

Dark Halloween eve, dizzy with drunkenness, sat on your lap, your arms around my waist before
I vomited into the bathroom sink
and washed all my love for you
away

Are you as sad as your eyes,
Those dull blue eyes that
tell me you're carrying a dead love
like a heavy carcass
everywhere you go

Are you as weak as your lungs,
those tar-stained lungs that
I thought were going to give out
when you stopped holding your tears back

Are you as lost as your voice,
that husky voice that seemed to crack
and fade out, carrying unfinished sentences
as if you had been gagged

I'm sorry,
I cannot hold your heart for you,
wrapped in velvet to keep safe
when you keep letting her
                                            tear it
                                            tear it
                                            tear it apart
like the beer mats that you abused

Friday,
you smiled at me,
as I made my way out of the wreckage

Your smile was all I noticed,
set in your soft face,
teeth brighter than energy-savers
Now I know why you still smoke

And now it seems,
every man clad in black or grey,
a trench coat that buttons up to the neck,
is you..

You are an effigy,
of every man who masqueraded under the guise,
of potential lover

Who fumbled for their phones,
requesting mobile numbers,
Whose sallow hands have caressed me,
unwanted

But their teeth were unseen

Yours are a badge,
you proudly show off,
in all those smiles,
you give like gifts to me

But I can not keep them,
because they belong to the girl,
whose swollen lips you kissed,
not long ago

There is always another,
who expects your smile,
and knows by heart,
            The number of teeth you keep

I can't remember when you left,
It seems you were always leaving,
into the night, behind feathered trees,
and when the rain hit you,
you pretended you didn't feel anything

"I don't want to talk about my dad," you'd say
That unholy narcissist left bruises on you,
that you hid from us all

I wish you'd said your mother was a villain ,
who tried to send you to heaven,
but only succeeded in making you bleed;
a memory that resurfaced,
as the devil's stigmata,
on your wrists

You're the girl in a coma,
and have been since I met you,
who fell in love with her doctor,
the day she almost died

Her am I wondering,
are you alive?
Or are you a ghost,
haunting Christ Church,
continuing to do the only thing
that made you happy

I'm sorry you're gone,
your phone ringing out,
your profile a tombstone

I wish I could go,
go to your home
and ring your doorbell
without the fear of being told,

The girl in a coma has left,
not behind the trees,
into the dark,
but to the place her mother tried to send her,
not long after she took her first breath

You, blue-eyed boy with a once heavy-metal heart,
Who mimed slitting the throats of boys we now deem heartless,
Who suffocated under thick blankets of smoke in hot-boxed rooms,
Who gave beds and beer and ancient guitar picks to all who you loved

Who have you become?

You, once so full of joy,
have left your old heart behind,
crafted a new one out of felt,
and it is your darling who creates its cavities

Have you given up?

You, the boy with sad eyes,
shedding angel tears,
Who cares not for himself,
Who runs for his love,
Who dispenses coins from his mouth,
Who knows not the meaning of courage,
Whose friends left him like milk teeth

Sometimes I think I may pity you
But then I remember there's an exit door not far away
But you pass it by every Friday

And if I have one thing left to say,
It's that my heart is made from felt too,
Only I never let anyone tear it apart