we visited the beach, kicked up the sand

I watched you lovingly as you paddled in the surf

and then the sea stood up and hugged you

as if you were responsible for keeping it blue

you were always the one with the hurricane heart.

the one with the whirlwind mind and the tornado soul

but for some reason

you fell in love with me, my sleet eyes

and my drizzle-desperation

it's looking into the horror-filled eyes of a four year old girl
holding her shaking hands

as she watches her father, her mother
blown to smithereens

it's the family of five
reduced to three

it's the grandmother of fifteen, who is over filled with love
now that she only has six to share it between

it's the cousins, brothers, aunts
packed into a tiny sail boat

who are we to deny the happiness of those who don't think they'll ever be happy again?

who are we to turn away the freedom of people who believe they will never be freed?

growing up with a concrete exterior

stern eyes and pursed lips

you are nothing

but a walking message in a bottle

that nobody would dare to open.

that's the thing about resilience

it never really does you any favours.

it's 5am and although my body is frozen still, my mind races.

it's 5am and I'm terrified

it's 5am and I'm riddled with guilt

it's 5am and

I am the one responsible

for murdering you

it's 5am and

you're dead and

I'm dead inside

maybe in 10 years we'll bump into each other

we'll catch up on all the time we let run away

and how desperately in love I was with you

and we can laugh about how we broke eachothers hearts.

there is a legend that says if you fold a thousand paper cranes and make a wish, it will come true.

I could fold ten thousand paper cranes and make ten tiny wishes and not one of them could cure you

I see your bones, your sunken eyes, your thinning hair

and it makes me so ******* sick that I have my health, my happiness and my life ahead of me.

you're terminally ill and I'm terminally guilty.

so although there is no hope

I will fold paper cranes and make paper wishes

because sometimes we all need something to hold onto

there was a time that I were blue

and when I met you, you were red

you touched my heart and I turned magenta

then one day you decided

that magenta didn't suit you

one day you'll meet a person wearing an orange shirt

and even though you used to hate orange

now you find yourself noticing that it has become the colour of your world.

some days I want to be everywhere
some days I want to be nowhere at all

I don't know what's worse

being lost at sea, surrounded by water
or dying of thirst

if you fall for someone's leaves and not for their roots

what do you do when autumn comes?

sometimes I wonder if you miss me at all

if you miss the mind games we used to play off on one another

if you miss the long, late night conversations

if you miss how it felt to talk to somebody you're so connected with

sometimes I wonder if you know

that I am most definitely

still swinging

in Chernobyl

last night I dreamt of you

this morning I awoke

thinking of you

tonight I'll dream of you

in the morning I'll awaken

thinking of you

I remember trying to put into words
what it was I had been feeling

the paper stayed empty -

and I couldn't have done any better

i raised my arms to see

the yellow fingerprint bruises

perfectly aligned

you promised to never let me go

i had no idea you would be so literal.

No magic found

And no love lost.

Silly girl,

You should have known better

I hope that one day you'll find someone that sees your eyes as green galaxies

and your hair as stars

and your body as a universe

because my love

to experience something so out of this world

is the least you deserve.

crumpled on the floor

finally, you're out the door

could it be,

I finally gave you what for?

I wait and I wait

for you, my siren eyed boy

sand and shingle

our toes, they tingle

with the green glass licked smooth by the sea

you took a gun to the edge of the water

I'll see you again, at the bottom of the ocean

why is it that
even with the bleariest eyes, the most grainy minds

I find myself wide awake

owl-eyed at 4am

high on the thought of you, sweetheart.

as I dig through what remains

through the ashes and embers

i realise

your love

is a burnt and ****** offering.

6 years ago I tried to **** myself.

it's not something that you tend to forget; however hard you try.

sometimes it sits in the back of your mind, but it's always there.

you'll never realise how toxic the air around you is

until you stick your head out of the window

No amount of noise can drown out the sound of you in my head

care about anything half as much

as I did when you were around.

Some names will never leave anything but a bitter taste in your mouth

I take a deep breath and pause for thought

with a tiny smile and my eyes closed

I know that if I open them, I'll see myself

and there is nothing that I hate more.

I can't explain.

I don't care to try.

most people die at 30

but those people aren't buried until they're 80.

as a human you have the right to live the life you want to.

don't let your soul die before your body does.

something I've never understood is how it's the saddest people that think the most beautiful thoughts

I've let you down, I know

you were rooting for me, I know.

I'm sorry -

I'm sorry

I wish it were you

I've got a heavy heart
And a heavy mind
I've been looking at you
Through heavy eyes