It's been 121.747 days
i still feel an ache in my chest
when i see your name
when i see your face.

It's been 121.747 days
since i've heard your voice
since you've called my name.

It's been 121.747 days
since i said the words "let's break up"
in a spur of rage and hate.

It has been 121.747 days of regret

and counting.

I've been getting up at 8.
The first thing I do is to check my phone,
Hoping to see a text from you.

These days we don't text anymore,
I still check my phone,
hoping to see your name light up that tiny screen
I should stop clinging to a disintigrating flame,
But I can't stop getting up at 8.

One hug was all it took to send me reeling.
Our hands grazed and I wished you'd grab mine
My thumb touched your palm as we flipped the pages of a book together,
sitting so close - our thighs side by side.
Your eyes light up when you talk about art
and your smile brightened the dark museum.

As we said goodbye, your opened your arms for an embrace,
I ran into your arms and it felt right.
Our hug was long, it was comfortable.
I wish i could stay in your arms.

your hand tangled in my hair,
you tilted my head up, bent down,
and pressed your lips to mine.
It felt wrong... really wrong.
I pressed my body to yours
My mouth opened, inviting you in with a sigh.
THIS IS WRONG my head screamed.
Something I should not have done.
Something I should not have let you do.

It was a long kiss.
Your tongue grazed mine
your hand cupped my face and your breaths calm and quiet
mine hot and staggered.
A few seconds of confusion; of desire.
5 years we loved each other,
5 years we couldn't be together.

I pulled away, breaking the spell.
I gasp, my eyes fluttering to stare at my shoes.
the air around us thick with shame and loneliness.
what have i done

I couldn't look you in the eyes.
You embraced me, and asked if i was alright.
I nodded numbly, and stumbled into my home as you walked away.

I entered my room expecting myself to cry.
I cheated. I am a cheater. I destroyed what was the only good thing that was happening to me.

I'm not single,
you're not letting go.
This can't go on.

I like
the sound of your laugh
and how it takes away
all the anguish of my soul
for a little while.

I like
the way you look into my eyes
even though you know
i get self conscious

I like
the way you try to make it up to me
when you push my limits
a little too far
even though i forgave you a while ago

I like
how you make me feel-
all jittery and shy
like a young girl
pretending she knows what love is

but

in the back of my mind
i can see his smile
and the way he runs his hand
through his hair.

in the back of my mind
i can see his excitement
as he shares stories with me
about his favourite things.

In the back of my mind
and late at night
i wonder how is it possible to love
two persons
with two very different personalities
at the same time.

Do feelings fade?
or will my heart always skip two beats seeing your name light up my screen with a text from you?

Do feelings fade?
or will I wish we'd never met just to spare myself the agony of not being with you

Do feelings fade?
and how do i get over the fact that you're so perfect, funny and witty?
how do i say i love you without making things awkward, without jeopardising what we have? and how do i make you stay?

The first time we talked
your eyes
were always on mine
but my eyes
darted from the floor
to the corner of the room
because
looking at you
was (is) like looking
at the sun.

the second time we talked
I stood waiting for the lift
You called out "hey" from behind
i almost fainted
we entered the lift
and i realised
for the first time
your smile
was like a thousand suns
and your voice has
a slight accent
i still can't place.

the third time we talked
I was braiding my hair
you walked past
and i squeaked in surprise.
****
you turned to me
dressed in a flannel shirt
looking perfect as usual
and smiled "hey"
i could only hide my embarrassment
with a small laugh.

the fourth time we talked*
you were alone in your classroom
i walked past
you opened the door, "hey"
my hands fly to my hair
self consciously trying to tame
the lion mane that seemed fine
a moment ago.
i give a small wave
and we talked longer
than we normally would.

you were so near to me
i almost hugged you
i'm sorry
i remember staring at the floor
and the ceiling
and the walls
avoiding your intense gaze
as if what i was talking about was the most interesting thing in the world*
you were patient
you were nice
you smiled at me.

you are constantly on my mind.
am i on yours?
I don't know what these feelings are.
i hope i'm not in love with you.
because i think
you're in love with
someone else..

You said i was your best friend,
but never once did you say it to my face.
You never took selfies with me
and you never texted me first.
You never tried to hold onto our friendship.

You said you'd always be there for me.
but where were you
when i broke up with the man i loved?
Oh that's right, you were hanging out with him.

Instead of inviting me over to your house
for ice cream to hug me and tell me he's a ******,
you were out with him,
telling him that he deserved better.

