Donald Durham: Poems

2.2k · Oct 2016

I left you

Donald Durham Oct 2016

I left you
Left you lying on a bed
Cuddled up with our memories.
I left you to go cry
To rock myself to sleep
Clutching our memories.
I left you
I left you whole, yet I was shattered
Broken pieces of self doubt and insecurity.
I left you to go put myself back together,
To try and regain my dignity
To try and feel happy
I left you to try and figure out
how you can both leave me feeling so good
And also so lost.
I left you because you don't want me
Because I can't continue to want you
And I can't continue to care, when you dont.
I left you because I am chasing a ghost
Running after someone that never started the race.
I left you because I knew you'd let me
Let me run out the door,
Drunk as I was, sad as I was, lonely and playing second fiddle as I was.
I left you because your pity makes me sick
Am I as pathetic as I appear?
I left you because I knew you wouldn't call,
I knew you wouldn't text to see if I was ok.
I left because sleep was more important
To you then my slowly breaking heart and mind.
I left you because I am too dramatic
and even still I know this is my fault,
That this played out the way I knew it would.
I left you because I cannot leave myself.

I hate feeling like this. I hate that I have to write this. I hate that I like it, that I need to be broken to feel alive and want the pain for some masochistic meandering meltdown.

#sad #sorrow #oblivious #dramatic #whiny #envious #obvious #ileftyou

2.1k · Oct 2010

Shallow Waters

Donald Durham Oct 2010

Shallow Waters

I am sitting in water far too cold
Around me dances far too many candles
I feel like a corpse looking at his watery final mass
I am smoking far too many cigarettes,
as I tend to do
I carelessly flick ashes onto my bathroom floor, beside me, and am only slightly alarmed to hear them sizzle.
It is in these cliche, lonely moments that my mind drifts.
I remember sitting in many watery graves with your exposed back resting firmly against my heavy chest.
My breathing broken and uneven.
I shift slowly to the right
and a cascade of my cleansed conscious breaches the levy and runs down to the floor.
This is why ashes live such short lives when severed at the tip.
What could make my scene set better?
and I remember the far too warm glass of wine to my left.
It has been playing a silent game of
"When will you remember me,"
even though its baritone colors clash hard red against the white tiled walls of my fiber glass coffin.
I take a far too long look at the glass in my graspe,
before it begins its hasty adventure to my liver.
This moment is far too dramatic,
but I usually am.
I am a sorrow addict, a waxing romantic, and right now I would **** for a fix.
The open window above my head lets in autumn air
that excites my dancing candles and they whip up into a proper frenzy
and I wonder if in moments like these, where the setting and scene have conspired to give me all the hopeful imagery that only perfect circumstances can achieve,
if I should feel happy or at peace.
But I only feel far too lonely.
It is this amazing moment that it dawns on me that my life lacks better....
Better what, I do not know.
My cigarette finally reaches the end of its journey
and while trying to throw it into the trash, wayward water tag-alongers betray my trust and extinguish part of my candlelight army.
I strain to obtain my strikes so I can breath fiery life into my graveside soldiers when a chain that is connected to the cork, that is supporting my frigid funeral pyre
pulls out of its job duty and further works towards ending what was once warm water started.
Spent water slowly exits stage center
and I remember sitting in a far too cold bathtub with you.
Resting my cheek between your shoulder blades as we gave away the filth of our day.
Your head was resting on your knees and a lit cigarette makes its final pilgrimage towards your water clogged hand.
The candles then, also went out far too soon.
I stand up, grab my towel, and once again wrap warmth around me.
I look into the mirror and see the far too, far away look in my eyes.
I inhale deeply, close my eyes and try to shake the ghost from behind my eye lids.
Whispering pieces of a former life beckon to hold me back....
And far too predictably i hold on.

©Donald Durham 2010

1.8k · Oct 2016

Surrogate

Donald Durham Oct 2016

Surrogate

I am your surrogate.
Your surrogate boyfriend
Your surrogate lover
Your surrogate friend.
I'm a stand in.
I'm a waiting room
Before your appointment.
I'm your emotional pick me up
Your needed ego boost.
Close when you want me to be
Far away when you choose.
I am opinionless
I am desireless
I'll fulfill what you need me to
I'll plug the holes
But I'll never make you whole.
I am temporary depression distraction
I am generous
My fingertips will go where you want
When you want
My skin is cold.
I'll be your companion
Until you don't want me around
I'll be thankful for your pity invites.
I'll hide my pain, so I can take yours.
I'll be lonely so that you don't have to be.
Am I time well spent?
When you're with me,
Do you think of where you'd rather be?
Or who you'd rather be with?
I am your surrogate
Your emotion crutch
I'll care so that you don't have to.
Why don't you care?
I'll shown concern and interest
So that you won't have to.
I'll be here for you
So that you don't have to be for me.
I'll give you my heart
So you can keep yours hidden.

