i  remember feeling the hard lump in my throat
you told me everything would okay
but i couldn’t bring myself to believe you.

For months, i was a different person
but with the same face, hair and name --
a name that quite frankly,

didn’t feel like mine.
That part of me was ripped away
and torn to shreds.

Because the me you used to know,
had to swallow and medicate to feel even a
little bit okay.

The medication made it even harder
to pull myself out of the dark and
rip off the covers.

It took a long two weeks to get
used to the feeling of being a living zombie,
only to have to strengthen the dose.

Afterall, you can’t medicate a broken heart
and no amounts of sertraline
can truly take away the thoughts in your head.

Thoughts of a better life,
with no more hurt and acceptance.
But then you come back

and rid me of any chance i had
of getting away.
i  don’t remember the last time i truly

felt like myself.
i look in the mirror and see me,
but it’s not me.

it’s the idea of what i could’ve been,
the idea of who i could’ve become.
But that idea will never be me,

and i don’t want to medicate anymore.

I remember the sunset,
the first night we spent together.
He told me he loved me,
held my hand and swore his life to me.
Made promises that he
couldn't keep.


I used her for fertilizer
in my garden.
Made her believe she was special.
I stole the light from her eyes,
and left her in the dark --
without day.

Red

When he left for good that night,
I cried myself to sleep
and woke up without him.
In his place,
tear-stained cheeks and bloodshot eyes.


I rid of her,
limb for limb,
tore her in two and stole a piece of her...
all to myself.
Her insides bled
from their newly bloomed.

It is still mid august,
but it is earlier this time.
Looking outside,
you wouldn’t realize that.
It is dark,
and it is storming.
In New Hampshire,
the storms are crazier -
louder thunder,
brighter lightning,
and heavier rain.
And as I lay on this inflatable mattress once more,
listening to the raindrops as they collide with my bedroom window,
I’m met with a reality.
Because if I were in Connecticut right now,
I would be laying by your side,
we would listen to the storm together
and you would comfort me as I hide.
Burrowing my head deeper into the blankets,
as you wrap your arms around me,
holding onto my shaking body.
I would listen to your heartbeat,
steady but alive,
and it would calm me -
but only for a second before another loud boom fills my ears.
And with every jump that left my figure,
you would kiss my head,
reminding me that you’re still there,
as if your embrace wasn’t enough.
Because you wanted me safe,
and you would hurt anyone or anything that tried to harm me.
But in reality -
I am alone,
there is no one on this mattress with me.
And as an attempt to drown out the storm,
I lay with my fan on high
and put it next to my head.
And as I lay here pretending that for once I’m not alone,
I roll onto my side to be met with nothing but darkness.
Because in reality,
you are no where near.
A distance of three hours separates us,
and it’s been only two days,
but with every bolt of light that rips through the sky,
I feel my heart break a little more.
And I long to be the raindrop racing down the window next to me,
as it meets another and they become one.

I saw you today,
something about it didn’t seem right.
We sat together on that indoor porch,
like usual,
but something was off.
It wasn’t our front porch,
it was only yours.

Your birthday passed a couple weeks ago,
I didn’t come see you -
we had a fight the night before.
But fights never affected us,
the way this one did.
It’s my fault you said,
my fault that we fought,
my fault that we don’t get along,
because it’s never yours.

I barely see you anymore,
and it hurts me to admit that I miss you.
Because sometimes we fight,
sometimes we yell
and we don’t want to see each other.
But I miss our arguments,
I miss the way that things used to be.
Even after a night of yelling,
I could come to you with tears in my eyes
and you’d comfort me -
I don’t have that anymore.
You have me,
my love,
my support,
but I no longer have yours.

Now,
if I want to see you,
I have to drive 10 minutes.
I have to knock on someone else’s door
that isn’t mine,
and stand there awkwardly while
the dog barks at me.
Because it’s not my dog,
it’s not my door,
it’s not my house.
It’s yours.

I no longer live with you,
instead I live with someone new.
I can’t text you,
call you -
the phone service you picked
doesn’t reach their house,
but of course it’s perfect
in yours.

You blame me for the distance,
saying,
you know,
you’re sister is always around.
I’m not my sister,
nor will I ever be.
I’m just me,
and lately it’s like thats not good enough
for you in that new house
that’s not ours.
Cause it’s yours.

We used to sit for hours,
talking about nothing in particular.
You were my best friend
and I was yours.
Tell me we don’t have the same relationship
anymore,
tell me it’s changed.
Tell me it’s my fault
that we don’t talk anymore.
Tell me I need to make an effort,
but you’re not making yours.

Its your new life,
and that’s fine.
Because I have mine,
and you have yours.
You took me out of your facebook profile,
no longer have a place for me.
Your profile picture
and cover,
are of another family.
A family that’s not mine,
but a family that’s yours.

Constantly telling me that my siblings miss me,
as if I don’t miss them as well.
Making me feel like ****
for decisions you made.
Because I never wanted to leave,
but you chose him over me -
and I had to do what’s best for me.
This is about me,
it’s not about you anymore.
This is my life,
and I’m no longer apart of yours.

Dark waves crash against a nearby rock,
as I sit and watch the salt litter every inch.
Small droplets find their way to my skin,
and soon paint patterns across my canvas.
One that has not been blank for so long --

instead,
this is not the first time.

My miles of skin crave for your touch,
but you are gone.
I cannot bring myself to forget
how your eyes used to trail my body.

We’d sit by that little waterfall and wait
for the mist to carry its way to us,
leaving us wanting more.

As we sat in our little patch of green,
we would count the stars.
The faint feeling of your finger,
finding its way to my hand --

and a face that never leaves my head.
A nose strong and slightly crooked,
like the tree branches creating a canopy
of leaves above --
hiding us from the moon’s light
and the shadows of the night.

And lips,
moulding perfectly with mine --

like two lone puzzle pieces,
finally finding their home,
amongst the jagged ones
surrounding them.
A time so perfect,
that flowed so nicely --

that I long for again someday,
like the waves in autumn,
striking this rock beside
me.

Part I
One look at you -
my mind is racing.
Heart pumping and I can feel the poison,

pulsing in my veins.
The bittersweet liquid -
turning my bloodstream black

and the taste of ****** takes over.
A cloudy haze covers my gaze,
the only image being let in -

your black seal eyes.
The color of your long, perfect hair,
as dark as the end of my

burning blunt.
One last puff and your face
is burned into my brain.

The human-like smoothness that
my hands crave to touch.
But, I must have been drunk

enough not to notice the scales,
littering your back.
You did always say

you liked me better with a bottle
to mouth.
That way,

I would never notice
the wet feel to your seal skin
and the webs between your fingers
while the liquor burned inside my throat.
Screaming for a way out,
but your ears never seemed to hear

my call for help.
Fingers that I have interlaced
on numerous occasion. Just like the

**** entering my system
for the fifth time today.
One more trail of smoke,

and all the pain would go away.
I tried to fight you, for so long.
I wanted to be

better. You told me to trust you,
believe everything you say -
but you let me drown.