How dare you say we were best friends
when you never once acted like i was even close to you.
you were my whole world
i loved you.
i spoke up for you when others brought you down.
i picked up your pieces of **** you left on the ground
without complaint
and you did nothing for me.

I swam oceans for you.

But now,
you're on your own.

My hands are shaking
i can't breathe
my tears won't stop flowing down my cheeks
my chest aches
and my hands are cold.
I really don't want to be alone.

You pressed your lips to mine
and held my face in your hands.
But now you say we're just friends.

i knew you were trouble.
you say you're not the right guy for me,
but you're the guy i want.
you say you aren't over your past
well neither am i.

**** me for falling for you.
I should have known better.

I am a menace.
I bring with me pain, and heartache
I hurt you, and anger you in ways you never knew could
I taunt you, and harm you in places that can't be seen.
I am a disgusting shell of what I used to be,
full of masks to hide my scars.
I don't know how to love,
only to act selfishly.

I am undeserving of hope
underserving of a job, a school
Unworthy of friends, unworthy of love.
Unworthy of happiness, and unworthy of life.

When can I cease to exist?
When can I finally disappear from existence?
When I'm gone from this earth, do not keep fond memories in your thoughts.

Remember me as I was -
A brutal, rude, spiteful creature, unloving and selfish.
Remember all the times i hurt you.
Remember all the pain i caused
Remember the disappointment, the shattered hopes, the wasted time, and money.
Remember my glare, not my grin.
Remember my scowl, not my laugh.
Remember my cold eyes.
Then maybe you'll hate me and you won't miss me.
Maybe you'll forget me sooner because you want to forget.

Maybe then, and only then,
I'll finally cease to exist.

You have cut me up
and placed me beside other
shinier, redder apples.
you've given disapproving glares
and shaken your head,
arms akimbo.

You're trying to keep me in a box,
away from the "dangerous" world outside
but then you'd shake your fists
at my browning flesh
and putrid body.

I'm just an apple.
Why can't you see me for what i am?
I'm not the biggest
nor the juiciest.
I have yellow spots on my skin
and bruises on my flesh.

Why don't you love me?
Why can't you stop
comparing
and judging
and complaining?

You are my apple tree.
you made me.
Why can't you see
I'm trying
to be the best apple
that i can be?

It's not enough.
it's never enough.

I'm. Not enough.
and i never will be.

It's hard to put into words
how you make me feel.
Every time i see i have a text from you,
my heart skips three beats
and i need to catch my breath.

When i meet you,
looking into your eyes
renders me speechless
and all i can do is hope
i don't look like a toad to you.

Do you know you're giving me
these little heart attacks?
What are you thinking when you stare at me?
What do you feel when you ask to meet me?

Am i simply another girl you know..?

*I don't want to be.

"why don't you look for him instead?"

your stare screamed betrayal
and pain
as your glared into my soul
with your eyes
and i swear
at that moment
my heart shattered
but all i could do
was stare back at you
before covering my pain
with anger.

Sometimes i catch you
watching me
as i attempt to subdue
my obnoxious laughter
and sometimes you catch
my eyes
fixated on you,
as you throw your head back in laughter;
and we stare into each other's eyes
a little too long
before i turn away shyly.
your eyes are still on me aren't they

When we sat on the sofa
on the last day of school
in the dimly lit Pool Hall,
you put your arm over my shoulder
and pulled me closer
what was in your mind?
we were sitting thigh to thigh,
you called my name,
I turned.
our faces
were so close
that i nudged
the glasses perched on your nose
with my cheek.
did your heart skip a beat like mine?

When we were eating alone
i think i said something stupid
and your grin was so wide that
your eyes curved into crescent moons,
and your grin so bright
wow
that i had to turn away.

Today, we sat beside each other
and you inched
a little closer.
you gingerly put your head
on my shoulder
just a second
and then sprang up,
as though too shy to lean on me for longer.

When we were walking
and our hands bumped against each other
many times
your thumb and index finger
held my little one
just a second
and my heart skipped
just a beat.

We are not lovers.
but we are not
just friends
and i'm not sure
if i want us
to be anything more
than just this.

Just tonight
i will let my sadness
seep through a crevice
until it drowns me.

Just tonight
i will lie in bed
and remember the days we were in love.

Just tonight
i will relish the idea
of the blade across my wrist
like i did so many years ago.

Just tonight
i will
let myself

cry.

Remember when i said i was different from your exes?
i didn't lie.