Oh the complications of loving someone who will never love you in return. The heartbreak of giving everything, feeling everything, only to be met with emptiness.

#love #lonely #pain #loss #hurt #emptiness #surrogate

1.4k · Oct 2010

Kiss

Donald Durham Oct 2010

Kiss

I lie on an endless sea
Floating in circles of thought
Drifting on an eternity of feelings
Projecting on to an astral plane
My human emotions of fear and doubt
But longing, nay needing
What was given to me
At the explosive moment
When the soft Sayers of love and destiny
(who sit in waiting below bozos trademark
and above the triangle point of bone
at the bottom of the face)
Is finally and intimately
Introduced to the most exquisite
Opposite that sits in the
Same position as its opposite equal
And the muscle behind the spoken gates
Of anticipation is so energized with passion
They can no longer be held at bay,
Break free from hiding and searching
For reciprocated passion and
Emotional electrocution
And no, never, is there foulness
In the bitter morning cigarette
That pays homage between the lips
So proportionately perfect the introduction
Of unspoken breath between two sets
Of sayers, freezes time forever in a
Block of eternity called oblivion
Where everything that had ever happened
In time, from the big bang,
To the very second before,
Compressed collectively, pale in
Importance to this single solitary moment
Of forever.
I am a lost boy in this kiss
Where am I in this overload of
Sensory bliss
From the smell of her
As she washes over me
To the feel of her face and hair
As it glides through my fingers
Like wanderers on a pitch black night
Who need no light and
Require no map
For this is where my fingertips
Were meant to be
And they play the role, they were made for.
Then breath is held,
For it is no longer as important
To draw air into my lungs
Since I must already be dead
Because surely nothing else could be
As beautiful in my life as this, forever,
And when lips are ultimately
And unwillingly parted
And eyes are opened to what was
Lost and forgotten
In the stopping of time or
Was it lost in the meaningless of time
Whatever the case
My eyes have been opened
Not only to a more splendid sight
But to insight
An internal collection of every magnificent
Painting ever painted, and every
Wonderful word ever written, and all
The exquisite expressions ever spoken,
And every passion felt by those
Acutely intuned to their sensory system.
Alas, every magnificent, wonderful, exquisite
Occurrence was only a minor player
In history, until mankind's existence
Came to a ******
With but a kiss.
I am a river of everything
Of all that is wonderful and beautiful.
This is a story of a kiss
Just that one syllable
Alone and isolated in the expanse of
Larger words
But a kiss, this kiss, the first and only
Kiss ever
Is more important then words
Can say or express
With their limitations to coherent thinking
And more meaningful the my mind
Can comprehend in its broken down
Simplicity
A kiss
Nothing less
But everything more
A kiss to end all kisses
The envy of all other kisses
A wonderful, beautiful kiss
A kiss.

©Donld Durham 2010

1.1k · Sep 2016

Little man

Donald Durham Sep 2016

Little man

I was changed.
Not changed like the tide,
which always changes back
But changed like an atomic bomb
went off in my body, in my heart.
She was a nuclear reaction
A tiny bit of matter that alters the state of everything she touches.
She was radioactive,
You could feel her coming.
She was a bomb
And I'm a lost atoll,
drifting in the Pacific.
Destroy me in the most
beautiful of explosions.
Split me, subatomically,
and realign me how you wish.
She was science and she was engineering.
She was mankind's best,
doing mankind's worst.
She was detonation,
She was a split second explosion.
Depth charges that awaken,
Super sonic flash wiring,
blinding brilliance.
She was self destructive implosions
Bringing down the walls.
I'm a deserted structure,
waiting to be torn down.

First thing I've written that I've liked in years. I feel like the muse is awake and the madness is loose.

