Hold my hand
sit near me
let me sink into your lap
just please don't leave me alone with my thoughts
or lack thereof

You see,
if you leave.
my head will not scatter into a million deadly shards
it will do quite the opposite
it will collapse

whatever you do, don't leave me,
not now.
you see if you leave
I lose my sanity
I lose my restraint

the second you turn your head and walk out that door
my eyes will well
my heart  will lose its rhythm
My hands  will shake
and my breath won't be able to claw its way up my throat anymore.

You don't have to say anything
you don't have to do anything
just please don't leave
I'm scared of what happens when you leave --
please don't leave...

It’s 1:02 p.m.
on a Wednesday
I am waiting to take a test
1:03 p.m.
and I am willing
to test my willingness
to stay here
in a town that moves
on the back
of a razorblade.
They never say
what we are waiting for
here
in the quiet
resistance
like the eye of the storm
on the softest sheets.
I have become an antique,
a collectible,
a hollow instrument
used for my city’s defense.
I have begun
to move backwards,
erasing time
in a land where
clocks don’t tick
and lights don’t blink.
Love
here
always moves like the weather –
moving
churning
spilling
breathing
forcing
uncompromising
is the love of Mother Nature.
If I had met you
before the government won
or after my mind
became a gun
I would love you
I would love you
I would love you
better.

Lost inside a clockwork
        Heart attack
        ‎     Waiting to happen
        ‎   Ticking and cracking
        ‎    The silence in half with a second's helping
        ‎           I was hungry and delving deeper into somnambulance
        ‎                      Gambling my waking minutes
        ‎       Away with a hazy resemblance of life
        ‎     The sharpest of minds couldn't cut it out
        ‎   This troubled route gets more fractured with each forced laughter
        ‎             Hours pass faster the faker my happiness becomes
        ‎                    I scrape by on a yearly basis as my days have gone numb
        ‎

oh boy,
i haven't left the house other than to go to therapy
i haven't surrounded myself with people
i haven't found a hobby
i'm alone
i'm scared
i don't know if it's of myself or of what's around the corner
i'm in agony
i'm up till 3 and awake by 7
i ache
my heart longs for all that's been lost
i am my own demise
i feel like if i stay in bed then nothing bad will happen
i can let the days surpass me and not have any emotional connection with anybody
i can cry
i can bleed
i can temporarily drown myself when i shower
i can not eat
i miss everyone
i miss how things were
before the ****
before the heartbreak
before my fathers imprisonment
before me ******* up constantly and endlessly
before the divorce
before the abuse
before my innocence was ripped away
before i hated myself
before everything
but if that's all inevitable...
maybe i'm just wishing for me to have never been born
for i will never be born again or feel as if i deserved to be brought to life
i took the life of so many others away when mine came into the world
and that is something i can't change
this endless spiral of self-pity and hatred makes me seem so conceited
but in actuality i don't like myself
i don't look at myself when i pass by a mirror
i don't try anymore
because i don't know if i want life after misery or the sweet escape from it all with one
quick
slice

I’ve told you this before...
but i think of you a lot.
it’s not really intentional,
its just that
everything reminds of you.

when i see a flower-
i think of how good you look in the color pink.

when i think of economics, or politics, i think of you-
because i know how interested you are in those subjects.

when i stare at people for long enough-
their faces start to morph into yours.
and thats why i don’t like to go out anymore.
because everywhere i go,
i see you.
i see you in the scribbles in my journals,
and in the cracks on the sidewalks,
i see you when i press a button in an elevator,
and when I’m filling out a form to sign up for the sats?
don’t ask me why,
because i don’t know...
i just know that it happens.

i know that i know things about you that no one else does.
and you know things about me that no one else does.
you know things about me i wouldn’t want anyone else to know.
i trust you like that.
i think of you as a safe house,
a place where i know that things will be good
eventually.
at least-
i like to hope so.

my mother taught me how to share
i never had an "i don't wanna" moment
i was respectful and kind and never claimed anything was fully "mine"
however now i don't want to share
i don't want to see her with someone that's not me
i don't want to see instagrams of her calling someone else babe
or snapchats of her new "princess"
call it being greedy or jealous
but i don't want her to be someone else's
just as i don't want to be with anyone other than her
i want her mouth only on mine
call it possessiveness or whatever you want
i want her to be happy i just want it to be with me, i don't want her "i love you's" to fade to "i care", or "i'm still here"
i long for her touch and her presence
i feel as if i didn't appreciate what i had when i had it
and now somebody else might steal my baby
and i don't want to share...