Remember when i said i would never leave?
(at that time) i didn't lie

Remember when i said i wanted us to grow old together?
i wasn't lying.


but do you remember when
i told you to walk away
and never come back?
i was lying

and i wish you stayed.

your smile,
your scent,
your eyes,
and the way they wrinkle at the sides.

your chest,
your face,
your hands,
that love to hold mine.

your charm,
your laugh,
your shy moments
that make me giggle

your tears,
your anger,
your fears
that no one else has seen.

your love,
your voice,
your touch
is what i live for.

your nose,
your lips,
your waist
that i put my arms around.

your tongue,
your mind,
your soul
that i love every inch of.

your hair,
your clothes,
your heart
that i hold so dearly
next to mine.

It lasted a moment
nothing but a few minutes
but
it was the happiest
i had been
in a long time.

our conversation seemed
meaningless
with no real purpose
calling each other childish names
and laughing at our typos.

you told me you had to go
and my heart sank
but i knew
maybe
we could continue
our little moment of happiness
another day.

nothing to see here.

i am but an empty shell
alone in my room.

thinking of what i could be doing
had i not ripped out your heart
with careless words
that rolled off my tongue.

prideful and disgusting,
i didn't expect that
you would be able to
retrieve your heart
and
i didn't know
that i had ripped up
my own heart too.

Now you've moved on
doing things you always wanted to do
(but couldn't when we were together)
and i'm still here

alone in my room
thinking of what i could be doing
had i not ripped out your heart
with careless words
that i truly, truly,
regret.

i will never believe
someone when they say
"you're so pretty!"
because how can they know that
when they don't see me at night?
alone in my room
and weeping?

i will never trust
anyone who says
"you're not annoying"
because when my laughter
or my voice
echoes through the room
and eyes turn to me
only annoyance can be described
as the looks
on their faces.

so forgive me
if i never believed you when you said
"i love you"
because no one does
no one can
and no one will.

we both know
we won't last.

i regret so much telling you i loved you too.
Here we are, tears streaming down our faces
as if we've already broken up

i can't look at you
but you tilt my chin up.
you tell me to forget all that we've said
but i know you won't.

we're not meant to be.
your life and mine

never should have intertwined in the first place
i never should have fallen in love with you.

My friends asked you,
"Do you like her?"
your face gave no clue
and you didn't answer.

my heart sank
as my friend relates this to me.
i sigh a little inside
but on the outside
i play it cool
and pretend it doesn't affect me.

I hurt,
but
really.
who could ever love someone like me?

I think to myself
if i cry,
i am weak.

i think to myself
what happens if i weep?

will you come back to my side,
holding me in your warm embrace
while i bury my face in your shirt?

will the ice around your heart melt away
since the last thing i said to you
was goodbye?

what would you do
if i stood on your doorstep
with the heart that i ripped out of your chest
in my hands?

what would you say
if i texted you "come back"?

what would you do
if i cr(di)ied?

i used to write poems about you
and here we are texting each other like we're best friends.
like the good old days

sometimes i wish we were together.
i could hold your hand and love you,
hug you tight and kiss you.

but we're not meant to be..
maybe we shouldn't be texting.
maybe i should let you go

I fear that one day
I might not have a reason to text you
And i'll sit
With my phone in my hand
Hoping
Wishing
That you'd text me first.

tell me about the first time
you heard me say "i love you".
did your heart pound in your ears?
did the blood rush through your veins?

tell me about the time we first kissed.
where my face turned red
and my eyes opened wide.
did your heart pound in your ears?
did your blood rush through your veins?

tell me about the time we got into our first big fight
where your knuckles turned red
against the walls around us.
did your heart pound in your ears?
did your blood rush through your veins?

tell me about the time we broke up
where my eyes were cold
and our hands untouched.
did your heart pound in your ears?
did your blood rush through your veins?

or did you feel as cold
and as dead as i did?

as our relationship was?

you tell them:
"she broke up with me"
"she said she'd never leave
but she did"
"she never cared for me
and expected me
to care for her"
"she always lied"
"she broke my heart"

but

i sat in the dark
weeping
and you went out
playing

i was alone.
i called you.
you rejected
my call
and posted
a new photo
on instagram

you refused to meet me
and avoided me in school.

tell me who's heart is broken?
tell me who broke who's heart?

i never left.
you were the one
who walked away.

You're so sweet
and kind
and nice
and funny
and genuine
and beautiful
and tall
and mysterious

while i
am an open book
i'm loud
i'm boring
i'm annoying
i'm mean
i'm rude

how could i even hope
that someone like you
could fall
for someone like me?