#love #passion #emotion #bomb #destruction #explosion

1.1k · Nov 2010

Hidden Stars

Donald Durham Nov 2010

Hidden Stars

Under a cloak of stars we hid
Hiding from what, we didn’t know
She bared her soul then,
Asked for a smoke
We smoked cigarettes and stared
At the city
Like a million tiny lost ants
They march without purpose, unlike
Their insect counterparts
Who all work towards a common goal
No, these human ants exist only for
Individual gain, definitely not the good
Of the masses
We sat on a blanket in the dead of night
Like two vampiric picnickers
Contemplating the over contemplated
Meanings of why, what, where, and who
Nestled up against a barrier
Not unlike the one that binds me
This mountain of peach, gold, and brown
Stands foreboding in the background
Of this town
We lay here in this artificial nature
Of grass where none should be
Looking skyward for answers
To questions we have yet to ask
And timid rabbits fret at our presence,
Just outside the light in the shadows
It is night all around
Yet only dark when eyes are closed
But when I close my eyes
All I see is light
Not the light that is desperately
Trying to upstage the stars
By inviting you to watch
The carnal dance of flying insect and bat
That is its deviant diversion
Show them discovery-esc nature
So they learn to love mans light
More then those of the heavens
But alas, mans light holds no sway
Here for this is a night for lovers
And we are lovers here
Then she asked if she could
Lay next to me
And bury her face in my neck
Of course, I said, at the cost of a kiss
Placed gently on the flesh found there
And kiss me she did, as the stars
Were aware because just then
I seen them narrow and turn green
With envy
And oh how envious they were
They knew then that their life would end
Their time would come
When they no longer twinkled as bright
But our love would never die
Never lose its twinkle
Never be spoken of as lackluster
Ours was eternal
And theirs was not
I held her there
Next to me
But not quite ever close enough
And then still, very close
So close I can feel her inside me
Circling my soul with the breath
From her lungs
"Breathe out love, so I can breathe you in"
Touch me so I may again feel
I long to know genuine feeling
Of the thread only she can bring me
In this artificial scenario
With carnivore intentions all around
And stars that wont just be happy for me
With a city of plastic and glitter
Ruled by a neon god,
At my feet
Begging for penance
For my forgiveness for their fakeness
Because they know what I possess is real
More real then they could ever dream if being
And a mountain crawling at my fingertips
And I lie here
Thinking of things that
Don’t require thought
I am spent
Emotionally drained
Essence pulled from existence
Have lost weight here
I can float
And I am floating
Weightless and without gravity
I fly towards nothing in particular
With no needs or wants
Just happiness and content-ness
And whatever else that doesn’t really matter
Or does it?
I do not know these questions
Because I seek only answers
Ignorance is bliss
And bliss is
What I crave
But is bliss happiness?
I wish I could be ignorant
And close my eyes to reality
Because maybe the stars
Aren’t envious
Maybe they are mocking me
Laughing at the real ignorance
The real travesty at hand
Is maybe what I think is,
Really isn’t?
I guess I am just a blind fool
With my eyes open
Lying here
Not knowing what is what
Or why, why is
Or where, why came from
It was time to go now
My mind was reeling
From the mental punishment I gave it
The pain stuck like glue to the back of my eyes
We folded the blanket and made our way towards the car
The rabbits were happy they could come out
The stars brightened
We walked arm in arm
Wishing for the night to never end
And our weariness to fade
Like the American dream
This was a night for lovers
And we were lovers there
In that park
On this night
Under these stars
I take from this place
The knowledge
We are all lovers

