i didn't come to you for salvation
i didn't enter the circle to be saved
i was lost

i was looking for a leader
i was looking for advice
i was looking for directions

but now you tell me that the moon will deceive me
the sun will destroy me

the heavy heartbeat in the back of my mind
doesn't make me want to come back
because i know you want that more than anything else

and i don't owe you anything

lips red
eyes glossy
heart beating
tired of the things you cannot control
feeling like a failure

but what you don't know
is that you're the voice that tells me no
you're the person that lets me know
that no matter how hard things become
that i will always pull through

because what i can achieve
is up to me
it's in my hands

and i'm always in your thoughts
or so you say

i.
it's the look of realization and protection in a crowded place
the look of understanding from across a white lined table
its the brush of fingers when we're too close
or maybe not close enough

it's when you're dying to pull away from this reality
and dive into another one
that i agree and almost take your hand to follow
but it's not that easy


ii.
it's not hard to realize that you have my back
it's not hard to understand that those eyes of yours
are meant to look after me


iii.
sometimes i notice that you want to say something
when you look away from giving me the longing gaze of escape
like something's forcing your throat to close

is it the regret of not saying enough
is it the knowledge of the power that your words hold
is it me

just say it like you mean it
say something
say anything

it's nice to share that feeling with another person
the feeling of uncertainty
not knowing whether i'm going to wake up tomorrow

it's a nightly ceremony
laid out across the floor
right in front of the tv

vhs static echoes through the rooms
a transformative light dancing on my shoulders

it's more like a funeral these days
because tomorrow is always a myth
and so far i've been proven otherwise


but there's always the one chance



that i'm not

i find myself wishing for this feeling to come in familiar patterns
instead
it's erratic and various

it never comes the same as before
and it never lingers as long

but is that a sign that i'm getting better?
or is it a habit of ignoring it after a while?

at this point
i don't know anymore

i just feel entrapped by the fear of not being good enough
and the hollowness of not doing enough

i heard that you tell people to turn off
that song
when it happens to come on

did i ruin something for you?
did i bleed into everything you once enjoyed?
did i claw my way into your thoughts and make a home?

i hope that i did
because me ruining a song for you
is nothing quite like what you ruined for me

this house will never be my home as much i try to force it to be

its the remembrance of pieces of myself i've left in different places
that wakes me up from my dreams

its the hole they've left where my happiness used to be
that causes a migraine when i am alone

i've clawed at my skin to try to bind the hole shut
but nothing is strong enough to keep it that way

i've tried ripping up the roots of myself in those places
so that nothing of me is left

is it because those places don't deserve my memory
is it because the only reason that my roots are still grounded
is that i cannot let those places go

is it that i cannot change



it seems that all i can really do is let the previous roots die
and plant brand new ones in the places i never want to forget