donald durham 2010

982 · Mar 2018

The Dance of the Infinite

Donald Durham Mar 2018

The Dance of the Infinite

you are all infinite
you, my children of the night
pagan wanderers on destinies lips
patrons of the streets, lonely, empty, wanting
I seen a generation fall
I seen a generation crumble
and be reborn.
You my midnight sorcerers on deaths hitlist
listless and searching
I seen the dance of a power divide
Ego denied, angry id, broken steps
steps
steps
steps
we walk steps in the open,
we talked talks of confession to the night
it held us, comforted us
We the unwanted zombies
of unheard promises and dysfunctional rational
you are all beautiful
undaunted by the lines
the crooked lines, cut mishapen, disater mishappen
Cheers to my world, my surrounding reality
scared and scarred by tomorrow
tomorrow
tomorrow
tomorrow
My vagabond lies, my homeless truths
You, my enormous, analytical algorythms of disobedience
of disorder, of chaos
Musicians playing perpetual reqiuems
Jazz of the dead, jazz of the wanderer, jazz of the beautiful
Show your hand, yell your claim
stake your play.
concrete mazes, blinding buildings, urban solitute
I have found you, I have seen you,
you poets of denial, poets of disaster
Prose of temptation
Words of lament
Speak to me my children of the perpetual night
My children of music, of poetry, of paintings telling me the broken down minds, the sacrificed
economy of love
I am lost in these streets
I am at home in the unknown
I am nothing but a dream, denied
We are together
all together, here, here and now
Lost together
Crowded solitude
Lets be solidified as one
You, my children are emptied of being full
full of unknown, full of yourselves and filled with *****
Drunken stories of lullabies lost
Pour me another, make it a double. doubled down truth
hit me
Cigarette stained finger tips
Plucked tense strings,
Strings so tense you could feel their vibration
We sit, listening, ears pointed at God,
Waiting to be lulled into compliance
I have seen your cigarette stained
Finger tips
Pluck strings of lament and prophecy
Sing me into your future
Oh beautiful melody
Oh wandering progressions
Telling tales of my transgressions
Oh trusty chords
Lovers speak only lies,
With cigarette gently sleeping between exhausted lips
Let us lie here
Here in this desolate desert moonscape
Forlorn homeless shelter
New antiqued flashood of home
I have seen us staring
Staring into the void,
Into the fullness of emptiness
These are not just dreams
Fevered and sweating out the ingested fungus
They are the dystopian dreams of
Every young adult novel
Of every science fiction, battered, back pocket edition
Dog eared, notes in the margins, yellowed with love, book.
They are the lost bibles of us,
Of our current histories and our future stories.
My friends
Gathered, exuberant, broken and shattered
Passing time on the the stools of inebriation
Come forth and be counted
The artist hang burnt offering from crimson skies
Sacrifices of the soul
Sacrifices of humanity
Exercises of humility
Stand here before me and and be chastised
A public flogging, a private shaming
A social satired informal gathering
Gaining peer reviewed synthetically blended praise
The dab hazed hipsters
Losing time,
faking time,
Cutting lines, sparking fires inside
Burn
Burn
Burn
Lose me in the iridescent, fill me in with acrylic
Wash me out with acid and cry-
Cry over me, cry with me
I am nothing, and we are everything.

This is still a work in progress, I am very proud of it and it does need some editing, so if any one would like to lend me their red pen skills, I'd be much appreciated. Also, like I said it's not done. I desire for this poem to run about 15 minutes.

#poem #life #home #hometown #***** #drinking #cigarettes #jazz #scene #setting

872 · Oct 2010

Binding Darkenss

Donald Durham Oct 2010

Binding Darkenss

The darkness fills from top to bottom
an undisturbed wicked spiral
farther from what's inspiration
I continue to slide

Darkness nags from all around
etching pain on my skin
peeling away at what I used to be
I was happy

My palms upturned, beg forgiveness
let my penance be destruction
this decay is sinking
swallow me

Is this darkness obvious
are my eyes dyed black
where went that inspiration
I am transparent

Sway, from side to side
dizzy from intoxication
****** from fornication
breath....
in,out,in,and out
panic drives this man
sit on the edge of the middle
wish to be more like them
them.....
them.....

Darkness increasing
soul is fleeing
this inspiration rapes me
breeds me
breeds in me
consumes me
amuses me to no end

but still i am only me
CANT YOU SEE
WONT YOU SEE
i live only for the darkness
the sorrow
the horror and gore
a make believe world
catching the phrase
paraphrasing the past

i am only darkness
i am lonely darkness
i am a shadow of was
a memory of where
a glimpse of who
a dash of what

Count my sins, darkness
on your bitter fingers and toes
give rhythm to my woes
give forgiveness for the excursions
i have made to the darkness

Betray my lighting effect
expose my soul
deny the trust I held in dark
on a box i stand, a one man show

darkness is my inspiration

donald durham 2010

799 · Oct 2010

Falling Face

Donald Durham Oct 2010

Falling Face

I am decembers darkest hour
a withered lover, a withered flower
a heart broken, blackened in two
a half for me, and a half for you
I am the forgotten love, you desired
the pouring rain, and muffled fire
the love you lost, the deepening hate
a bitter taste, this predesitined fate
desire not
desire now
desire not
desire how
I am the knowledge of the love you lost
happiness sacrificed upon the cross
blink the poisonous tears from your eyes
an acidic face of untold lies
feel the turture deep inside
where coldness spreads, and warmth died
desire not
desire now
desire not
desire how?

donald durham

472 · Mar 2017

Rest easy

Donald Durham Mar 2017

Rest easy

I lie here
And my heart is breaking
And my stomach is turning
And you sleep.
You've destroyed my trust
And continuously lied to me
Yet you rest easy.
I can't close my eyes
Because I see what you won't show
Do, what we don't do
Exposed more then I see.
Yet even now,
You rest easy.

#heartbreak #lies #pain #sleep #liar #disappointment #heartache

— The End —